As adults we know that we don’t pick our family, and that even though we may not like all of them we still love them. My mother had very little to do with my sister and I until I was about 20, due to an abusive husband. I can and have delt with the fact that she made that decision to give up a relationship with us and missed our childhood so that we could actually have one and shield us from that life. But since that was the case, my father had custody of us. I had a very difficult relationship with my father. But I realize now that it was so difficult because we were so much alike. That was something that I didn’t want to accept for a long time. I love my father but looking back now, had my situation been different, I probably would have asked not to be made to visit him either.
Your daughter needs to know that when she is grown she can make her own decisions about this but until then you are still making those decisions for her. If her father wasn’t trying then I would say don’t force it, but it sounds like your ex is really trying which is a good thing. It’s not easy for teenage girls to have a relationship with their fathers. This is just my opinion, but I don’t believe that you should stop the visits. To me it would only encourage the belief that if it’s difficult it won’t have to be faced. And we all know how untrue that is. And it would also be working against what your ex is trying to do. She’s 14 so everything is more dramatic, and emotional. Talk to her, if you can, and find out exactly why this is something she wants to do. For her sake, try to keep your own emotions out of the equation and listen to her side. If she can give you a strong valid arguement for not wanting to visit her father then consider waiting until the counseling starts. If it’s just teenage drama, then you should suggest that she adjust her attitude and accept that she is visiting her father. This is just my opinion and I wish you luck. Remembering what I put my father through…I’m glad my husband has boys [;)]
Thanks for your encouragement. I try very hard not to put my own feelings into the situation. I understand where she is coming from though, because he is very difficult to get along with (thus why we are divorced…lol). They are also very much alike and both very stubborn. The biggest difference…and this causes the trouble…she tends to be very quiet and calm while he is very loud. He yells alot and not always for a good reason. She is sensitive and while she used to cry now she just gets mad at him (and cries later). Oh, I hope the counseling can heal their relationship!
It really sounds as though their conflicts and miscommuniction would be helped by counseling. It is important that your daughter learn how to communicate with him and not just avoid him. I agree w/ stepmother that her running from this situation will not help in the long run. Don’t make it too easy for her. She will face difficult people throughout her life.
My 14 year old daughter has complained for months about visiting her father. Their relationship has been strained for years. Now, she has told me that she does not want to ever go to his house again. I know that if we go to court that a judge will most likely honor her request.
My dilemma…should I pursue her request? I believe that she needs to have a relationship with her father, but at this point I feel their visitations are more harmful than anything. He has arranged for counseling, but that wont’ start for several more weeks (due to vacations, etc). Should I stop sending her over until after the counseling has helped them to get along better?