Custody and Adultery

Also, one more thing, how will I go about filing for custody and/or divorce? We have been living apart for almost 4 months, and I am under the understanding that I have to have a lawyer draw up paper work for custody. I do not have the money for a lawyer to do this. Any help with this issue would be greatly appreciated as well as for the other issue I posted.

First of all, if you are separated from your husband, it is legal to date. If you were separated then you are not having an affair. Legally, you are still married which means that having sex with someone other than your husband is illegal. I’m not sure what affect cohabitation can have on this but it does not normally affect custody…

Second, your husband has no right to keep you from seeing your children unless custody has been agreed on or court ordered. Until that time both parents have equal custody. Joint custody is the best situation for the children and it really makes no difference to the court if your stbx doesn’t want the children around a boyfriend. And it makes no difference if you don’t want the children around someone your stbx begins dating. You may remind him that this can go both ways…Unless that person is in some way threatening or malicious towards the children then there is no reason they can not be around. If your huband is looking for primary custody then he should file, otherwise, you have an equal right to see your children without his supervision and it makes no difference who you have them around.

Lastly, you do not need to file a separation agreement in any county. Your one year one day requirement for divorce begins then day that you begin living separate and apart. After the one year one day requirement, you can file for divorce and generally 30-45 days later it is granted. It would be in your best interest to get a separation agreement drawn up that includes custody, child support and equitable distribution. You can write it up yourself and include the schedule that the children are with each of you. I suggest including alternating holidays and what you both would like to happen if the children are taken on vacation by one of you. Also, include who carries insurance and pays for any child care, medical and dental expenses. I know you planned to pay when the children are with you and have him pay when they are with him, but trust me, these things come up and can be an arguement. Have your stbx sign it and have it notorized. This is a binding agreement between you and usually settles all the issues so that you do not end up in court. It does not mean that you may not end up in court anyway…but with this then most of the time all your bases are covered. There are Do-it-yourself Divorce kits at some of the office supply places. If things get really ugly you can get a recorder for your telephone that will record your conversations without the other person being aware. In NC that is legal as long as one person in the conversation knows it is being recorded and this can be used in court.
Hope this helps.

If no custody order is in effecr, you both have 100% custody. He cannot keep the kids from you. You have every right to be with your kids. Adultry has no bearing on custody. Custody can only be revoked if the child(ren) are in danger or neglected. You have just as many rights to the kids as he does. The one thing adultry would have a bearing on would be alimony. Good Luck

Custody is determined based on the best interests of your children. Your custody will not be affected because you have committed adultery. If the person you are living with is capable of being a stable and positive influence on your child then the court will probably not view this as a negative against you. The specific custodial schedule will depend on each parent’s prior involvement with the child, their ability to care for the child, their work schedules, etc. If you are unhappy with the current situation you need to do something to change it as soon as possible, the longer you allow the present situation to continue the more detrimental it will be to any chance you have to pursue custody in the future.

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax


The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.

Yes she is a law breaker and has committed a crime but what legal system will put her to jail/ or more? There is none so she can do what she wants and get away with it there will be no court to put her away or convict her and we all knows this but what can we about this nothing.
As far as the children looks like she left them and HE has the martial home not her SHE is the one who walked out this is something to look at!!! She is the one has put the children in the back and the boyfriend is the front I hope I am wrong but from I read but I do not think so. If she did have an affair what kind of mother is she??? If you read what she writes it looks like its about money.
So to say this if she cheated she is a lair and once a cheat asways a cheat
Good luck

ARTHURP - An affair has nothing to do with the children or what type of parent you are, have been or could be. The children should not be made to suffer by not getting to see one parent or the other because they choose not to be with their spouse any longer. The post was for opinions and legal advice about her situation and it does not do any good to blast her for a situation that we do not know all the facts of. Do you think that because you tell her she’s a cheat and liar that she will “learn her lesson”. To me that’s being very closed minded and assuming. To do this you must assume that you know WHY she left her husband, and why she chose at that time to leave the children with him. In reality, it makes no difference why she did what she did because NC is a “NO FAULT” state. Her stbx has no legal standing to keep the children away from her regardless of whether she left them with him when she moved or regardless of who the children will be around when they are with her. That’s what divorce is all about. You no longer control, if you ever did, who your spouse is around, what they do, where they live, or who they sleep with. You no longer have the right to know what that person does while the children are with them unless it puts the children in danger. Being realistic, if there’s no history of abuse, there’s no reason to think that just because you are not there to take care of the child(ren) the other parent is going to start abusing or neglecting them.
Please keep in mind that people are on this site as you are to get support, ideas, and advice.

I have also had an affair but I am not leaving my husband for him. I am leaving my husband for myself to have the affair means there was a reason you didnt want to be there originally. but I was unable to walk out of my house without my daughter. Im currently waiting to get a temporary custody agreement. Me having interest in another man doese not mean I am a bad mother.

Thank you very much stepmother, for standing up for me. In fact, I did not leave without my children, they were visiting with their father when he chose to keep them away from me and not let me see them. We had a verbal agreement until we could get to a lawyer and have paperwork drawn up for our agreement that he would have them one week and I would have them the next. We were going to alternate weeks. He called me up one day to tell me that I would not be getting the kids back as long as I was living with my boyfriend. Unfortunately, he does not see him as a good person, when infact he is an amazing man. The reason I left my husband has no concern in the case of my children. I belive that they need both the support and love of both parents, and I have done notheing to keep them from him, even though he has given me alot of reasons for why I should. But, with that said, I know that me keeping them from him would not be good for the children, and I would only be doing it for my own selfish reasons. I do not want my feelings to interfere with the relationship between the kids and him. Also, If you read correctly AUTHURP, I mentioned that while the kids were in my care I would be responsible for them financialy. And, in court, I would not be asking for child support. So, no, it is not about money for me. I do not want his money.

Also, I was separated from my husband before I met my boyfriend. When we met, I was already in the separation process, so I also did not leave my husband for another man. I left for my own reason, and met my boyfriend afterwards.


[i]Originally posted by Brandy26[/i] [br]Also, I was separated from my husband before I met my boyfriend. When we met, I was already in the separation process, so I also did not leave my husband for another man. I left for my own reason, and met my boyfriend afterwards.


This being the case, you really have no cause to worry. You should consult an attorney and file for custody. If you can show that you had a verbal agreement that only ended due to a new emotional interest in your life, and that person is a stable and positive influence on the children as Helena stated, then the courts could allow the verbal agreement to stand. The agreement you had is really the best solution for the children and as I said, the stbx will eventually start to date also and I’m sure that he will not want you to cause these same problems when that happens…

stepmother-I know what you are saying and I feel what you saying it is very hard to judge people. But think this and know this a cheat will always lie they have no choice read a learn from other areas I have and it hurts becuase I have been through this. Have you?
I do not judge people I look and learn of what they do in life what she did is wrong and you know this does matter what we think its wrong. If she says what shes says that she was sep from him hey ok no problem but it is still a crime in NC.
And to add what you said about the children I think you are wrong the children do/will know what happened in the long run, my children do know and I hate that they know, but she had to show off in front of my chidren. My children have been through so much and it hurts me so much but I let it go and the 3 of us talk not bad about her never.
But I have to say this no spouse should have to deal with the heart breaking news that they have been cheated on it hurts not the family but the one who did the this and will last a life time.
Brandy26-I hope you keep what you write that you do not want CS this will be a first for me and I hope you mean what you say been there done that I have the tee shirt to show just like my EX did all talk and nothing until put in writing. Am I bitter? am I hurt? do I trust? Yes to 2 and no to 3 I will not beleive unless it is in writing. Sorry for this I hope you are what you say becuase the world is full of garbage and we do not need more if you are what you say I am so sorry and I hope the best for you and your new life becuase life is to short to live not happy and I hope you the best for you your children and the new man in your life and I wish the best for all and I hope one day I will find the one for me and my children just like you did.
Good luck and God bless

I did not say that the children/family wouldn’t know about an affair, I simply said that it has nothing to do with the children. Do the feelings you have for your wife impact the feelings you have for your children? Since you love your wife, are you a better father? My stepsons know what happened essentially when their mother left also, becasue she let them read the court papers. But just because she had a boyfriend at the time did not mean that she wasn’t still their mother and deserve to see them and care for them as she always had.
Yes, my ex cheated on me for almost the entire 11 years I was with him. Yes, I believe that he will never change and that he will always cheat if he can. But it doesn’t affect me or my life any longer though. The day that I moved out it ceased to affect me. Yes it still hurt and I am still bitter at times, but it became none of my business the day he and I split up. The best thing I did for myself afterwards was to have a 6 month fling with a guy I had known from work. It boosted my self esteem and made me feel human again. It let me know that I wasn’t an ugly toad that no one wanted to be with.
I personally believe that the law on sex with someone other than your spouse AFTER SEPARATION is an antiquated law and should be abolished. I do not approve of cheating but these people who post about cheating are NOT cheating on me…
If she met someone and fell in love after her separation then YAY for her. It doesn’t often happen that quickly. My husband’s wife left him and he and I met a little over a month later. She was on her 3rd boyfriend by then but she was still angry at him. The bottom line is that she didn’t want him at the time but she wanted him waiting on the sidelines in case things with her boyfriend didn’t work and she was angry when he moved on.
It’s not always your choice to separate and divorce, but it is your choice whether you move on with your life or continue to beat yourself up for months or years for a relationship that went wrong. Even if the fault is only 1/2 yours it does no one any good to hang on to that anger and resentment. At a certain point you have to move on or risk being miserable for the rest of your life…your ex probably has. Your ex probably doesn’t have trouble sleeping…you are wasting your time and energy holding on to this. Good luck to you also…

Well put stepmother. I would like to add that I have become concerned over the very angry comments. They have become incrasingly hard to read. It us not okay to call people “garbage” or “POS”. The posts have become more and more venemous, not to mention taking aim at people who aren’t the exwife, but resemble her in some way. I would suggest this poster seek some professional help in learning to deal with his anger. I am not saying the poster shouldn’t be angry. Like I tell my kids…“It’s okay to be angry, it’s what you do when you’re angry that’s not okay”

I must agree to call people names is not right and to tell you the truth it is a waste of time energy like you said its time to move and let it go. I think what makes me upset the most is not my ex and what she did but how small this world really is and the fact that this kind of sadness gos on, I would never think that this happens on a day to day basis. I thought it only was in soap operas on tv but if watch them (which I do not) but it looks this is a day to day thing and what a shame that it does I guess there is a reason for what and why this happens maybe one day we all will find out like myself.
I know this in my heart that I am glad that this happened to me in the long run it was one the best things that has happened to me I look at life in a different picture not just black and white but in all colors and shapes and sizes.
If I had hurt anyone from what I wrote I am very sorry was not my intent to ever do this please forgive me for what has happened.
Thank you

I was caught having an affair by my husband. We were separated at the time and still are. I am still with the guy who I had the affair with. I am under the understanding that in the County of Pasquotank, you do not need to file separation, only be living in separate residences which my husband and I are doing now. I am living with my boyfriend and we have signed a lease together. He is a great guy, works hard, has full custody of his two year old, and has completed a state certified parenting course. My husband has denied me from seeing my kids without his direct supervision. I tried to come to an agreement with him where he has the kids ever other week, and on the weeks he has hem he takes full financial responsibility of them and when I have them, the same stipulations for myself. He agreed and then reniged with the reason that he didn’t want my kids around my boyfriend. With that explained, my question is, will I have a chance of getting at least joint custody of my kids? I am not after any child support, I just want the same right I have given him to see my kids.