Child decided to go live with father


#1

I guess when it comes to a 15 yr old I would wonder if how long is this going to last. Does she plan on making this a permanent move or is this because she is mad at mom?
You have 2 different issues here - custody and child support. If the wife and her ex can come to an agreement about custody and have that written up and notarized you may be able to do this without having the lawyers involved but I still think you need to file something with the court if you have an existing court order for custody. They will not change support amounts unless a modification for support is filed. Technically your daughter cannot decide this as she is still a minor, yes, the judge/court will take her opinion into consideration as long as the change is in her “best interest”.


#2

My husband and I have discussed this situation several times. If either of his sons ever come to the decision that they want to live with one parent or the other full time, it will be a permanent change. They are not going to switch back and forth due to one parent making them do things they don’t like, like cleaning their rooms.
Run the support calculator with the custody being reversed and see what your wife may owe. It may be a minimal amount. Also, mal is correct. If you have a court order for custody, you will need to file a modification of custody and that’s if both of you agree. The 15 yr old’s desire may come into play but if you both agree then there’s no reason to go to court over it. File a motion for modification and if it goes to court for the order to be changed there shouldn’t really be a problem. The only time a problem comes in is if one parent doesn’t agree to the modification. If you have child support through courts also will need to file for modification on that as well.


#3

What this all boils down to is the fact that her dad will let her do anything she wants and her mom and I have rules. We did not allow her older sister to date until she was 16, but she thinks she should be able to now since she has a boyfriend that is older and drives. Her father also allows her to use the phone all day and the internet all day and we impose limits. She also does not understand why there is a problem with letting 2 older guys come over to her house and play basketball while no parents are around. I do not know how long this will last, I just know to him she represents a check that he does not have to pay each month if he has her.

  I want her to be happy and if this is what she thinks she needs to be happy then so be it. I just hope she does not realize the price was to high before it is to late.[:(] I did the calculator and I hope we do not have to pay him, he works for his current wife and based on what he makes and what my wife makes it's not to good if we have to pay him. I want her to be supported, but if she makes the decision to live with him I do not think we should have to foot the bill.

#4

As a former “bad kid” I have to warn you, you are making a bad decision. You are a parent. You don’t worry about your kids “being happy” you worry about them being smart, well-cared for, and living within limits. It’s not your job to make her happy, it’s your job to raise her correctly. A few more years of a hellacious, cranky daughter is definitely better than the alternative of having a hellacious daughter AND an unexpected grandchild, AND any responsibility to the courts for whatever trouble she finds herself in as a minor.
Trust me - I am a girl and went through the same thing with my parents. I wanted to go live with my “real dad” of course thinking the grass is always greener. My parents never let me, because they wanted me to understand that easy isn’t always right and blah blah. They held on to me until college, and finally they gave in to me begging for them to let me be “happy” and allow me to “grow through my own mistakes” and allowed me to go to Florida State (the #1 party school in the nation)… I was pregnant by the end of my first semester, never finished college, and if you read my previous posts, you’ll see that the only way I managed to leave the father of my children was through a battered women’s shelter and a $300/mo apartment.
You’ve heard the biblical saying “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it…” When I got older and insightful, I thought a lot about this and wondered why I had such a rough phase, even though my parents did a truly good job of raising me… then I realized… the key phrase in there is “WHEN HE IS OLD/…” that doesn’t mean your kid won’t screw up and make your life a living hell while they sort themselves out… but if you consistenly give them a good foundation (against their wishes of course) then WHEN THEY ARE OLDER they will remember the lessons and morals you gave them, and turn out ok.

Please don’t go for the “I want her to be happy” approach. Short-term goals versus long-term goals. If you can’t teach your kids the value of delayed gratification, they’ll struggle in everything they do for a very very long time.

This is coming from a 24-yo mother of two, so my experience is very very recent and fresh in my memory. My parents did the right thing by keeping their thumb on me. If they had let me loose at 15, like I wanted, instead of 18, I would have been pregnant and/or have a minor arrest record at 15/16, guaranteed. Instead, I got pregnant at 18, but at least I got two more years of their strength and unwaivering commitment to the RIGHT choices, even when I made it hard for them.


#5

Think about this very carefully, before you agree to let her move. She may very well think that she will have more freedom, etc at her dad’s house than she does with you and that is why she wants to go. I work with a woman who let her 15 y/o daughter move in with her dad, a month or so later, she wanted to move back. She was always afraid to put her foot down because she didn’t want to “alienate her daughter” Well, let me tell you that after that child moved back and forth between her house and her ex’s house 4 different times, she finally put a stop to it. It was all about living with the parent who could give her what she wanted at the moment–not what she NEEDED, but what she WANTED. A 15 year old still equates happiness with material things, fewer restrictions etc. They don’t know what real happiness is. Make sure your decision is not one that all will regret in just a few weeks time.

venus


#6

Thanks to all of you who responded, my wife talked with her father and stepmom and they have both agreed to let her stay at her fathers for a few weeks (she only took some clothes for now). I personally think she is just using both side to get her way and have told my wife she gets one chance, meaning she can go live with him and if it does not work for all of us she can come back and live with us. If she ever wants to move again it will be permenant. I realize some may not agree wit this plan, but if she want to be closer to her dad then it will last if it is just to get her way and talk on the phone, internet, and date then it will not last (if he sticks to what he said he will do). Again thanks for all the replys I am asking my wife read this as well, hopefully it will help her deal with the situation and she will post back.


#7

TEST


#8

Why can’t I post a question. I keep getting a message stating something about a multispam question.


#9

Given the information that about why she wants this change then I think it’s a good idea that as soon as she gets to their house, they sit down and go over “ground rules”. It’s more difficult on the “weekend parent” because they feel they have to make up for not getting to be there all the time so they are more lenient. Hopefully her father and stepmother will quickly realize that a teenage girl should not get to do whatever she wants. Just because they are teenagers does not mean they don’t need structure and boundaries, and while they may be older and should be trusted a little more than say when they were 5, they also have greater responsibility, their problems are bigger, and their lives are more dramatic. Her father may have been trying to conpensate for not being there.
My ex’s son came to live with him at 10 yrs old, after his mother got remarried. He moved back to his mother’s at 14 after getting in trouble at school frequently. What he needed to learn was that you can’t keep running away from a situations that you don’t like. You learn to deal with things and make the best of it. You’ll appreciate that ability later on in life.
My ex was a weekend dad and had NO rules when his children were over. They ruled the house. After his son moved in, he quickly realized what I went through picking up after and doing everything for them. After the first two weeks, he started having a chore list to finish daily.
Keep a close eye on things, since your wife has custody, she has that right and if possible talk to the father about being consistent with some of the rules. He may not agree to this but it never hurts to try. Hopefully, they are able to discuss this amicably…


#10

Dear Confused Stepdad:

Greetings. Okay, the parent without the child almost always pays support, unless the parties agree not to accept/seek support. If the child support is currently court ordered, then it will need to be changed by the court.

Finally, if the child decides where to live, and the parents allow that, the child making the decision has no affect on child support - only issues are schedule of custody, income, expenses for the child. Thank you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#11

Since when does a 15 yr old make life changing decision?


#12

Dear Confused Stepdad:

Greetings. Yes, if the child lives primarily with him, and unless he agrees otherwise, she will need to pay child support for the minor child. Children don’t get to decide what they do, unless the parents both agree with their decision. Thank you and good luck.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#13

My wife and I have a 15 year old daughter who has decided to go live with her father. My wife has custody of her, but I know if she goes to live with him he should not have to pay child support to her anymore. My question is will she now have to pay him support? Or since the minor made the decision and not the court is she required to pay the father anything at all? We are keeping insurance on her but just wondering if anyone has any experience or knowledge on this.

Thanks,
Confused Stepdad