Ex is messing with the kids minds and hearts


#1

I have 3 kids from previous marraige. He lives in CA I live in NC. Three years ago he decided to move back here to be closer to the kids and we did 50/50. That was a complete disaster! He tried to change their school to where it was close to him, their stepmom would do things like send Bday invitations 2 months early for a date I was supposed to have them and the invitations have a picture of all of them and she wrote mom by her pic (just weird stuff) Anyway they tried to talk the kids into living with them and visiting me on weekends, so they asked the kids where they wanted to live and the oldest answered first and said with me and visit him on weekends. Their dad and stepmom went berserk!!! He blamed the oldest for speaking up first that the other would follow! He cursed her out and told her that he WAS NOT paying child support. The step mother said " well if you guys wont love us then we a moving back to CA and adopting a child. My ex came here and threatened to kill me! So what did they do, moved back to CA and what are they doing know fostering troubled kids hoping to adopt in a year. He never told the kids my oldest found it on the stepmoms facebook! The kids were hurt! Now I don’t know about visitation with troubled teens who are boys and us having two teen girls and a boy in a two bedroom house. What would you do???


#2

Wow. I’m so sorry. I’d probably get the kids in therapy where they can talk to someone neutral about everything, and explain to them that that’s why you are “getting someone to talk to who might be able to help them understand what’s going on because you don’t understand it yourself.” I’d also acknowledge their hurt and tell them that you understand why and get them to talk about it, but not make judgemental responses (as much as possible)…just listen and acknowledge.

As far as the ex and his wife go…this is going to come back to bite them in ways they cannot even conceive of. Truthfully, they are the ones who really need therapy. Children don’t exist for the sole purpose of filling the empty holes in one’s own soul, eh? I feel sorry for whoever they foster!

As far as visitation goes, that’s a hard one. Legally, unless you have proof that the situation is damaging, there’s not really much you can do, but allow it. That’s why the therapy would be so important. It would give them armor to enter such a situation and keeping the lines of communication open would allow you to determine if you need to pursue full custody.


#3

I have looked into therapy for them. I think I probably need it too cause I don’t understand why or how they can do the things they do. The kids will be so mad and upset with him but are scared to tell him. He tries to talk them into living with him and is using fostering as one of his ploys by saying "well my own kids wont come live with me I might as well pick up a kid off the street."
I tried so hard to make things go smooth. I tried so hard to get along with the stepmom but how can you when she is calling me “fata** and bit**” in front of my kids. I just tell the kids I am sorry she does that.
I think I am scared to pursue legal actions, I am afraid of this man and always will be. He is VERY manipulative and always gets his way legally or not. He took the kids once and wouldn’t bring them back (when he lived here) and I had to check the kids out of school early to get them back.
I really hope this does come back to bite them but I too feel for those kids he fosters and the one he is going to adopt and his own kids!


#4

The courts will tell you to get use to it.

He has a right to live his life without interferance.

I know this is not what you want to here but, it is what you can expect to hear.

And, it works both ways. He cannot interfere with your life and what you do when the kids are with you.

Phil


#5

All you can do is abide by the custody order/agreement in place. If he violates this agreement/order then you can hold him in contempt. If you so decide to get therapy for your children on your time with them, there is nothing he can do about it. Unfortunately, it is true that he is entitled to live his life without interference, but not to raise the children independently from you. You have just as much right to the childrens’ lives/welfare as he does. You have to decide what is right by the children and do what you feel is right for them when they are with you. Whatever you decide, he cannot do anything…not when you have them. If they are being adversely affected by the situation with their father, then the Court will do something, but you have to prove it. He also cannot refuse to pay ordered/agreed child support. The Court will step in to rectify that situation.


#6

Wow, I am so sorry but I had two foster brothers and it really wasn’t bad. They did have a separate room of course and it was better than having real brothers because mostly they knew they were foster and would be nicer to me because my parents could always get mad and make them leave. And its nice to have brothers too because mostly they were nice and funny until Tommy had to leave.