Advice/vent/help

North Carolina Divorce Law Divorce and Separation Answers
1

While I am not in the same position you are in my husband has been with his ex and his two children who were 6 and 9 at the time. His ex left him for another man, and still expected him to pay her way as he had always done. She seemed not to realize that while she was out partying and dating, he was at home with their children and was processing paperwork to divorce her after a year. Their oldest son even accused her of only caring about how much money she could get from their dad, instead of about their marriage. Even the part about the attorney sounds familiar…
I also know the pain of having a third party involved in your relationship. [:(]
Please change the locks on your home. If she is staying somewhere else then you are separated and she has no rights to come to the home unless you give her permission. She has no right to take anything from the home unless you give her permission.
Please protect yourself. Get a recorder for your phone, try to put it where the children will not see it and start recording ALL phone conversations with her, even if you never need it. It is legal to record conversations in NC as long as one person (you) in the conversation has knowledge that they are being recorded. Contact the bank where the children’s accounts are and find out what you need to do to put them in your name alone.
You have equal rights to physical time with the children until custody is decided in court but keep detailed accounts of when she visits or calls the children, how often they stay with her out of the home and ANY other pertinent information. Keep all receipts of anything you pay for for the children and anything that is said or done. Keep accounts of things you do with the children, such as daily routines you mentioned. Take pictures of your home, the children’s rooms, neighborhood or community they live in, and their school. This will help the courts “see” what life with you is like.

Keep your anger in mind but do not let it run your life. The hurt will fade with time, but you will NEED that anger if you want to fight for your children. You may have to get really mean towards your STBX if you plan to show the courts that it is in the children’s best interest to be in your primary care and her to have visitations. Most women think they get custody automatically, but in some cases that is just not so. Especially, if she doesn’t realize that she is could lose her children and straighten up before court date. Have your attorney file for temporary primary physical custody and child support from her. When/if it goes to court it will look very good that you already have primary care of the children.

Keep your children foremost in your life until those feelings lessen some, and you can start to focus on other things. Do everything in your power to make sure that they know you love them and are there for them. You are not a fool! Not all women are this way. Try not to let the children see you angry or hear you talk badly about her because they will remember it. If you argue, try not to do so in front of the children. Remember that the children are going through the same loss you are but are not old enough to understand or deal with the emotions. Take care of yourself and your children first.
Hopefully, some of the men have opinions and suggestions on this also.

2

SingleFather,

Listen to stepmother. She knows what she is talking about.
DO NOT give her moeny for a lawyer! Her lawyer will have her
trump up false abuse charges against you!

Get evidence of the affair!

And, you have no idea how many of us men out here wish we were in your position! So many of us have been relegated to 4 day a month visitors in our childrens lives! So many of us have been pushed below the poverty line.

Also, get counceling if you can afford it. These are trying times and your children fear that they will also lose you. Make sure they all understand that Dad will never leave them!

Phil

www.f4j.us

F4J is a 501 C (3) non-profit , voluntary army of mothers, fathers, grandparents and others dedicated to fighting for truth, justice and equality in family law.

Phil

3

singlefather here again
thanks to the two people who responded, appreciate it
to those who have been reading, dont know what to think, either you are sad for me, sad for children, sad for wife, think how can this guy be any bigger of a loser, or whatever else, i dont know

i did change the locks the day i found out—it was all my fault, i was throwing her out on the street

i did freeze the childrens money five hours before she went to take it out–according to her i froze “HER” money and was throwing her out on the street–even though she never put one penny into their accounts, correction–when i caught her taking money out in the past she would eventually repay it, it just took me finding out about it and complaining for her to repay it-she hated me for that, but not enough not to do it

i sold my car that she was riding him around in–where is her half?

if she calls when kids are asleep, its my fault they cant speak to her, if we or I have something going on when she wants to see the kids its my fault or i am punishing her by not LETTING her see the kids–to bad she didnt think about that for the months she left them or chose to stay with BF instead of kids on saturdays, or when she would come home on sundays and sleep all day all night, ploop kids in front of TV while i was at work, and just sleep

she took alot of stuff out of the house to sell–but that was all hers, whats hers is hers, whats mine is 3/4 hers…in her mind she deserves kids, child support, alimony, and me taking care of all financial responsibilities–just like how it has been for all our life–except i am not there–he is

she left me but did not leave the kids–and its all my fault (even though me and the two kids were at the house when she left every night, but she didnt leave them

i bought me a new bed because when she got home all those days she was sleeping with him, she would lay down in our bed, i couldnt get over that–got new bed, then she wanted to take old bed to “their” house, i told her i was going to burn the bed before that happened

she and kim are going to get them a place to live, with a room for the kids, that bed could go for them…i didnt respond

when she sees or talks to kids, everything is wonderful and great, she tells them how much she loves them, that she didnt leave them, she wants them to be with her—but all those times kids cried for her to stay, when our daughter literally clinged to her to stay for just one night, that didnt mean enough for her not to go to boyfriends house every night, stay gone everyother weekend

I am told i am an abuser, i mentally, emotionally, physicvally abused her since we started dating. i told her how many women in an abusive relationship would leave the kids with the abuser, ask the abuser for money (and expect to get it and did get it), and ask the abuser to help her leave him (and get it)???

BUT EVERYTHING IS ALL MY FAULT.100% MY FAULT.I GOT MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL WOMAN, HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL KIDS TO JUST F IT ALL UP.TO DRIVE HER TO ANOTHER MAN, TO SEE MY KIDS IN PAIN, TO HAVE THEIR LIVES CHANGED FOREVER, TO HAVE A VOID IN THEIR LIFE AND MINE. EVERYTHING IS ALL MY FAULT, THATS ALL I HEAR FROM HER

(guess i am still in the anger stage-but who gives a damn about my feelings in this situation–nobody seems to and i really dont have the time because i work two jobs, take care of two kids, and still trying to work on masters degree–which i started two years ago to–believe it or not-benefit my family)

4

Of course it’s all your fault! I’ll tell you exactly what I told my husband when we started dating and this EXACT situation was going on with him. Keep in mind that this is directed at my husband’s situation when he with through this. You can change some of the minor details to fit your story:

You apologized for whatever you did to make her leave the marriage now MOVE ON WITH IT. You can’t go back and change it and you can’t, no matter how much you pay, how much you suffer, or how much you lose, you can never repay her for the mess you made of her life. She sees it as your fault there is NOTHING you can do to change how she sees this. You need to realize that YOU can not make her happy. That’s not your job! It never has been! Her job is to make herself happy with who she is and what her life is. If it’s not what she wants then it is HER responsibility to change it, not yours. That does not mean that she goes out and finds someone else to see if he can make her happy, and trust me on this, he won’t…it should mean that she needs to take a closer look at what she doesn’t like about herself and change it or deal with it. It does not mean leave your husband of 15 years, leave your children, throw away everything good in your life and then blame him because YOU decided you weren’t happy.
So of course it’s all your fault. If feel that you did everything in your power to make your marriage work, and she still left, then you need to forgive yourself for feeling like a failure now. She is NOT happy with herself and she is searching. When she doesn’t find what she is looking for it will be your fault too. It’s your fault that you aren’t getting back together because you’ve started seeing someone else, not because of HER infidelity… You’re going for custody of the children??? then they must be told that everything is your fault. She told the children that you won’t give her any money so she has to close her business and may end up on Welfare. She may end up living in her car?? How terribly sad…you gave her everything in the house and money, helped her move, paid her first months rent, rented a storage facility for her, paid of her car and carried her on your insurance policy so she could get her tubes tied and have sex with her boyfriend. That’s your fault too, btw, because you TOLD her that if she was having sex she may need to worry about birthcontrol, so the $5000 deducible she has to pay YOUR insurance should really come out of your pocket.
She will tell anyone who will listen that you didn’t pay enough attention to her and that she did everything she could and you still ignored her. She will tell people that you were cruel to her or that you mentally abused her. She will tell people that she just couldn’t take it anymore and finally has found someone who cares about her and will treat her right. Realize now that everything is your fault to her so that when she accuses you of something being your fault you won’t be shocked. It will then become a lot easier to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

That was my version of a mental shaking or kick in the butt [;)]
How many times during your marriage did you hear, if I had this I would be happy…maybe not in those exact words…
My husband during the last 5 years of his 15 year marriage, bought a boat that she only went out on once, bought a camper that she only went camping in 3 times and put in a pool at their house that she only swam in twice. They never celebrated his birthday but always had a big party for hers. She paid NO bills. He paid for everything they had. The money that she got under the table from working for her mother she spent on herself. She got a checking account in her name 3 months before she left him, she wanted to buy a car in her own name 6 months before she left him. She left him with the children 4 nights out of the week to go to bars with a single friend for the last 3 years they were married. He didn’t cheat on her, beat her, or have a drug or alcohol problem…he just didn’t pay enough attention. SO WHAT? Big deal…there are worse problems. I’m not saying that indifference is not a big deal, but it’s something that can be worked on so that you can salvage the marriage. It’s not a reason to give up on it.
If I were you, I would write up a separation agreement giving you primary physical and legal custody, put in that the items she took with her are hers and you have no legal claim to them and what she left is yours with her having no legal claim. Put in the papers what days she can visit with the children and try to be fair about it, sadly, they still need their mother. Get that recorder on your phone now. It’s not that expensive and could save you a lot later. Put into the papers that there will be no alimony since she committed adultery and therefore the courts will not award it. Get proof of that relationship (recorded confession on the phone will work). If there is still something that she wants from the house (the old bed) tell her that she will need to pay you for 1/2 of it or that she can have it and that is her share of the sale of the car. Every one of us at one time or another has felt like a fool in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that anyone else thinks that about you, except maybe the ex and the boyfriend.
What makes my husband’s ex the maddest is to ignore her outbursts and act like she doesn’t exist or that nothing bothers us. After a while, it really doesn’t matter…and she realized that when he agreed that it was his fault, it doesn’t give her the same feeling it did when he apologized or argued about it. Just say, “You’re right, it’s my fault, what do you want me to do about it? I can’t change it and I will not apologize any more.” If she asks for something unrealistic, laugh and HANG UP. You owe it to yourself and your children to take control again. You’ll be surprised and how much better you will feel once you realize that YOU have the upper hand now and that she doesn’t deserve the time you are taking out of your life to feel this bad about yourself. You owe it to your children to pull yourself up and make some aggressive moves for your future.
I’ll get off my soapbox now…[:I]Keep us posted

5
quote:
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br] Every one of us at one time or another has felt like a fool in a relationship. It doesn't mean that anyone else thinks that about you, except maybe the ex and the boyfriend.

What I meant to put in after this was: In the long run what the STBX or the boyfriend think doesn’t matter. The ONLY opinion you need to concern yourself with are those of your children. Everyone else will believe what they want or think what they choose and it’s not up to you to change their mind. They don’t live your life and won’t have to live with any decision you make.

6

Be aware that things can change drastically in the courtroom.
All it takes is for her to have a good bulldog lawyer and you to have a wimp. If, she gets a good one, they are going to try and do a character assasination on you by taking facts and twisting them around to your detriment. From what I have seen, judges make up their mind about people on their 1st court appearance. In court is where you want to keep your anger in check or they will classify you as an abusive person and once that is done, everything goes downhill from that point forward. I wish I had been on Prozac when I went to court! After being married for 14 years, I was set up for Domestic Violence charges 2 times in 1 week! I was so sonfused by her attacks on me that I did not even realize what she was up to! I never in my life knew what anger really was until I was thrown out of my 1 week old newly purchased home and lost my 2 sons. The lawyer I had was nothing more than a bean counter and when we went to the Temp Custody hearing, he attacked me knowing I was already angry from what she did to me and although my responses were calm and my anger was not showing, her lawyer spewed out so many lies that the judge labeled me as someone I have never been know to be in my life. It just makes you even more angry! I pray that things work out for you and your children. They deserve a better mother and someday they will realize what a self centered person she really is.

Phil

7

Don’t worry about her not having a lawyer. The courts will hand her one free of charge. All she has to do is play the victim card. You don’t realize how lucky you are to be in this position. Firts and foremost, you get to be a Father. Yes, it hurts when someone you love betrays you, but that heals in time. It truly does.
My wife cheated on me and lied for years, but I put up with it “…for the kids”. Your children recognize you as being their Dad, you were there for them when Mom was out running around, and they’ll always remember that, just as mine have.
Don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for her or start believing her now, it may come back to haunt you with a very severe price.
You need to quit feeling sorry about the situation you did not cause, concentrate on the kids, and make sure that you get custody. You are in a very enviable position, so be thankful. As far as healing your own heart, when the time is right , this too will happen. Just make sure you “trade up”!

8

singlefather here

thanks to everyone posting

had temporary child custody and child support hearing yesterday, i was granted those. wife and her wonderfully talented boyfriend are out of state–working–supposedly making more money in couple of weeks than i will make all year

she calls kids every night, it only bothers me because she tells them how much she misses and loves them, that she didnt leave them, and everything will be ok, she sounds so happy, it seems like that she calls them to make herslef feel better, not to make them feel better, it is all about her, alkways has

it really makes me upset when she uses the word “we” referring to her and him. we this and we that

anyway, kids are doing ok, they have full schedule with school–regualr and preschool, girl has her regular activities–dance and piano, but it seems like my time with them are cleaning, stopping there arguments, just regular parenting stuff–need to carve out some fun time with them

ordered son a book “Dinosaurs Divorce” and girl “Help, A girls guride to divorce” and ordered myslef and wife the book “Helping your children through Divorce, the Sandcastles Way”

i dont want my children to meet this guy she is with, i know how men are and he will play up som much to them, be so fun, so happy, and try to win them over to make himslef look so much better in wifes eyes. already coming from her he walks on water, is the best person–but its a bunch of BS. i also dont want my kids to be like so many others and see mom jumping around from man to man, i say that because in the past months all i heard from her is she wanting to be independent, self-supporting, on her own two feet, not interested or needing another man–all the time seeing another man and depending on me to pay for the household bills and give her money to go out and spend time with him. she has always been like that wants to portray herself as independent but not wanting to put in the sacrifice for it, wants to be independent and a modern woman, but wants it given to her–but dont say anything about giving it to her.

and yes i am still pretty upset about the whole thing, it just makes me mad knowing my family has changed forever, these kids lives have changed forever, that now wife is happy but noone else really is–but since she is happy then everybody needs/should be happy…im not happy at all

thanks for letting me vent, still dont feel better, guess i might need to get laid (where would i find the time!!) and must admit had hard enough time meeting women in high school and college when i was free, no responsibilites, and had hair

9

I’m sorry you are so hurt. It will eventually get better and if your children don’t see the truth now, they will eventually. Focus on them and your time with them, not on your anger and bitterness.

10

Sorry that you are going through such a rough time[:(]…I was on the other end too…my ex left unexpectedly cause he wanted his freedom…not for another woman (so he said) Well we now know different…anyway…TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF!!! Time will heal the wounds…at least the kids are being taken care of by a loving parent…You did the right thing by protecting the kids accts…Take TIME for YOURSELF too…Internet dating seems to be the way for single parents to meet others with similar interests…just be careful…there are some WHACKOS out there…Especially since you have kids…>BE CAREFUL!!! I hope you the best.

11

will try to make this short

wife been having affair for six-seven moths–just found completely out before christmas
she would leave me and kids, ages 4 and 7, every night–every night
was telling me she was staying with girlfriend–to see if she could love me again, give us another chance
told me there was no other man involved, she didnt want antoher man, just wanted to move out, take kids, and take money
spent over $8000 in those six-seven month period

i have kids, again she would leave everynight to be with him, would come back in morning for me to leave to go to work by 6am

she is not working now, hasnt been for two months–living with boyfriend and his father/brother, whomever else over there

i have filed paperwork for divorce with my lawyer, she has not responded to anythning, she has no lawyer, no money to get one, even said weeks ago that i should give her $3000 to get her a lawyer

past month, has wanted to talk to kids more on phone and see them when i am at work, but basically she wants to pack up stuff, take things out of house, kids are secondary in my opinion, she just wants to feel better about herself

i would not change positions with her for all them money in the world and all the women, all the “love” or my “soulmate”

would much rather get kids up for school, take 4 year old to daycare, work, come home, fix supper, baths–fight with four year old to take a bath and then fight him to get hi out of bath, put them to bed, console them—the kids have been the only reason i have made it throught and can make it through today

just very alone, mad and sad that marriage is broken up, and yes a little jealous that she has someone, mad that our marriage did not keep her from falling in love with someone else, mad that she doesnt consider herslef abandoning the kids, even when they would cry for her to stay and she still left, ir when 7 year old would wake up and ask me “where mom” and i couldnt answer
afraid that she will get kids and take them somewhere, in my opinion they are the only things she really has–no job, no savings, has cut her own family off

she tried to get the kids money a couple of weeks agao, wife name oin daughter savings account only–had $27 inthere, both kids have savings account, money market, and CD’s total of about $15000

any advice? are ther any other men out there in this position? it seems like the traditonal sex roles have been reversed. if i was a woman, society and the law would be on my side, i dont think i would have to worry about losing the kids, but i am a man (the biggest fool in NC for 2006-2007)and feel like i am classified with other men who have done like my wife has done