Venting - stepdaughter

Hi mal
I can not say I feel what you are going through but what I have read in your post says that she yes is a teen but there seems a bit more how do you and her get along? You also said that things got worse when your husband went to med/court for an increase do you think she bitter about this it seems it to me why I say this she maybe getting the feedback form her mother and not knowing/seeing the whole picture (teen thing) has he tried to talk to her about this and his EX aswell.
I know with my children I keep them in the loop aswell one thing that I did learn from all this is how to love and show love it took such a bad thing as what happened to me to understand what life is about and to tell you to truth I glad this happened to me from my view point.
May in time she will see the picture and understand why maybe the best thing to do is just love each other.
Good luck to you

Arthur, thanks for writing back. She and I used to get along really well but not as much any more. The whole custody thing just played out very badly. My husband talked to the children before ever talking to his ex to get their feelings on spending more time w/ us and as she was involved in many extracurricular activities closer to her mother’s house she felt that it would be difficult for her to be over much more so he chose to respect that and let her come and go as she wanted. It was a blow when she showed up (unexpectedly) the day of court and her explanation later was that she felt it had to do with her, when it really did not. We know that Mom works her “magic” on the kids whenever possible, who knows what she tells them! I think one issue is that my husband has tried to be a parent, which her mother is not, preferring to be seen has more of a peer and friend. His attempts to establish curfew and requiring her to call if she changes plans have not be received well.

You are welcome
Can I ask you this is your husband’s ex married? This is the time/age where your stepdaughter is wanting to know so much does she know all about what happened and about you? If the ex is not I can see what she is doing to her just feeding her alot of junk and tring to get back at you. This is what it seems to me I heard on the radio today about bleding families just like yours do you have children? this talk show talked all about the do’s and the don’t I liked hering it, it made me feel good to here and the same time wanting to have this and my time will come when I meet the right one can not wait but until then I wait.
I hope all in your famaily can see eye to eye and I think it will in time.
I hope to here from you again if you can
Bye for now

No, ex is not remarried though she has been dating someone for awhile, without any signs of his planning on making it permanent. The daughter understands some of what happened between the parents, that it was basically mom’s actions which caused the divorce. My husband and I met well over a year after they’d separated.
We are hopeful and prayerful that in time his daughter will be mature enough to understand and handle the situation better.

I would recommend that both you and your spouse continue to reassure her that you both love her, want to spend as much time with her as possible, but understand that she is now an adult, and has to make her own decisions.

I agree with ERM. I understand how frustrating this is for both of you. I am thankful that my husband has boys. I’ve always said that a son will likely break everything in your home at least once but a daughter will break your heart. It may be that since she’s almost 18 she is going through some changes that have nothing to do with you guys. There is a “selfish” phase that most people go through around that age where you are finally getting old enough to be on your own somewhat and want to prove to everyone that you can make your own decisions. It’s not usually personal, it’s just time for her to “make her stand”.
But keep in mind that you can’t treat a child like an adult for years and then when they are 16 or 17 start treating them like a child. If your husband has set down ground rules for his house, curfew or requiring phone calls, then stick to them. You can not let either child get away with not following those rules. If their mother does not have rules, so be it, but if the rules you set down are not unreasonable then they should be followed while they are with you.

Thanks - husband is talking to the daughter today. I suspect there is lots going on…resentment that dad wanted more time w/ younger brother, the “selfish” phase, her own busy life, sticking with mom as she sees her as the “underdog” and also the one who lets her do what she wants and when she wants to, new boyfriend…but it is sad and heartbreaking to watch my husband try and stay in contact w/ her only to have her rebuff his attempts.

Hang in there. I’m told that eventually they do all grow up [;)]. Maybe your husband needs to make a new “rule” for himself where she is concerned. Ask her that if she is going to continue to brush her father off that she needs to consider that the money and rides will stop also. If she can set aside time once a week for her father and your family then he can decide about giving her what she wants. You get out of any relationship what you put into it and it’s give and take. She needs to learn that you can not continue to take and never give anything. Demand the same respect from her that she is asking from him…just a suggestion.

One point not brought up… this happens in non divorced families. The child pulls away and shuts the parents out of their personal lives. They are selfish and inconsiterate. The best bet is to stick to your guns and enforce concequences. She may be feeling jealous of the brother being fought over and not her. But most likely, the momma is getting the same withdrawal you are. Treat her as an adult, she will either accept it or not. You cannot force her to communicate. But you don’t have to cater to her whims, if she wants something and it’s inconvient, tell her. Just as you woud any friend who asked a favor you didn’t want/couldn’t do. Good luck

Ok, I just need to vent a bit but would welcome any input/feedback or advice. My husband’s daughter (almost 18) has had little to do with him for the past several months. Despite inviting her over, calling, texting, etc she seldom responds unless she wants something like a ride or money, or at least that’s how it seems to me. It makes my blood boil and I also feel terribly sad for my husband who obviously loves his daughter very much. We suspect that things are just easier/more lenient at mom’s so she elects to stay there. He’s tried talking to her, taking her out for meals, writing her notes and letter but pretty much gets the same responses all the time.
I know that many of you are going to shake your heads and say that she is just a teen but believe me things had been much better w/ her and it got much worse when my husband went to mediation and court to increase custody of his 9 yr old son.