My wife and I are nearing the end - separating.
I already see her “gathering her weapons” to use against me.
One Weapon is accusing me of Adultery - she told me “I have evidence you have been with another woman since we’ve been married”
and “you have been emotionally too close to several others”.
a) I have NEVER slept with another woman, nor anything remotely close.
(ONE woman is QUITE Enough, thank you)
b) I work with women as well as men and I am friendly, but NOT flirtatious.
I have never “gone out” with another woman, nor ever gone on a business lunch alone with another woman.
My Questions:
- Is the only time Adultery comes up in court is to do with Alimony ?
- What does a judge consider “evidence” ?
- Is my wife’s accusations enough “evidence” ?
- Would my child’s testimony along with my wife’s be enough “proof” for the judge ?
My daughter is old enough a lawyer told me to testify in court.
She is a great kid, however my wife controls her to the point that if my wife lied to her and manipulated her enough,
I believe my duaghter would say ANYTHING my wife told her to say.
Thank you.
1, 2 & 3 Adultery would need to be proven by showing the inclination and opportunity. Meaning that she must have photos of a car in a driveway overnight, a hotel receipt, eyewitness, e-mails, text messages, admission…things of that nature. Her accusations are not enough to prove adultery. NC is no fault state so adultery only affects alimony or the right to file claim for alimony. Even if you had been with another woman since you were married, if your wife knew about this previously and did nothing, continued to live as husband and wife then she essentially condoned the affair and there’s nothing that could be done anyway. Being emotionally close to someone or an “emotional affair” is not recognized in NC for any legal purpose. Her accusations are an attempt to scare you…
4. A child will NEVER be asked in court to testify about a parent’s adultery. Children are rarely allowed into court even during custody cases and even then will not be questioned in open court. Your child may be old enough that the judge would want to speak to her about the custody. But that means that she would be asked who is the primary caregiver, who is the disciplinarian in the home…things of that nature.
It sounds as though she is trying to intimidate you into believing that going to court for alimony is not beneficial to you. If she has made more money than you then you could file for alimony. It sounds like she’s trying to manipulate you into paying for everything and giving her everything she wants in the divorce. You really need some confidence. When she says “I have evidence…” tell her that there’s no evidence. Since there’s no evidence to be found, she is lying to you. Ask her why she’s lying. Record these conversations if possible so that you can dispute any testimony.
You should file for custody due to your stbx alienating your children against you, (just my opinion).
Thank you so much for replying.
She stays at home, refusing to work.
I make all the money.
While that was acceptable when our children were young, it is not now.
We have talked for 5 yrs about her getting a job to help…she refuses.
She is going to file for alimony based on being the dependant spouse. Regardless of her ability to work, she has not so therefore has been dependant on you. This fact though may have some weight on the length or amount of support she receives. That could, in turn, have an affect on the amount of child support you must pay. If she is voluntarily unemployed then the courts can add minimum wage 40 hrs to her side of the equation for child support, especially if the children are school age. Very few dependant spouses get a “free ride” after separation and divorce. Very few circumstances allow them to even maintain the same lifestyle they had previously.
It sounds to me as though you need to take a offensive stance on this and file for custody. If you do not currently have a separation agreement, have one drawn up saying that you will pay $X amount for specified amount of time. After that time, the x should have found gainful employment. Offer to pay guideline amounts for child support in the agreement but when you run the calculator, add income for her for at least what she could be making. And do not settle for anything less than joint custody. Even if you end up with only visitations, you will still know you did everything in your power to fight for your children.
Keep this in mind: Absolutely nothing about her from this point on is your responsibility. She’s angry and fussing at you, hang up, leave the room, take a drive. Don’t argue. The outcome of the argument is not important. She’s upset that you didn’t do something or blaming you for the entire marriage going wrong, don’t respond. Even if it was your fault, you can’t change it now. She’s accusing you of never making her happy…that was never your job to start with and certainly is not your job now. She’s lying to your children or you about things…don’t defend yourself. The truth always comes out and everything always comes back around. Your ONLY job now is to take care of yourself and your children and protect your financial future. If she’s been the aggresive partner up til now, then she’s assuming you will always back down from her and will never stand up for yourself. She’s assuming that if she comes at you with enough drama and emotional outbursts you will give in to whatever she wants. But you no longer have to listen to her rant and rave, you no longer have to listen to her belittle you. Your children love you regardless and the way to show them that you are there for them is to do what you believe is right. Tell them that no matter what happens that you love them and will always be there for them. If they ask you questions about lies she has told, tell them that they do not need to worry about that. That is between you and their mother and you will work it out. They have school and other things in their life that they need to focus on. They can not fix your problems and have no need to even know about most of them.
Maybe some of the others have some input. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Adultery is only relevant (as between the parties) with respect to alimony, or a divorce from bed and board. ( this is an action whereby one spouse can attempt to have the other spouse physically removed from the home for martial fault).
To prove adultery your wife must prove you had the inclination (romantic interest) and opportunity to have sex with this “other woman”.
I seriously doubt any judge will hear testimony from a child regarding alleged adultery. The potential damage to the child alone would be enough to exclude such testimony. Also the risk of coaching, as you have alluded to, is common and judges know that this type of repulsive behavior happens.