Him, Her, and the children


#1

The courts will tell you to get use to it.

He has a right to live his life without interferance.

I know this is not what you want to here but, it is what you can expect to hear.

And, it works both ways. He cannot interfere with your life and what you do when the kids are with you.

Phil


#2

I would be willing to bet you are the only one disturbed by this new situation. Unless it is in your separation papers that no one can stay overnight(meaning new partner), I don’t think there is a whole lot you can do.

You can do your children a favor by “not” making a big issue out of this. It is much better if everyone gets along and your children do not feel guilty if they like this new person in their dad’s life. It would not be fair to make them feel like they are hurting you and upseting you just because they happen to have another person in their life that they can like. Face it, if they do have a good relationship with this person, that just makes everything easier all around. Can any child have too many people that care for them???

Please don’t make your children have to “pick” sides. That is not fair to them because they do not have any say in this.


#3

How long ago were you seperated? If he was hiding her from you, there is a possibility that they had a relationship before seperation. This means you may want to look into a of a of a or cc. Does your agreement mention overnight guests of the opposite sex? Also if he is anything like my ex…he will get extremely serious quickly and then move on after 6-9 months. My ex is on his 4th gf 2 of which moved in with him after 5 months. We were divorced only for 6 months before he had his 2nd gf move in. They were engaged after only 3.5 months of dating. Eventually, the judge will get sick of it and finally realize that it isnt in the best interest of the child(ren) to be introduced to new grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and most importantly “stepmothers/fathers” every six months. The key is probably to wait it out and see if this becomes an unhealthy pattern. Also, if you and her had lunch and got to know eachother…you might be surprised, and it may be beneficial for the children. However, this could be extremely difficult for you if this relationship was a major factor in you seperation.


#4

I have just about the same thing you have my STBX has a new boyfriend and he stayed overnite at her place with the children and that night the 2 of them went out bar hopping and left the children without anyone to watch them but there someone who driving from her house to the STBX’s but never there to supevise them.
He stayed the weekend and she even went to work and left the children with him see only knows him for about a few odd months.
I called my attorney about this and there is nothing in that says he cannot stay overnite but they are looking into this this is wrong in my eyes and everyone else that I know he is wrong for what he has done no respect towards the children and the STBX no class at all
In your case I feel the same how do the children feel about this your STBX seems not to care how the children feel about this sorry to say this he is putting the children in the back instead of the front just like my STBX
I hope everything works out for you and this mess works out for you and your children
Good luck and God bless


#5

Think of it this way, by you not making a big deal about it, it probably won’t become one. This shows the kids that both of you are moving on with your lives and lets the kids know that there will be some normalicy in everyone’s lives. My ex didn’t want my kids around my fiancee, but the kids are thrilled that they have a new grandma, grandpa, aunt, & cousins, that give them nothing but love and attention. I want my kids to get all the love they can in this world, and if there is an “extended family” there for them, whether it be one person or five people, to give love and attention then why not.


#6

Unfortunately, all of these replies are correct. You do not have to be consulted about these types of things, because he is free to live his life as though you were never married. Unless there is a clause in your separation agreement about no overnight guests of the opposite sex while the child is present there is nothing that can be done, but adultery is a crime in NC and having a separation agreement does not make having sex with someone who is not your spouse legal. I don’t know that a DA would prosecute but it is still considered a crime.
Check this link out: cnn.com/2006/LAW/07/20/cohab … index.html
I don’t know how this affects adultery, but I came across it looking up information on changing custody agreements. My stepmother says that my sister threw up in her face that she and my father lived together before they got married. I was only two so I don’t remember it.

My husband and I started dating two months after his ex left him and a month after his separation was signed. We may have moved a little faster than everyone thought we should but it would have happened eventually. My best friend is married to his ex’s brother, who happens to be my ex’s best friend, (confused yet) so I’ve known his family for quite a while. I was with my ex of 11 years when we first met and didn’t look at him twice. I don’t cheat and I don’t believe in breaking up a family. It just happened that we both ended up single at the right time in our lives for us to meet again and go out. None of us ever thought it would end up this way.
His ex made a big deal out of EVERYTHING. “You never did that with me” then after a couple months when I was around the children it was “she’s not to tell my children what to do” and “She’s not to say anything about me to my children”. Now, keep in mind that she’s talking about me telling the children to put on coats because it’s 20 degrees outside and me telling them that their mother doesn’t give them everything they want so they shouldn’t expect their father too either. Meanwhile, she’s on her 4th boyfriend in 6 months and the children were around all four. The last one moved in with her before the divorce was final. I didn’t move in until we were married because we both agreed that we didn’t want the children to think that that was the right way to have a relationship.

So before you take this to court think of it this way, this is the transition period between what you and the children knew and what things will be like now. If the children get used to mom and dad not living together, then have to get used to mom and dad not being married, then have to get used to mom’s new boyfriend and dad’s new girlfriend, then have to get used to new stepmother or stepfather, it’s too much to adapt to. Let your children know that you love them and take things one step at a time. Let them know that things have changed and will continue to change for quite a while. If you make a big deal out of it then when it comes time for you to find someone new, the kids will make a big deal out of it too. Encourage them to talk to their father if the situation makes them uncomfortable and to talk to you when it’s your turn. It’s alright if you don’t want to start dating, yet. That could show your children that you were committed to your marriage and that you are putting them before yourself. Your children will remember how your react to these situations.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.


#7

Ok that link is gone. It was on CNN website about a Federal Judge in Raleigh ruling the “cohabitation law” in NC unconstitutional. It is now legal for two consenting adults to cohabitate without being married as of July 2006, but again, I don’t know how that affects adultery.


#8

Thanks for the responses.

I think I’m more upset that I’m not told any of these things, I have to hear it from the children. I know if I came to him and said “oh, by the way… this guy, that you’ve never met is going to live with me and the children” he would throw a fit.

Anyway, the only clause in the separation agreement is that I cannot have a roommate in any way during my alimony. Also, yes I know he was dating her in May, and we signed our separation papers in Mid July.

I totally agree about keeping my cool with the children. When they ran up to me all excited saying “Guess what? We have a new Mommy!” it was hard, but I did it. I just talk to them nicely about her, tell them I’m glad she’s such a nice person. I have explained to them though that she is Daddy’s girlfriend, and a friend to them, but I am their only Mommy. But yah, when they talk all excited about her and the fun things they do my typical response is “wow, I’m glad you guys had a nice time… she sounds like a lot of fun!”

So yah, I’m trying to keep it normal for the children and move on with things. I’m just really upset about this lack of communication.

Don’t you ever want to give your x’s new boyfriend/girlfriend the heads up though? HAHA. Like… have fun now, talk to me again in 6 months!


#9

I actually have been able to do that. My ex and I weren’t legally married even though we were together for 11 years. We split up in May and he was married 3 weeks later. She and I spoke a while after this and she wanted to know why I didn’t warn her. I told her then that I had hoped he would be a different person with her than he was with me, guess he wasn’t. She wouldn’t have listened to me anyway and I didn’t feel it was my place.
I wouldn’t change anything that I went through with him because it made me who I am today. I had to go through all that to realize what I wanted out of a partner and to appreciate what I have now. Every one of us are who we are because of our past experiences. Learn from them, grow past them, keep doing what you feel is right and let them go. But don’t keep doing the same things and expect different results. You can’t expect to grow as a person if you don’t change the way you think.
My husband’s ex told me that my relationship with him would be the same as hers and it’s made her very angry that it isn’t. They are both different and better people than they were when they were married and she can’t seem to see that he couldn’t be this person while with her.

I’m glad that you are being this way for your children. My husband and I explained to his children the same thing. They have ONE mother and ONE father, but that they did need to respect me and his mother’s boyfriend as being adults. The children understand, now, that when I tell them something, it’s not that I’m being mean to them it’s just that I’m older and know a little more. I’ve never had a problem with the children, just with the ex. Good luck to you!


#10

Congratulations on being such a good Mom!!! Not all parents are like that. They will try to use their kids to cause problems with their ex’s new partner.

You would not be human if you didn’t want to sometimes tell the new person things you know may happen. When my ex got married again, he married a girl that had tried to interfer in our marriage. When I left about three years later(not because of her but because he had really turned into a couch potato), I let her know he was free and she could have him. She jumped and he didn’t resist(would have taken too much effort on his part). She called me about a year later complaining about the very same things that I had left him for. I really wanted to tell her “I told you so”

Let him throw a fit. You no longer have to answer to him about your life as long as it does not harm you kids. Just let him de3al with it.


#11

My kids are full of information… so today I get “Yah, they’re getting married!”

I still stand firm that I just don’t think its right though that some woman I’ve never met, and know nothing about is going to be living with my children. Ugg!

But… just suck it up and do the best I can on my end right? [:)]


#12

It may not be as bad as you think. Keep in mind, this same thing hopefully will happen for you and then he gets to have those insecure feelings. Some man I don’t know and know nothing about is going to be my children’s stepfather! Yikes! Hopefully when it comes your turn for this, he will be as nice about it. If he isn’t, it wouldn’t hurt to remind him of this day. Is this in NC? Is your divorce final so that he is able to get remarried?


#13

No, the separation papers were just signed in mid July… so the ink is still fresh. I’m assuming they’re planning the wedding for a year from now… I would hope!

Funny now that I think about it… he tried to bribe me with alimony. He said ok, I’ll give you alimony if you lie and say we’ve already been separated for one year and we can get the divorce asap. I said well thats silly, people only do that when they want to get remarried! And then of course I told my lawyer… LOL


#14

Hmmm…sounds to me like there may be more going on than you know. I may be a little suspicious by nature, but would he be ready to marry someone he’s only known a little over a month?? I can only think of one reason to get remarried so quickly.
He tried to bribe you with alimony? That may be because you could be entitled to it anyway if this person was in his life before the split. Not saying that you should change how you are handling the situation but it may need to be something to keep in mind for the next couple of months and I’m glad you let your lawyer know. If he/she is worth their salt they will tuck that little nugget back for the final battle. Overall, it sounds as though you have a pretty amicable divorce so far. If at all possible, keep it that way. Good luck to you and keep us posted!


#15

Two days after signing the separation agreement my husband took our children on a weekend trip with his new girlfriend. Now, one month later they’re buying a house.

My husband and I share custody with shared time. What rights do I have here? I mean, I don’t care about him… I care about the fact that my children will be living with someone I do not even know.

Don’t you think I should be consulted on these things? I’m pretty frustrated.