I know how you feel been there done that my now ex did the same thing your STBX did and I hate it. I wish I had someone to vent to at that time. If you need to vent off let me know I will be there please can I do the same to you
I too understand your frustration.
IMHO, the one year is generally a good thing considering the time invested into a marriage. It normally takes that long to get everything divided legally and if there are children involved the extra time can only help with the adjustment. The problem comes in when there are no children, no assets to divide, and/or when another party is involved. That’s when the one year requirement seems like crual and unusual punishment.
It’s not easy to think clearly in this situation but keep in mind that you can get a separation agreement drawn up, dividing assets and move on with your life if you are ready to. In your situation, I would at the very least consult an attorney and get the separation agreement started. You never know what your options are…but protect yourself for the future.
It does get easier, hang in there!
I have to agree with Stepmother. My marriage tanked so fast that we ended up being seperated LONGER THAN WE WERE TOGETHER WHILE MARRIED. By the time the divorce was finalized we had both been in relationships for approximately eight months and hadn’t spoken in about six. We had to start speaking again about the divorce and it seriously poured salt in the wound. I didn’t feel relieved at all by the time it was finalized, I was anxious because I had put this behind me and then had to dredge it up again. I think there should be different laws regarding seperation with children and without.
I agree, it’s torture to have to wait a year to get a divorce. From the time my husband and I decided to get married to the day we actually got married was just nine days! But it will take a year to get a divorce! It should be the other way around – it should be harder to get married and easier to get divorced. If I’d known how hard it was to get divorced in NC I never would have married in the first place.
Well, on a lighter note I did read some really great new words to describe the STBX (but not soon enough) in those states requiring a one-year waiting period. These are from the Atlantic: Fleeance, Unintended, and…my personal favorite given the season…“lame duck spouse.”
Despite the humor, I agree with you, it’s neither fun nor productive for some of us.
I agree with the comment about different separation laws based upon kids/no kids or even how long the marriage lasted … We had no property to divide, nor children … so I haven’t spoken to him in over six months. We were only married 15 months (I spent almost 9 of those seriously debating if I should stay due to the abuse I was suffering), yet I had to spend another 12 months waiting to finally get the divorce under way!
I just crossed my year and a day mark (finally!) and am ready to file as soon as I have two tiny questions answered (doing this myself since there was nothing to divide). I too promise that it does get easier. This time last year I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown thanks to all the stuff he’d put me through … and today, I’m sooooo much stronger. And ready to move on! Give me my maiden name back, and I’m golden.
Reading the replies to this vent has put a smile on my face and laughter to my heart. Yes, this state is azz backwards. I can’t believe this one year stuff. If your spouse has moved on with their life, why wait? Mine sure as yet didn’t bother about waiting the 1 yr mark. He is off having the best times of his life.
Wait…I have the children so maybe I am the happier one…lol
But back to the main topic…I think that maybe they should change the law to 6 months. This yr to wait is crazy. Espeically for couples who do not have children or property. This one yr wait period shouldn’t effect them. I have some friends who just walked into the court house and signed the divorce papers and they were done. They weren’t even seperated for the 1 yr period. It was done and over with like that.
I’m not saying you should do that if you have no children or property but they did it. Good luck to everyone. I’m sorry you are waiting for this longggggggggggggg 1 yr as i am also doing the same. It stinks!!!
I am a very strong advocate of trying everything possible to stick it out and not get divorced - especially when children are involved. This year long waiting period was intended to help preserve marriage as an institution and to give couples time to think about what they are doing and try to reconcile.
BUT… it is a curse in some instances. For my part, I was married over a decade. Even after I found out about my wife’s years of adultery, pregnancy by another man, etc… I still worked hard for the first half year of our separation to win her back and mend the marriage. But once I was able to rebuild my self-esteem and independence, I was ready to get divorced. When the year of separation was up I was ready to file the papers.
My wife had been gunning for divorce from day one and seemed like she couldn’t divorce me quick enough. But rather than agree to let the divorce go through without any disputes, she promised to object to the divorce and keep things going in court for a while UNLESS I agreed to a number of things that she wanted regarding custody. The problem was that I had faithfully waited until divorce to start seeing anyone else. Her efforts to stonewall the divorce quickly became a huge burden. I had waited a year already and she was going to make it take even longer by contesting the divorce. Eventually I got things worked out… I agreed to some of her demands and the divorce went through.
The divorce process was horrible for me. I felt like I was being punished by an unfair system. She destroyed our family through adultery, ran off with our kids and tried to prevent me from moving on with my life because I had the integrity to refrain from getting emotionally involved with anyone else while we were still legally married.
Thanks for venting… it gave me an excuse to do a little venting myself!
To make it easier, just lie about the date of separation. NC is arse backwards in SO many ways! You have to figure out how to beat this archaic system! THINK! THINK! THINK! And women, think, think, think some more!
I agree that NC is ass backwards in ALOT of ways. For the love of pete, it takes less time to get a firearm in this state than it does to end a bad marriage. lol. Probably good in a lot of cases that the two can’t be done at the same time, lol. I know that alot of people do state that they have lived separately earlier on, just be careful to admitted to that anywhere since it is against the law. The man that I have been involved with and his wife had an in house separation for 7 months prior to her moving out because she needed to save up the money to do so and even then, in the end, he helped her to move out. But they could technically be divorced by the end of this month if NC recognized in house separations, but it doesn’t. I just think that if both parties are in agreement that the state should have little to say. I find that the govt in general tends to get involved where it has no business being involved but there isn’t enough involvement where it is needed.
Good luck with this. I know that it sucks.
The one year can be terrible - lying about the date is not necessarily good if they can prove you are lying to the court you are in contempt.
That is really not good.
My year came to an end and I am still waiting to get it all finalized (14 months later.) Every chance he gets my stbx reminds me I am still his wife and he is still my husband until the day it is all done.
It does seem harsh when all you want is to end it, get it over with and move on. However I do agree that its a good idea… people get divorce so quickly and easily these days. They often marry with the thought “well I can always get divorced” in the back of their head. I believe the states reasoning for making this waiting period is to make people think twice before filing for divorce.
I certainly don’t mean you in this case, you have every right. I personally believe if one can prove adultery or any other legitimate reason for divorce, the courts should wave the waiting period, but they obviously think all marriages and divorces are the same.
Can you move out? Move away from him? You’ll still be “married” but at least you won’t have to be near him…
Yes, the state’s reasoning is that people will think twice. Most people I know of didn’t go into marriage thinking that they could just get divorced if it didn’t work out. I certainly didn’t. I thought that I would succeed where my parents had failed simply because I had waited so long to choose the right person and also that I felt that I had lived enough on my own to know truly who I was. I was wrong and had to learn that lesson. Sometimes love isn’t enough and sometimes people wear masks for a very long time. Eventually that mask will have to drop.
In my case and from others I have spoken with, by the time they are willing to divorce whether it be a month, six months, or a year, are sure of that decision. Few people have come back in a year and changed their minds. I grew up in a state with no waiting period, and I only know of one case of a couple who remarried. They had been divorced for 10 years, before remarrying. Most of the time, one cannot turn back the clock when the bad blood has built up for so long.
Wouldn’t it be better for the institution of marriage if there was a year waiting period with premarital counselling before one could actually marry? Give people the tools to succeed in their relationships. Let them take the time to make sure they aren’t marrying because of a cultural imperative that says that one MUST be married to be successful in life or that they are marrying simply because they are dating the only person in their life that they haven’t wanted to smother in their sleep after a year.
Okay, in defense of the state of NC. I’ve been divorced for 16 years now and I ended up on this site because a friend of mine is going through a divorce and needed some advise so I set up the account for him.
Anyway…I divorced in TN which only requires a 90 day waiting period. However, if you are pregnant, the divorce cannot be finalized until the baby’s birth. You know, hormones and all. So, my son was 3 mos old and I was pregnant with our daughter when my ex filed for divorce. I really did not want a divorce, I just wanted him to quit cheating, but I was in no position financially, physically, or mentally to contest it. In his mind he found someone else he wanted to share his life with. Our divorce was final 3 days after our daughter was born and 1 day before our son’s first birthday. Two weeks to the day later, he married the woman he had been cheating on me with. Well it seems that cheating with her was a lot more fun than being married to her because two weeks later he filed for divorce from her and wanted to come back home. He had to wait the 90 days for his now 2nd divorce to go through. I didn’t let him move back in, I decided to wait at least 6 months before I’d marry him again. I really thought he had a case of thinking the grass was greener on the other side. So we married again (his now 3rd marriage) and 2 weeks later I caught him with her again! I filed for divorce and after 90 days the divorce was final and I moved to Germany with the kids. Though I think a year and a day is a long time to wait, especially if there are no kids or the marriage was short lived, 90 days is too short. Think about it, within one year and one month my ex had gotten 3 divorces.
NC is backwards and needs to update their system. 1 year is long. Maybe setting it for 6 months or something. I am going through a divorce now and come Feb it will be the 1 yr mark. I found out yesterday that once the papers are filed after the 1 yr, 1` day then the STBX has to be served and i have to wait another 30 days. If he wants to contest to it then i have to wait another 2-3weeks. Now that is about stupid!
I would have liked to be in Idaho. You go to a class then one week later you are divorced. Now that is alot better. But then again, not many ppl get divorced in Id like here. NC is a military state and all these crazy young ppl have made things pretty hard for ppl in the future. JMO!
I mean why in the world do we have separate for a year first? I want to sign the divorce papers and get it over with already so I could move on with my life.
My soon to be ex is cheating on me. He doesn’t want me he wants her! There is not going to be any kind of reconciliation, hell no! He is the one that wants the divorce and I am glad to give him one.
There is no way in hell i’m taking him back after what he did.
Sorry, just had to vent.
@ hotwire71 That must have been a nightmare! Im sorry to hear that. And yes, you are correct. Divorce is not granted when the woman is pregnant. I hope you find happiness and peace. All the best!
I hear what y’all are saying but there is another consideration. Time to heal. It doesn’t matter if you were the one who initiated the divorce or not. One year is a minimal amount of time to come to grips with yourself and not fall into a rebound relationship.
I needed longer than I took last time! I divorced and really wanted to be comfortable alone before getting into another relationship. I waited well over a year before dating and will again probably. Although I am now 59 and would like to get it right before I die.
I was duped by an older man that I knew from the start had some real personality issues. Unfortunately I was physically and emotionally needy at the time and did not listen to that all too smart inner voice telling me there was something wrong. Of course his having had three divorces already might have been a hint!!! But like someone said on another blog, it was always the wife’s fault. I wanted to make this man feel loved and just knew that I could do that. Well, not so. I am at fault for this divorce too. Imagine. CAUTION: DON’T MARRY A MAN WITH A PERSONALITY DISORDER. They will drive you nuts.
But really, even though he decided that I was having an affair, not only did I not have an affair, I will not date until my divorce is well and truly done. I want as little baggage as possible and am in counseling now because for the life of me I can’t believe how naive I was and with all the times he did things that told me to run I was convinced I could make HIM happy for the first time in HIS life. He never loved me even if he thought he did.He loves himself! Some people are devoid of true feelings. They are NEVER at fault. Everything is about them. They can turn it on when they want to.One day you are the greatest and the next week that same day the previous week he can tell you you were the worst. They think they are so good to you.They are misunderstood. On and on.
HMMMM. Maybe I will just rescue a dog