Anyone? Just looking for advice…if there is any
I can tell you that this sounds very similar to my husband and his ex. His ex turned 30 and decided that after 15 years of marriage she wasn’t happy, it was all his fault and wanted him to leave. She had a single friend that went with her to bars while he stayed home with the kids, they were 6 & 9 at the time.
Immediately after she moved from the marital home, she pushed for a separation agreement because he found out she wanted to date.
For close to two months she called the shots…got whatever she wanted from the home, did whatever she wanted with the children even leaving them with him for weeks at a time, all the time blaming him for never making her happy. And leading him on to believe that something may change and she’d come home. I still think she was doing this to have a “safety net” in case things with her boyfriend didn’t work out.
From my own experiences, I can tell you that your way of thinking changes when you turn 30…at least for me it did. That’s when I realized that I was not happy with my ex and began to do things more for myself instead of living my life for him. In the end, he dumped me for another woman and they are equally miserable together.
I met my husband around two months after his ex left and we’ve been together ever since. Yes, her boyfriend did dump her around 3 months after we were dating and that’s when things got ugly. She didn’t want him back but she sure didn’t want anyone else to have him. Threats, vandalism, stalking and verbal abuse…in front of the children…
His ex has had around 6 boyfriends, moved 5 times all in the last 3 years, and as of two weeks ago one of the children has decided to live with us full time. My husband still says that his divorce is the best worst thing to ever happen to him…
Yes, you are supposed to be strong for your children, but don’t be afraid to let them know that you are hurt and upset. Talk to them and explain that they had nothing to do with this, it is not their fault and they have no control over the outcome. They will not understand.
Find a support group, a friend, or a family member and talk to someone who is not so closely involved. Find someone that will be on “your side” in this. Take care of yourself. Make sure that you get enough rest, and eat whether you want to or not. Keep in mind that it takes two to make a marriage work. If you feel that you have done all you can by changing then all you can do is let this go. Know that there is something else in this life for you and that everything comes back around. Though it’s difficult to think about, you should consider consulting an attorney and getting a separation agreement drawn up. Protect yourself finacially and protect your children. Get joint legal and physical custody with equal time. Have that put into the papers now so that it will not be so easy to change later. The best situation is that both parents are as involved with the children as they can be. While things are still civilized, please get this all legal…you would be amazed at how quickly things can change.
Thanks for the reply. I appreciate the time you spent writing that response. I guess what I’m trying to do is learn. Learn from not only my mistakes, but learn from what she needs.
Whats crazy about all this mess, is that I finally had things figured out. She is the type of person that just needs some “her” time now and then. I was ALWAYS around her, in her face, by her side, literally and fig. After ten years, and after the infidelity, I started giving her space, I had nothing else to lose.
Now keep in mind, it took me about 8 months to be able to trust her again, but I thought, well, either she will stay with me or she wont, and the old way of doing things led to her cheating.
I stopped calling her at work. I quit asking her out to lunch, I uit asking her where she was or worry if she wanted to have dinner with her friends. I started concentrating on me, working out, working harder on my business, which has suffered through all this. Trying to get my self esteem back. And I did, for the time being.
I cant tell you how great this worked, she fell back in love with me like never before. She was the one wanting to be around me, she looked me in the eyes and told me what a great man i was, I cant tell you how great things were…and this was a month ago. But then…I verbally got angry at her, just like the past, and alcohol was involved. I lost everything I had worked so hard on.
And now, to try to shorten this up, she wants out. She has had evryone in her life hurt her. Her family, friends, etc…She can really truly trust no one because of her past, and because she opened up to me again, only to get hurt.
Now I rarly drink, but I have since gone to AA because I will never get near the stuff again. It only takes one bad time with alcohol to ruin your life.
I guess Im just trying to figure out if we still have a chance. She ha trusted me again and agian, only for me to act foolish. I do know, that without alcohol, this would have never happened, not to blame it on alcohol, because I still did it. I just feel like I know how to be a good husband for once in my life, but it may be too late.
Maybe time away from one another works like it did in the past? When I left her alone and didnt call her etc…I do know that when we dont talk all day, she has that excitment in her face when she sees me, I feel that, and it comes from being apart all day. But if Im here at the house all day with her, things get stale quick, and I think she wants me away from her. I dont know what to do, maybe move out for a few weeks and see how we feel? I know this is a confusing post, just looking for direction
Mercman, I advise you do not move out, if she wants out then let her leave. I was the one that moved out thinking that a few weeks apart that we would be able to work things out, well that was almost 4 months ago. If I knew then what I know now there is no way I would have left. Stay strong, if she wants out of the marriage then let her leave and you stay put.
Thanks Ping. I appreciate the advise. I have not and will not leave the house. I just have a hard time being here sometimes, when I want to reach out to her and love her, but I know thats not what she wants or what we need. I want to grab her and tell her how much I care about our marriage…but I did that a few nights ago, and it seemed to push her away.
She was suppose to talk to an attorney Monday, and let me know who it is, so I knew not to try to hire the same one. Its Wednesday morning, and she has said nothing about it and all I can do is wonder how she feels. We sleep in the same bed right now, and we have great conversation, not about us, but work etc… I guess Im confused, ans shouldnt get my hopes too high, because she told me Saturday night she wanted out. She told me she would move out, but it may take a little while to find a place, which I understand.
I guess what im afraid of is, if she still has any hope at all, I dont want to give up. The worst part is knowing how good our marriage just was a month ago, and how much we loved one another. It was the best it has been ever, but now, im at the worst part ever. Its crazy and its frustrating.
IMHO, if all was great until a month ago and now, b/c of one verbal argument it is all going to pot… something else is in play. If there was physical contact, or danger, or distuction of any kind, I can see her side. But unless you hurt her by revealing some deep dark life altering secret, chances are there is something you don’t know. I may be waaaaaay off base, but before you take complete blame (relationships are rarely on person’s “fault”) step back and take an objective look at the situation. Don’t push, don’t pull, just observe what is going on around you.
Your story sounds almost like mine. I’m going to hit you with some hard facts.
It is going to be really hard to win her back. When a woman gets to this point it’s pretty much over. If you want to win her back, buy the book DIVORCE BUSTING by Michelle Weiner Davis. Great advice. It’ll give you hope and an action plan. My best piece of advice is this: ACT STRONG AND INDEPENDENT. I guarantee you that if you cry and beg she will gloat and act even more anxious to leave you. Divorcing women go through a power trip when their man comes crawling to them. Don’t tell her over and over that you love her. Don’t shower her with gifts and promises of how you’ll change this or that. You need to show her that you want her, but can manage without her. A woman doesn’t respect a man that chases her. Don’t be a jellyfish in her eyes.
She might be having an affair again. A woman that cheats once will cheat again - and you can take that to the bank buddy. If this caught you out of the blue, then she might have a guy on the side. Find out. If she is then be done with her and sue her lover(s) for alienation of affection/criminal conversation.
Don’t move out. It is one of the biggest mistakes a man can make in this situation. Do not leave your house. There are several reasons for this.
Do not accept the idea that she automatically gets the kids and you have to become an every other weekend visitor. FIGHT LIKE HELL for you kids. Get ready now. Take and hide photos, videos, cards, etc… things that will show you are an active and involved father.
If she moves out DO NOT START DRINKING, USING DRUGS OR SLEEPING AROUND. You need your emotional and physical health. Start exercising to help your body deal with the constant flood of adrenaline and other chemicals that will attack your body during this crisis.
Go to www.f4j.us and look for support.
DO NOT YELL AT HER OR GET INTO NASTY FIGHTS… AND FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE DO NOT GET UPSET ENOUGH TO COMMIT ANY KIND OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Even if you never have before, this ordeal is going to stretch you to a degree you’ve never felt before.
Don’t let yourself be in a situation with your kids that would enable your wife to falsely accuse you of abusing them physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually.
Pray. Pray. Pray. I don’t care if you are religious or not. You can’t make it through this hell with sanity unless you call on a higher power to help you. If you have a Bible read from Matthew and John every day.
Read articles at divorcenet.com/states/north_carolina
Don’t agree to anything she wants without taking a day or two to think it through carefully. No snap judgements.
In my case I was married 10 years… happily, or so I thought. Turns out my wife was sleeping with our plumber and one of our children was his biologically. As soon as that baby was born she ran off. I spent the next year trying to win her back. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING worked. She took the kids, cleaned out our home when I wasn’t there, and ended up filing a false child sex abuse allegation against me to try to keep me from seeing my kids. I used to think this woman was as saintly as an angel. I’m telling you as one man to another… women are crafty when they decide to be. Watch your back.
Thanks for the advise. Its a crazy ordeal. I know everything you said in your message can be true. After you are cheated on the first time, you never really let your guard down again. I wouldnt put it past her if I did find something out.
Second, I am NOT going anywhere. She moved out. I have the kids but she says she wants to split time each week, she gets them 3 days, i get them the next 3 days, I dont want that. I want them to be in thier beds every night while they are in school and for stability reasons. She left, can she still demand this?
I guess im trying desperatly to make decisions based on sound mind, nit emotion. And tonight, she came by to drop my son off, I was strong, didnt say a whole lot, and my son and I started playing around and barely noticed her good-bye. It FELT GOOD…but now im down…what a roller coaster
NC is a no fault state. Her leaving and the reasoning behind it has very little to do with custody. As long as illegal behavior isn;t involved. The 3 day rotation may or may not be the best choice for your children. BUT if you do get into this routine, you will have a hard time changing it later. Until custody is determined, you both have 100% custody. Meaning she can take the kids w/o your “permission”. My advice, get custody established NOW. There are lots of variations. 50/50 Every other weekend and every thing inbetween. There is a difference in legal and physical custody. Get the facts and act.
Ditto to what everyone else has said about the importance of dealing with this custody mess now. Here is what happened to me here in NC -
My wife left our home without any warning, taking our 4 children with her. Up until that day, I didn’t even know that she was thinking of leaving. It turns out that she had planned this whole thing out with her lover in advance. She resurfaced 3 hours away, still in NC, and had moved in with her parents. For the next 6 months she kept telling me that there was a “chance” for us to work things out. Her behaviors didn’t demonstrate that she had any interest… she wouldn’t go to marriage therapy or do anything to work on reconciling the marriage, but I was a desperate guy… just like you seem to be.
After half a year of me begging to see my kids and try to work things out I realized that there was nothing I could do to win her back or save my family. She had been lying the entire time about her intent to move back to be a family again. By the time I came to my senses and realized what she had up her sleeve, it was too late.
By not immediately contesting custody I allowed her to set up 6 months of “status quo” residency. Not only would a custody case need to be tried in her new jurisdiction, but the fact that my kids had had such little contact with me for half a year worked in her favor.
If you want to be involved in your kids lives beyond the standard “every other weekend”, then fight this battle NOW. Don’t give her the kids more than half the time. Insist on maintaining your home as their primary residence. Naturally, children need the love and companionship of both parents… so don’t be a jerk about it. Let her and your children enjoy as normal a life together as they wish. But don’t relinquish custody. SHE left. SHE is the one that chose to abandon the family. Don’t reward her poor choices by giving up your kids.
In family court, dads almost never get equal treatment - I don’t care what anybody else tells you. I’ve been through it for 2 years now. I’ve spoken with dozens of other men here in NC and their stories all share the same basics: judges in NC, should the case go to court, will likely grant primary custody to the mom and turn you into a walking ATM with limited visitation privileges.
Thanks you all so much…I appreciate everyones help. Its confusing, but I am really trying to get things set up as quick as possible. She Left 6 days ago, kids have been with me ever since. She wants then tomorrow night through Sunday…I dont want them 3 days, her 3 days through the school year, they should be in there bed every night,. Seems like the father gets screwed no matter if you are the better parent or not. I dont want to get her out of thier lives, She is just unstable, bi-polar, and she is the one who left!
Her I go, Im fighting for them till the bitter end!! I want to form a group of fathers like myself and go to frickin washington dc!!
What you could do is suggest to her that for the children’s sake they remain with you in the home during the week. Possibly if you approach it that way it will make a difference. Let her know that you do not want to keep the children from her but you also do not want to disrupt their lives any more than necessary. Ask her to allow them to be with you during the week for school and that she can visit with them a couple afternoons a week and then Friday & Saturday night. That way they get used to you being apart but don’t have to get used to a new schedule during the school year…
Let her know that you can work some things out for vacations but that right now they need to remain in the home. You can not keep her from visiting them but you can put the children first. Tell her that this will also give her time to get settled.
Do not mention custody.
Remember that what you do now will set a precedent for the future. Down the road, the courts will see two things. One, you were trying to do what was in the children’s best interest and two that she essentially agreed for you to have primary physical custody.
Thank you so much…thats some great advice. You have really helped me alot!!
Custody can work in your favor. My husband has primary custody of his two. His ex left for another man. That had nothing to do w/ custody however. She is flaky and inconsistant in her parenting. She moved 3 hours away, them back after a year. She loves the kids, but she the kids arent her first priority. She favors one child over the other. None of these behavoirs on her part can legally effect her custody. BUT since my husband was smart and ALWAYS put the kids first, he is the primary. Ironically, while they were married she didn’t work consistantly and when she did work, it was part time. She was, in essence a SAHM. So just because you are male, you don’t automatically loose custody. Do not fall into the victim mentality, it will not help you prepare for the trauma you are about to undergo. Be consistant, do not flip-flop where it comes to the kids. Know their teachers, their routines, their friends. And needless to say, do not badmouth the momma… THAT is a BIG no-no. When it gets to you vent on here or to a friend, a journal or that plant in the kitchen window (not w/in hearinf of the kids). Good Luck
Ten years of marriage is gone. She is talking to attorney tomorrow. We have had our ups and downs, but she really changed about a year ago, when she turned 30.
We married young, she had a child right after high school, and I have been raising him since he was 2. We have since had another boy, and now they are 13 and 10.
Our marriage has had its moments, like anyone else. But a year ago she told me she wanted to leave me. This was out of the blue and I was stunned. I talked her into trying, only to find out she cheated on me twice, within a 3 week time frame. I asked her to leave and hse did, but she wanted to come back.
Through counceling, we both learned alot about our marriage and where we had let one another down. I never cheated on her, but was verbally abusive at times.
That was about a year ago, and now, after weathering that storm, she wants out. She says she does not love me anymore, even though I have changed so much for the better. I have really been trying to self evaluate myself over the past year, to try to help our marriage.
I love this woman with all my heart, and I barely made it through talking to the kids last night about seperation and divorce.
I just dont know where to turn. Im suppose to be tough through this, for the kids, but I am having the roughest time of my life.