Seperation=dating


#1

If the guy is staying under the same roof as you and your children, then yes, he has circumstantial evidence to point to a violation of Criminal Conversation (CC) and possibly even Alienation of Affection, if you knew the guy prior to separation. (Basically, he can say that the guy encouraged and facilitated the turning of your emotions away from him the husband by providing the place to stay.)

Now, you are free to associate with whomever you choose. You can go out with friends and technically you can even date, provided there’s no sex involved or appearance of sex.

Sounds like your ex has major issues. What you do now is NONE of his business, except where it might compromise the health and welfare of his children. The jealousy and control he’s displaying tells me that he will look for any excuse to be able to use the law to punish or manipulate you and/or those around you. Be careful. You may go out with friends and have fun, but given his behavior, avoid any appearance of impropriety whatsoever.


#2

There is no sex involved with anyone. I will remain that way until I know for a fact that the next person I am with will forever be there for me.

But, why is is okay for him to do whatever? We both live in different states. He knows what I do and when I do it because we have so many people here who know us. Back in his home town, all he has is family and friends. Why is it that I have to watch my back but not him? I just don’t understand it.

I don’t get any money from him at all but for child support. How can he go after someone when we are almost divorced? I can’t go after him for being with females because it is a he said, she said thing. I am not in his state. Wouldn’t it be the same as here?

I can’t even have friends female or male over without hearing his crap. I feel it is unfair. But my question wasn’t really answered. Would I lose custody of our child if I started dating?


#3

No, you wouldn’t lose custody unless you did something like leaving your kids unattended while you go out on dates on a regular basis. Then it’s not an issue of dating as much as it’s an issue of welfare of the kids.

As far as why he can sleep with others and you can’t and you have to be careful about dating…welcome to the State of NC where the Alienation of Affection laws and the Criminal Conversation laws are alive and well. Unless he lives in one of the 5-6 other states that have these laws, he has nothing to fear. If he does reside in a state with similar laws, then all you need is proof by some means (P.I., 3rd party testimonies, email admission, etc.) that he has committed an offense to that state’s laws, then you can go after him.

Yes, it’s not fair, and yes, it basically turns someone into someone else’s property. I’m sorry. I’d like to get these laws off the books or at least limit them to only events that occurred preseparation. (AA says that it’s only preseparation conduct, but post separation conduct can be used to substantiate preseparation claims.)


#4

It sounds to me as though you are still allowing your stbx to be involved. You said that you can’t have friends over without hearing his crap. My suggestion is that you quit allowing this. It’s YOUR business. It’s YOUR life. If he calls to speak (harrass) you about anything other than the children, hang up. Do you care SO much about what he thinks anymore? If you are renting a home for you and your child from a friend, as long as the friend is not male and living in the home with you, there’s not a thing your stbx can do.
It’s time you put your foot down. If you have friends that are running to him with information, then you need to confront them about their loyalty. If it doesn’t stop, then IMHO, you don’t need friends like that.
You are allowed to live your own life and as long as your children are taken care of, there’s nothing that the ex can do. Your current custody situation is setting a precidence for what can be in the future. If you currently have primary custody then more than likely you will retain it unless he can show why it would be in the child’s best interest to change it.
You can date any time since you are separated. You can go out and basically do whatever you want as long as you are over 21.
He can not go after another man, even if you were dating him unless there was a relationship prior to your separation that he could prove. Legally, he can file an expensive suit that is difficult to prove and end up right where he is now. If he physically goes after someone then assault, communication of threat, or even DVO charges could be filed.

The next time he sends a text message tell him it’s none of his business. Let him waste his time and effort finding out about your life. Or better yet, give him something to talk about and fume over. DON’T ANSWER them at all. Make him work for information. If you have a particular friend that you know will tell him something, then constantly mention things like, “I may go out tonight” or “I think it’s time to start dating”. Then let him scramble to find out who you are with or where you are…let him waste his time and energy and you quit worrying so much.
Save the text messages for future reference. Have the provider send you a copy of them.
As long as your child is taken care of and you are not doing anything illegal, there is nothing that he can do because you have moved on with your life. Take care of your child and yourself. And please, take back control of your life.


#5

Right on, stepmother! I neglected that part in my answer. It is NOT ANY OF HIS DAMMED BUSINESS WHAT YOU DO. I agree with stepmother 100%, do not inform him of any thing, refuse to discuss your private life with him, and refuse to respond to any accusations or discussion of your private life. Take back your self. Find out who you are post-separation and make yourself happy.

However, until the divorce is final cover your a$$ anyway you can. It was a marriage, now it’s business.


#6

As long the people you are dating are safe and suitable to be around your children then it should not have any impact on custody. You should be cautious about introducing these people to your children and take it slow. I am sorry that your ex is keeping such tabs on you, hopefully in time it will stop. If his behavior ever makes you feel unsafe you can seek a protective order.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com for details

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The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#7

Thank You so much for the advice. I was like ‘WOW’.

I want to date a really good friend. My children have actually known him longer than me.(2 1/2 yrs to be axact) They are the one’s who keeps telling us to go on a date. He is well respected, great job, has never done drugs, matter of fact, he was a sunday school teacher for his chruch back home. My STXB is highly jealous of him.(Don’t know why because we are friends) He had made comments to his family about this person. Telling them that him and I, will end up being together. (No, Never have been with this person before) We just started hanging out about 4 months after seperation. He would help my son with things around the house. Mow the yard. All the things I use to have to do all by myself even when I was with the STBX.

This person bought a house but right now can’t afford to be in it on his own. So he has it up for rent. I want to rent it because it has room for horse’s, don’t need landlord harrassments for being single parent and not married to a military person. I want a safe, and secure place for the children and i.

The ‘friend’ and only a friend, is scard that my STBX will come after him. We have not done nothing. Gosh he won’t even take me out on a date til i am divorced. That is why i came on here to ask questions. When i do go out, which has only been 4 times since the seperation and it is a group date. I was getting harrassed by him. I just feel it is time i actually go out on a date and start a new life.

I did tell the STBX that i am tierd of him getting on with his life and i have to stay home and not with mine. That it is time for me to start dating and having me time every once in awhile. He wasn’t to happy about that. I think it is something about the 1 year waiting period of being apart and seeing if the divorce is what we want. I filed so yes, I want the divorce.

I don’t leave my children home alone for long periods of time.(well not the little one’s at all) I have teenagers and if they want to stay home they stay home. (not his children). I always take the younger ones with me everywhere i go. When i go out, (thats when i do go out) I have three sitters. All of North Carolina law sitters. First aid certified. 16 yr old, 15 yr old, 14 yr old. Gosh they are better at taking care of the children than him or some ppl around…lol

Nothing that I would like to happen has happened before our seperation or at the beginning or middle of it. We are almost done and I think 9 months is long enough. A mother of alot of children should be able to have mommy time, right? Social Services even told me to get out and take a breathe. (long story about them, but had nothing to do with me it was on STBX). Anyhow she told me to get out because i was with the children all day, all week, and she even went out two a month. No, I am lucky to even get 1 night out every two or three months…lol

But, I am just scard. He didn’t want us. He abandoned us. I filed for the seperation for divorce. Now i get controlled and just want to know the laws. I want to make sure that since i live in this pain in the neck state, that i won’t lose my son. He is 2 yrs old and he is close with his siblin’s. He has 5 before him and 1 after him. My children are close to eachother.

Again, thank you so much for all your kind words and advice. I just don’t like the laws here and reading them is very confusing. I don’t know what is right or wrong. I would read one thing that says, ‘yes’ but anothing that says, ‘no’ that this or that will happen. I am just a confused mother. No, not confused in taking care of the children for I Love them dearly and am a d@mn good mother. They come first before me or anyone else!


#8

P.S.

ATHOS:

You posted this-(In this state, until you have a divorce judgement, your sexual rights are owned by your spouse…period.) in another thread. How is this so? If this is the case, then i still own him, right? How can I find out the other 5-6 states that are like NC?


#9

Basically, the whole principle of the law on Criminal Conversation is that it protects the “fundamental right of exclusive sexual intercourse between spouses”. What this means is until the divorce judgement is final, you have the right to be the only person he has sex with and vice versa. Unfortunately for you, this right only extends to the physical and telecommunication boundaries of the State of NC or those few states which have similar laws.

As far as what other states have this law: Hawaii, Illinois, Utah, South Dakota, New Hampshire, New Mexico, and Mississippi.

I find it odd that in a state where there are laws against marital rape, laws protecting the freedom of women to choose whether or not to have birth control without being subject to their husband’s will, and of course, the right of abortion, that this archaic law still exists. There is no “fundamental right of exclusive sexual intercourse between spouses” mentioned anywhere in the State or US Constitution, however there is a right of free association (1st amendment).

I can make more arguments for the abolishment of this law, centering on other constitional rights and the way this law turns people into property, but I’ll spare you the soapbox.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by young_fool[/i] [br]P.S.

ATHOS:

You posted this-(In this state, until you have a divorce judgement, your sexual rights are owned by your spouse…period.) in another thread. How is this so? If this is the case, then i still own him, right? How can I find out the other 5-6 states that are like NC?



#10

Basically, the whole principle of the law on Criminal Conversation is that it protects the “fundamental right of exclusive sexual intercourse between spouses”. What this means is until the divorce judgement is final, he has the right to be the only person you have sex with and vice versa. Unfortunately for you, this right only extends to the physical and telecommunication boundaries of the State of NC or those few states which have similar laws.

As far as what other states have this law: Hawaii, Illinois, Utah, South Dakota, New Hampshire, New Mexico, and Mississippi.

I find it odd that in a state where there are laws against marital rape, laws protecting the freedom of women to choose whether or not to have birth control without being subject to their husband’s will, and of course, the right of abortion, that this archaic law still exists. There is no “fundamental right of exclusive sexual intercourse between spouses” mentioned anywhere in the State or US Constitution, however there is a right of free association (1st amendment).

I can make more arguments for the abolishment of this law, centering on other constitional rights and the way this law turns people into property, but I’ll spare you the soapbox.

…and for what’s it’s worth, I understand completely what you are going through. Elements of your case are very similar to my situation, except in this case, I’m the third party. Friends before the separation, didn’t start dating until after SHE asked for the divorce (and no, there was no ‘emotional affair’ prior to the date of separation) and I’ve had to deal with being threatened on a regular basis with prosecution. If your STBX is as controlling as he appears to be, then, yes, your friend has good reason to fear retaliation.

Having said that, I think you can safely rent a house from this guy, provided he’s not living under the same roof and never spends the night. Your STBX would have a hard time using that as ‘evidence’ against you.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by young_fool[/i] [br]P.S.

ATHOS:

You posted this-(In this state, until you have a divorce judgement, your sexual rights are owned by your spouse…period.) in another thread. How is this so? If this is the case, then i still own him, right? How can I find out the other 5-6 states that are like NC?


[/quote]

#11

Until you are divorced, any “relationship” may be considered “adultery”. Technically, until the ink is dry on the divorce papers, you are still married! THINK about that!

However, even though the law in NC is against adultery, how many people go to jail for it? NONE! How many lose their children for it? NONE. But…there is a different standard for WOMEN! YOU need to consider what you could LOSE! Are you the dependent spouse? Is you ex a prominent person with $$$? I’d cool it if I were you.


#12

Athos:

Yes, the states you provided is the state he is in…TY. Well I have never heard of anyone going to jail for dating someone. Well unless they were under age. Not in my situation thou, legal all the way…lol Thank you for the info again. If I have anymore questions i will come again to this thread. Also good luck. Sorry to hear you are getting the bad stick as well.


#13

Lostinspace:

However, even though the law in NC is against adultery, how many people go to jail for it? NONE! How many lose their children for it? NONE. But…there is a different standard for WOMEN! YOU need to consider what you could LOSE! Are you the dependent spouse? Is you ex a prominent person with $$$? I’d cool it if I were you.

Your answer to your questions. As far as I know, no one has been to jail. I haven’t heard of a mother losing their child/children, but i have heard of the men lieing bigtime to try. I don’t have anything to lose, but for my child. What I have is all for the children. I don’t make alot of money and he was the one who make the most money. But he is on unemployment and lazy to not find a job. I really don’t know your last saying. You tell me to cool it. WTH do I need to cool it for? What have I done wrong? Now I am the one lostinspace.

I have been staying home with my children and only doing things with my children. He is the one who has taken the road that intels no responabilities. I have 7 responabilities and do a d@mn good job at it. They (children) will and far most come first in my life.


#14

Young fool…lostinspace is coming from a place where she was cheated on, so keep that in mind when you read her responses. In the last paragraph, I think that she was trying to say be careful and be cognizant of your behavior and how it could possibly be used against you by someone vindictive.

IMHO…and this isn’t directed at you, young fool, but just a general statement of my beliefs…stepmother said this much better than me a long time ago…always keep in mind that others have different situations than you and their responses are colored with their individual experiences. I’ll also add that others have different value systems, ethics, and morals than you. If you want them to respect your thoughts, you need to respect theirs. Many people believe that by the time they have reached the point of separation, they’ve worked hard and done everything possible to prevent their marriage from falling apart. IBy the point the words “let’s get a divorce” are uttered, there is absolutely no intent to get back together (been there done that already). It’s not a whim or some strange form of Tourettes. At that point, they are ready to move on. If they lived in a different state, they’d be able to, but there is a waiting period in this state.

The law says that you are married until your judgement is final, but in practice many marriages are over long before separation is reached, and in a way some marriages are over even though the partners stay together for one reason or another and for others, their private commitment to be together is present despite the absence of any marriage bond. For every circumstance, there’s an infinite combination of relationship possibilites and beliefs.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by young_fool[/i]

Your answer to your questions. As far as I know, no one has been to jail. I haven’t heard of a mother losing their child/children, but i have heard of the men lieing bigtime to try. I don’t have anything to lose, but for my child. What I have is all for the children. I don’t make alot of money and he was the one who make the most money. But he is on unemployment and lazy to not find a job. I really don’t know your last saying. You tell me to cool it. WTH do I need to cool it for? What have I done wrong? Now I am the one lostinspace.

I have been staying home with my children and only doing things with my children. He is the one who has taken the road that intels no responabilities. I have 7 responabilities and do a d@mn good job at it. They (children) will and far most come first in my life.



#15

Thank you. I am sorry she went through that for i did too. To many times in my life. I know we are still married, but I guess in his heart and mind we are not. This has just been a long haul. Being a single parent, which is great. I just need a mommy few hours every now and then too.

I really wished I had the words to write what I am going to try and say. Maybe NC one yr law is to make sure everyone has their heart and mind cleared of everything they had to go through in the marriage. Maybe it is to prepare them for the next relationship they are about to get into. Maybe it is to help settle them down and really take a long hard look at life. Fix everything that has been bad and make it become better.

I have so much to give. I just want to make sure the next person has it as well. Being best of friends and knowing all the in’s and out’s of that one person can really make a relationship work. Being friends with one is alot easier than just jumping into a relationship. I can wait til the final divorce.

Anyhow, The STBX all of a sudden disappeared. Family can’t get ahold of him and neighter can i. He runs off far away from where he moved too. It scares me to death to wonder if I am going to be able to get ahold of my child/children when he has them. His gram is upset because she can’t even get ahold of him. What if something happened to one of the children. I so wish I was a little fly so I can fly and watch everything he is doing behind close doors and why he can’t be honest and just let everyone know that he IS with someone. He has to harrasse me but yet be a hypocrite and do it. I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but I still think it is unfair for him to go off and hide and ignore family and friends and hide what he is doing.
It really scares me.

Thank you again for explaining things to me. Keep everyone UTD.


#16

My STBX and I have been seperated 9 months. He lives in a different state. I want to get on with my life but, we have so many friends in this town that run back to him on what i am doing. It could be at my children’s rodeo’s, out with a girl friend playing pool, walmart, or even to the stupid fast food joint.

He is off in his home state doing everything. From dating, sleeping over at ppl house’s, partying, etc. I get tons of text messages from him telling me, “who were you with? where were you last night?” etc. His family tells me I have the right to get on with my life and STBX should just mind his own business.

My question is this, When can I start dating and going out and handing around ppl? We do have a child together but i have temp custody. Would i lose custody?

Also another question. I am being forced out of my home since my lease is up. A friend is letting the kids and I rent his place. Can my STBX go after this person? My STBX is jealous of this person. Don’t understand why but, he is.


#17

After almost 3 years since this post was first posted, I would like to tell everyone who posted, that I am still going throught all the BS from this fool. Yes, I don’t let him control him anymore and I do not care what he has to say. But he sure is still keeping tabs on everything little thing I do and my husband. He still won’t get on with his life and has to have the mind set of being in mine.

Him and I are divorced and I have had custody of our child. Matter of fact, we are set to have another temporary hearing for him to get visitation. I think I am going to finally step up and go for the full custody with reasonable visitation for him. He never calls his child but for maybe once every month and half to two months. He is more worried about this second head then his child.

I really want to thank you guys for instealing it in my head to put my foot down. I am not a afriad anymore! I do feel sorry for my children because not only this EX but my other EX have gained up against me and it is costing alot in attorneys which takes alot away from the kids.

Atoma: I really hope things work out for you. It seems you post then delet.

Take care all.