Dealing with rejection


#1

Dear Glad:

You are not alone. I also have clients that have this terrible emotional trauma happen to them after 20 or 30 years of marriage. No matter when it happens, it is never easy. My advice is to look back on how you felt during the marriage. What happy memories do you have? What relationships with others did you create. Relish in those because they made your life enriched. You cannot fix someone else’s cruelty. I doubt that what he said is true and I think that you know deep down inside that your relationship was based on love and mutual respect in the beginning. Start to figure out a plan for the rest of your life - including some recovery time. You can only grow from this. Whatever you do, do not focus on the lies he has told you, but instead focus on the positive aspects of your life together and how you are enriched from knowing him and how you enriched his life. I hope that helps…Best of Luck.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney at Law
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 200
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
NCDivorce.com
919-787-6668

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#2

agreed. I myself just had my wife to leave me on Oct 18th. We were a young couple. Myself just being 24. I enjoyed the 3.5 years of marriage I had with her. We were together for around 6 years. I never knew of any issues with our marriage what so ever. I knew that she had some emotional problems and I tried to get her to talk to me. All she’s done since is shut me out. She moved out and won’t talk to me. She doesn’t want to let any one know where she’s staying. Even shut out her own brother and mother. I know that she’s got another guy now. I myself still value our marriage and time together too much to just “move on” I can’t understand why she really did it or felt she had to. I honestly did my best to treat her like a queen. Never hesitated to show her my feelings toward her or hesitated to bring up any issues I had myself. Mostly it was lack of communication on her side. We rarely argued. And I knew without a doubt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. And I know that she felt the same way. I’ve tried to convince her of marriage counseling or just to talk to me. To explain my questions. But the best she can do is call me while I’m at work while she’s getting more of her stuff from our home together. And just tell me she’s sorry she hurt me. She’s already convinced herself that our marriage failed although she never communicated any problems with me. never tried counseling. She didn’t honestly try. She just gave up and moved on. And that honestly bothers me. I feel like she made a decision about the rest of my life without ever talking to me about it. No real explainations. Just that I have to give up my world of happiness because she thinks its the best thing.


#3

Eagle-i,

I just joined you in “the club” this week. My wife and I moved down here two months ago from Maryland. I was looking for better jobs, we wanted to get out and do more things and thought it was a great area (Triad) in which to raise kids (we didn’t have any yet, but we’ve tried for three years), SO we moved.

Now, she tells me she’s fallen for a guy at work and wants to leave me. Also, she said that she hasn’t loved me for a while and was just looking for an "out."
Apparently, I was only a friend and she should’ve divorced ma a long time ago.

I cook most of the time, take care of the finances, plant trees and mow the lawn, clean at least 50% of the time and have always treated her with respect. Every time we have a problem, she doesn’t want to talk about it-- she shuts me out, too.

Problem is, we just bought a house and truck together. I don’t have a job but I’ve been looking. She’s out on the town tonight doing God knows what and I’m waiting for her to make a decision (she’s still not quite 100% sure she wants to leave me). All she wants to do is have fun-- well, she should’ve told me this five years ago!


#4

Deacons,

Take this for what it’s worth, but it sounds like she’s already made her choice. I would suggest that you consider separating and seeking legal counsel regarding divorce issues. In North Carolina, you can’t file for divorce until you have been separated for one year. If that’s not the direction you want to go, you may want to see if she’s willing to go to counseling. Good luck.

David L. McGuire
Attorney
The Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 200
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
NCdivorce.com
(919)787-6668

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#5

I personally know I want a divorce from my wife. I’m trying my best to get a message to her that I want a seperation agreement now and that way we really won’t have the need to see or talk to each other since. Since the last post. I found out that I know her boyfriend. And that he’s in his early 40’s. And even at that age, he doesn’t have a home and can barely keep his own car running. Although I love the woman that was my wife with all my heart. I’m ready to make the cut. Because I know that even if she did want to come home. That I would never be able to look at her the same. In affection or otherwise. The trust is gone. The love is still there. But with no trust, I know I’d be in a miserable time. Although she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to come home and she finds comfort in trying to put all the blame on me and my family. Although none of us have done a thing to her. I know she’s just looking for her own justifications. And I honestly know i do not need to see or talk to her any more. Even the slightest conversation on the phone is like ripping my insides out all over again.


#6

Eagle-i,
I’m thee with you, my friend. I was dumb enough to think she might want to get counseling for herself or for us, but she just wants to be free. We’re still living together until the separation agreement is finalized and we both sign it. I hate it because she’s going out all the time. I’m still trying to find a job here (I’ve only been in NC a little over two months) but I’ll probably move back to MD. We moved here to better ourselves, but she only cared about herself! She is very evil towards me, and (like in your situation) she blames me for everything. I want to get as far away from my wife as I can, and I hope to find a job soon so I can leave on my terms. Good luck, Eagle-i! We’re both better off!


#7

yeah we are. Hard to see sometimes. But in the longrun. Better things will happen for the both of us :wink:

Although I can’t move :frowning: It’d be hard for me to get a better job than where I’m at now. Plus, my home will be paid off by the time I’m 30. So i’ve still got way too much going for me here to leave. Not to mention this is also where my family lives. NC is a good place to live. Just not a good place to find women and unfortunately, jobs.


#8

Eagle-i,

How’s it going?

My wife is supposed to finally get out of the house tomorrow and we’ll hopefully sign the finalized separation agreement. She was thinking that since I’m unemployed I should leave the house (even though we both own it) and even had her mother call my father to get me to leave! She didn’t even know that her daughter has a boyfriend (and doesn’t believe it), and thinks I’m to blame because I’m unemployed. If that was the case, the divorce rate would be a lot higher than it is!!

My father still doesn’t think she will sign the separation agreement tomorrow, and she may not. I have two job leads and if they don’t pan out I’ll be moving back to Maryland. I hope things are better on your end, Eagle-i.


#9

I’m doing ok. The wife keeps bugging me though. She keeps calling me every other week to arrange a time for her to come and get the rest of her stuff. Then she doesn’t show. Basically, she wants me to leave the door unlocked for her so she can get her stuff while I’m at work. And that isn’t going to happen. Although every time she friggin calls me. Its like ripping open those wounds all over again. Ya know, its not right that under these conditions, I’m obligated by law to give her that stuff. All this stuff I paid for. And when she takes it. Its just like me giving her the money that I put into it and me supporting her and her boyfriend. I get to put in the hard work and dedication and her and boyfriend get to reap the benefits. In my opinion, if a spouse leaves other than for abuse or because of a cheating spouse, then the spouse that stayed true to the marriage should get every thing and have the right to deal with ALL the posessions in the house how ever they see fit. If that were true. I would go get a burning permit tomorrow.


#10
quote:
Originally posted by deacons93
Eagle-i,

How’s it going?

My wife is supposed to finally get out of the house tomorrow and we’ll hopefully sign the finalized separation agreement. She was thinking that since I’m unemployed I should leave the house (even though we both own it) and even had her mother call my father to get me to leave! She didn’t even know that her daughter has a boyfriend (and doesn’t believe it), and thinks I’m to blame because I’m unemployed. If that was the case, the divorce rate would be a lot higher than it is!!

My father still doesn’t think she will sign the separation agreement tomorrow, and she may not. I have two job leads and if they don’t pan out I’ll be moving back to Maryland. I hope things are better on your end, Eagle-i.


Its really sad like that. My mother-in-law does realize I wasn’t at fault though. The truth always comes out. Some way some how, it’ll always surface. That is a guarantee in life. And good luck with those job leads. Although, if you feel for you wife the way that I felt for mine. Then the best thing for ya may be to go to Maryland. I want so bad to get away from here. But I can’t because of all my ties here. I’ve got too much to lose if I move.


#11

I think your wife is playing with you, but I know you don’t need me to tell you that! My wife has now decided not to move out. She wants to wait until I know whether or not I’m moving back to Maryland before she moves out. She’ll stay with other people some nights (like her boyfriend, when he comes home from Atlanta next week) but she doesn’t want to let go of this place. I cashed out my retirement funds (not much, but good enough for a few months) so now she can’t talk about the money issue.

Yeah, I wish the other spouse got all the property, believe me. My wife doesn’t think there should be any consequences at all for what she’s done. I told her that if the shoe were on the other foot, her father (a retired cop) would’ve come down here and dragged me out of the house for leaving his daughter and for cheating on her.

If our wives really wanted it completely over, they would take the steps to end it. They just want to hurt us and play with us until we despise them (it’s working, isn’t it?). Who did we get married to? I feel like I don’t even know my wife at all-- she’s a stranger.

It’s funny-- you want to get out of here so badly and I want to stay! When I went home for Christmas, I realized that it wouldn’t be too bad living back in Maryland. I wanted to start a new life here, and I hope I do, but maybe now I’ll move back to Maryland in a few years or so. My dreams became our dreams, and now my dreams aren’t really the same any more. Eagle-i, I know you can’t leave now, but maybe you’ll be able to some day. There’s so much more to see and do out there. And now that we’re “free,” we need to take advantage of it. Seize the day, you know?

Talk to you soon!


#12

Hi. It’s March 9th of 2006, and I noticed that no one has posted anything on here ever since. I was looking up ‘dealing with rejection’ online, and came across your forum.

I usually don’t read forums, but I was able to relate to the stories I have read here. It’s too bad that it has been inactive, because I found some comfort in reading the painful stories.

I hope up-dates will follow some day, and that everyone with their sad stories found happiness… with themselves… and maybe with a new and better partner.


#13

If you are not a nasty, mean and evil person, don’t do nasty, mean and evil things to your spouse, but don’t let yourself be steamrolled. Don’t try to rationalize mean and evil behavior. If your behavior is mean and evil to your spouse, you are being a mean and evil person.

Is that really who you are?

Is that really what you want to do?

My spouse and I both wanted to separate. My spouse has done some nasty things to me. It hurts - a whole lot, but I will not travel on the road my spouse is travelling on, but sometimes I feel like going down the nasty road too. Don’t do it.


#14

Brank that is the best advice I have heard in a long time the only problem is the longer the pain and lack of resolution goes on the more one becomes like the other “War of the roses”

Disbelief in the system


#15

I just found out after almost 10 years of being with my husband that he never really wanted to be with me at all. We had such a wonderful life together and according to our friends were the “perfect couple.” I am having a very difficult time understanding how after 10 years someone can look at you and honestly say that they never wanted to be with you in the first place and always wished you were with someone else. I feel like he is just trying to hurt me, but seems so sincere in what he is saying. There is another woman in his life now, but he keeps saying that these feelings have nothing to do with her and have always been there. I never had any idea that I was not as he told me - his best friend and companion for life. But, am now beginning to believe that he is truly missing something inside of himself that I nor anyone else will ever be able to fill. Has anyone else ever experienced this? If so, what advice do you have for how to accept that you spent ten years of your life loving someone who never truly loved you?