My husband is in the military and shortly after he was restationed (I had to stay behind for a surgery), I learned that he was cheating on me…again. I went on base to have separations papers drafted and returned them after they were signed by both parties (he was in AZ at the time, but now permanently in CA). At the time that the papers were signed, emotions were running high so I admit the conditions were unreasonable. I agreed to amicably renegotiate the terms and have reduced my requests by over half. Basically, I want the car and a lump sum to assist with my move back to IL and the RN program I will be attending there. He only wants to give me the car and the equity in the house.
He says I don’t rate anything else because we were only married for 3 years and I worked during that entire time (which, really I hadn’t been working during most of the last year b/c i was in school). I spent 2 years as a successful Realtor but when I learned we would be getting relocated I went back to school for my CNAII to help me get into an RN program when we restationed. We separated shortly after I finished the CNA program. He claims since he paid for the CNA program (which, I think my dad actually paid for) and Real Estate classes, that he doesn’t have any obligation to help me with the RN program.
I am currently working but will be jobless after July when I move back to IL and due to the demands of the RN program I start in August, will not be able to maintain full-time employment. I don’t know if this would be factored into the divorce or not because technically w/the CNA and my work experience I do have the means to provide for myself, though nothing near the standards of living we had while together. Technically, I’m only a CNA in NC so it’s useless to me when I move to IL, but I would only need to pass a test to be certified in IL as well, something that wouldn’t be very difficult for me. I don’t have much choice but to move back to IL b/c I cannot afford to support myself and go to school here in NC and would not be able to do so back in IL if it weren’t for the aid of my family. Plus I am already registered for the RN program in IL.
We have no children and our debts include a $10,000 car loan, $2000 credit card balance, and $89,000 home loan. He took out another $15,000 truck loan after the separation. He’ll be getting a $53,000 bonus that he’s supposed to be using to pay off the car and credit card. He was also supposed to give me a lump sum from what’s left and I would sign a quit claim deed to the house (my name is already off the loan but still on the deed). He no longer wants to do that and is wanting me to sell the house and keep the proceeds from that as my only recompense. Assuming I found the time to sell it and was successful w/in a reasonable amount of time, there is hardly enough equity in the home to break even. We were in the middle of refinancing it to convert it into a rental property when the separation took place. The house has excellent rental income potential, which is why we planned on doing it in the first place. I am willing to help him sell the house or arrange a property manager or even rent it out privately, but I refuse to take on the burden of owning it.
I know that technically I could seek PSS or Alimony but I’m not sure if his argument is valid at all. I have proof that he made attempts to solicit sex online (including emails, advertisements, and paid subscriptions to websites that are solely for finding casual sex partners), but no proof that he actually ever committed the act. I’m sure if I subpoenaed his text messages that they would be pretty damning as he’s admitted to at least 2 long-term emotional affairs, but other than intent, I don’t know that I could find hard proof that he physically cheated. I did discover shortly after the separation that I now have genital herpes…something I most certainly did not have prior to marriage. During the marriage, I was 100% faithful but after the papers were filed (which included a paragraph about not going after each other for post-separation infidelity) I had sexual relations with 2 men before finding out I was positive for herpes. I did use condoms and both men have since been tested for herpes and came back negative. Unless the toilet myth is true, my ex gave it to me. However, I have not told him about this due to fear that I might have gotten it somewhere else and because it’s just embarrassing. He still claims that he never physically cheated on me. Because I had sexual relations w/other men before being diagnosed, does that pretty much disqualify that argument for me? Is there a way to force him to get tested and share the results?
I know I’ve rambled a lot, but overall I just want to know where I stand. Is it even worth arguing with him over this? What I had originally asked for (and he agreed to) totaled around $63,000 in value. Now I just want the car and $20,000 and to walk away. That’s less than half of what we originally agreed to. I never claimed infidelity as the cause of divorce because I didn’t want it to negatively impact his military career. I believe we’re currently filed under no-fault. Would that impact how things can be settled now? Should I just take the car and run or do I have grounds to demand more? Thank you in advance for the help