I don’t know how to write this without either giving a great deal of background information or making it seem like I am making things up about my husband and trying to find out a way to prove it later on (or maybe I’m just so used to hearing my husband tell me that I’m trying to make things up to destroy him that I feel like nobody will believe me).
I will try to keep my questions brief and hope that someone who has been in a similar situation can relate and give me some advice.
My husband is a heavy drinker. Averages 10-12 beers/night (weeknights). I’ve expressed concerns for probably 10 years now. He always says that I am exaggerating my concerns or attempting to make him stop as a way to control him.
There is literally nobody else in the world except my family and our 12 year old daughter who can confirm my story. He has no close friends and only a few family members alive and none of them live closer than 8 hours away.
We had been separated, and tried to reconcile, but it is NOT working. I have serious concerns about his drinking and being alone with our children. Our younger 2 have special needs and neither one would be able to problem solve if something happened and they couldn’t wake him up at night. He has a history of lying about drinking, hiding cans/boxes of 12 packs, taking his can collection with him to throw away after he leaves the house, etc.
He does still maintain a full time job with all great deal of responsibility, and has never had a DUI. Two more things he claims are proof that I am exaggerating my concerns in an effort to take our kids away from him.
How in the world do I go about addressing my concerns when it is literally my word against his?
And I guess to piggy back on that, I have concerns for his mental health as well. I have been going to counseling on and off for a long time to treat my anxiety and depression.
His childhood was anything but normal, but I do not want to get into specifics. He is a veteran who served in Afghanistan, his best friend who he served with committed suicide a few years ago, he lost both of his parents in the past 10 years. He isolates himself, refuses to communicate with me, and drinks heavily as I stated earlier. I am not an expert, but I do see signs of narcissism and/or feel like there is emotional abuse toward me and our children to some extent, but again, my word against his.
After years and years of living like this, I know it has had an impact on my mental health as well, which he is very quick to bring up whenever I mention any of my concerns.
I’m wondering what can possibly be done legally to validate my concerns when the time comes.
You will need to file a custody action against him. As your evidence of his drinking, you will be able to testify under oath about things you have personally seen or heard. You can document each day with the date and the events (how many drinks he had, what he was drinking, anything he may have said and done) to help you remember specifics later on. Also, any pictures you may have of the beer cans can be good evidence, as well as checking account/credit card statements that show the alcohol purchases.
At a custody trial, judges will air on the side of caution when it involves minor children, particularly children that are young or have special needs and unable to problem solve, as you said, in the event of an emergency. Hearing your testimony with your additional evidence to back it up will likely cause a judge to put into place an alcohol monitoring system (for example, SoberLink or SMART Start) which will require him to give breath samples and pass them (i.e. blow a 0.0) at different times during his custodial periods with the children, or he will be unable to have visitation with the children.
Anna Ayscue
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm Cary • Chapel Hill • Durham • Raleigh • Wake Forest
Rosen Online | Unlimited confidential access to a North Carolina attorney for $199/mo - click here
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.
I have tried to use photographs in the past when talking to my husband about things I have found after he has hidden evidence, and his response was: You probably planted it there and took a picture. So how can I possibly dispute that?
And while I know and can see in our bank account when he is purchasing beer, but he refuses to provide me with receipts. How can I prove that he is actually purchasing alcohol without receipts? Would a pattern of places and consistent amounts being spent help in any way?
If you used the photos in court to prove a particular point, then your testimony, under oath with the threat of perjury, would be your defense against his claims that you planted the evidence. It is probably best if you stop sharing your photo evidence so you can use it later to your benefit if/when you need it.
A pattern of behavior and repetitive charges to stores that sell alcohol would help you show he is purchasing alcohol, and would also counteract his claims that you planted evidence for a photo if these photos are related to the alcohol.
You can also hire a PI that can legally surveil your husband to determine what he is purchasing at stores.
And anything you see or hear with your own eyes and your own ears is permissible evidence.
Anna Ayscue
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm Cary • Chapel Hill • Durham • Raleigh • Wake Forest
Rosen Online | Unlimited confidential access to a North Carolina attorney for $199/mo - click here
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.
I have already utilized the services of a PI to show proof of an affair. I should have asked to look for evidence related to this topic and killed two birds with one stone 
Thank you for your response. I have not and will not share any documentation of his behavior. I hoped a long time ago it would convince him to get help so that I wouldn’t have to go through an attorney, but I know that will never happen.
I’ve been documenting on and off since he moved back into the house (sort of - which I know makes things much more complicated and I am more concerned about being able to have enough documentation to deal with that situation because he’s refusing to leave at this point). But can you give me an estimate on how much, or over how long of a time period, should I collect before moving forward.
There is no way for me to consult with an attorney without him knowing, and I am pretty sure when he finds out that I have, he will move back out on his own so that I have no way to document his daily consumption.
I actually had a consultation scheduled with your firm a few weeks ago, but cancelled because I felt like I would lose my chance to collect evidence once he found out.
So, I’m trying to keep him at the house and let him believe that I have no intention of following through with this to make it easier for me to document daily for however long I need to.
There is no set amount of evidence to be the right amount. The more you have of different incidences, the better.
Anna Ayscue
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm Cary • Chapel Hill • Durham • Raleigh • Wake Forest
Rosen Online | Unlimited confidential access to a North Carolina attorney for $199/mo - click here
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.