When do you know it's time


#1

Im no attorney, but I’ll give you my advice. If you think there is a chance, then by all means give it all you have. Dont walk away from something like this, and 2 months later think you could have worked it out. Just make sure you have done all you know to do…marriage counceling, books, etc…just my 2 cents


#2

Thanks mercman, that is what I keep telling myself but after almost 4 months of this I just don’t know if I should keep trying. We went to one session of marriage counseling and that is it, she doesn’t want to try to go. I can’t figure out what I need to do, the ultimate goal would be to save my marriage but I am starting to feel like I am being used just to pay the mortgage. Now I am paying that mortgage along with rent. Others keep telling me not to feel like I’m being used but I can’t help but to think this is the case.

Some days are better than others, I guess the feeling of being used really hits me when I go to our house that I no longer live in and I begin to feel this way. This was my dream house and we just purchased it in July 07, I see her family coming over and helping to fix the house up and I feel more like someone who pays the bills and that’s the only reason I exist with her.


#3

Im sure you are giving her that security. But to me, it sounds like you still love her. If you had no feelings left for her, you would find a way out of putting all that money into that house. I think you see what you want, you just dont have a partner who is ready to re-commit.
All that I can really say at this point is this, be the best man you can be, for yourself, and if that means providing a home for her right now, then thats what it means. But dont do it, and expect a payback, go home, look yourself in the mirror, and know that that man is doing everything he can do to save his marriage. If you pay the house payment, and expect her to love you for that, you will be let down. She will come around to you when you pay the bills, and never say a word about it. You have to have her respect before she can love you again.
I dont know if any of this helps, I may be way off because I dont know the details, but good luck to you, Im in a very hurtful situation myself, and all we can do is our best.


#4

It sounds like you both are in a terrible situation. I would suggest getting the separation agreement regardless of whether you feel that this can be salvaged. A separation agreement can protect you both. You can spell out what you will be willing to pay and how long and also the child support/custody. Come up with a separation agreement of your own and see if you can get the ball rolling. You can always have it voided if you reconcile for a certain period of time. But be cautious on that…don’t let her reconcile just to get something changed.
If you have attempted to do everything that you can think of then you need quit beating yourself up. If you feel you are being taken advantage of then maybe you are…I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t try to salvage your marriage but you know your wife. You know if she is stalling…Slow down and think about all the actions and what your instinct is telling you. If you feel like you are being used then maybe you are…
I’m not saying that she doesn’t have sincere feelings, but as I’ve posted before; it takes two to make a marriage work.
You say she’s not happy being married, but she’s not happy separated…and that makes sense. Just because you are doing the right thing for you does not mean that it’s easy and pleasant. Even the one leaving hurts and will go back and forth on the decision. It’s too difficult so you may as well get back together…but then the next week realize that you were right to want to separate to begin with…sometimes it’s easier to be in a miserable situation than it is to face the unknown.

If this was your dream home and she is the one who wanted to separate, why did you leave? Do you not feel you are entitled to be the one living in the home??

The bottom line is this: You are the only one who will have to live with the consequences and repercussions of these decisions…not your friends, not your family, judges, attorneys or co-workers. You, your ex, and your children are the only ones. Keep reading on this forum and take some time to decide what YOU want to happen with your marriage and your life and go from there.
I’ve always felt that it’s time when you start to question if it’s time…


#5

The best advice I can give you is; If you can work it out then do so for yourself and the children. It is amazing how you can learn so much about your spouse from counceling that you never knew Example-(What they really want that they never told you.) You both really have to be commited to it to make it work and it will alwso make you a much better person realizing the others wants and needs and what you as a person can give and receive to make each other happier.
My situation is a little different but my husband left and is still paying all the bills and I’m sure he feels the same as you do but in my eyes it is the right thing to do for your family if your spouse can not afford to do it and you can. The seperation agreement will help with those decisions but think about it-Do you want your children to go thru yet another huge lifestyle change in having to possibly move them out of that home if your wife cant afford it or if she doesn’t work to have to go back to work and then put kids in childcare (if that age. My belief is if it can be avoided and the both of you can commit to working it out than do so to keep the FAMILY together.


#6

The problem is I am willing to try and work things out but I’m not sure that she is.

As far as the house goes, my wife does work, she is paying the utilities and all, I am paying the house payment which is a huge number. When we first talked about seperating, we both agreed that we would sell the house as neither of us would be able to afford it by ourselves. As time has passed, that seemed to get swepted under the rug so to speak. I am renting now, I will not be able to buy another house until this one is out of my name. I do not want to end our marriage as I have done everything I can possibly to do help myself, along with personal counseling to make me a better person, she feels that if she let me come back home then we would be right back where we were in a years time. Our kids are building resentment toward her and yet she will not even talk to them about the seperation, she acts like they are fine and its the best for them. They will talk to me and it hurts to hear what they have to say. They want there family back together. I do not want to hurt them at all, but I have to make a decision soon on what is best for me also when it comes down to going forward. I tried talking to her again yesterday about the house, does she want to keep it or sell it, I get the same answer I have been getting for the past month, “I don’t know” There has to come a time when a decision is going to be made. I don’t know what she’s holding out for.


#7

If she is not talking to the children then make sure that you do. Let them vent, let them be mad, angry, sad or whatever it is that they feel. It’s normal and you have to help them understand that though it affects them, it’s not in their control. Make sure that they know you love them and are there for them 24/7.

How do you see this ending? Do you believe that you will get her to change her mind, move back in, go to counseling and be a “happy” family again? Do you still love her and are you willing to accept her the way she is right now? What happens if she decides that she wants to make things work and you realize that you’re not so sure. It’s been my experience that it’s very difficult to go back to feeling like you did before a split up…
I know that you have to work at making a marriage work. It takes two people giving 100% almost every day…but, IMHO, it should not be forced. If you are forcing yourself to have feelings…if you are forcing yourself to want this to work, then you already have your answer.
A decision doesn’t have to be made because there’s no reason to make one…You decided upon separating that the home would be sold but this has been working since November so why change things now?
If you tied the decision to sell the house to the two of you getting back together then the decision to sell the house would seem to be a decision that neither of you are willing to make because that would mean that you are getting divorced…
So you keep asking, “Are you willing to work this out?” and “Are you going to sell the house?” means that she has one decision to make…sell the house and divorce or work things out and keep the house. Your asking for an answer to both questions essentially with one answer.

IMHO, it sounds as though you want to get on with your life with or without this marriage, as long as you aren’t the one deciding.
If you are able to afford to rent and pay the house payment, without knowing the details, it sounds as though you could afford the home on your own…again, just my opinion though.

Again, I will state that this is just my opinion. You can not force this to work out if she doesn’t want it to…I’m sorry to say. If you are bound and determined to make this then pull out all the stops. Romance her, continue counseling, get her to go with you…do whatever you can do to show her you’re willing to do whatever necessary to make this marriage work, but please…for both your sakes, get a separation agreement. You may never have to use it but it will protect both of you and who knows…maybe seeing it in print will be the push that gets a decision made one way or the other…
I’ll keep you in my thoughts.


#8

My decision is not to end the marriage, I want it to work out more than anything but sometimes in the back of your mind you wonder how long you can keep going like this. I do not want to sell the house at all. That is not my intentions, but I guess I am more looking for the answer to this puzzle. If she decides to sell then I know that we are over, by keep hanging on to it, it leads me to believe there is still hope. Although there is hope, I can’t get her to commit to anything as far as going forward to work things out. This is where being on the fence comes in. She will not commit to selling the house, working out our marriage or doing anything to move forward. That is why I am lost.

As far as keeping the house for myself, I don’t really see how I could do that along with paying child support if it comes to that and who knows what else.


#9

Unfortunately, if you are separated, you should already be paying some child support unless you both make about the same amount of money. That is yet another reason to attempt the equal time custody…along with that being the best situation (in most cases) for the children, it would also mean a little less in child support. Child support is based on incomes, # of overnights, insurance and child care expenses paid.

Playing Devil’s advocate: What if she decides that she does not want to work things out but she also doesn’t want to sell the home and move? Either spouse can ask for alimony or PSS if the other spouse makes more money so if she decided this, got alimony and child support, might it be possible for her to keep the home?

I’m not suggesting that you can not work things out, but sometimes things like this can not be rushed.
My husband and I are friends with a couple who have been married about 15 years or so…three children. They separated after their second child approximately 5-6 years ago. They went through the year dividing things up, fighting about custody and got all the way to being in the attorney’s office to sign the final divorce papers and decided to give it another chance. They reconciled, had another child but separated again this past October (her choice)…at first, they went on dates…she still did his laundry (she took the washing machine/dryer when she moved out) and even went on a camping trip together. Beginning the new year, he decided to “cut her off” finacially so that she would be forced to get a job and pay her own rent…things got ugly and now he is selling the home and fighting to keep his business by searching for proof of infidelity and trying to keep the children out of it.

Legally, after one year and one day either of you can file for divorce and the other does not have to agree to it for it to become final after a certain amount of time. Do you believe your wife to be the type that could leave you “on the fence” like this until the time is up and then just file for divorce?
There is no such thing as “legal separation” in NC but a separation agreement, in most cases, does keep ED, custody issues and other issues from having to be decided by the courts.
Also, until custody is agreed on or decided in court, both parents have equal rights to the custody and care of the children…another reason for the separation agreement. As things stand now, you are essentially giving her primary physical custody because this would be setting a precedent if this becomes an issue in the future. If you want more time with your children then you need to get more time with them now. Please do not wait on this…

What I’m saying is this: If you BOTH want things to work then the reasons that this separation was necessary must be looked at. You must both go to counseling, separate and together.
If you have decided you want this marriage but that you are not going to act on anything until you know what her decision is, then you must be prepared for either outcome.


#10

stepmother, I am paying a $2300 mortgage on the house right now along with insurance, she is paying utilities along with child care after school which equates to the same as insurance. She does work but does not make what I make.

I am aware that if we go forward with this then she could possibly get enough from child support and alimony to pay the house payment, not sure how she could get it financed in her name alone but I guess anything can happen.

I was living almost 1.5 hours away until last week when I finally got my own place, now I am 3 miles away. I told her I wanted the kids every other week and she told me NO, we would keep the same arrangement we had when I lived away which was I would pick the kids up from school one day a week and have them every other weekend although I can come see them at there practices. Can she do this? Neither of us have filed papers yet, I have talked to an attorney to find out where things may end up, she has yet to do so or at least that is what I am told.

I want nothing more than to save our marriage, I have held off on pursuing seperation papers with a lawyer although I may be getting close. I can not get her to sit down and do anything when it comes to this, she keeps putting it off, hence the part of feeling used or the part of maybe she does want to work it out but now is the right time. That is where I am on the fence with this.


#11

Ping1, You have rights…CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IMMEDIATELY and stop allowing her to call the shots!


#12

Thanks Kenmore, I am going to contact one tomorrow. I talked to my wife tonight and she says she has no intentions of working things out right now. I asked her if the kids could come over every other week and stay and she said no. Does she have the power to do this? I really wanted to work things out but only person can’t do it alone, I have done everything I can possibly do. She told me I couldn’t take nothing from the house so I had to buy new furniture for the place I’m renting. I know it will probably get ugly, I feel for the most part, the worst is over in that this has been going on for almost 4 months now and the crying and hurt and feeling sorry for yourself are behind me although I still do hurt.


#13

Legally, you are entitled to 1/2 the marital assets, which means anything from the home or she must reimburse you for the value. Just the same way she is responsible for 1/2 the marital debt, up to the date of separation. This is where a separation agreement comes in. In the agreement you would take the TV but she keeps the washer/dryer. You take the sofa but she keeps the bed…things like that.

She can NOT keep the children away from you. You both have equal rights to the children. And the children have the right to have you both in their lives.

Let me say that if it does get ugly you can console yourself with the fact that you did attempt everything possible. Don’t let your feelings cloud the issues that will come up. Talk to a co-worker, doctor, friend or family. Someone that will be on your side that can tell you when/if you are being too nice. Don’t make the mistake of only talking to the attorney about this, he can protect you legally, but he/she will get paid regardless of whether or not you lose everything. I’m not saying not to trust him but remember that they do not have to live with the outcome. Pick your battles on Equitable Distribution. Do not give up on attempting to get joint physical custody with equal time, and you have to specify the equal time. NC defaults to joint legal custody if it’s not specified.

And that I hope for your sake and that of your children that this IS the worst of it. Keep us posted and hang in there.


#14

Hang in there Ping1…these can definitely be some very difficult times.


#15

My advice is that divorce is about business. I know that you may stil have feelings for your spouse, but you do have to be smart! If the spouse doesn’t want to work it out, then you must proceed to take care of you and the children. Her/his concerns can no longer be your own and you have to think about moving forward. I would just speak with an attorney or mediator to get advice. Aagin, after a while it does become about business.


#16

I will try to make this short but I am in need of answers from others who have been through divorce and seperation. My wife and I seperated in November, we were married for 14 years. I was bad about being verbally abusive to her. I recently just got a place of my own, I was staying with my parents after the seperation and decided I had to get closer to having a life and that was not going to happen staying with my family.

The problem I am facing is my wife will not sit down and come up with a seperation agreement as we first agreed to. Instead she keeps putting it off and I feel it’s leaving me on hold. Believe me, I want to work out our problems but one day I feel like she also wants to work them and out and other days I feel she doesn’t. Last week she told me she was not happy being married but she isn’t happy now either. We have two kids and I want to see them more than I am able to right now which is every other weekend along with activities they are involved in.

I am lost on do I persue the seperation agreement through attorneys or do I give it more time and hope that she will come around and want to save the marriage. Again, some days I see her wanting to save it and other days I don’t. What gives? This past week alone we went out to eat 3 different times with the kids. She did state that she could be professional about the divorce and of course this has me on the fence.

Part of me feels that this can be saved and then another part of me feels that I am being used to pay the mortgage on the house. I have tried to get her to put the house on the market or to buy me out although I don’t see how she would be able to do this and get it financed in her name alone. I need others on here to tell me what you think that have been through this, I am looking for answers, do I give it more time and see if the marriage can be saved, or do I persue an attorney and start the process myself? Pleae give me your advice on this matter.