Need advice


#1

Is there a possibility that you could get into counseling and salvage the marriage?
If not then, iIf you are in NC now, I would suggest that you get an attorney and ask your husband to leave, your daughter stays with you, in the marital home so as not to disrupt her life any more than it will be.
These two FAQ’s are from the home page:

What if one spouse wants the other spouse to leave?
In the film “The War of the Roses,” Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner go to great lengths to force the other person out of the house. Many have found the movie’s dark humor entertaining. Unfortunately, its premise isn’t necessarily that far-fetched. Often the law forces people to act in strange ways to protect their interests. This can sometimes make getting a spouse out of the house very difficult. However, under the law in effect since June 21, 1995, it is far less difficult for parties to decide to live apart. In many instances, one spouse finds that he or she is in an unworkable marriage, but, for whatever reasons, does not want to leave the marital residence. While he or she might want to force the other spouse out of the house, an individual cannot legally do so without the intervention of a third party, such as the court. North Carolina courts have the power to force a spouse out of the marital residence if the other can support a claim for divorce from bed and board, child support, and alimony or postseparation support where fault is shown

What is divorce from bed and board?
Divorce from bed and board is an antiquated statute and concept, but it still has its place in family law. It is, essentially, a judicially-sanctioned separation. In order for a spouse to prevail in a divorce from bed and board action, he or she must establish that the other spouse has committed one of the following fault grounds: 1. Abandonment. ( i.e. willfully leaving the marriage without just cause and without the consent of the other spouse) 2. Maliciously turning the other spouse out of doors. 3. Cruel or barbarous treatment that endangers the life of the other. 4. Indignities that render the other spouse’s condition intolerable and life burdensome. 5. Excessive use of alcohol or drugs so as to render the condition of the other spouse intolerable and the life of that spouse burdensome. 6. Adultery. If the court finds that at least one of these factors exists and that the marriage has deteriorated so badly that the only remedy is to force one spouse to leave, it will do so by granting a divorce from bed and board. If the court awards custody of the children to one spouse, a corresponding child support award may include possession of the marital home. The court might even order transfer of title to real property as part of an alimony or child support award. It is very important to note, though, that forcing a spouse to leave the marital home is quite drastic and courts are reluctant to do so unless the evidence strongly supports that course of action. It thus makes sense to consider seeking possession or ownership of the marital home in conjunction with an action for divorce from bed and board, alimony, postseparation support, and/or child support. At the very least, such a claim forces the other spouse to deal with the situation and may lead to expedited resolution of some separation issues.

Protect yourself and your child the best way you can financially before you do anything. Get an attorney and document everything. Document dates and instances. Try to keep your child out of this as much as possible. Most parents, especially the vindictive ones, will try to make you the bad guy in your child’s eyes. Keep in mind that your child will not understand any of this and will be frightened. Keep reassuring her that no matter what is said or done between you and her father, it’s not her fault and that you love her.
You making more money than him may only need to affect child support and equitable distribution.
Good luck!


#2

We have been in counseling for about 3 months now. At this point my husband is seeing the counselor alone because he has severe depression and I have been told that I “know who I am” and don’t need to go with him for a while. Your advice would be great if I could afford to pay the mortgage by myself, but on my salary with day care, student/car loans to pay I could not even come close. What would I be documenting? Anything said or done that is negative? He is not abusive physically but tends to be very controlling in what I am able to do and does not get out of the house to do any activities with us other than the grocery store or his parents house. Should I just keep a daily log of the goings-on?


#3

Get an attorney if you do decide that you are leaving. Keep records of everything, a accounting of things would be a start,(yes, anything said or done), also what you are paying for. Abuse isn’t necessarily always physical, there is emotional also, speaking from experience, the controlling types seem to do with without realizing it’s considered abuse.
If you are not able to stay in the home then make sure you take your child with you when you move. You will need to then start recording conversations with your husband. That will give you a little more to work with to prove emotional abuse. NC is a “no fault” state, meaning that the only two reasons to file divorce 1)Living separate and apart for one year and one day 2)insanity (meaning your spouse is declared legally insane). Abandonment is defined as one spouse leaving the marital home without benefit of legal separation but since NC is a no fault state and the separation would only start after someone leaves the marital home, it’s really pointless. May help in alimony cases, but very rarely is it even brought up.

I hate to say this but your husband’s “severe depression” may work against him for custody. I hate to say it because with your husband having this diagnosis, separation and divorce are not going to make it better and will probably make his emotional stability even worse. All children need both their parents involved in their lives, I firmly believe that, but I also believe that children need them to be emtionally stable. As far as custody, taking your daughter with you will give you a better chance and you have a pretty good chance already, but get an attorney!


#4

You could abuse the law, cook up a story about being in fear for your life or of physical abuse, sexual abuse or your child is in danger from him. Ain’t it grand?


#5

You cook up the story, go see the cops/courts, document the story, get a Domestic Violence Protective Order and the cops will remove him from the house. Despicable, but effective.


#6

Dear pumpkin:

Greetings. You should speak with an attorney directly about your situation. There are many ways to plan for separation. One suggestion though is that before you leave, please do speak with an attorney. Thank you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#7

How do you know if you have a good attorney? What should you look for? I am sure that this varies greatly, but is there a ballpark amount that the entire process can cost? When is the money generally expected and how does that work typically?

Another question: In the state of NC what is emotional abuse defined as-How does NC law define emotional abuse? I do not want to be untruthful but do believe I have been emotionally abused.


#8

Dear pumpkin:

Greetings. An attorney that is good, as far as I would define it, is one that listens to you. They set time aside for you (it may not be as much as you want, but it is your time) and they return your calls within 24-48 hours. They are knowledgable and can answer your questions quickly and competently, and if they don’t know the answer, they try to get the answer. They are honest about your potential outcomes, since they cannot guarantee you anything. You should feel comfortable, and if you don’t, then keep looking for a new one.

Check out our fee calculator for ideas on cost. I consistently quote clients the same as they see on our fee calculator based on their situation, the work involved, etc. Money is expected before the work is done in our office. Who does the work? The people in the office that you retain.

North Carolina law does not define emotional abuse as far as I know. Instead we have other fault standards for alimony. Thank you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#9

I have a very controlling husband that I have been considering leaving for almost a year. I have lived in another state most of my life so am unfamiliar with NC law and where I stand as to leaving him. I have a 2 year old little girl and want to make sure I do everything right so that I have the best chance of getting custody of her. I make slightly more money than my husband so am worried about abandonement so have held off leaving him and moving in with a friend. My husband is a very vindictive person as well and am worried what will happen to me-how he might sabotage our finances or influence our child negatively once I start on this path. I really need someone to talk with and am not sure where to go. I need to know what my rights are and what I should/should not do. Thank you.