Thinking about divorce

Advice: Don’t

Your reply is little vauge. Don’t what? Move out before the papers are filed, move out after the papers are filed, or don’t even get a divorce?


[i]Originally posted by don5327[/i] [br]Advice: Don't

You can’t file divorce papers until you DO move out and live separate for a year.

Now, you SHOULD get separation papers drawn up and signed before you move out. THis is to protect yourself as far as bills, mortgage and so forth, but you can’t make her sign them.

You don’t need a separation agreement to move out, but it is HIGHLY recommended. You should talk to a lawyer before anything else.

I think don5327’s advice was don’t move out of the house. IMHO, the person that initiates the separation is the one that should leave the marital home…it’s only my opinion. If you have no interest in remaining in the marital home once this is all over and done with then even in moving out you are still entitled to 1/2 the marital assets/debts. If you want to eventually be in the marital home, your best solution is to have the spouse move out to begin separation.

My suggestion is to consult an attorney, get a separation agreement written up resolving ED, child custody and support, and/or alimony and sit down with your spouse to discuss this. You do not have to have a separation agreement to leave the home but it’s best to consult an attorney prior to doing anything. It’s also best to attempt for this to be as amicable as possible if you have children. Leaving without notice would be very stressful as would receiving separation agreement papers without even letting them know that you are unhappy. I’ve had this rug pulled out from under me before so I speak from experience. If at all possible, speak to an attorney and then speak to your spouse before leaving. Negotiate as much as possible…

Sorry for my blunt response. The subject of your post struck a nerve with me. It is akin to saying:

I would still see an attorney first.

We do not know your particular situation, and every reason for leaving a family is different. Breaking marriage vows is sometimes necessary in certain situations, especially when one party is a ‘toxic’ mate, or if you are truly unhappy and your marriage is causing other problems like depression, anxiety and sadness. Sometimes, despite all that can be done to ‘repair’ a marriage, it still fails. You should NOT feel guilty or ‘live with the fact that you’ve destroyed your family’. Sometimes, the family is already destroyed internally, and leaving is the best for all involved…even the children. And just because you decide to leave, does not mean you have to be responsible for 100% of the responsibility for the house and college education OR more than a fair amount of alimony (if that is a consideration).

NC is a no-fault divorce state. Just because you are the one that decides to leave, doesn’t mean the failure of the marriage is your fault. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. If you’re working with a brick wall or uncooperative mate, then it can’t work no matter what you do.

Just my opinion. [;)]

I don’t disagree with what needinganswers says. Only you know your situation. I know that we are all human and sometimes we make mistakes with the person we marry.

I am saying that in the best of circumstances divorce is messy business. Very messy. It should not be considered lightly. If your situation is as I described in point A. Then my original “advice” stands.

If you want more time than the standard every-other-weekend custody arrangement, do not move out of the house and do not permit your spouse to take the children with her if she chooses to move out.

The children’s status quo living arrangements are often upheld in custody matters. If you move out from the children’s home or they are moved out from your home then a different living arrangment will be established that will be hard for you to change later on.

If you want more than this standard custody time, then try now to get your wife to agree to it and get the agreement notarized. If the divorce is the least bit rancorous, the first thing that many women use as leverage in court are the children (my apologies to you ladies who have the integrity to not do this). The statistics I’ve seen here in NC reflect that if custody matters go to trial that mom gets the kids and dad gets a token amount of parental access in the vast majority of the cases. The “tender-years” doctrine is still alive and well in the NC judicial system.

< soap box > Like the others here, I do not know your personal circumstances and have no right to judge you. But I’m going to give you a word of unsolicited advice akin to what don said. If you are bored or have just fallen “out” of love with your wife, divorce is just not the right option. You never get rid of your spouse after divorce. You never truly get to move on when you share duties as parents. Talk to you wife about your problems, your consideration of divorce and make a noble effort first to save your family unit. There are excellent books, articles and web sites that can help. Marriage counseling is definitely worth the time, money and effort. If you give it your best over a reasonable period of time and still want a divorce, then do what you need to do. But don’t throw it all away without your very best, concerted efforts to repair the marriage first. Love isn’t a feeling. It’s an action. Love your wife. Spare your children the lifelong anguish of a divided family. < /soap box >

HI there,

I have been married with 7 years, and have two children and I am thinking about divorcing my wife.

We have just purchased a house together; the mortgage is in my name, but we are both on the deed.

My question is this:

Once the divorce papers are filled, and she receives them, should I move out of the house? Or should I move out prior to her receiving the papers?