Some Understanding


#1

Probably the ones who post on here are the ones who feel like they got screwed. I seriously doubt my ex would ever post on here. But I know who you are talking to. And, it should have nothing to do with who has the better attorney, etc. etc. Divorce should not be about winning and losing, but unfortunately, our “system” has made it that way. And Stepmother, you do seem to be the “keeper of the gate”. Perhaps you should go to law school. Then, you would know for sure how to get beat up in the Courtroom…simply trying to do the right thing.


#2
quote:
[i]Originally posted by lostinspace[/i] [br]Probably the ones who post on here are the ones who feel like they got screwed. I seriously doubt my ex would ever post on here. But I know who you are talking to. And, it should have nothing to do with who has the better attorney, etc. etc. Divorce should not be about winning and losing, but unfortunately, our "system" has made it that way. And Stepmother, you do seem to be the "keeper of the gate". Perhaps you should go to law school. Then, you would know for sure how to get beat up in the Courtroom........simply trying to do the right thing.

I’m very sorry for what you have gone through and that you believe no one on here cares about what you have gone through…but hoping that I will one day feel as you do seems to be a very bitter statement and if it was an attack; it was unecessary. Do you honestly believe that I have never felt humiliated, betrayed, devestated? Do you honestly believe that my world has not been turned upside down by someone? Do you believe that I don’t know what it’s like to not be able to breathe because of the pain of losing someone that I thought would be part of my life forever?

You’re right, divorce should have nothing to do with winning and losing. Our system has made it what it is because that’s how the people have used it. If everyone were fair in every divorce, there would be no reason to even take this stuff to court. Going to court to let someone else decide how you should sort out the ending to your marriage means that you put your future in someone else’s hands. You have no say in the outcome because it’s the law. The only one’s that win are the attorneys. They do not have to live with the end results of the divorce, the ED, or the custody issues. They get paid no matter the outcome. And they do NOT care. The only support you are likely to get is from sites like these where people have gone through similar situations
I have yet to read anyone post on here that their divorce was equal and fair. That they get along well with their ex and that their children have adjusted well. Those people don’t have any reason to post on this website. So you better believe that everyone on this site can take offense when you post for advice and then badger the person offering their support to you.
I am glad that you have found love again. I hope that it will be fullfilling for you and I hope that this new love never lets you down. You deserve to be happy and loved. Take care and God bless.


#3

Stepmother:

I do not believe I EVER said that I hoped you would feel as I do. Where did that come from? I would never wish for anyone to feel the way I do or for anyone to have experienced what I have! NEVER!

I know there are horror stories out there. I know because I lived through one and at times, did not want to live! If you knew my entire story, I would have more than your sympathy! I would have disbelief! That I was imagining it! That everything that happened to me just could not happen in the real world!

I am sorry for all of those who have suffered. Our system is not right! So, I will go away! Seems all I do is cause problems here just looking for justice! However, there is no justice in the world for everything that I’ve gone through. I cry every day, feel punished, feel robbed of my life and my rights…and all because the color of justice is green…and there’s nothing I, nor anyone else can do! This divorce cost me everything! 250,000 for NOTHING! And God only knows how much the judge walked away with! And it almost cost me my life!


#4

Maybe I read the comment wrong. “Then, you would know for sure how to get beat up in the Courtroom…simply trying to do the right thing.” If that is the case, then I apologize.

No one on these boards wants you to go away. We’re all trying to get you to see that, yes you got screwed. A lot of people do and you aren’t alone. It sounds, from your posts, that all you want to do is continue to blame and be bitter about what happened. That’s entirely up to you. You have every right to do that. But we’re trying to tell you that it will not get you anywhere.
The system is not perfect, by a long shot but being angry and bitter about it will not change it. Constantly shooting down everyone that attempts to lend support will soon find that there’s no one left willing to support them. There is no such thing as justice in family court. I believe that. But things do come back around but I believe that it’s not up to us to keep score on that. There are many ways that our ex’s have gotten around the system but it will come back to bite them in the ass one day. I’ve seen it happen.

My own story is one that would draw disbelief and shock most people. That is why I have said that what you are going through may be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, but to someone else, it may sound petty because their situation is worse. Your ex left you and took everything you had you have to start over. But did he beat you until you were almost dead before he left? Did he take your children away so that you had to go to court and spend thousands of dollars just to see them one time in four years? Did he give his new girlfriend your grandmother’s necklace that was to go to your daughter?

No one on this site is berating you for feeling the way that you do. You have every right to be angry and upset, confused and scared. The only thing that any of us is asking for is the same respect and consideration that we’re not just spouting off advice that we’ve read someplace. We’re telling you how we got through similar situations. Please hang in there. If you allow yourself, you can get through this. It does get easier after a while.


#5

Yes, you are right. It does get easier after a while, but it doesn’t make things right. Maybe my sense of fairness is my one major flaw unless you count “honesty” which my attorney told me would get me nowhere!

I am sorry for what you experienced. No. He didn’t physically beat me until I was almost dead. That would have been better than the emotional and financial hell he put me through. No. He didn’t give away a necklace that belonged to my grandmother. He just threw away my late father’s wedding band that my mother gave to me and was in a “joint” safety deposit box. No. He did allow me to see my children…under his own terms and under the watchful eye of the judge who took away my rights. And probably only because he didn’t want the children to begin with. Use them…for his control purposes.

One thing we seem to all agree upon is that the judicial system is not fair. Another thing that seems to be the consensus is that the one who suffered must forget about it and learn to cope with it. And I cannot wait for the day that it comes around and bites the ex in the ass. I’m still waiting, but that is little compensation for the years of hardship that I must endure. And for no reason whatsoever. That my entire life is ruined and I sit around and wait for him to get his comeuppance. Helluva way to live.


#6
quote:
[i]Originally posted by lostinspace[/i] [br] I am sorry for what you experienced. No. He didn't physically beat me until I was almost dead. That would have been better than the emotional and financial hell he put me through. No. He didn't give away a necklace that belonged to my grandmother. He just threw away my late father's wedding band that my mother gave to me and was in a "joint" safety deposit box. No. He did allow me to see my children.............under his own terms and under the watchful eye of the judge who took away my rights. And probably only because he didn't want the children to begin with. Use them.........for his control purposes.

Just to be clear…these were not my own experiences. But these are some things that I have read or have happened to people in my life. You’ve heard of those people that come home to an entirely empty house and don’t hear from their spouse until they get the divorce papers?..I have a close friend that happened to. While I’ve had my own personal tragedies, it does not compare to what some people on here have gone through and continue to go through. Then again, its worse than what some of these people post…
Try to keep an open mind about any advice you get and remember that we’re here to support you.


#7

I have been reading on this forum for several years now and have done a lot of research. I have found a lot of information on the logistics of divorce, custody, ED, not quite as much on alimony, but you understand…I thought a long time that I would go back to school for family law but my life has not worked out to accommodate that and I’m not certain that it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Quitting a job I’ve been at to do something completely new…

I have found that the more I read on here, the more the stories start to sound alike. The details are different, and sometimes I’m amazed at what people will do to someone that they once loved enough to marry and have children with. Almost every person on this forum has gone through the same things as you have. Some have had it a little better, some worse, but everyone has gone through all the emotional issues tied to ending a relationship. There are things that people on this forum will tell you not to bother arguing over simply because they have been there and know that in the grand scheme of things, that particular grievance does not matter.
All of us are emotionally tied to our own situation and when we read these forums all we have to pull from are our own experiences. If your husband abandoned you and your children; then you will see him in every father and husband posting on here about wanting out of his marriage. If your wife cheated on you and will not let you see your children; then you will see her in every wife and mother on here posting about not being happy with their life.
It does not mean that we don’t understand and even sympathize with how you feel, what you are going through or will go through, or that we don’t care. All it means is that those of us posting believe that we can help you in some way. Whether that’s to relate our own story, give emotional support or advice, or to simply show you that there may be another way to look at a situation.

Please try to keep in mind that we are here for each other. For some of us, this IS a support group. Please understand that, for the most part, the posters on here are not attacking you. They are scared, hurt, confused and angry just like you or have been there. They have children that are being dragged through ugly, unnecessary custody battle and learning things that children should never know about their parents. They have not slept, they can not eat, and they worry constantly if they are doing the right thing for themselves and their families. If they are trying to give constructive criticism of a post, please keep in mind that they are giving a little of themselves. If it comes across as abrupt or blunt, it’s only their own way of dealing with a situation that has affected us all so very much.

I’ve posted this before but it’s worth repeating. Here are a few reminders:

Remember when posting on these forums to be considerate of what other people may be going through. Your situation may be worse to you than the post you are reading but to them it may be the worst situation they have ever dealt with. Take into consideration that they are not posting every detail of every situation and it’s not our right to judge. They are on here for the same support that you are. It doesn’t help anyone for your bitterness over your personal situation to show through.

Remember when posting that these people are just like you though they may have a different problem or question. Everyone posting here is scared, confused, desperate, and sad. They may be losing a husband or wife, a marriage, a lifetime of commitments and children. They may be losing their source of income, all the security they have ever known or their entire family due to the reasons they are posting and it is NOT always their decision to separate or divorce. They do not need to be beaten up or belittled for their questions or their situations.

Remember when you post on the forums these people are not your husband, your wife or your ex so try not to take what is posted so personally. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it doesn’t have to always be shared. Remember that an opinion or a belief is all that some of these people have left.
It’s easy to be bitter because your ex got a better deal in the divorce just like so and so posting on here, but they had a better attorney, just like your ex. It has nothing to do with the matters they are posting about. Relate your own situation for references or ideas, but please don’t make someone feel that they have no right posting about something that is important to them. Though you may disagree with their post, they are looking for answers and support the same way you are when you post.

Remember that you are someone’s ex too. Everyone has a different side to their story. After all, what would YOUR ex post about your situation? I have an ex and I am ex.
Remember that all ex wives are money hungry, bitter, selfish, heartless, conniving psychos and all ex husbands are lying, cheating, selfish, cold, calculating jerks. Of course present company excluded from this generalization.

Try to be nicer to each other. We’re here to support you so you will support us in return.

I’d like to add another reminder to this post about children.
Remember if you have children involved in your separation or divorce that they ARE children. They do not need to know all the details. They do not need to hear you say nasty things or use them to hurt the other parent. This almost always comes back around to you.

When these events happen, children blame themselves, children are scared that the parent that didn’t leave is going to, children believe that they can do something to “fix” this, and even though it may not have been a happy situation they want mom and dad to be together. All they have ever known is what your situation was prior to this event. This is what they are used to and this is what is comfortable and they do not see yet that you may be a “better” person without their mother/father in your life.

You may be upset, sad, scared, humiliated, and angry about your situation but you are an adult and most of us have dealt with those emotions before. Children do not understand. They may be feeling any of these things also, but they do not know why and they do not know that it’s normal. Children need to have YOUR support to get through this. They also need the other parent, whether you like it or not. They should be encouraged to talk to either of you about what they feel in this situation and we should keep our own judgments and emotions out of it. If you can’t do that, get your children in to talk to someone who is not involved.

You may feel that you are the “better” parent and the other doesn’t know how to “take care” of the children if you aren’t around. If you are thinking this, remember that this person is their mother or father and there is nothing that is going to change that fact. If they haven’t normally taken care of the children, then this is their chance to learn how and to bond with them. If they didn’t harm the children when you were with them, there’s no reason to think they would just because you aren’t there. You should realize that your children love you as much as they love the other parent and quit being so insecure. They should not be forced to choose between you two.

They are not going to quit loving you just because someone new comes into their life as Mom’s new boyfriend or Dad’s new girlfriend, so they should not be subjected to your opinions about someone you probably do not know. Don’t be too quick to judge a situation that does not involve you. And don’t put the children in the middle by asking them to report everything back to you. This will only make you feel worse and the children may lose the trust of the other parent.

The last thing is that most children, not all, but most will learn that during this time they can play you and your STBX against each other. I do not believe that they do this with the intention of hurting anyone but I have seen it happen often. Especially if you and your STBX are not able to discuss anything without arguing. Keep an eye on their grades and behavior. If all they have to do is get you two arguing so then there’s no one to make them do their homework, you need to stop and rethink your priorities. You need to let them know that if this is what they are doing, that they will not gain anything by this.
You are their parents and it’s YOUR job to make sure that they get through this, are taken care of, and know they are loved.

If your ex is one of those that treated you terrible or has left you for someone else, keep in mind that everything does eventually come back around and it