Help me get through this


#1

My ex and I were never married and because of a lot of arguing and lying and the damage it was doing emotionally to everyone, I moved out.
When i moved I was 4 months pregnant and now I’m almost nearing my due date. I refused to get back together with him because he had slept with another girl within a month after I left and continuously lied about things. He was also accusing me of setting him up to be ruined when in all reallity he was doing it to me, his excuse, “He couldn’t stop himself, but wanted to” He has threatened criminal actions that can’t be done, civil actions ect.

Anyways to make a long story short, he says he wants to work with me and when I agree to work with him on visitation but put child support through the court system, I am being unreasonable and not willing to work with him?? And now it has come down to belittling me about being at home, but going to school to earn a BA degree. He says I refuse to work and just sit on my butt all day doing nothing. Mind you I also have a 10 year old child to and I am pregnant.

When he’s belittling me and being mean he says he isn’t and it’s all me. How do I deal with someone like this and prepare my children to deal with it too? It gets so tiring and it amazes me how just a few weeks ago I was his world and so wonderful and showed him more love then anyone ever has. And now I’m just a rotten pos!
someone please tell me the best way to emotionally guard myself from this so it doesn’t hurt so bad.


#2

i can relate and it can be extremely draining to here negatives bombarded at you constantly. Just remember, your children are smart and can and will make up their own minds - they see you care for them, look out for them, be there for them, they will know who to count on, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

For you, remember sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me. Know internally what kind caring person you are and have been to him, comfort yourself in knowing you are making the right decision (whatever your path may lead) for you and your children (10 and unborn).

Be optimistic about custody mediation, in Wake County it is required, this may get you to agreement.

Best advice: find some outlet to discuss the verbal abuse, someone who knows you and can reassure you. I have 3 siblings and parent that will let me cry, rant and rage about the verbal abuse I receive every time I exchange the kids for visitation. I have become numb to it over the past 8 months and soon hope it will be like water off a ducks back.

Occassionaly, when I can not take it any more, I start to agree with the name calling and acknowledge that “Yes, You loved, cared for, married a nut job that is evil, controlling, ________, _________, __________, (repeat back all the negatives) Now, why did you go and do that? Takes one to know one, perhaps, You must be a nut job too?”

Don’t mean to be so flippant, but I have learned this verbal abuse is all there is left for them to hang onto… once custody, equity dist, etc are all finalized in our SA.


#3

Thank You! I’m the same I’m not perfect either, I have stooped and resorted to the screaming and cussing before. Here lately I have actually made my tongue and inside of my cheek bleed biting it back and it has not worked so far. I guess it may never work.

Thank you again for your advice!!!


#4

I don’t know if you’ve already given birth, but if you haven’t, consider not putting his name on the birth certificate. Only do this if you don’t want or need his financial help in any way, ever. From what I understand, if his name is not on the birth certificate, he has no parental rights. Definitely check with an attorney on this. You can ask on this forum where the attorneys respond. Good Luck!


#5

Here is an update for those who answered me…

Baby was born in August and although health he was small but full term. I finally got rid of the stress by just ignoring and telling him to go away.

It has been a peaceful time except when he filed cyberstalking for notifying him that the baby would be coming within a few days. But I just let him go about his mediation, knowing it was all talk. Which it was.

The baby is almost 4 months old and he has not had anything to do with the baby, not even a phone call when I sent a picture and gave him a 2 month update after the cyberstalking was dropped. He has aggitated the CSE worker to death and tried to make himself out to be a victim, which she has already seen otherwise and she just blew him off after giving him the 1 2 3 of how things would go.
After all that talk of "I want I want I want, he has made no effort and has now made me realize it was all talk and he thought it was a game to control my actions. Even went so far as to TYPE and make sure I had in black and white that…"he would give up his rights and then I wouldn’t get ****!"
How nice was that.

Baby is happy and I am enjoying everyday with him! I have hired one of the best attorney’s in my county, who also used to be a District Court Judge to protect my baby and myself, because I am making him take responsibility and help support the baby and I’m sure that he will try the entire custody action just to keep from paying. So whenever…if ever anything comes up I’ll just send him in the direction of my attorney and let them hash it out. He has a lot of evidence collected over a good period of time and the fact that the man has hung himself by not even accknowledging the baby and the fact after all his harassment and talk. he still asked for paternity HA!
My attorney is hilarious though cause after I gave him everything and he did a little investigating himself, the first thing he is going to ask for is a psych evaluation. Anyway, I am a lot calmer now and I want to pass on what my counselor told me for those that find themselves in a mess with someone like that… It’s got nothing to do with you, it is not your fault, because everything is always about them. They Project, onto you and it leaves you helpless dazed and confused and that is what it is meant to do.


#6

You dont have to deal with him. He sounds like he has issues that he needs to deal with. I would only speak to him in regards to the baby. Its your choice to go through CS system. If you feel you want to give him a chance to do the right thing. If you do not, then go through CS. I am all about not dealing with craziness. You seem to have your head on right. Just do what you think is right and dont listen to the things he says. Obviosly he is unhappy with himself to make such comments about you. Just encourage him to have a relationship with the baby and encourage the child (once older) to have a relationship with him. That is your only job. The rest is up to him.


#7

Hi there

First of all, congratulations on the birth of your baby.

I am going to deviate from what the last person who posted said, although under different circumstances, I would wholeheartedly agree with that post–children should know and have access to both parents.

If this guy does not want to be a part of this child’s life, so what? He has threatened that he wants to terminate his parental rights? I don’t think that can be voluntarily done. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. That said, why would you want your child to have an ongoing relationship with a person who very obviously has personality defects, or disorders, or whatever the current term du jour from the esteemed mental health community is calling that stuff these days? The point is that this man is an ABUSER. Left to his own devices, one day, he’ll abuse your child.

Someone up in the thread said that "sticks and stones may break my bones . . . . " Right? We all remember that from childhood. But you know what? That’s not true. Verbal and emotional abuse can be every bit as damaging to the soul of your child as physical abuse. THAT is well documented in just about everything you can read regarding domestic ABUSE. What many people do not realize is that domestic violence INCLUDES verbal and emotional (and economic) abuse.

From the US Dept of Justice page on this topic:


Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair-pulling, biting, etc. Physical abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual’s sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one’s abilities, name-calling, or damaging one’s relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one’s access to money, or forbidding one’s attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner’s family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.


Look at the last three items. Emotional–undermining someone’s sense of self-esteem. Economic–making or ATTEMPTING to make . . . . withholding . . . . Psychological–threatening physical harm to self, partner, family friends . . . .

Granted, from what you have written this guy has not YET done all of these things, but really, just how long do you think it’s going to take for him to get there? He’s an abuser. Your child deserves better. You both do. True, you’re done with him romantically, but he’s got some sort of access into your life, and your child’s life, so you are not done having to deal with this guy.

So what should you do? Never discuss anything with him. If you can afford an attorney, make him talk to the attorney. The very first time he gets out of line, and I mean in any way at all, see about getting a DVPO (50B or restraining order). Just do it. He’s unstable, obviously. Sticks and stones? Often follow the ugly violence that comes out of an abuser’s mouth. Don’t have a thing to do with him, other than what you legally have to. If you can’t keep paying the attorney to communicate with this guy, insist that all communication take place via email. Have nothing to do with him on the phone, in person, etc.

Don’t ever feel sorry for him. Abusers are not people who lose control; they choose their actions. Why waste sympathy on someone who has chosen to abuse you? You sent him photographs and such? Why? Cut the ties to this guy as much as you can.

If he doesn’t want to see your child, great. Use an attorney or use CSE to get what you can from him. But whatever the case, if he does not want to see your child, or even says he doesn’t want to, all the better. Your child deserves better than to be in the company of an abuser at all.

If you give an abuser attention, negative or positive, they get what they want: attention. Don’t give him any. Eventually, without attention he’ll have to try to gratify his emotional needs elsewhere.

You’ve also written that you believe he will use the custody process to prevent having to pay child support? Newsflash for him, which he’ll find out: The two are not interdependent, as any parent who has ever tried withholding visitation due to lack of child support. It works the other way around too. Custody and support are not intertwined like that. He’ll find out. And let him find out on his own. No need to warn him.

I am speaking from experience. I had one child from an early marriage. Her father was a ne’er do well, and I mean NEVER do well. I left him when she was two years old. I never got child support. He never saw her. I never, ever had to deal with that guy and his abuse after I left him. Sure, it was a drag sometimes, but in comparison the Mr. Money & Pilllar Of Society I chose the second time around, the first guy was a walk in the park. The second one started with verbal and emotional abuse, and eventually, yes, moved into economic and sometimes physical abuse. I never kept him from seeing the kids he said he loved so much. Never. Even when he was treating me terribly, even when he had walked out on them for some old girlfriend, I encouraged him to see them.

I was repaid by having this abuser snatch my kids, because I’d never gotten a custody order. I was naive and thought I had de facto custody or something like that. And now, he’s suing me for child support and custody. HE has an attorney, but claims he lives in the poor house.

It’s a god awful mess. I’ve been hurt and damaged. And so have my children. If I could have done this over, the first time this guy got nuts with me, verbally, and threatened not to support me? I"d have told him, “Good. I’ll just have someone contact you about support and we’ll leave it at that. Goodbye.” I didn’t, and I am now living one of the worst scenarios I could have written for myself.

My point is that you’re dealing with an abuser. As soon as you fully accept that, you will make better decisions for your child. Based on my experience, a child with an absent abusive parent is way better off, even without child support, than a child with a present abusive parent, who does pay support.

It’s just not worth it. Abuse is abuse is abuse. It’s all harmful. Every insult, every manipulative game (including the legal ones you’re now involved in), every holiday they manage to mess up, it’s all part of the abuse syndrome. Stop the cycle. Get out of the relationship–it’s a relationship, whether it’s romantic or not. If you have to deal with him at all, it is a relationship.

You were dead right when you wrote " . … thought it was a game to control my actions." YES. That’s what they want, abusers. They want control. They won’t control themselves, but they’ll do anything to control you. He’s making a pest of himself right now. Take my word for it, please. That merely annoying, aggravating behavior now can mushroom like you would not believe.

Your attorney is going to ask for a psychological evaluation? Make sure you find out everything you can about those and how people can manipulate them.

You’ve got an abuser in your life. Do everything you can to sweep him out.

And never, ever, ever listen to anyone tell you that you brought this on yourself. That kind of “therapeutic” psychobabble is so wrong. NO ONE asks to be abused, no one. I am so sick of hearing “Oh, but you let him.” Hogwash. I fell into a terrible relationship, believed things I had every reason to believe were true, and someone else decided to abuse my children and me. That’s not my fault. (This is directed not so much at the OP, but at the person who said that they will sometimes give themselves a hard time over it). No–abusers choose their actions. Victims are NEVER responsible for it, though many a counselor would have you examining your entire life with a magnifying glass, to “help” you figure out what you did to invite the abuse into your life. It’s time these therapists cut that out.

I’m just damned sick and tired of seeing these abusers get away with so much. THey are anti-life. They are bad people. They should not raise children, if we can prevent them from doing so. They need help, but no one can’t help someone who won’t even admit they’re wrong (honestly, that is … lots of them will admit it when they want you to take them back).

Get rid of the pest before he becomes a monster.


#8

What you said really hit a nerve and you’re right! That is why I hired an attorney and will send him the problems of dealing with this man, IF he decides to start more issues and problems.

As of now I think he figures if he ignores it that it will go away and he does have plenty of other girls that his attention is on, since I think he now knows I WILL stand up and call his crap. They never want someone who will fight back, they want to keep their target dependant and timid and believing their lies.

I learned a lot being on a forum and around others who were victims of spouses and bf’s and gf’s with BPD, Bi-polar disorder and depressive disorders. I also learned that no matter what I do or how I try, he will tell others it is my fault and he tried blah blah blah so that way he gets attention and the truth is never revealed to his next victim.

You make my situation look like a cake walk! And I thank you for posting, these abusers do need stopped and unfortunatly our current court systems still believe that a child should have both no matter what abuse they could possibly endure

I really feel for you and if you ever need someone to vent to, please feel free to find me!


#9

Well, I’m glad to know that helped. I’m very serious. If my experiences and all the reading I have done about this can help others, that’s great.

About them never wanting someone who will fight back. Hmmm, yes and no. They like the fight, I think. But when you’ve got them cornered and they know they will be exposed for what they are and what they do, that’s a different story. But it’s also a matter of whom they are exposed to. It has to be someone that matters to them, or like in my case, someone like a judge who can do something, change the course of things. His family? I exposed him to them a long time ago. They are a bunch of enablers so it did not deter him. Those people will continue to feel sorry for him and coddle him forever.

You’re spot on that they want to keep you dependent and timid. They’re playground bullies, really. Their EGOS get a kick out of this. As for believing their lies? Well, mine is an inveterate liar. I really do believe that he craves dishonesty, the feeling of knowing he’s gotten away with something, because he has lied about things that never had to have been an issue; it was the lie, when exposed, taht became the issue. It’s mind boggling.

And that’s something else that is worth bringing up. IT’s mind boggling to the rest of us, but not to them. They may know that other people think what they are doing is wrong, but they’re not necessarily thinking they are wrong. One set of rules for the population at large, and another for them. Hello Narcissus. They’re special. Most of us don’t believe we’re above rules, etc, and we don’t make the focus of our lives abusing others, so to us, it is mind boggling . . . until you read enough of this enough times that it’s like a light bulb goes on. Not so mysterious anymore.

I can’t always predict what mine will do, but I’ve gotten much, much better at it since I’ve really figured out what makes the mind of an abuser tick. And I can tell you this: EVERY single time I tried to use reason, logic, compassion with him? It backfired. He LOVED it! He got attention. But since his mind does not operate like most people’s the reason and logic was wasted on him. Compassion is always wasted on him. Oh, it’s harmful to the kids to do such and such? Well, to him, that’s a nonissue. Big deal. He cares about himself, himself,himself, and himself. And what others think of him. BUT when I ignore him? That works.

Just today, I got this bullying, mean spirited email. Oh sure, yeah, I am stealing my children’s DVDs. Yeah, I do stuff like that all the time. I get such a thrill out of depriving my child of favorite movies. ANd clothes. Yeah, right. PROJECTION. ALso in this absurd email is a “request” that I return to him all of his music CDs. He moved out (was forced to move out after more criminal charges due to DV) three years ago! I don’t have his music CDs. I’m also a decent enough person that although he infuriated me by taking my children from me, when he sent a moving company to pick up their things, not only did I do that (wasn’t going to hurt my kids), I included some of the things that I’d found since he moved out, including a couple of music CDs.

He’s baiting me, that’s all. He wants attention. He’s craving a fight, an argument. He’s nervous and scared right now about what I have to show a judge about him, and that is coming up soon. He is feeling the pressure, so he’s lashing out at me. He knows I haven’t got his CDs. He just tossed that in there to get me riled up. And before I really got myself educated about this whole cycle, I would have bit. I probably would have written back nicely, explaining that I was not stealing things from the kids ( not even Pink Panther dvd’s, lol), and that I haven’t got his music. And knowing me? I would also have written something along the lines of “Im sorry that you thought that . . . I wish we could communicate more peacefully,” etc, etc. OR I might have given him a knee jerk response and told him that after he was arrested . . . his music CDs were moved when he moved out, and if he’s lost them, that’s his own damned fault, blah blah.

Either way? He’d have gotten what he wanted: attention. And I would have wasted emotional energy. He is never, ever going to respond appropriately as a normal human being would. No amount of my trying is ever going to change that. So I just ignored the email. I’ll get the things my children left here returned to them, and that’s that. His music CDs? Whatever. I’m not taking the bait. I refuse to participate in this life-sucking activity anymore. I have truly had enough.

It’s a great day when you realize that you’ve got no interest in responding. Defending myself? What for? Like he’s going to announce to the world, “You know what? She really WAS good to me, and I wronged her. She’s a decent person, a good mother.” Nah, it’s never going to happen. Never.

So he’s getting no response. I couldn’t care less. I don’t feed his bizarre emotional needs anymore.

I just worry about my kids, though. If he’s angry that he’s not getting a reaction from me, what will they experience tonight? I have to remind myself continually that I am powerless about this. I can’t do anything about what he might to do them.

Maybe a judge will be persuaded by what I can show them. Maybe not.

Cut this guy out of your life. Like a dead tree limb, he has absolutely no use and could be dangerous.

Don’t know how I’d “find you,” to vent, like you’ve written, but I’ll keep an eye out for you!

Take care. Take care of yourself and your baby. And never, ever lose sight of the fact taht every time he abuses you, he’s harming your child. That’s abuse for you.


#10

OMG! I can’t believe now how many times I fed it! I would argue back try to prove myself or prove I was right and when he would get backed in the corner as you say, he would break down cry and say he was so sorry and he didn’t know what was wrong with him blah blah, then turn around sometimes in the same day and do it again!

I would argue back, scream, cry, beg and it would just keep going and going and going. He wouldn’t stop.
When I would catch a lie and call him on it he would vehmently deny it and say it was all in my head.
When I would stop talking to him after I left, he would send me messeges about my friends and filing charges on them, or about filing charges on me. How he was going to take the baby and more.
Before I left, when I told him I was leaving his exact words, “You can leave when you sign over custody” “You can keep the baby if you stay” And the baby wasn’t even born! But it sent me spiralling and floored me. That was when I first found this site. He was one that swore I was cheating or going to cheat because I didn’t give him enough attention and such so he would break into my emails and then say it was ok cause he knew my password and said he could do it, even after I left. He would make fake profiles on social sites to gain access to my private profile as a friend, I wasn’t the only one though, because when we were together he admitted he’d done it before. What I didn’t know was he had an old account that he used pretending to be an attorney against his middle child’s mother. Who by the way disappeared off the planet after 4-5 years of him. I have found them and spoke to them though. Everything she told me sounded so familiar, the threats, reasoning arguments and both of us even after we left ended up having enough money to support our housholds and he got angry and wanted to know where the money came from. She got accused of having a sugar daddy, mind you he was dating then and is now but neither of us was allowed. Even went so far with me to want it agreed upon that no one new would be around for 3 years!

You are exactly right about who they are exposed to, with him it is anyone, family friends ect. No one is as perfect as him, every woman has always done him wrong, never loved or cared about him enough or cheated on him. He even went so far as to say I cheated and the baby wasn’t his, guess the DNA test proved otherwise, but I know now it won’t matter. He right always will be right and he’s always the victim.
And at one point I did hope he would break down and say he needed help and he was sorry. But that was a lost hope.

You hit the nail on the head with mind boggling. It’s those times where you know what’s right and what’s wrong, but some where in the fight for yourself they change the strategy and you become confused and don’t know what happened. It’s when you start to question yourself because they are so good at digging in their world, you start to get dragged into it and life always seems to stay crazy. Then they get sweet and loving and tell you how much you mean to them and you are the only one they ever loved so much and you’re so good to them and then it starts over again, you relax and within a few days to a few weeks they’re off on another imagined rampage where you’ve done something wrong and maybe all you did was being to tired to have physical relations with them, but suddenly you’re cheating or wanting someone else or wanting to leave God only knows what it will be you’re doing this time. And you defend yourself and the argument is off and running at a good pace, then suddenly in the middle of the arguement you don’t do this or last time you said this or that and you did this with the kids and it’s a whole new issue or 10 in 1 arguement. Then they yell about how much they do for you and how much they love you and your this that and the next thing and you do nothing but sit around or talk to your friends oh and by the way your friends are just trying to ruin the relationship and you did this and that and you don’t say I Love You Enough or spend to much time doing this or that BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! and by this time you’ve defended yourself to the point of exhaustion! And if they aren’t done at 2am you won’t be done either. You’ll be kept up all night if they choose. And if you push to go to sleep “See you don’t care if I go to bed mad you just care about you and getting sleep” and back to the rampage, you, you , you did this to me me me me! And in this entire thing you’ve heard many things that he’s done but you’re being told you have, as you said projection. Or he fusses that you yelled during an argument, but so did he but it’s not ok for you.

That is the other thing that USED TO confuse me, was the different set of rules. It was and still is ok for him to be on social and dating sites, but it’s not for me. It’s ok for him to do this and that, but not me.

But once you get away from someone like that and calm yourself and let the confusion and craziness clear from your head, you start to take stock and realize the rules really were different and still are. Their warped way of thought makes the rules different. Like you said for most people who have an arguement the rules are the same…but with someone with a personallity disorder, the rules are let them fuss, because it’s not about you, somehow it’s about them being projected onto you, you rule is SHUT UP and IGNORE them!

Like you I also learned that :slight_smile:

Another thing is, it does take time to let the residual effects to go away so it isn’t a great idea to start a new relationship to get over the last, I found I’ve needed time to heal.


#11

Oh yeah, you need time to heal. Time to talk to someone, or lots of someone’s, to keep a journal, to remember who you were before that storm burst into your life and shook it up, then dumped the contents of your life all over the side of the road.

Wow, they are intense, aren’t they?

I LOVED your rant! Very good. That’s the way the “arguments” go, give or take this detail or that, depending on the individual abuser.

Mine told me he had “devoted” his life to me so many times. Really? After over dozen moves, all for his career. HIS career. Once he got my pregnant and promised so many things, including that I would NOT EVER have to move with him, he had me good and trapped. Now, that’s devotion.

An old, old friend with whom I’d lost touch over the years (it’s kind of embarrassing, the lifestyle) told me she was shocked, uttlery stunned, that this could have happened to me. She had always remembered me as really strong, able to hold my own. Well? What can I say? I’m still standing, but many years of my life were stolen from me.

I also heard the stuff about taking custody of the baby before he was born. Well, sixteen years and one child later, he made good on that threat. At least temporarily. And with the second baby, he also insisted it could NOT be his. Gosh, just wasn’t convenient for him, so he lashed out at me: no way. I was some whore who’d been having sex with the entire male population of whatever subdivision. Sure. I had lots of time for that. I was always a very loose woman. He knew that. Riiiight.

Geeze, those two things right there, if that does not show you or anyone else . . . one set of rules for the rest of the world, one for them. HE wants a child? Then he “makes” it happen (oops, sorry about the accident in bed), and when you express serious, mature concerns about this, he promises the world, and oh, how he loves you. Next time? When you’re not sure you can force a termination, despite all signs pointing this not being exactly the right move in life? “It’s not even my kid!”

And all those threats. All those insults. The C-word was never a part of my life before I met this one, this pillar of high society (seriously, in another state, his family is fairly well known). Now? My older children have used that word on me. See what I mean? Abusing you IS abusing them. Teaching them to treat their mother like that? How’s that going to go over in other circles? Lovely, just lovely.

Oh, gotta love the part about “If you really make me leave [because I’m a dangerous dude when I refuse to control my temper], I will take your kids away from you! My family will help me!”

He really did it, though. Gawd awmighty, he did it.

Mine did “break down” and insist he needed help. Till that got boring and he figured he’d satisfied my “demands” that he do something, anything about that horrific temper, the screaming, the cursing the lying.

One time, after sitting in the bathroom for over an hour with the baby, then leaving for the weekend, because of his screaming (the discover card bill was $140 and change higher . . .I bought a bed, a cheap one, for the baby, my bad) . . . he came to me, tears in his eyes. See, oh gosh, “I have seen a psychiatrist a few times. I never told you. I have . . . yes, . . . I have Adult ADHD.”

Yeah, right. And doctors are prone to prescribing antipsychotics to ADHD people, right? Happens all the time. It’s true! I read it on a blog.

What a load of garbage. He does not have a problem paying attention. He has a personality disorder that probably developed because his family babied him too much, make everything so easy on him, made excuses for his horrifying behavior, and thew a lot of money at him. Poor him. His life is so hard.

The arguments you describe? OMG, I"M ALMOST at the point that it’s nothing but funny, but only almost. LIke chasing your tail. Reason? Logic? Truth? What? And the massaging of the story? “Yes, you did so throw hot coffee in my face!” NO, I did not. I tossed my cup of COLD coffee in the air after he KICKED me in the rear end as I left the room, after catching him in another lie. But forget that part. His version is that I threw hot coffee in his face, and he is not going to relent on that lie. Kicked me? Oh him? Mellow as a buttercup.

Right.

email me if you want to chat more:

We could really commiserate. But seriously, I can send you some links to things that will help you make sense of this insanity, so that you can really start getting on with your life.

Have you ever heard that song Get Out Of This House, by Shawn Colvin? Oh, I love that one. Yeah, get out. Go back to high school.


#12

yup intense is right. I learned through a site that this is one of the signs in the begining and those of us who have dealt with someone like that needs to keep is as a BIG red flag…They are intense from day one but it turns during the relationship

They are intense in bed and with their affections and most of the time make great lovers AT FIRST. They will shower you with attention and be set to “keep you safe” from the begining, they seem to be your Knight in Shining armor. They are quick to move the relationship forward, like moving in together or marriage. They say I love you within a few weeks and some even sooner. From the start they try to “HELP” you get things in order so you can “spend” time with them. Constant calls or texts that at the time seem so sweet and attentitive, when in reality they want to make sure of things. If you don’t answer they make “innocent” remarks or questions. And when you’re dating and they don’t have you. The main thing I have heard everyone experiences is the, you were talking to your other boyfriend/girlfriend comment. Again they make it seem so innocent and a joke but guess what you’re about to find out, it’s not, it really is how they feel!

Then when they have you suckered…BOOM you get the control and jealousy and you start to hear the accusations and critisisms. And ha ha ha you’ve just been HOOVERED and that will be your life from then on.
No matter how strong you are, you will eventually weaken and the stronger your spirit the nastier they are.

He tried to tell me the same thing, he had adult ADHD and that was it, even the military said he had personality issues! But I found that after the fact.

My friends said the same, I was always so strong and even stronger after my 1st husband’s death I could send anyone packing in a heart beat and put up with nothing. Until…HIM… they couldn’t figure out how I weakened so quickly and why I just couldn’t manage to keep my sanity and seemed so lost.

I had a friend of mine who I’ve known for nearly 8 years ask if we could try a relationship, I love him to my core and would give my soul if it ever meant his life…but I told him no. I know him well, the good the bad and the ugly, we are best friends I trust the man with my life. And when I say my life I literally mean, I rock climb with him. I have hung off the side of a mountain with him at the bottom of the rope and we’ve even repeled on the same rope at the same time…He was there when the baby was born and when he is in town and visiting he’ll feed him change his diaper and play… my other children love him to death and he loves them and so many other reasons I should have and any other time could have said yes…But I said no…why? I can’t answer that…


#13

Wow, we have a LOT in common. Too personal for me to post here, but wow, lots.

Yes, yes, yes, on all the intensity at the beginning. “This is NOT a dutch date. I"m a true romantic,” he said to me on our first date. Well, that lasted until, yes, yes, yes, he got me cornered.

He loved my very feminine way of dressing, until he needed to make sure that other men would not be looking at me. Oh, the generous gifts–“lumberjack” looking clothes. All very expensive, but definitely not feminine.

We were involved long before text messages, but I do recall him calling my friend’s home one night–yes, I was there–to see why I wasn’t coming to see him. I did go over there, and I told him, gently but emphatically, that I’ve got things in my life I am working on, I have a child who needs me, and I have dear and treasured friends who have been good to me when I needed it, so uh, please don’t do that again. OH, he was so sorry, no, won’t happen again.

It is all about control. They have no sense of control over themselves, so they try to control others.

I’ve got your email address. I’m going to send you some links. This IS a personality disorder, much as I don’t like that term. IT’s not a mental illness (although many of them get that too–depression? oh, hell yeah, esp if you leave them). It’s a disordered personality. They are almost as incurable as pedophiles.

What you said about your friends, being so surprised? I got that too. Once I got away from the first one, I had to be strong. I was NOT going to let that happen again. NO ONE paid my bills. I was not going to answer to anyone. If a man came along who interested me, I’d know for sure that it was bona fide love, not money. So much for that. It’s still kind of embarrassing.

Your last question–why can’t you answer that? Because you’re still confused yourself. You’ve been dealing with someone who is NOT normal, whose behavior manipulated you into questioning your every move, and even your thoughts. The man you are describing sounds wonderful. But? You’ve got a baby right now. THAT is the person who needs you most and is deserving of your undivided attention. If this man is as good as he seems right now, he’ll still be that good six months from now, a year from now, whenever. ANd you know what else? FRIENDSHIP. I"m of the opinion now that all those people who say that the best relationship are based on friendship first are right.

Gotta love the ADHD stuff, huh? Poor things. They really ARE to be pitied, but from afar. It’s possible to forgive someone, but almost impossible if they are still abusing you. I can pity mine. I can even feel normal human love for him (as in, he’s a human being, an earthling, like everyone else). But I also realize that the second I give him an inch, he’s going to be looking for those familiar patterns to reenact it all. He craves that control. I cannot and will not let him have his way with me, and it’s been getting harder and harder on me, in every way as in, survival.

I also wholeheartedly believe that karma IS real (did you see that thead on here). HATING someone is bad for ME. I try not to give into it. Anger? I’ve just about got that smudged out, although I realize I sound angry on this thread. I guess I fouond it at a time when he was firing away at me again – which just goes back to it being hard to forgive someone who is still abusing you. Silence, detachment–that’s my sanctuary.

And I’m fortunate to have found out that some people I thought were frieinds, but not “real” friends, are those real friends. No, they cannot solve this for me, but they are there being supportive of me. And that makes ME very wealthy.


#14

Momagain, I’m sorry you’re having these issues, divorce can be difficult all around. I’m no expert, but what I can offer you is this: you will always be connected to the ex-wife as long as there are children involved, even as they grow up and leave the home. None of this was of their choosing, and they must live with the decisions and atmosphere that surrounds them. So the choice is yours: completely distance yourself from her and have no dealings with her whatsoever, or accept her for who she is in your new family’s life and let the bad feelings go. I recommend the latter. From now on, just go forward and leave the past behind. He is your husband now, and he chose you. However, she will ALWAYS be the mother of these children, and as such will always be in your life. Make your own life easier and accept this from the heart. Be friendly, accommodating, and non-judgmental. Get along. Don’t be the one who makes the children anxious and your husband stressed. Remember the concept of “pay it forward?” Try it. She will never be your best friend, but she is not the enemy. Be the hero. It will make holidays easier and life in general happier. Let us know what happens, there are people out here who care.


#15

Sorry, the above posting was not intended for momagain, so disregard. I will post again to the appropriate person…