Guilt and Turmoil!


Been married over 20 years and I wanted to call it quits because I don’t think I love him anymore and am in love with someone else. He moved out over 2 months ago and wants to work it out. He’s known all along that I have feelings for another man. I’ve told him many times I don’t think we can work it out feeling the way I do. Some days he accepts this and offers his friendship and support but then days later he seems to forget. He’s known I wanted to live as separated and I was spending time with this other man but only when hubby said I could - then he would get angry. He cycles through understanding/supportive, suicidal, angry - it made me crazy! One day he was willing to leave me alone and move on and within days he was threatening me and saying he would try to take my kids. There have been so many tactics and so much manipulation. It finally worked and I broke it off with the other man - but immediately regretted it. He and I are still in contact and still want to be together. Talked to hubby this morning and agreed I wanted to call it quits. Now he is so mean and angry and saying such hurtful things! I know I should be strong but I care deeply for hubby even though I’m not in love and don’t think we are compatible - he’s extroverted and I’m introverted - we dont really like the same things. The feelings of guilt are so overwhelming sometimes and I’m afraid I’ll give in and will be back in the place I started! He was not a horrible husband but I was NEVER his priority at all and we never seemed to have much in common but our kids. I have been so lonley for so long (years) and feel like we don’t have anything left. I know a long marriage and family shouldn’t be just thrown away and I have no gaurantees my new relationship will last either - we’ve been close for the past year and have known each other longer. I just don’t think hubby can make me happy again but I am so SCARED to move on! I do feel so badly for him because he loves me and is willing to forgive everything. He agrees (for now) that he will start over from scratch and leave me everything for the kids sake and he probably will - he’s just that kind of man. But he won’t miss a chance to make me feel guilty about it - and it works! I just don’t know what to do anymore because I do have a conscience and I do care about him but my feelings for this other man are so strong and I don’t think I can move on without him. Someone please help me find perspective on all this!!!


Sadly, I don’t think that anyone can give you any advice on how you should handle this situation. You must decide for yourself whether trying to make your marriage work is worth more than the relationship with another man because you are the only one who will have to live with the end result. There are no guarantees with either decision. What happens if they both decide that they no longer want to be with you…?
Just as we are not promised tomorrow, we also change our life with every decision that we make whether big or small. Waste time being in an unhappy marriage? Or throw out all the promises, years and effort you put into your marriage for something that may only be there because it’s “forbidden”?
Personally, it sounds to me as though you need to take some time to yourself, without either man around and figure out what YOU want your life to be. If you are not happy with yourself you will never be happy with someone else. You will constantly be looking for the next thing to “make you happy”, so it is not your husband’s job…it’s not the boyfriend’s job either.
I know that if you begin one relationship before you end the current one, that person will never fully trust you not to do the same thing to them, though they may say they do…And once you have been unfaithful to your marriage, it’s very difficult if not impossible for your spouse to ever truly forgive and forget to trust you again…though they may swear that they will. That part I know from experience. You have put yourself into a terrible situation…and I do feel badly for you.
Everything, and I do mean everything, in life comes with a price. Sometimes the price is trivial compared to the end result and we pay it happily, at times, without even noticing. Sometimes the price is so high that had we can not afford to risk it, no matter what the end result could be. It’s a matter of whether or not we are willing to pay the price for what we want out of our lives.

I had to let go of my ex of 11 years, in order to survive. I know that now but at the time, it was excruciatingly painful. I too went through the range of emotions that your spouse is going through. I was unhappy for many years and put off living. I kept saying that as soon as this or that happened then I would be happy. Whatever I was waiting on never happened and I know now that it never would have. But I would not be the person I am now, had I not gone through what I did. I had to decide that I would be alright, even happy, on my own. My ex, went straight into another relationship, started before we split, and marriage…he’s paying for that decision now…and it’s not pretty.
The only advice I can give you is that you should make a decision before the decision is no longer yours to make. Take some time to yourself if you need it but take the time FOR yourself and your children, not for either of them.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts…