Suttle Threat from ex


#1

Spending more time doesn’t mean ‘living with’.

If your son’s Dad wants to spend more time with him, he certainly has a right to. Even if that means going to court to get more visitation time if you aren’t willing to allow it without an order. If he is talking about overnights, then if you can’t agree to that, then he’ll have to take it to court.

I didn’t read anything threatening in his post other than his desire to spend more time with his son. He wasn’t SPECIFIC in what that entailed, so you may want to ask specifically what he’s asking for.


#2

Thing is he spends alot of time. The only days he misses is MOn. Tued. and Thur. Otherwise week-ends are split, he gets the mid week visit, everyother year for holidays, long summers, spring break… all the bells and whistles. I should have been more specific. If her really wanted to spend quality time then I would be all for it. Last time I agreed to more time he was put with a babysitter and the rest of the time is spent with the girlfriends son and not with dad. He is trying to get to the magic 123 overnights to stop child support. I’m not looking for emotional advice just legal advice.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by comingclean2[/i] [br]Spending more time doesn't mean 'living with'.

If your son’s Dad wants to spend more time with him, he certainly has a right to. Even if that means going to court to get more visitation time if you aren’t willing to allow it without an order. If he is talking about overnights, then if you can’t agree to that, then he’ll have to take it to court.

I didn’t read anything threatening in his post other than his desire to spend more time with his son. He wasn’t SPECIFIC in what that entailed, so you may want to ask specifically what he’s asking for.



#3

From what I understand in reading this, it means that he wants to modify your current agreement so that you have joint custody with equal time. If your current agreement shows you as being the primary custodial parent then your ex is letting you know that he will be filing for custody. Since your current custody arrangment is not a court order, it can be filed with the courts as if there is no current arrangement. You do not have to go to court and fight this. You can go to mediation and work out the details and schedule and have joint custody with equal time.

It sounds as though your ex is not planning to request primary custody, but rather joint custody with equal time. He will have to show the court that it is in the child’s best interest to change the current custody but it’s not unusual for this to happen. You will have to show why it is not in the child’s best interest to change the current situation and why it would not be better for your child to spend an equal amount of time with his father. More courts are seeing joint custody with equal time as being in the best interest of the child. The courts would like both parents to be as involved in a child’s life as possible.

Since you have obviously discussed this with your son also, is it possible that your son is telling you both what you want to hear? Not to sound too harsh, but just because an arrangement works for a period of time, does not mean that it will always work. As the child gets older schedules get rearranged, the child’s needs change…any number of things can happen. It’s just not realistic to think that another arrangement can not work. But that’s just my opinion.


#4

I always love your advice. thank you.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br]From what I understand in reading this, it means that he wants to modify your current agreement so that you have joint custody with equal time. If your current agreement shows you as being the primary custodial parent then your ex is letting you know that he will be filing for custody. Since your current custody arrangment is not a court order, it can be filed with the courts as if there is no current arrangement. You do not have to go to court and fight this. You can go to mediation and work out the details and schedule and have joint custody with equal time.

It sounds as though your ex is not planning to request primary custody, but rather joint custody with equal time. He will have to show the court that it is in the child’s best interest to change the current custody but it’s not unusual for this to happen. You will have to show why it is not in the child’s best interest to change the current situation and why it would not be better for your child to spend an equal amount of time with his father. More courts are seeing joint custody with equal time as being in the best interest of the child. The courts would like both parents to be as involved in a child’s life as possible.

Since you have obviously discussed this with your son also, is it possible that your son is telling you both what you want to hear? Not to sound too harsh, but just because an arrangement works for a period of time, does not mean that it will always work. As the child gets older schedules get rearranged, the child’s needs change…any number of things can happen. It’s just not realistic to think that another arrangement can not work. But that’s just my opinion.



#5

Do any of you see problems with an overnight in the middle of the week for the non-custodial parent and a disruption of the childrens school schedule. Friends have said that as their children got older they can see that it was not in the best interest of the children; but how do you prove this; is their any know literature out there?
Some situations are presented as a power play; but the best interest of the children is/should come first.

do you really lose child support if you don’t have the children 123 day?


#6

Baba -
My husband and I have my stepsons one night out of this week and their mother has them one night next week. They go to the same school that they previously went to. They have joint custody with equal time. She works nights so she can not keep them an entire week. Last night they stayed at their grandmother’s and tonight they are with us because she has to work. Next week, she is off on Wed & Thurs. so she has a night with them (Wed) and a night off without them (Thurs). It sounds a lot more complicated than it is, but it used to be two nights here, three nights there…
If the child has tremendous amounts of homework or visitations are a considerable distance from the school then the mid-week visit may cause some issues. Some of the schools, like our system, issue the child two sets of books. They take a set home and keep a set at school because they do not have lockers. We do all the school projects at our home.
It all comes down to what can be worked out. In some situations joint custody with equal time can not work. In some situations it can work great. And there are always going to be challenges, which is why with joint custody the parents must be able to work together.
The point is that the child has a right to spend as much time with one parent as they do the other. The child has the right to see their father as much as they do their mother and vice versa. The child has the right not to have to choose. Should the child be deprived of their rights because the parents can not get along and work out a schedule? Should the child be made to suffer because one parent does not think that the other has the child’s best interest in mind?

Yes, if your number of overnights change it can affect the amount of child support that you receive.
I believe that for some parents it is always about the money whereas others, I believe they would continue to pay child support even if they had the child full time just to keep them out of an unhealthy atmostphere and keep the other parent happy.

To my knowledge the proof is on a case by case basis. There are no two families alike so there is no “standard” by which to base anything on. Everyone has a different schedule, lifestyle, and personality. What one family can resolve, others could not imagine even being put in the position to decide. You do what you feel is best for your child. If dividing time with the other parent is proving detrimental to the child then there will be signs. If it’s a “powerplay”, I’m sure that there will be signs of that also.


#7

I agree with Stepmother. In my case, in the beginning my kids were 8 and 5. Dad had one overnight a week (he lived in the same city). He got them to school and everything. It was kind of a hassle to pack them up and try to keep schedules in place. The kids didn’t have their own ‘things’ at his place…and still do not. They liked seeing their Dad, but didn’t like rushing around to pack up and make sure they had everything they needed for the next day.

Today, they’re older, and if you asked them now-they would say they would rather stay at home (with me). My son works and he gets off at 10:00. He drives across the city to ‘spend the night’. This will also be the case when my daughter is able to have a job. They don’t even take clothes now. They come home early, and get ready for school and catch the bus/drive from my house.

Every case is different. At one point, the Dad DID threaten to have the visitation changed because of money. But he never persued it. He got re-married and I believe the new wife liked the fact that she didn’t have to deal with kids. I have always allowed extra time with the kids—never denied it. But he didn’t take that, he specifically wanted ‘overnights’ and wanted it ‘court ordered’…so I knew it was all about the money.


#8

We have my step-son every Wed/Thurs and every other week through the weekend. We have been doing this for 2 years and he is fine w/ it. It took a little while to get into a routine but now he is used to it. He goes to the same school, gets picked up at the same time, does his homework with us, has toys and clothes here, sees friends at our home…Basically he has 2 different homes. When he fills out paperwork for the school he puts down both addresses as his home address - and this is without ever being told to do it!


#9

I think it really depends on the situation…my daughter is supposed to stay with her father on Thursday evenings and he takes her to school on Friday. This rarely happens. In our case, dad lives an hour and half away and has to be at work really early so it never seems to work out well with his schedule and her school drop off schedule. My daughter prefers not to stay because when she does she has to get up really early. She’s twelve now and we pretty much leave it up to her. I think the key to these types of situations is flexibility because what might be good for a child at 5 is not the same at 12 or 15. Also both parents have to be focused on what is truly better for the child and keep their own emotions out of it.


#10

I would interpret the email to mean that he would like to spend more time with our son. Have you tried to contact him to see what schedule he would like to have.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Sutton Station
5826 Fayetteville Rd. Suite 205
Durham, NC 27713
Phone: (919) 321-0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#11

He actually had me served with a summons for child custody. so now i know it is a powerplay and all about the money. if we have a sep. agree. I’m I pretty much covered.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by Helena Nevicosi[/i] [br]I would interpret the email to mean that he would like to spend more time with our son. Have you tried to contact him to see what schedule he would like to have.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Sutton Station
5826 Fayetteville Rd. Suite 205
Durham, NC 27713
Phone: (919) 321-0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.



#12

If he has served you with a summons then that means you are going to court for custody. Since you previously had a separation agreement, custody can be heard in court.
This is from the home site:
“A properly drafted separation agreement would also provide you and your spouse with the flexibility to effect your own modifications of the custody portions (or any other portions) of the agreement through further written amendment. However, future modifications to a previously established written custody arrangement may not be so easy. That will depend on whether you and your spouse agree over the subsequent modification. If parents cannot agree in the future to a change that one parent or the child wants, the court would become involved if the dissatisfied parent sued. In such a case, where the parties had not previously litigated but had settled custody by prior written agreement, the court would make its own initial determination of custody and visitation without either party’s having to show changed circumstances affecting the welfare of the child. The court’s initial determination would be based, as always, on the child’s best interests.”

Basically, you can choose to modify your existing agreement and not take this to court, or prepare yourself to go to court. It sounds as though your ex has filed with the court because you have not agreed to modify. In court, you will need to show why it is not in the child’s best interest to spend more time with the other parent just as he will have to show why it would benefit the child. From the sound of your original post, the father would like to have equal time with the child.
As I said previously, the arrangements that you and your ex agree on at the time of separation can sometimes need adjusting. Sometimes this happens when the child is older and wants to spend more time with the other parent. Sometimes it’s a matter of the other parent realizing they are missing out. And sometimes it’s a matter of the other parent deciding that they would rather have the time than pay the money…Occasionally, it can be a combination. Just because it does benefit the non-custodial parent to have more overnights with the child does not mean that is the only reason, or even the biggest reason, to modify custody. Please keep that in mind when you are deciding whether or not to settle and modify or fight it out in court…Sometimes, it can look as though money is the only reason for the custodial parent not to allow modification also…


#13

Even if you have a Separation Agreement in place the court has the authority to modify child custody at anytime if they believe it is in the best interests of the minor child.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Sutton Station
5826 Fayetteville Rd. Suite 205
Durham, NC 27713
Phone: (919) 321-0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#14

What does this mean? This is an email from my ex. For the record we have had the current agreement for 4 years and it works great for all of us especially our son.
" just wanted to let you know that I am moving forward with my desire to spend more time with Ryan. Please know this has absolutely nothing to do with you, your emotions or you as Ryan’s mom. This has nothing to do with money or anything else in our agreement. This is only about ensuring that I get to experience ALL my fatherly rights as an active parent in Ryan’s life. I want what is best for my son and equal time and experiences with his father is in his best interest. This is not only something I want but what Ryan wants as well."

He is speaking for our 7 year old and continually asking him and sort of coaching him what to say. My son told me he wants to live with me and he doesn’t want to hurt dad’s feelings. Why can’t he just leave things the way they are.