First, you absolutely should not file for divorce until your alimony and property rights are settled. If you file for divorce and you have not asserted your right to alimony or equitable distribution you will forever lose your right to seek these.
If you have friends or family that can lend you the money I would advise you to take advantage of their generosity and hire an attorney. From your post it seems like you may have given up a significant amount of marital assets and at this point, you have not gotten anything in exchange.
It is not likely that you will be able to draft a QDRO on your own, they are complicated documents and require approval of the plan administrator before the funds can be distributed to you.
Your first step should be a separation agreement. Since it appears you may have quite a few assets, I would strongly advise you to consult with an attorney for assistance in reaching an agreement.
Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax
10925 David Taylor Drive, Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax
1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.