Ex and girlfriend trying to change sep. aggrement


#1

If you have a current agreement and do not want to change the terms then do not sign. The only way that the alimony deduction and medical would be changed is if the wording in your signed agreement states that as some point or because of stated reason this could be changed. If your ex wants the custody changed then he will need to go to court to modify custody and it will be on his dime and his responsibility to show the court why this custody situation should now be changed. It’s not necessarily a bad thing for the custody to be modified, though it will change the amount of child support, but the rest of the stuff would be separate issues with the courts. I suggest that you let him start that ball rolling if he can afford to take that back to court…


#2

Do you have something in your separation agreement that states a specified period of time when your ex will cover medical insurance for you? If you are not comfortable w/ the addendum then I would write up a version that you are comfortable w/ and present it to them. If the two parties cannot agree then it will be up to your ex to get legal help on this and evenutally you both will probably have to involve lawyers or take it to court yourselves. Most courts will look favorably on a father trying to increase visitation/custody unless there are other issues like drugs, arrest, abuse etc.


#3

Why wouldn’t most courts look favorably on a mother maintaining the pre-determined custody/support arrangements that both parties agreed too. Why didn’t the father try to get more custody/visitation in the beginning? Just trying to figure it all out. I would never interfere with my son’s relationship with his father, but I believe this is a control issue with my ex. He also told me that I am not allowed to have any contact with my son until he returns from spring break next monday night. I have NEVER done that to him. How can you reason with a person like that?

quote:
[i]Originally posted by mal[/i] [br]Do you have something in your separation agreement that states a specified period of time when your ex will cover medical insurance for you? If you are not comfortable w/ the addendum then I would write up a version that you are comfortable w/ and present it to them. If the two parties cannot agree then it will be up to your ex to get legal help on this and evenutally you both will probably have to involve lawyers or take it to court yourselves. Most courts will look favorably on a father trying to increase visitation/custody unless there are other issues like drugs, arrest, abuse etc.

#4

Well, to play devil’s advocate to this situation…When my husband went through his separation and divorce one of the children was very young and he felt it was in the child’s best interest not to push for joint custody at that time. He did when the child was older and really began to show us that he wanted and needed more time w/ Dad, though children aren’t often able to articulate this for fear of hurting the other parent. Custody/visitation often changes as children grow older. Typically teens don’t want to really be with either parent but will opt to stay w/ one and visit the other on their own schedule because their lives are so busy.
The key is to be flexible and keep your child’s needs in mind. As far as the no contact thing. I think that sometimes having the other parent repeatedly call the child during the other parent’s time is seen as controlling and manipulative, but it depends on the adults and the age of the child. In our situation we don’t ever stop him if he wants to call mom, nor do we ignore mom’s calls, but sometimes it feels like she is trying to insinuate herself into our time with him or make him miss if she calls him daily during our time.


#5

I’d have to agree with mal on this.
On the no contact issue, as I said before, this is your ex’s custodial time with the child and therefore does not have to include you. I suggest asking if the child could contact you at least once during this time frame. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a phone call just to check in with you. If it’s a control issue then the best bet is to allow him to control it,(or at least feel like he does). If he does not control anything else in his son’s life then he probably does at least want to control the time they have together. Ask him to allow your son to call you one time in the middle of this time frame. Negotiate as much as you can but keep in mind that this is his time.

On the other changes, I would do as mal suggested, either make changes to or draw up a proposal of your own. Let him know that you will not sign anything that you are not comfortable with. Talk to him about why these changes are being asked for when they have not been an issue in the past. Maybe he’s planning to marry his gf and there just isn’t enough for him to continue paying alimony and covering you on insurance. Maybe his gf is suggesting that he should see if you will allow some of this stuff to change since to an outsider it may seem like he got the short end of the divorce stick…
The main point is do NOT compromise on the stuff that means something to you. Would you be able to live without the alimony? Could you get your own medical coverage? For whatever reason, you have the right to refuse to have these important issues changed if your agreement is solid.

It’s important to be flexible where the children are concerned but as far as something agreed to 5 years ago and should be changed…things change very quickly with children. One parent inevitably misses out on part of the childhood because they are not the primary custodial parent.
IMHO, unless that child is neglected, or abused by that parent then there is no reason they should not be given the opportunity to be as big a part of that child’s life as they wish to be. What they choose to do with that opportunity is up to them. But as I said previously, changing the number of overnights or custody will change child support amounts also.
It may be that you would be willing to give a little on some of the time without all this going to court, but make sure that the ex knows that this is a trial basis and that it is not necessary to go back to court for this. It’s better for everyone involved if court is the LAST choice.
The courts look more favorably at a father attempting to have more time with his child/children than a mother that is keeping the child away. Maybe you could suggest some minor changes until your son reaches a certain age and then discuss further changes.
Sometimes it’s just a good idea to not change a custody situation until a certain age or until the child can specify reasoning behind their desire to stay with a specific parent.

Maybe he is just trying to see if you are willing to give a little on anything and if he doesn’t ask will never know. Sort of a “Ask for everything but will settle for a lot less”…
Instead of just asking, they have written up a sort of “proposal” to see if you will sign it. Make changes as necessary, have an attorney look over it, but do not sign anything that you are not comfortable with. When you feel that you have compromised enough on this and the ex will just not meet you halfway, you need to put your foot down. Make sure though that you are on solid ground. Make sure that what you do not compromise on is within your rights. Reread your agreement/order. See if there’s any loophole or phrasing that could be misunderstood. Make sure that if you send back their “proposal” with any changes it’s clear what those changes are and still do not sign it until it’s been discussed and can be signed and notarized. If you are not agreeing to these changes then make sure to send back that refusal in writing. You don’t have to elaborate with the reasons why if you do not feel it is necessary. He agreed to this and legally can be held to that agreement until the terms are met.


#6

Very good points all the way around. I’m seeking legal advice tomorrow in regards to his proposal. I have been as compromising as I will be. I’ve already voluntarily got my own benefits and have always given him more ‘time’ with our child, always. I have never refused him contact with our son no matter what. I have always told him he can come and see our son anytime, OPEN door policy. I just want to be treated in the same regard. I’m definately not harrassing his new family. Just wanting to touch base with my lil’ guy. Lil’ boys need their daddy’s and I would never take that away. that would be the worse thing I could do. The love I have for my son is just so overwheliming it is excrusiating to go days without even speaking to him. I’m trying to learn how to let go of that, but I just can’t find a way or do I think it is a bad thing…

quote:
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br]I'd have to agree with mal on this. On the no contact issue, as I said before, this is your ex's custodial time with the child and therefore does not have to include you. I suggest asking if the child could contact you at least once during this time frame. There's nothing wrong with asking for a phone call just to check in with you. If it's a control issue then the best bet is to allow him to control it,(or at least feel like he does). If he does not control anything else in his son's life then he probably does at least want to control the time they have together. Ask him to allow your son to call you one time in the middle of this time frame. Negotiate as much as you can but keep in mind that this is his time.

On the other changes, I would do as mal suggested, either make changes to or draw up a proposal of your own. Let him know that you will not sign anything that you are not comfortable with. Talk to him about why these changes are being asked for when they have not been an issue in the past. Maybe he’s planning to marry his gf and there just isn’t enough for him to continue paying alimony and covering you on insurance. Maybe his gf is suggesting that he should see if you will allow some of this stuff to change since to an outsider it may seem like he got the short end of the divorce stick…
The main point is do NOT compromise on the stuff that means something to you. Would you be able to live without the alimony? Could you get your own medical coverage? For whatever reason, you have the right to refuse to have these important issues changed if your agreement is solid.

It’s important to be flexible where the children are concerned but as far as something agreed to 5 years ago and should be changed…things change very quickly with children. One parent inevitably misses out on part of the childhood because they are not the primary custodial parent.
IMHO, unless that child is neglected, or abused by that parent then there is no reason they should not be given the opportunity to be as big a part of that child’s life as they wish to be. What they choose to do with that opportunity is up to them. But as I said previously, changing the number of overnights or custody will change child support amounts also.
It may be that you would be willing to give a little on some of the time without all this going to court, but make sure that the ex knows that this is a trial basis and that it is not necessary to go back to court for this. It’s better for everyone involved if court is the LAST choice.
The courts look more favorably at a father attempting to have more time with his child/children than a mother that is keeping the child away. Maybe you could suggest some minor changes until your son reaches a certain age and then discuss further changes.
Sometimes it’s just a good idea to not change a custody situation until a certain age or until the child can specify reasoning behind their desire to stay with a specific parent.

Maybe he is just trying to see if you are willing to give a little on anything and if he doesn’t ask will never know. Sort of a “Ask for everything but will settle for a lot less”…
Instead of just asking, they have written up a sort of “proposal” to see if you will sign it. Make changes as necessary, have an attorney look over it, but do not sign anything that you are not comfortable with. When you feel that you have compromised enough on this and the ex will just not meet you halfway, you need to put your foot down. Make sure though that you are on solid ground. Make sure that what you do not compromise on is within your rights. Reread your agreement/order. See if there’s any loophole or phrasing that could be misunderstood. Make sure that if you send back their “proposal” with any changes it’s clear what those changes are and still do not sign it until it’s been discussed and can be signed and notarized. If you are not agreeing to these changes then make sure to send back that refusal in writing. You don’t have to elaborate with the reasons why if you do not feel it is necessary. He agreed to this and legally can be held to that agreement until the terms are met.



#7

sounds like your son has a big role in your life and that is wonderful, but also a little concerning for the both of you. Kids are so sensitive to the moods of adults and the last thing that you want to project to your son is that you can’t make it without him or that your life revolves around him.


#8

That is so true. I’m trying to figure that out myself.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by mal[/i] [br]sounds like your son has a big role in your life and that is wonderful, but also a little concerning for the both of you. Kids are so sensitive to the moods of adults and the last thing that you want to project to your son is that you can't make it without him or that your life revolves around him.

#9

The amendment to the agreement cannot be enforced unless you mutually agree.

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#10

The plot thickens. I have attempted to reconsile on several occassions and it may be time for court. Help? Ex’s girlfriend wrote up an addemdem to our exisiting sep. agree. It states absolution of medical for me, deductions in alimony support and an entire visitation schedule change allowing more overnights with ex. If I don’t sign this surely he cannont enforce this?