Custody order being reviewed


Wow…I’m not sure why a judge would allow this to be put in the order to start with. Normally the overnight thing is in there, but not having the children around a specific person is not, unless there is cause that that person could be a danger to the child/children.

I would say that his attorney put that in and her attorney did not object to it or even inform her about it prior to presenting it to the judge for signature. She needs to discuss this with her attorney and see if there can be anything done about it now. A temporary order can last for years sometimes if the paries do not push to have it heard or if one party keeps requesting it continued. She will need to talk to her attorney and find out this information. If you contact her attorney they are likely not to consult with you because they are representing her. Keep in mind though that her attorney also works for her and will likely do what is in the best interest for her case.


Thanks for your response Stepmother. Her attorney told her this particular Judge was not keen on a new BF/GF being in the picture so soon. Also, the mother has been pretty stressed out and beaten down by this custody battle that she was willing to sign this order and, thankfully get joint custody.
I just can’t imagine this being the case after the divorce and after the 6 month review. I’m pretty concerned about it. Should I hire my own attorney?

And no, there is no reason I should be seen as a danger to the children. If there were I can understand, but that is just not the case. The STBX has told his attorney that I stated to him I would hurt the Children. This was a complete Lie. I had one conversation with the STBX and the only thing I said, repeatedly durinn the one-sided conversation, was that I would not be answering ANY of his questions.


It sounds as though her attorney did the only thing that he could have to get shared custody. Hiring your own attorney would not be necessary because custody does not have anything to do with you. You shouldn’t even be called to court to testify since you have not been around them to witness their relationship. If they separated in Dec. 2007 then to me, August is not “too soon” to introduce a new person. Providing that person is going to be involved considerably in their lives. IMHO it’s not a good idea to introduce children to a stream of people, but depending on their ages, having them know you are dating someone is alright
It’s inevitable that both parents will have new people in their lives and IMHO this is just prolonging the inevitable. There’s also the potential that the children will be upset that mom is seeing someone for however long and they don’t know about it and haven’t me you.

She needs to contact her attorney and ask them what is the next step with having this removed from the order, once the divorce is final. As I said, temporary orders can last for a lot longer than they are originally set for. I believe that after the divorce is final, this really will no longer be a factor because one parent can not dictate who the children are around while in the other parent’s care, unless there are known issues. If they have joint custody now and continue with that schedule until after the divorce and then you are introduced to the children, the most that can happen is that he files for primary custody. But he has no grounds to file for primary custody if the shared custody situation works. He is unlikely to get primary custody just for the purpose of keeping the children away from another person in his ex’s life. That is not in the best interest of the children and even a “old fashioned” judge knows this. The Feb date was probably set so that the divorce proceedings would have time to finalize. As long as there are no valid reasons, this will probably be removed from the order after the divorce.

My husband’s ex pitched a fit about me right up until we were married. “She has no right…” “She better not ever…” “I’m their mother and she can’t…” and my all time favorite…“They don’t have to be nice to her, listen to her, or respect her. She’s not their mother”. She’d fuss about me doing one thing and fuss about me not doing something else. I couldn’t tell the children to put their seatbelt on or put a coat on when it’s 20 degrees out. I was supposed to tell him that he needed to tell them. Then, "It’s cold outside, why didn’t she tell them to put on a coat? See, I told you she doesn’t care about my kids"
All this in front of the children, and in an effort to keep control. I will admit that to some extent this worked because it has kept me from being closer to my stepsons as I would like. The boys still wait for their father to repeat something that I’ve asked them to do… but I am their family now also, so all it really did was cause more problems and confusion for them.

I commend you on being concerned enough for this lady and her children to research this and try to find a solution. The best advice I can give is that since you are not allowed at this point to be around the children, give things time to calm down and quit worrying so much about this right now. Be supportive and see where your relationship is in Jan. If you two are closer and it looks as though you are going to be very involved, then it needs to be discussed with the attorney about having it removed from the final custody order. A lot can change in 6 months during a divorce, as everyone on this site could tell you. What matters to the ex now, may not make a difference in a month much less six.


Thanks again stepmother. I fully plan to abide by the given order and see what happens in six months. I also fully expect to still be very involved with the mother. We have a very good relationship now, and as the stress of this divorce lightens, I expect things to only improve for us. I just want to be prepared for what may come and how to defend myself against it. It has a profound effect on me to be banned from the people my girfriend cares about the most, her children. I look forward to hearing from the attorney on this and I’m sure I will soon.


From your earlier posts, I can only assume that the STBX has your name in the order because of the suspected AofA and CC issues. It is probably more emotionally related than anything else. It’s another way of lashing out at your girlfriend through you. Maybe the STBX can’t sue you for lack of money or other reasons, so he’s doing whatever he can to prevent you (or make difficult) a relationship with this woman. He is angry and he is trying to make himself feel better.

I just don’t see how LEGALLY you can be prevented from EVER meeting the children. I would hope that your girlfriend will not tolerate his dicatating who the kids meet. I understand the present stress, but hopefully, she will try to rectify it as her divorce is finalized.

Much luck to you. I totally relate to your situation. I am glad my legal battle is over, but I will ALWAYS be perceived as the person who ruined a marriage and damaged children in the process. It doesn’t matter what the actual facts are, I will always be perceived that way by some people. That road will always be riddled with potholes, bumps and hills.


Thanks comingclean2. And Stepmother, the children are still young. 4 and 6, so they would not be upset about not knowing of me at thier age. However, the father has told them about me. He’s told them I am a bad man and I will be going to the devil when I die.


I guess I had this a little easier because though my husband’s ex did and continues to talk badly about me, the children were and are at least able to see the truth for themselves. They have repeatedly stated that certain things their mother said didn’t seem to be true. I’ve never said a bad word about her to them nor have I spoken to her. (I don’t respond well to screaming and threats)
I met my husband a month after his ex left him for another man. When we began dating she hit the roof. She still, to this day, blames me for them not getting back together. So to tell the boys that it’s my fault they are not still married is not too far to stretch that statement…

Trust me when I tell you that everything comes back around. I’ve seen it happen. It’s understandable to some extent for there to be bitterness during a divorce, sadness and even anger. There’s no excuse for putting the children in the middle or using them to get back at the other parent. But it almost always happens and it’s a very stressful situation on everyone involved. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that changes almost daily. There is no set pattern for how the children will adapt and each person copes with the situation differently. When your situation will get difficult is when the children began asking their mother about you and she can’t respond because they aren’t allowed to meet you. She will feel the need to defend you and that’s not going to be easy when they aren’t able to see for themselves.
Be patient. Be supportive and understanding. Things can be difficult even on the person who left the marriage. Be thankful that the children are young and hope that they do not remember too much. Most of all, be prepared. When it comes to another person being in a child’s life, most parents get very protective. Anything that can be done or said to keep that from happening, will be done or said.


That’s really not fair at all. The kids really don’t need to be told of any details really-especially at their age.


I would still like to hear from an attorney on this matter.


It sounds like the order was entered by consent, meaning she agreed to the provision that you would not be around the children. From what you described it sounds like there may be compelling reasons for her to have done so. If a judge hears this matter it is unlikely that that provision would remain in there. She needs to insist it be removed in the next negotiation or bring it to the attention of the judge when she goes back to court. You do not need to hire an attorney and even if you did so, there would not be anything they could do.

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I bet I know the Judge. Same one that took my babies from me and handed them over to their father who merely wanted the kids to be able to hurt me.
You need to lay low. This Judge is overly moral, and in child custody court, the Judges can do basically whatever they want. I, for example, was living with my then boyfriend (now husband) and that was the basis of his decision to take the children from me and hand them off to their father who merely wanted them to “win” over me. He had different women in and out of his house but I had no attorney and he did—he came off looking like a boy scout which couldn’t be further from the truth. Once the permanent order is in place, it’s nerely impossible to change, regardless of what is best for the kids, and what they want. It is a broken system, and I have lost all faith in it. It hurts our kids over and over again. My recommendation is to back off when the kids are with her. No overnights (ex will probably have a PI video taping your being there) lay low…just until the order is permanant and when it is, and if you are in it, you two will have to marry for it to drop. If you don’t you could cost her her children.


I am dating a woman who is seperated but not yet divorced. The absolute divorce can be filed for in Dec and should be decreed by the end of January 2009. She just was awarded Joint legal and physical custody with equal time of her two children, after a long custody battle with her STBX. The custody issue was pre-tried and the judge issued a temporary order. In this order, the judge put that niether party was to have overnight visits of the opposite sex while the kids are in thier custody. This is the norm and totally understandable. However, it goes on to say that the mother specifically cannot have me around the children during her custody. The STBX and his attorney was very adement that this clause be in the order. There is nothing in my past, and I have a clean record. There is absolutly no reason i shouldn’t be around the children other than the fact the STBX has some control issues and is still very bitter about the divorce. The mother and I had no plans to introduce me to the children until after the absolute divorce, but it is very unsettling for me that I am specifically called out in this order. I understand that it may be in the best interest of the children to not have them meeting a boyfriend/girlfriend this soon, and I am ok with that, but I DO NOT want this to be a permenant order and neither does the mother. Her custody order will be up for review in 6 months (Feb 2009. My questions for the attorneys and anyone with good knowledge are:

  1. What action (other than abiding by the current order) should I take to ensure this clause is dropped from the order come review time?

  2. Should i get my own attorney, or can I consult with hers before the review?

  3. I can’t think of any reason a Judge would allow this to be in the order for any length of time after the divorce is final, Is there any?