Feel used and devastated for children

“I just feel so betrayed.”

I empathize and offer my sympathy to you. The betrayal of a spouse is one of the worst things a person ever goes through. I loved my wife deeply, and had been faithful to her for 13 years. She had a 2 year affair, gave birth to his child after convincing me the baby was mine, then disappeared one day without warning with our 4 kids. I’m sorry that you had to discover that your husband isn’t betrayal.

“Will my children be ok?”

Divorce sucks and hurts everyone, including the kids. American society teaches that if your spouse cheats on you, you have to divorce him/her and trash them in court for revenge. But it is my opinion that the emotional hell you have to endure following a divorce is no less difficult to deal with than if you stayed in the marriage and worked on it together. Before considering divorce, I suggest you guys go to therapy together and try to work things out. Divorce is hard on the kids too. Try reading the book “Divorce Busting” by Michelle Weiner Davis. You sound like a very capable, type A personality woman who “doesn’t need” your husband. That may be true. But your children do need him. No matter what choice you make about divorce, don’t try to reduce him to a mere “visitor” in their lives. If he wants joint custody, why fight him for it? The only person hurt by opposing joint custody is the children.

“What did I do to cause this?”

No matter how good or bad of a spouse you were, his choices were his alone. It is the strangest phenomena… when a person gets cheated on he/she asks what they did to cause the other person to cheat. It doesn’t work that way. Don’t ever let him make you feel like you made him do something bad.

My best recommendation for helping you to deal with the emotional damage that will come to you from this junk is to learn about s-anon and work the 12 steps of recovery. S-anon is a free support group system for people who have been impacted by the inappropriate sexual activities of another person. sanon.org/

Working through the steps in this program helps you to realize that you can’t control the actions of another person but you can look into yourself and correct misconceptions and progress emotionally to a state of health and joy. I reluctantly started going to these meetings a few years ago and still go sometimes… it has been so helpful to be able to talk to other people who know exactly what I’ve gone through.

You didn’t cause him to cheat. He is the one who is responsible for his own behavior. Don’t let him or anyone else blame you for his actions.

I posted in teh attorney forum too, but I wanted to post here.

My husband and I would be married 5 years in April. We have a 1.5 and 3.5 children together. I put him through school and paid his child support for my step daughter the entire 5 years. HE now has a job, but I make about 5-6 times more than he does and have an opportunity of a big bonus (~40K and stocks).

I found out he wrote an ad on craigslist for someone to join him in our hottub while I was away visiting my parents with our kids. HE told me it was MY FAULT for looking and I bought it on myself! I have been devastated-not really for myself-I am a survivor and will reocver-but for my children. My poor babies arent going to have their dad around.

I think he will tkae me to the cleaners-we dont have a lot of bills and have about 175K equity in our house. He drives a BMW And I drive an odyssey. He lies, plays poker all the time (free), and I dont trust him at all now that I found the email.

I just feel so betrayed. WIll my children be ok? What did I do to cause this? I did EVERYTHING and it still wasnt good enough. I told my parents and they are very disappointed in him b/c of all we have been through, but they think he is taking advantage now.

I basically stay for my kids, but it just gets worse by the day. ANy advice? He is going to get all kinds of money and Ill prog have to pay him alimony, but I just want full custody of my kids and to be able to move back home to PA.

Thanks for listening.