You are exactly right its not fair for him to do that seeing you have a contract. But, I wish I could tell you not to worry but I have ex that is not doing anything he agreed per our contract. And, his bully attorney is adivsing him to do so… So, go figure how they can get away with that… I thought thats why we did agreement before we separate now. THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS LATER I am not farther along then I was when WE started this law suit. Get a good lawyer and don’t wait to long…
mom x 2
Is it “fair” to the children that dad gets to see them the little amount that he does? Sure, it may be inconvienient for you to allow them to spend more time with Dad, but they’ll be better off for it. He is still their father, not a “visitor”. Kids need both parents in their lives, and even though he agreed to the original agreement, maybe something has developed and he is able to spend more time with them, or wants to spend more time with them. I can’t believe your faulting him for trying to be a part of their lives, unless there is another issue here.
we are in a similar situation - on the other side of the coin - let’s look at it from another angle.
- Your child may be at a point where he/she would benefit from spending more time w/ dad then was the case 3 years ago.
- Why discourage dad from wanting to be with the child more?
- Children are adaptable
NC courts want to do things that benefit the child but also support both parents being involved in the child’s life.
I would have to agree with the other posters on here. My husband and his ex have modified their arrangements. Originally, it was Monday, Thursday and every other weekends we have the children and she got them on Tuesday and Wednesday and then Friday-Sunday of the next weekend. They have modified this arrangement so that the children do not have to switch houses mid week now which actually makes things easier on everyone involved. They did not go back to court for this but just agreed to it.
The agreement can be changed if you both agree to it. Basically, you are both still raising your child the difference is you are not doing it together any longer. Children do adapt and the entire situation will change constantly. Keep in mind that you need to be able to adapt and do what’s best for your child which may include more time with the other parent.
Hello Stepmother. I have been very compromising with it all… It doesn’t help that his new relationship is also his assistant at work and left her husband for mine as well. The motivation here is to get my son on her son’s schedule. That is not beneficial to my child. His little life is very nice and settled. When he is at his fathers home it is video games, junk food and no rules really. The typical Disneyland Dad… And he is competeing with a 10 year old. If my ex was providing our child with un-divided attention and a true sense of parenting I would budge. Not only all this I have been told that I have to keep their “office affair” to myself or I will be cut off. I do appreciate your response, even though I don’t agree. I like to hear from the other woman’s perspective. Thank you.
quote:
Originally posted by stepmother
[br]I would have to agree with the other posters on here. My husband and his ex have modified their arrangements. Originally, it was Monday, Thursday and every other weekends we have the children and she got them on Tuesday and Wednesday and then Friday-Sunday of the next weekend. They have modified this arrangement so that the children do not have to switch houses mid week now which actually makes things easier on everyone involved. They did not go back to court for this but just agreed to it.
The agreement can be changed if you both agree to it. Basically, you are both still raising your child the difference is you are not doing it together any longer. Children do adapt and the entire situation will change constantly. Keep in mind that you need to be able to adapt and do what’s best for your child which may include more time with the other parent.
Concerned Parent
It seems that a lot of the emotion of this situation is due more to your feelings about why your husband left you than really considering what is best for your child. Perhaps your ex husband wouldn’t feel the need to be the “Disneyland Dad” if he had your son on a more regular “real” schedule. CHildren with siblings seldom get their parents’ “undivided attention” and it is good for them to interact with others, even if they are not related. I agree with what Stepmother has said…if you two were still together you would both be raising him. Put your anger aside and work out a compromise with your ex so you don’t have to spend the money on lawyers.
As stated before, the compromise was the separation agreement. It is gutt wrentching enought that I have to say goodbye to him every other week-end. I’m entitled to my emotions. I’ve worn a mask for far too long. It isn’t fair to my son that his father has put his mother in this situation. Of course a woman will be angry and upset if her husband leaves her for the assistant at work. Anyone care to agree on that. there has to be some accountability for infeldelity and allienation of affection, criminal conversation, etc… Some men run around on their wifes far to often and then cry about equal rights. Maybe he should have thought of the what is best for his son before having an affair and not only that with a co-worker. And thier love affair is still secret at work. How is that best for a 5 year old I dunno. My best interest are with what is best for my son and dragging him around like a rag doll to accommodate mistress isn’t going to work. I would also think that you know there are going to be angry people on a divorce chat room. Thank you for your response.
quote:
[i]Originally posted by mal[/i] [br]It seems that a lot of the emotion of this situation is due more to your feelings about why your husband left you than really considering what is best for your child. Perhaps your ex husband wouldn't feel the need to be the "Disneyland Dad" if he had your son on a more regular "real" schedule. CHildren with siblings seldom get their parents' "undivided attention" and it is good for them to interact with others, even if they are not related. I agree with what Stepmother has said...if you two were still together you would both be raising him. Put your anger aside and work out a compromise with your ex so you don't have to spend the money on lawyers.
Concerned Parent
I am sorry that you are so sad and angry and it is evident that you have a lot of unresolved emotions about your ex and what he did to you…however, this is about what benefits your child. That’s what will be addressed by your lawyers and by the court. You cannot punish your ex by depriving him of time with your child or only giving him what seems to be most convenient for you. I know you want to hear from a lawyer but you should listen/read what others are saying who have been through this. Many mothers and fathers probably envy you, having a divorced parent who WANTS to be more involved, rather than one who doesn’t pay support and seldom sees or has contact with the child. Think about the possibility of doing something positive for yourself when your child is away…take a class, join the gym, get together with friends. Having your child see it “breaking your heart” will only make it worse for them, they need to see that you support your ex - after all, you divorced him, he didn’t divorce your child.
Mal, you are right, I do not want to punish our child and I do want to do what is right. And I feel that I have. I will always and forever have unresolved issues about my ex. Somedays are better than others, but that is separate than what is happening with custody. Trust me I want my son to know his father. I have taken enough parenting classes to know that the parent of the same sex is the most important role model in a childs life. He is in his life and it was agreed upon. A male lawyer wrote our agreement and specifically tailored it so that the dad would have fair and reasonable and liberal visitations which he does. I do not see how it is beneficial for the child to be moved around 3 or 4 times in a school week. I do not see how that is in the childs best interest. I do believe the woman is trying to get my son on her sons schedule. I already agreed a long time ago that our child could have the same week-ends as her child. I allow her and her son into my home for holidays. I’m trying and have proven to be the bigger person. Now I feel that I am being taken advantage of. I do not see how I can continue to just shrug my shoulders and say o.k. whatever you say. I have done that for years. I apologize for my hostility, I can’t help it when I think about how everything in my life has played out.
quote:
[i]Originally posted by mal[/i] [br]I am sorry that you are so sad and angry and it is evident that you have a lot of unresolved emotions about your ex and what he did to you...however, this is about what benefits your child. That's what will be addressed by your lawyers and by the court. You cannot punish your ex by depriving him of time with your child or only giving him what seems to be most convenient for you. I know you want to hear from a lawyer but you should listen/read what others are saying who have been through this. Many mothers and fathers probably envy you, having a divorced parent who WANTS to be more involved, rather than one who doesn't pay support and seldom sees or has contact with the child. Think about the possibility of doing something positive for yourself when your child is away...take a class, join the gym, get together with friends. Having your child see it "breaking your heart" will only make it worse for them, they need to see that you support your ex - after all, you divorced him, he didn't divorce your child.
Concerned Parent
ok, this is what you posted that your ex wants to add:
In addition to his every other week-end, and Wed. nights and every other holiday and 10 days in summer he is wanting to pick up on Tues, take to school on wed, then I pick up on wed. then he picks him up from 5-9pm on wed…
You are talking about one additional night per week, right? 4-5 nights per month and about 48 nights per year. How about trying it out for a while and see how it works out for everyone concerned? it makes sense to me that they are trying to have both children on the same schedule - easier for everyone and maybe the kids can interact if they are there at the same time.
The both of you should be trying to work this out…you don’t have a marriage any longer but you do still have a child. You need to try to let go of the emotions about your ex and his current situation. He has moved on, you have not and this will destroy you eventually. YOu do not need to be a doormat and if you are uncomfortable around this woman and her child then why go out of your way to allow them into your home?
quote:
[i]Originally posted by Concerned Parent[/i] [br]I do appreciate your response, even though I don't agree. I like to hear from the other woman's perspective. Thank you.[quote]Concerned Parent
I have NEVER in my life been the “other woman”. I do not cheat and I have no patience for those who do cheat on their spouses. I have NEVER dated or even considered dating a married man. Please do NOT assume that because I am a second wife and stepmother that you know me or my life. While it’s understandable to lash out at others when you are hurt and angry, there is NO reason to attack me because you are angry at your STBX and his new girlfriend. No matter how you feel about me or my opinion, you should realize that I had the same opinion as the others on here.
Since you feel this strongly about step-parents and how little you respect another person’s opinion about children, you may need to plan on being alone for the rest of your son’s life. The only other option you have is to grow up and realize that life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to and that we don’t always get our way. It’s time for you to be the adult. You may have lost your husband to another woman but your son does not have to lose his father, especially if his father WANTS to see him more.
And as for your e-mail directly to me, yes, this will be the last time I post a response to one of your posts. There was no cause for you to send something like that and since I didn’t post on here for YOUR opinion I would appreciate it if you would keep your comments about what you assume my life to be to yourself.
Looks like I pressed some sensitive buttons. Take with a grain of salt. I come in peace, just trying to figure my life out.
quote:
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br]quote:
[i]Originally posted by Concerned Parent[/i] [br]I do appreciate your response, even though I don't agree. I like to hear from the other woman's perspective. Thank you.[quote]Concerned Parent
I have NEVER in my life been the “other woman”. I do not cheat and I have no patience for those who do cheat on their spouses. I have NEVER dated or even considered dating a married man. Please do NOT assume that because I am a second wife and stepmother that you know me or my life. While it’s understandable to lash out at others when you are hurt and angry, there is NO reason to attack me because you are angry at your STBX and his new girlfriend. No matter how you feel about me or my opinion, you should realize that I had the same opinion as the others on here.
Since you feel this strongly about step-parents and how little you respect another person’s opinion about children, you may need to plan on being alone for the rest of your son’s life. The only other option you have is to grow up and realize that life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to and that we don’t always get our way. It’s time for you to be the adult. You may have lost your husband to another woman but your son does not have to lose his father, especially if his father WANTS to see him more.
And as for your e-mail directly to me, yes, this will be the last time I post a response to one of your posts. There was no cause for you to send something like that and since I didn’t post on here for YOUR opinion I would appreciate it if you would keep your comments about what you assume my life to be to yourself.
Concerned Parent
I’m going to try to handle things on a case by case basis. I have been very flexiable with extra time all along. I have also given him the green light to take him to school any day he likes. We already trade off the school holidays. I’m talking with him now about how disruptive it would be for the during the week overnights, but I will bend in other areas. The readjustment phase takes a couple of days and then to have him do all over again several times a week. And when he gets older we’ll re-open that topic. for now it would not be in the childs best interest. And I forgot to mention that my ex has not exercised his normal visitation to fullest due to the nature of his work. There have been several occassions where the girlfriend has kept my son for an entire day. Like I said, I’m agreeing to a case by case basis for now and not putting anthing in writing.
quote:
Originally posted by mal
[br]ok, this is what you posted that your ex wants to add:
In addition to his every other week-end, and Wed. nights and every other holiday and 10 days in summer he is wanting to pick up on Tues, take to school on wed, then I pick up on wed. then he picks him up from 5-9pm on wed…
You are talking about one additional night per week, right? 4-5 nights per month and about 48 nights per year. How about trying it out for a while and see how it works out for everyone concerned? it makes sense to me that they are trying to have both children on the same schedule - easier for everyone and maybe the kids can interact if they are there at the same time.
The both of you should be trying to work this out…you don’t have a marriage any longer but you do still have a child. You need to try to let go of the emotions about your ex and his current situation. He has moved on, you have not and this will destroy you eventually. YOu do not need to be a doormat and if you are uncomfortable around this woman and her child then why go out of your way to allow them into your home?
Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned Parent:
Greetings. If he agreed to the separation agreement, then he is stuck with the terms until he files a claim for child custody. The separation agreement should be enforceable if you executed it properly. Good luck.
Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax
301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax
1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.
My ex and I signed a 17 page sep. agree. in 2004. He is now stating he wishes to change the visitation that he AGREED to. I am happy with our current agreement. I do not want to change it. He has every other week-end and 3 hours on Wed. and even numbered years for holidays and 2 weeks in the summer. That is fair isn’t it? He is trying to have him more during the week, which would cause a lot of running around and chaous for our child. He is saying that our sep. agree. doesn’t really mean anything and it can be easily changed. I’m terrified. Is this true?
Concerned Parent