Can it be done?

You can take your son with you if you decide to leave, but my suggestion is, find the proof of these alleged affairs, find an attorney, file for separation and Divorce from Bed & Board, and have HIM move out.

This is from the FAQ’s on Separation on the home web site here:
What effect will leaving have on a subsequent custody determination?
Many couples stay together “for the children’s sake.” Other couples feel they should separate for the very same reason. For this second group of parents, their fear is that even though they are leaving to protect the children, their chances for custody may be jeopardized by the fact that they decided to leave. In some instances this fear is justified. In others, however, leaving may be the best course of action. Consider the situation of a father who feels that he must leave his marriage for the health of his family. In his heart he believes that he is ultimately a better parent than the mother. Aspects of her parenting style worry him and he feels that the children will be healthier if he has primary custody. Moreover, he would most likely facilitate contact between the mother and the children. If the mother had custody, on the other hand, she would most likely cut off contact between him and the children. In order to develop a plan and establish himself in a separate residence, he decides to leave for a short period of time. After a few months, once he has made a new home for his children, he plans to return to seek custody. Is his plan to leave the home for a short time a good one? Probably not. Every day that he is away from his children - regardless of his reasons or intent - could be construed as deserting those children. Furthermore, every day that he is away is one more day in which the mother’s relationship with the children grows stronger. What is the best course of action for a parent who needs to leave, but wants to protect custody? In most cases, the parent should take the children with him or her. It may be difficult - in fact, some parents may decide that the best interests of their children dictate giving up the pursuit of custody - but it is an important course of action to consider.

These two also under the FAQ’s on Separation:

What if one spouse wants the other spouse to leave?
In the film “The War of the Roses,” Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner go to great lengths to force the other person out of the house. Many have found the movie’s dark humor entertaining. Unfortunately, its premise isn’t necessarily that far-fetched. Often the law forces people to act in strange ways to protect their interests. This can sometimes make getting a spouse out of the house very difficult. However, under the law in effect since June 21, 1995, it is far less difficult for parties to decide to live apart. In many instances, one spouse finds that he or she is in an unworkable marriage, but, for whatever reasons, does not want to leave the marital residence. While he or she might want to force the other spouse out of the house, an individual cannot legally do so without the intervention of a third party, such as the court. North Carolina courts have the power to force a spouse out of the marital residence if the other can support a claim for divorce from bed and board, child support, and alimony or postseparation support where fault is shown.

What is divorce from bed and board?
Divorce from bed and board is an antiquated statute and concept, but it still has its place in family law. It is, essentially, a judicially-sanctioned separation. In order for a spouse to prevail in a divorce from bed and board action, he or she must establish that the other spouse has committed one of the following fault grounds: 1. Abandonment. ( i.e. willfully leaving the marriage without just cause and without the consent of the other spouse) 2. Maliciously turning the other spouse out of doors. 3. Cruel or barbarous treatment that endangers the life of the other. 4. Indignities that render the other spouse’s condition intolerable and life burdensome. 5. Excessive use of alcohol or drugs so as to render the condition of the other spouse intolerable and the life of that spouse burdensome. 6. Adultery. If the court finds that at least one of these factors exists and that the marriage has deteriorated so badly that the only remedy is to force one spouse to leave, it will do so by granting a divorce from bed and board. If the court awards custody of the children to one spouse, a corresponding child support award may include possession of the marital home. The court might even order transfer of title to real property as part of an alimony or child support award. It is very important to note, though, that forcing a spouse to leave the marital home is quite drastic and courts are reluctant to do so unless the evidence strongly supports that course of action. It thus makes sense to consider seeking possession or ownership of the marital home in conjunction with an action for divorce from bed and board, alimony, postseparation support, and/or child support. At the very least, such a claim forces the other spouse to deal with the situation and may lead to expedited resolution of some separation issues.

Note #4 & #6 under the Divorce from Bed & Board question. I would consider surfing the internet for single women and lying about his marital status to be those sort of indignaties. #6 is self explanatory, Adultery is a crime in NC. In my opinion, he sounds to me like he is too young to understand what marriage means and is trying to scare you into staying with his sorry, lying, cheating butt.

80% of women that file for custody, get custody in the United States of America. The cards are stacked against him from the beginning, I don’t think you have a lot to worry about.

Thankyou so much for your advice and information. I have gotten him out of the home but due to him being in the military and there not being room in the barracks he has come back. He still is hiding stuff but i come to the point that i will just do what i can and get things taken care of. Yes i did worry about him taking my son but now im fine with it. I think after he had talked with someone they told him it is best not to take a newborn away from the mother. Everything was his fault and since i had the proof he would really lose alot because North Carolina is an adultery state. His command is backing me up…Thankyou so much for the advice and help.

rose tanner

Why did you bother dragging his command into this? You’ll get custody and child support and now you’ve made efforts to effect his career too?

mibabi1 did exactly what she should have done. A man (I don’t care if it is the father) that says he will take my child has thrown down the gauntlet and I will fight with any means I have to stop this from happening. If he was concerned about his career, he should not have done the things that “he” did to jeopardize his career and even his marriage in this case.

Don’t blame the mom for wanting to protect her rights!!!

When he’s discharged or in the brig, then she won’t be very happy with the lack of support payments she’s receiving,will she?

If the dad (like my future ex)has the $$$ then he can and will trample on parental rights. My ex took out an Ex Parte custody order for our daughter, claiming I was crazy…that I was seeing monsters and hearing voices. Go to court, and it was ruled I had to undergo a mental exam…after it was proven that I was not nuts, we go back to court so I can get visitation (went 61 days without seeing my child). Well this time, the ex and his attorney state they want a home study by DSS before I get visitation at my home…until the home study was done, I had visitation every Saturday for 2 hours at WALMART!! So the home study is done, and in my favor, we go to court, and the ex’s attorney states the social worker’s typed home study was hear-say. So, the judge orders my ex, and 2 members of his family, to visit my house (on 2 separate days) and determine if my home is safe for overnight visitation. Still, I only had visitation at Wal-Mart and 2 Saturdays in which I could have visitation at my home for six hours.

Alright, so the ex and his family visit my home…back to court. My ex straight lies about my neighborhood (saying it was a “ghetto” and people were walking around outside drinking beer)…when the home study stated my neighborhood was a “family community” (which is the truth). So, as a result, I only get 2 weekend visitations until the issue of custody goes to court for trial.

Well, this battle lasted 6 months, and I had visitation w/my daughter for only 134 hours during those 6 months. So, no suprise when the ex got to be primary custodial parent (but, thankfully, we do have joint custody).

I am all for father rights, I for one was raised by my father. However, the way my case was done was UNCONSTITUTIONAL!! People just can’t go around pointing fingers and making false accusations of mental stability and question whether a home is safe. I had a professional examine my mental stability, and determined I was “normal”. I had a professional study my home and determined my home was safe. Yet, the legal system further inhibited my parental rights, without just cause. I still can’t believe this happened to me. And my child is permanently damaged after being severely restricted from me (for no reason), but I now have her every other weekend. Which, I suppose, is better than nothing.

The family courts in NC need to be changed. It is nothing but a cash-cow system–whoever has the $$$, wins. But no judge or lawyer recognizes the damage done to innocent children in the process. I just hope that karma comes around and bites my ex, his lawyer, and the judges in the butt.

I just wanted to share my horrific experience, hopefully this won’t happen to any mother, father, or child.

I DO sympathize with you, and I feel you were terribly wronged. Unfortunately, in today’s courts, it’s no longer a matter of a Judge deciding between right and wrong. The only thing that matters is who has the most money to spend, and how quick the Judge thinks he can get rid of the case. The bad thing here is him getting DSS involved. They have a habit of overlooking the obvious, while overemphasing on irrelevant matters. You were wronged by the court plain and simple. In fact, I agree that your constitutional rights were violated. The only way we can prevent things like this is by letting the lawyers and judges that we won’t tolerate it anymore. Groups like Fathers for Justice ( who’s members are over 40% women) are trying to do just that. You may want to contact them in your area.

Although it is a very sad story, I think that you are an inspirational mother. If you have managed not to give up to this point, we can all learn something…


Cheylee,The same thing happened to my wife 20 years ago when the father of her two children made erroneous statements in a court of law,yes he and his parents had the money, and got custody of her children.They accused her of doing drugs,being unfit etc.None of the lies were true,but money said they were.So they took a 21 year old mothers childrens away and said you are better off with him.They gave her limiteted visitation, but she took what she could get.One hour supervised visitation a day until she could be proved “FIT”.She knew her kids were not happy and they cried for their mommy.To make a long story shorter,HE WAS THE ONE THAT WAS A DRUG USER,A LIAR AS WERE HIS PARENTS AND THEIR MONEY.How do I know this???Because every week we visit a grave site, that has two precious little children that I have never seen and my wife can never forget,because “their DADDY” left them at home alone to do his drugs and they died in a fire.HAWKMAN,I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THAT MANS CAREER,but I do care about his child.


I have a question that needs to be answered. I have 5 other children from a marriage before the one i’m in now. I have a 3 month old son from my husband now. I am nursing him and am the primary sole care giver to him. I get up at night to feed him and my husband hasn’t not once. I don’t get much sleep but care for him most of the time. Yes, my older children do help me when i ask them to.

But, I know he has cheated on our marriage mentally but going to find out Monday if he did physically. He does have signs of cheating but won’t go get checked out.

My question is that he said i can’t take my newborn with me if i leave the house ( i live in north carolina). I know a newborn needs his mother. Espeically if she is nursing. I am 34 yrs old and my husband is 21 yrs old. ( yes big age gap) He never wanted children and when i found out he was doing things in the marriage he shouldn’t have and with me knowing he didn’t want children i was going to put my son up for adoption. ( this was when i was 4/5 months pgnt) But that was then. I love my son to death and would do anything for him as i would my other children.

My newborn was born early at 33 weeks because i got really upset over something i found on my husband. ( yes internet stuff and saying he is single and meeting girls on there). But i have a very healthy son now and all because of the care i have been giving him.

I am so scard that i can’t do anything and i have to stay in this marriage because he said that he will take custody of my son. I want to know if he can when he really hasn’t even stepped up to the plate on caring for him all the time. I mean we went on vacation and he didn’t have to work but yet he didn’t once get up with him and let me rest a night or two.

What are my chances of getting custody of my new born son. I can’t deal with the stuff that has been going on in the marriage and he just won’t change or even go to the Dr to get checked out for the stuff that was found on him. He tells me that they have always been there and i know for a fact they have not! What can i do?

rose tanner