Finding the strength


#1

Are things amcliable? I “lived” in my ex’s house for about 9 months after the emotional seperation. I had another bedroom and other than house bills I lived as if I were on my own. My reasons for doing this was because of financial means and I would not pull my son out of school which had just started. Is it possible y’all could share the house until it sells or for a spacific alotted time to give her a chince to get on her feet. The only way this works is if both agree to the situation and y’all can live side by side and be respectufl of each other. My fiance and his exwife did the same thing, but for different reasons. It is possible IF you both can be grown ups about beginning to live seperate in the same house. That means respect (keeping visitors, by way of opposite sex kind, out of the house) patience, and a willingness to be polite. A side note… your divorce filing date is one year and one day from the time you have seperate residences, not emotional seperation.


#2

Just do not leave her without communicating first then try to devise a reasonable time line…

My husband recently abandoned me and his step child…just got in the car and drove all the way to North Carolina…I had no clue until days after he arrived there.

Even if the marriage is over, there’s NO reason to destroy someone’s life financially and be the catalyst which makes them homeless.

Even if you ever want to hold your head high…be a man…honor your commitment and vows.

Divorce her yes…but try not to bail…give yourself, her and the vows you took some respect…after all she did mean something to you at one time…she was special right? and most likely so was your marriage?..RESPECT can last long AFTER LOVE FADES…

I think if you at least trying to minimize her financial loss you will have no problem sleeping at night or looking in the mirror.

If you leave without any notice…she will look at you the same way I look at my husband…I ask myself night after night, “Who is this man, what has he become, how could he do this?” The only answer I can come up with is he’s a selfish jerk…

There are many better ways to handle divorce if you really think about it.

My husband said he abandon us because he no longer liked my personality or our prenuptial agreement (yes I came in with asset/nodebt and he camein with debt/miniscule asset)…now his excuse for treating me even worse (because I brake HIS RULES) is that he needs to find himself and become a better person so he will know how to attract a woman with a differant type of personality.

Well, allow me to pose this question…Does he really sound like he has become a better person?

Honestly best of luck…and please please remember, if at all possible, ALWAYS try to be honorable with good character, yourself as wells as others will always be proud of you.

Sincerly,
Betrayed2007


#3

Well since the original post we have gone to counseling. I have made my feelings quite clear. I have been very open and honest about my feelings and she is aware I want to move out of the house at this point in the relationship.

The only reason I have not moved out is an obligation and a responsibility to our finances. We both have spent many years rebuilding our credit and I do not intend to ruin her credit or mine by just walking out the door.

I have found since the original post that I do have the strength to leave but due to the finances I will hold out until we can get these under a little better control.

As I have told her in the session. I love her but I am no longer IN love with her. By the time we separate she should also have the strength to move forward.


#4
quote:
[i]Originally posted by Betrayed2007[/i] [br]Just do not leave her without communicating first then try to devise a reasonable time line.........

My husband recently abandoned me and his step child…just got in the car and drove all the way to North Carolina…I had no clue until days after he arrived there.

Even if the marriage is over, there’s NO reason to destroy someone’s life financially and be the catalyst which makes them homeless.

Even if you ever want to hold your head high…be a man…honor your commitment and vows.

Divorce her yes…but try not to bail…give yourself, her and the vows you took some respect…after all she did mean something to you at one time…she was special right? and most likely so was your marriage?..RESPECT can last long AFTER LOVE FADES…

I think if you at least trying to minimize her financial loss you will have no problem sleeping at night or looking in the mirror.

If you leave without any notice…she will look at you the same way I look at my husband…I ask myself night after night, “Who is this man, what has he become, how could he do this?” The only answer I can come up with is he’s a selfish jerk…

There are many better ways to handle divorce if you really think about it.

My husband said he abandon us because he no longer liked my personality or our prenuptial agreement (yes I came in with asset/nodebt and he camein with debt/miniscule asset)…now his excuse for treating me even worse (because I brake HIS RULES) is that he needs to find himself and become a better person so he will know how to attract a woman with a differant type of personality.

Well, allow me to pose this question…Does he really sound like he has become a better person?

Honestly best of luck…and please please remember, if at all possible, ALWAYS try to be honorable with good character, yourself as wells as others will always be proud of you.

Sincerly,
Betrayed2007



#5
quote:
[i]Originally posted by Charnese[/i] [br]
quote:
[i]Originally posted by Betrayed2007[/i] [br]Just do not leave her without communicating first then try to devise a reasonable time line.........

My husband recently abandoned me and his step child…just got in the car and drove all the way to North Carolina…I had no clue until days after he arrived there.

Even if the marriage is over, there’s NO reason to destroy someone’s life financially and be the catalyst which makes them homeless.

Even if you ever want to hold your head high…be a man…honor your commitment and vows.

Divorce her yes…but try not to bail…give yourself, her and the vows you took some respect…after all she did mean something to you at one time…she was special right? and most likely so was your marriage?..RESPECT can last long AFTER LOVE FADES…

I think if you at least trying to minimize her financial loss you will have no problem sleeping at night or looking in the mirror.

If you leave without any notice…she will look at you the same way I look at my husband…I ask myself night after night, “Who is this man, what has he become, how could he do this?” The only answer I can come up with is he’s a selfish jerk…

There are many better ways to handle divorce if you really think about it.

My husband said he abandon us because he no longer liked my personality or our prenuptial agreement (yes I came in with asset/nodebt and he camein with debt/miniscule asset)…now his excuse for treating me even worse (because I brake HIS RULES) is that he needs to find himself and become a better person so he will know how to attract a woman with a differant type of personality.

Well, allow me to pose this question…Does he really sound like he has become a better person?

Honestly best of luck…and please please remember, if at all possible, ALWAYS try to be honorable with good character, yourself as wells as others will always be proud of you.

Sincerly,
Betrayed2007


Charnese Cherry


Charnese Cherry


#6

If you would invest half the time it takes to try to work on your marriage now as you will have to invest into getting a divorce and then trying to heal emotionally from that divorce then you would be a wise person. Divorce is devastating to the ego, self-esteem and every aspect of your life: spiritual, financial, emotional, mental and even physical. Unless there is real abuse going on, divorce is most likely NOT the right answer.

Feelings of “love” naturally fade after about 6 years of marriage for most couples. How many long-term couples still look like the are “in love” with each other? Marriage is about a lot more than love. It is about building a respectful and mutually satisfying relationship. “Romantic love” is fleeting and rarely lasts for many years. A couple married for 25 years might still love each other deeply, but not feel much romantic love anymore. This is normal.

My mother has been married 3 times. My father, 3 times. My grandmother 3 times. My grandfather 5 times. If I added in my uncles, aunts and others the list would go on and on. I have recently remarried also. I can tell you this: divorce has crippled every single one of us - from our finances to our emotional well being. Divorce is not the answer you are looking for.

Even if your spouse isn’t agreeable, buy and study good books on rescuing marriages. Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner Davis is a good one. Rebuild the lines of communication. Perform acts of service for your wife without any expectation of reciprocation. Don’t throw away something as important as your marriage for something as stupid as “we don’t love each other anymore.” When your child gets sick do you throw it away or disown it? Or do you take it to the doctor and nurse him until he is better? Treat your marriage the same way.

You say you are ready to move on so you can heal. Divorce will tear a hole in your heart that may never be fixed. Others in this forum will tell you the same thing. If you want healing, heal your marriage - because divorce rarely brings healing.


#7

I’m going to have to disagree. I did not love my ex, but I stayed years in the marrage past where I just didn’t care. I wanted the nuclear family for my son. In the end I was lucky enough to get out before my ex self destructed. I am a stronger, happier person and a great mother. Staying, I was teaching my son that it is okay to give up yourself in order to make someone else happy. That is not true. You cannot “make” somone else happy. That is their choice; a person can control no one but themselves and their own future. My son had a hard time the first year or so, but he came through strong and aware that just because things don’t work out the way you wanted at the time, doesn’t mean they work out bad. I have had no regrets on my seperation and divorce, other than I wish I would have done it YEARS sooner.


#8

After 6 years my marriage is ending. I have been miserable in the relationship for the last 2 and the wife has know this. She was aware of my feelings and was well aware i wanted to fix things in the marriage. For 2 years she has done nothing to help fix things. During the 2 years I began to distance myself from her so it would not hurt as much.

This past weekend she finally decided she wanted to fix things. But after 2 years of trying and distancing myself I have gotten to the point that I don’t want to fix thing and I am tired of being miserable. I told her over the weekend exactly how I feel and yes she was understandably upset.

Long story short. I am ready to move on so I can begin to heal. The problem I face is how? I have no family down here, I can’t just leave my job and move back to live with family. Since we moved down here 6 years ago we never really met people here. Both her and I worked a lot of hours and never had the time for an outside life due to kids (all grown and out of the house). We both spent a few years rebuilding our credit and we own our home. I know if I move out and get an apartment I will have to use my paycheck for rent, food, utilities, etc. I am not the type of person to strand someone and if I moved out thats what would happen. I know she could not afford the house payments, etc. I don’t want to stay but I am feel I am pretty much trapped. I know by staying I am also making her miserable and I don’t want to hurt her any more than I have.

I also tend to put other people first to make them happy even if I am absolutely miserable. I am to the point now I can remain miserable like this any longer. I have no idea if this post made any sense at all since I am on little sleep and lots of coffee.

I guess I am asking how do you move forward when you don’t have the means to do so? How do I move forward without hurting her more than I have? I was very angry that she never wanted to try during the last 2 years and her response was she wasn’t ready. So she is fully aware of the situation and my feelings and has been for many years.