Abusive, controlling spouse


#1

Dear trapped:

Greetings. First, let me say that I understand. No, I am not personally in an abusive situation, but I do know how it feels to be almost too scared to take any action and that as bad as your situation is, it “feels” safer just to stay. Now, let me also say that the feeling of fear and false security are just feelings, which you must try your best to control.

  1. Talk to your family about helping you financially to afford an attorney.

  2. Hire an attorney and pursue a domestic violence action. In the domestic violence action, you can ask the court to help you financially with child support and spousal support, for attorney fees, and to remain in the marital home.

  3. Your husband’s newly created debt to his parents, without any money being exchanged, is a clear farce and I would not worry about it if I were you. The house is clearly yours. What a nice gift from them, no?

  4. The domestic violence action is the ultimate equalizer when you have one clearly abusive spouse and one disempowered/disenfranchised spouse. This will ensure that you will be able to care for the children.

  5. Go see your own counselor and start making yourself stronger. Believing his lies about you and to you will only keep you where you are.

Good luck and call us if we can help you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Divorce
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

10925 David Taylor Drive, Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

ROSENDIVORCE.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#2

Janet,

Thank you for writing back.

Just two days ago my husband got on prozac for his problems and things seem to be better. Yet he keeps asking me is everything okay, I still want things to work, etc. etc. I just don’t feel that I have anything left to give anymore.

What also really upset me is that his mother had me looking on her computer at a few things she wanted to show me and I saw an email from her to our marriage counselor. She wrote to her asking what she and my father in law could do about us and if they could meet and discuss our situation, our counselor emailed her back telling her to “drop by” and they would talk. All of my trust and faith is totally violated now.

I also tapped three conversations my husband and I had with me asking him to please leave me alone and he pursued what he called “resolution” with me. Basically harassing me till I gave in and agreed with him. In that he wished my parents dead. While I was on the phone with my mother he came in and began yelling at me for 45 minutes saying that he and his family would do everything in their power to ensure that my father would never have a relationship with our son. I also have two letters written and signed by him saying he wants to know where I am and who I am with at all times except when I go to the bathroom and that he does not want me talking to my mother while he is home because my attention is supposed to be on him. YET, he still does not think that is controlling.

I know that NC is a one party state, so can the tapped conversations be used to show harassment? Surely the phone call my mother overheard could, and definitely the letters couldn’t they?

They (my husband and his parents) are trying to make it sound as if our sons disruptive behavior is due to me and my family and I am just so afraid they are going to try to take him away from me.

I just really do not know what to do in this situation and if anyone on here has been in a similiar one please let me hear from you too.

Thanks again for responding to me.


#3

Dear trapped:

Greetings. First, you need to contact your counselor, set up an appointment, and go in and confront the situation. Do not sit back and let it go. When trying to help couples resolve their marital conflicts, I often talk to their parents (though always with their consent from my client) for additional insight into the situation. Parents can be amazingly honest while firmly planted in the cheering section for their child.

Next, stop listening to him and retain an attorney, even if you have to use your credit cards. An attorney can help you get the financial support you need and your share of the marital residence.

Finally, yes, the taped conversations may be used as evidence. They can be used in a domestic violence action, a custody action, a divorce from bed and board action, or an alimony action in my opinion. Thank you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Divorce
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

10925 David Taylor Drive, Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

ROSENDIVORCE.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#4

I do not know really were to begin. I have been married for five years and it has been a horrible marriage. My spouse and I fight all the time, and we are both guilty of saying mean things to each other. There has been domestic abuse. He even threatened to kill me shortly after our child was born. He, of course, told me it was my fault because I said something to him that made him that mad. He even admitted that for the last several years of our marriage he has said and done things to “make my life a living hell”. He has tried to provoke me. He hates my parents and tells me that all the time. He even admitted to saying things about them a few days ago to try to get me angry because I was being “too calm” about him talking about them.

We have been in counseling and it is not working. The counselor told him to give me some space, he argues space is for single people. I have notes that he wrote to me saying that he does not want me to talk to anyone on the phone, esp. my mother, when he is home because my attention should be focused on him. He does not want me to visit my family and acutally told me they are no longer my “family” that he and our son is, they are just my parents.

The problem is he tells me he will take our son from me, he has said that he and his parents will do everything in their power to prevent my own father from having any kind of relationship with our child because he does not feel that he is safe with him, and that he would go to jail before paying me alimony or child support. He has never wanted me to work and I don’t now.

I do not feel that I have anywhere to go or any legal recourse. The house we live in his parents purchased for us, they sat in our living room saying they did it for us because they wanted us to have a home. It is paid for, both our names are on the deed, but when we separated a few months ago he took the deed to his parents and signed a “interest only loan” saying we owe all the money on the house plus what was spent on the update to the kitchen.

He refuses to pay my credit card bills because he says that even though they were during the course of the marriage that he did not know I had them or that I was using them, that they were not for household expenses, so if he has to pay half then I will have to pay half of the “mortgage” on the house. He also says I am not entitled to any of the home since it was from his parents. I do not know what to do.

He yells at me every day and says that the only way he will nt be mad at me and for him to even begin to be nice to me is by being “intimate” with him.

Now I am not saying that I am a saint. But I have not caused all of these problems. He threatens me with divorce constantly and tells me I am lazy and worthless.

I really do not feel like I would get anything in a divorce and with me having no money (he told me last night that the money he made working was his because I did not appreciate his job) and a year after our marriage I was diagnosed with manic depression so he constantly says I am mentally ill and that no judge will give me custody. Please help