Bitterness on the forums

North Carolina Divorce Law Divorce and Separation Answers
1

I’d like to add another reminder to this post about children.
Remember if you have children involved in your separation or divorce that they ARE children. They do not need to know all the details. They do not need to hear you say nasty things or use them to hurt the other parent. This almost always comes back around to you.

When these events happen, children blame themselves, children are scared that the parent that didn’t leave is going to, children believe that they can do something to “fix” this, and even though it may not have been a happy situation they want mom and dad to be together. All they have ever known is what your situation was prior to this event. This is what they are used to and this is what is comfortable and they do not see yet that you may be a “better” person without their mother/father in your life.

You may be upset, sad, scared, humiliated, and angry about your situation but you are an adult and most of us have dealt with those emotions before. Children do not understand. They may be feeling any of these things also, but they do not know why and they do not know that it’s normal. Children need to have YOUR support to get through this. They also need the other parent, whether you like it or not. They should be encouraged to talk to either of you about what they feel in this situation and we should keep our own judgments and emotions out of it. If you can’t do that, get your children in to talk to someone who is not involved.

You may feel that you are the “better” parent and the other doesn’t know how to “take care” of the children if you aren’t around. If you are thinking this, remember that this person is their mother or father and there is nothing that is going to change that fact. If they haven’t normally taken care of the children, then this is their chance to learn how and to bond with them. If they didn’t harm the children when you were with them, there’s no reason to think they would just because you aren’t there. You should realize that your children love you as much as they love the other parent and quit being so insecure. They should not be forced to choose between you two.

They are not going to quit loving you just because someone new comes into their life as Mom’s new boyfriend or Dad’s new girlfriend, so they should not be subjected to your opinions about someone you probably do not know. Don’t be too quick to judge a situation that does not involve you. And don’t put the children in the middle by asking them to report everything back to you. This will only make you feel worse and the children may lose the trust of the other parent.

The last thing is that most children, not all, but most will learn that during this time they can play you and your STBX against each other. I do not believe that they do this with the intention of hurting anyone but I have seen it happen often. Especially if you and your STBX are not able to discuss anything without arguing. Keep an eye on their grades and behavior. If all they have to do is get you two arguing so then there’s no one to make them do their homework, you need to stop and rethink your priorities. You need to let them know that if this is what they are doing, that they will not gain anything by this.
You are their parents and it’s YOUR job to make sure that they get through this, are taken care of, and know they are loved.

2

AMEN…I agree whole-heartedly.

We are here for legal advise and yes…some personal advice / comfort. I also have been reading for a while–though not as long as Stepmother. I can tell by reading some posts that there are some angry and bitter folks here. And I can understand that.

However, we are here for support-not to offend or bring down or hurt feelings. I am sure we all have made mistakes and we all have been hurt for some reason or another or we wouldn’t be here.

We all need to remember that everyone has a different story and experience. Everyone has their own opinion or belief. Everyone reacts differently to the same situation. Everyone has feelings. Divorce is traumatic-even in an amicable situation. Your life is changed. While others lean on their faith, others curse it. Some lean on others, some retreat into their cave. We MUST respect everybody’s way of coping and offer support. If you can’t offer support, then keep your mouth shut. Sorry—I’ve just had enough of the ‘mudslinging’ from some posters. I feel those posteres should be ignored, and as hard as it is NOT to respond, we should not feed into them (though I did-oops).

3

Dear needinganswers, stepmother and all posters. First off I would like to say that I agree wholeheartedly w/ needinganswers and stepmother and their comments made here. Therefore, I would like to apologize for allowing myself to be drawn into one such discussion on the other forum. My intentions were honorable I assure you when I made my first comment, trying to lend support to someone that I knew was hurting.

4

Mislead: It is easy to fire back when you feel you’ve personally been offended or you feel someone was out of line and you want to defend. I did it too in defense of others. However, what we did was exactly what that poster wanted…we fed into his fire. Our best response was to continue to be supportive of the ORIGINAL poster and ignore the posts that are bitter and ugly. If they have a problem, then they can post their own thread and others can reply. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. I have, and I have tried to admit them, ask for forgiveness and move on.

5

I have also been guilty of “firing back” a reply that was probably not an appropriate response to the issues on the original post. I’ve felt badly about these replies later and wish that I hadn’t been so easily offended, or so amazed when someone else is being what I consider shortsighted or narrow-minded. So it’s not easy to keep from giving more than an informational reply to a question when I don’t agree with the circumstances. I try very hard to see things from the perspective of the one posting while at the same time try to point out things that may not have been considered. And I’ve always tried to make sure that I state that it’s my opinion.
With divorce, I believe that you have to keep the big picture and the end result in mind. You can’t change the facts. You were married, you had x # of years and/or children with this person. They are this child’s mother or father. You are no longer going to be married to this person. This is a good time to look at what you want your life to be when all is said and done. What do you want to take away from this experience? If you had the chance to stop someone else from making a mistake like you did or to tell someone else how much you gained from looking at your situation in a different light…that’s what this forum is for. The legal issues, those are easy to post answers to…it

6

I’ve been reading these forums now for almost two years and I just have to say that some people posting on here need a few reminders.

Remember when posting on these forums to be considerate of what other people may be going through. Your situation may be worse to you than the post you are reading but to them it may be the worst situation they have ever dealt with. Take into consideration that they are not posting every detail of every situation and it’s not our right to judge. They are on here for the same support that you are. It doesn’t help anyone for your bitterness over your personal situation to show through.

Remember when posting that these people are just like you though they may have a different problem or question. Everyone posting here is scared, confused, desperate, and sad. They may be losing a husband or wife, a marriage, a lifetime of commitments and children. They may be losing their source of income, all the security they have ever known or their entire family due to the reasons they are posting and it is NOT always their decision to separate or divorce. They do not need to be beaten up or belittled for their questions or their situations.

Remember when you post on the forums that only one time in the last two years have I seen a spouse post a response to something someone posted about them. These people are not your husband, your wife or your ex so try not to take what is posted so personally. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it doesn’t have to always be shared. Remember that an opinion or a belief is all that some of these people have left.
It’s easy to be bitter because your ex got a better deal in the divorce just like so and so posting on here, but they had a better attorney, just like your ex. It has nothing to do with the matters they are posting about. Relate your own situation for references or ideas, but please don’t make someone feel that they have no right posting about something that is important to them. Though you may disagree with their post, they are looking for answers and support the same way you are when you post.

Remember that you are someone’s ex too. Everyone has a different side to it and what would YOUR ex post about your same situation?
I have an ex and I am ex, so I know this.
Remember that all ex wives are money hungry, bitter, selfish, heartless, conniving psychos and all ex husbands are lying, cheating, selfish, cold, calculating jerks. Of course present company excluded from this generalization. [;)]

Try to be nicer to each other. We’re here to support you so you will support us in return.