Stop nitpicking. Express your concerns about the clothing size, hair brushing and teeth brushing to your ex. These matters aren’t that important though. If the child is old enough, perhaps you should work on instilling personal accountability for brushing his hair more thoroughly and brushing his teeth more often. If he’s old enough to be going to school, he’s old enough to brush his own hair without mommy and daddy doing it for him. Divorced couples get so worked up over the most mundane, unimportant things and spend years fighting each other in court and calling our social services to intervene. You might be trying to club your ex in the head with all this needling, but it’s your son that is going to be hurt by it.
If he is not eating breakfast because he refuses to, then he can’t be forced to eat. If he wants to eat but his dad refuses to feed him then yes, that is significant and needs to be addressed. I’m guessing, though, that the situation is a common one - some days the child wants to eat breakfast, some days he doesn’t. As far as him telling you how hungry he always is, be careful and be fair. My children are hungrier at my house than they are when they are at their mom’s. Why? Because I feed them nutritious food and have snacks like apples and oranges instead of candy and potato chips. Sure, they might be hungry when they get back to mom’s… but it isn’t because there was any lack of food at my place. If your ex simply never has food in the house, that is different. But I would be slow to assume that your ex hates his kid and never feeds him. Don’t assume the worst. He’s probably not as evil a guy as you think he is.
Your various statements make one thing clear: you interogate your child when he comes back from dads house. It is, unfortunately, a very common thing that divorced parents do. What did dad feed you? How did you get that scratch? Why does mom make you go to bed so early? Why does dad let you stay up too late? On and on and on… It creates a terrible feeling for the child who has to put on one mask of loyalty when he’s with dad and another one when he’s with mom. Believe it or not, but doing this excessively is a form of child abuse called parental alienation. Rather than subject your son to constant questioning about what dad does or doesn’t do, replace your talk with words that supports the father-child relationship and makes your son feel like it’s okay to be loved and cared for by dad too.
You will find that people in this forum have different opinions that have formed from their personal experiences. Mal will tell you one thing, I will tell you something else and stepmother will tell you something different too. But the common demonimator is that you should put your child’s emotional needs ahead of any anger you may feel toward your ex.
Custody litigation is not the answer to your situation. When you were married to this guy did you go to social services whenever he forgot to feed breakfast to your son or remind him to brush his teeth? Did you threaten to take your son away from him when he dressed your kid in clothes that didn’t fit perfectly? Then why do it now? Real life is different from the crap you see on law and order and judge judy. It isn’t fun to be in court. Litigation will eat you alive emotionally and financially - and you are rarely better off than if you had just dealt with the problem as best as possible out of court.
If there is real child abuse going on, then demand DSS take action. If there isn’t real child abuse going on, then maybe consider dealing with this as best you can outside of court.