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[i]Originally posted by 20years[/i] [br]...he hung out with someone at his partner's house with very loud Rock N Roll music playing until after 3:00 AM. This is a man with expensive BOSE headphones and IPod which I watched him pack for trip.
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You can sue her for Alienation of Affection, giving the e-mails as proof of improper relationship. Criminal conversation is where you would have to prove an act of sex happened between your spouse and someone else. Alienataion of affection is basically any person that is affecting your marriage or “alienating your spouse’s affection for you”. Read on the home site about this and criminal conversation. I’m not sure that you actually have to separate and divorce to sue for this, but I think that if you find out he had an affair and choose to stay in your marriage then you are in essence forgiving him. If you do separate then his marital misconduct could be used for alimony, post separation spousal support and could make a difference in equitble distribution. Child custody also, but you didn’t mention children being involved, so that may not make a difference. The people that you mentioned knowing about the other “affair” could be called as witnesses to a relationship and also the woman involved in that could be sued. You could be sneaky have your husband write out a “confession” if he thinks you only need it for your peace of mind. You do have options, but need to decide for yourself if you are willing to live with what you suspect and turn a blind eye by dropping it, dig for the truth and forgive in the hopes that it will not happen again, or dig for the truth, separate and use it all against him.
I can tell you from experience, if they cheat, even once, they will cheat again. If they get away with it, basically not having to face any consequences for their decision to be unfaithful, they will do it again. You are the only one who can decide this. I wish you luck
Stepmother;
Thanks for answering, I waiver back and forth every day. We do have children and that is what makes me want to try -- only thing is he has yet to admit anything and he definitely would not write out a confession. I want to catch him red-handed, I know that there is a statute of limitations on the AofA, but trust me if I had to file that, it would also be at the same time as the separation/divorce. His partner cheated on his wife and when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore actually admitted it to her -- due to that, he had to be fair to her in the divorce. If I even mention anything about another woman paying him attention, he gets defensive and upset and warns me not to mention it again. I guess I just have to lay low and wait until my stomach and head tell me something else is going on, then pay the price to find out.
I think the statue of limitations is 3 years but I’m not sure if that would be 3 years after you find out or 3 years total, you should probably have a consultation with an attorney to be sure of what your options are on this.
Speaking from experience, the suspicions, distrust and accusations will never go away. It took me 9 years to catch my ex “red-handed” and I wasted a lot of energy and time trying to catch him. I wasted a lot of time and energy with indecisions and confronting him with my suspicions, he too was defensive when questioned about anything. My instincts were correct EVERY time he was “up to something”, and when I caught him, it was only because I had finally decided that I was ready for the truth and to do what I must do for myself once I confirmed what I already knew.
While I would never advise someone to give up on a marriage or to stay married, that is an individual decision, I would mention that you need to think of the reasons you are staying married. Staying married because of the children is the same, to me anyway, as getting married because you are pregnant. Don’t do the right thing for the wrong reasons. Stay married because you love your husband and want to spend the rest of your life with him. Are your children so young that you think they won’t notice the tension between you or the atmostphere when you are suspicious? Are they old enough to understand why you are anxious when he goes out of town…? Do you want your daughter growing up thinking this is what marriage is supposed to be? Do you want your son growing up thinking this is what husbands do? Children pick up on things like this quicker than adults do, so while you may hide your misery from your co-workers, family and neighbors, do not for one second think that the people living in your house do not know “something” is going on. Just some things to think about.
20years, you seem like a very angry, bitter person right now. I read nothing about any love you have (or had) for your husband, only a litany of spying/prying and paranoia about your husband’s life outside the house. It’s sad but telling that your only posts here have been about suing people and other vengeful actions, not in trying to save your marriage. If the love in your marriage has evaporated, that’s unfortunate, but usually both spouses share blame for such a situation. Besides constantly accusing him, spying on him and trying to “catch him redhanded” what are you doing that is a positive step towards convincing him to want to stay married to you? And if YOU don’t want to be married to HIM any longer, why waste all this energy making everyone miserable and threatening lawsuits? Just obtain a divorce and get on with your life.
By the way, AoA suits normally cost about $60,000 to bring and are very, very difficult to win. The Rosen atty’s here have indicated that they don’t know of any lawyers who would touch such a case on contingency. So, you could either blow that money on a frivolous lawsuit, or you could put it towards your kid’s college fund and just move on.
NCspouse, you are right, the hurt is for now too real [imagined or not]. Betrayal is the one thing I could NEVER bring myself to do to him because I do love him deeply and love our children and family very much. I decided a week ago not to read his emails anymore, to just drop it and try to heal our relationship. Any problems we have ever had in the past, he simply chooses not to talk about it. Not talking about it doesn’t allow it to heal. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I know that if he did do this and admitted it, at least for being honest with me I would feel so much better. Knowing that starting that day, we could start with an honest relationship. I have apologized to him for ever pushing him away or making him feel like I didn’t want him – he has not apologized to me for anything. In the past year especially, our lives seemed to really change, starting a new business made me so happy because we were doing something for us. Our kids were excited and proud but unfortunately what I have realized that when women see a successful man in town, it brings the sluts out of the woodwork. My loyalty to him is so strong that I have never had hesitation as to whether or not I should set any man straight who paid too much attention to me. For the past 19 years, he had my unquestioning trust because he never gave me a moment’s hesitation to consider otherwise. It is only with this new venture that he seems to have this power. Of the 2 people I have spoken with 1 male and 1 female, they both believe that it has nothing to do with our relationship or even me, but rather the fact that he suddenly feels powerful. I hope that I am so completely wrong, but only time will tell.
Since November 4th, I have been unable to eat, sleep or get any peace of mind. My husband has maintained a friendship with a woman over a number of years. It has always been platonic up until November of last year. She lives in NYC and he went there for a trade show. Apparently, they hung out, got drunk and who knows what else one night. A few months later, on Valentine’s Day, she sent him an e-card, which said thinking of you, as always. He innocently showed it to me. I told him it was improper. Since then, he went to NYC again with business partner, he probably saw her then, but no time for personal relationship. Fast forward to November, she came back to NC for class reunion, basically hung out at my husband’s restaurant all day, 10 days later, he went on a previously planned trip to NYC. On his last night there, apparently he hung out with someone at his partner’s house with very loud Rock N Roll music playing until after 3:00 AM. This is a man with expensive BOSE headphones and IPod which I watched him pack for trip. He denies any wrongdoing – says “I don’t remember” when asked for specific details 2 weeks later [when I uncovered the complaint email to his partner]. This occurred 15 days before our 20th wedding anniversary! The day after he comes home, this woman sent him an email with a picture attached – in the picture [from the reunion weekend, she is next to another man and her breast is completely hanging out]. He is the only recipient of this email. Disgusted, I decided to speak with an ex-employee of his with whom I am friends. Over dinner, I asked him straight out if he thought that my husband would cheat on me. With barely 30 seconds of hesitation, he said yes and then began to tell me about another employee “hostess” with which ALL of the other employees began to refer to as my husband’s girlfriend. This happened over the summer. He stated that he felt there was something inappropriate about their relationship. He did say that he never saw anything specific, it was just a feeling that he had, but other employees as well. He described one night where only those 3 were left at the restaurant and my husband and this female then went into the back office together. Another night, they left together and went to another restaurant/bar at which several additional employees later saw them there. I love my children so much and can’t imagine how much this will/would destroy their lives. I guess my question is this: since this latest woman has had a long-term friendship with him can I sue her for Alienation of Affection. Obviously I have no proof of sexual intercourse actually occurring, but his behavior since then has been suspicious. Since he came back from NYC, he has been unable to ejaculate inside me. His erections are extremely weak and appear to be more physical and the psychological prevents them from being normal. I do have actual printouts of inappropriate emails from her to him including the one sent only to him with her picture…this arrived the day he came home from NY. I want to obtain his cell phone records to see for sure how much he has been communicating with her. I specifically asked him 2 weeks ago to end his friendship with her and told him that it is detrimental to our marriage. I am angry, hurt, sick, surprised, disgusted and most of all heartbroken. Can you help? Do I have to actually separate/file for divorce from him in order to proceed with the AofA claim? What would I need to prove such a claim and what more would I need to prove adultery on his behalf. He knows of my suspicions and has no immediate plans to return to NYC.