1 year, 1 days almost here


#1

Stbx didn’t go over seas, he got out of it like he does everything else. Our 1 yr, 1 day is Feb 28th. We can file until March 2nd. I would like to know a few things please.

He has to be served with the divorce papers, since it will take a 30 days to respond because we don’t have an agreement on other things, will the judge back date it?

I am worried he is going to prolong it again and wait the full 30 days to respond. He is in a different state and hides away from his family to cheat and do whatever he wants. I am here in NC where alot of ppl knows us, so I can’t even go out on a date with anyone. Why does someone have to be so heartless and hurt a person this way?

So, what can we do to push this forward?


#2

I am not sure what you are asking about backdating however since you do not have an agreement, you will have to include a claim for equitable distribution ( and alimony if applicable) when you file for divorce, otherwise you will lose your rights to divide the marital property equitably and the right to pursue alimony if applicable. These claims must be made during the marriage or they are lost forever.
As far as the 30 day response time, the rules of civil procedure mandate that a defendant has 30 days to respond to any suit filed against them, there is no way around this.


#3

It has come to my attention that my STBXH has been told to move out of his gram’s house. That he is so irresponsible and that she can’t take it anymore.

I only allowed my son to leave this state and spend time with his father, due to him being in her home. She is an awesome grandmother to all the grandbabies. I know my son would always be cared for, unlike with my STBXH. He love’s his sleep.

When my son was there over the Holiday break, he didn’t get up with him, Gram took care of him until she either had to leave to go to work or when STBXH got out of bed.

STBXH runs off and hides away at a friends house, If he is being kicked out and has to stay at his friends house, Do I have to get the address and phone number to where he is at? What about me being scard if he is going to take care of our 2 yr old son, can I place in the order as to the current order that he is to be with his gram during visitation?


#4

Do you have a current order in place?


#5

We have a temp order stating he only gets four weeks of visitation. We haven’t been to court yet. Hopefully next month.


#6

You certainly have the right to have a current address and phone number to reach your ex. Normally court orders will specify that this information must be shared, however even if your order is silent in this regard, it is not unreasonable for you to expect your ex to provide you with this information.
If the current order does not specifically state that your ex must be supervised by the grandmother, you cannot withhold visitation if she is not around. You will have to present evidence in court when you go back for your next hearing which proves your ex is not capable of caring for the child in a way that ensures his best interests are met.


#7

I know it is against to have an inlaw of some sort to write a letter saying so. But how could I go about having this done. I hear his gram talk and she even told him she is sick of getting up with our son when he has him for visitation. I know family stick with eachother. But saying and doing something are two different things.


#8

Just found out some stuff.

My STBX moved back to IL. He went back to family and to his girlfriend Liz (just found this out by his family). Anyhow I saw picture’s and even talked with his gram about it.

Well my STBX and his girlfriend both have picture’s of them together, plus with my son. My son saw her picture and said her name. I was shocked! The picture’s show that they are together but not sex wise. A few do show that she is in the bed that him and i use to sleep in while visiting family. I asked him gram about it and at first she lied but asked her to tell the truth because I have seen the pictures. She said that since they have been dating for so long that he allowed her to come over and sleep in the room with my STBX and my son. BULLCRAP! I thought that was bad?

My STBX is now freaking out because I know the truth and have all the picture’s. I was also told that him girlfriend is buying a house for them to live in together so he can take my son away from me, can that happen if I am not an unfit parent and have had temp custody of our son for over a yr now, He is only getting visitation?

I am at such lost with his family letting him do whatever he wants, but I’m here in NC doing nothing. How can this happen? grrrr! My son was sleeping in the same room as his father and girlfriend.

Anyhow, how do i take care of this? What can I even do? I am at lost on all this. I defend myself telling him and his family that I’m not doing anything until after the divorce. 1. because alot of ppl know my STBX and I. 2. I don’t want to lose custody. He runs off and hides away with his home state and family. Please give me some advice. He won’t even talk to me because I know all this.


#9

It is very unlikely, given the level of interest and the history, that your ex would be able to take primary custody away from you. If you have an attorney, you should discuss with him/her about making a motion for permanent custody. The girlfriend buying a house for them to live together will NOT convince a judge to remove primary custody from you and proving a parent unfit is VERY difficult to do. Have pictures of your home, your child’s room, school, neighborhood…pictures of you together. Have someone to testify to your relationship with your child that has seen you together. You can subpoena the grandmother testify on the relationship and arrangements that your ex is in and subjecting your child to on his visitation time. It sounds as though you have an open relationship with this woman and could explain that you need her to be in court for your son, instead of for you or your ex. You need someone that will testify that knows all of you, and ONLY has the child’s best interest at heart.

As far as what the ex is doing…I would think that this should make things a little easier on you to move on with your life and quit caring about anything anyone says about you. Since your ex has moved on, it should be obvious that you are in the same position. You are entitled to have your own life and do whatever is best for you. Your ex sounds like he is used to being in control and unless you plan to stay on his leash, even after divorce, you must realize that he does not have a say in your life any longer. Other than major decisions about your mutual child, he has no place in your life. My opinion is that you need to move for permanent custody, and stop waiting to live your life.


#10

Your spouse’s reunion with his girlfriend will have no effect on the current custody arrangement. You have been the primary caregiver, here in North Carolina for over a year. Moving in with another woman does nothing to change the circumstances under which you were awarded primary custody in the first place.


#11

Thank you for your understanding step-mother.

It is really hard to get into contact with my attorney, for he is so busy. I did talk to him yesterday. I told him I want the divorced filed. He told me to pay $180.00 and bring in the information that he needed on other stuff. I did that.

See the problem is this, alot of people knows us here. I can’t get on with my life and date someone. Everyone runs to him with photo’s, emails, phone calls, etc. But, his family kept his personal life totally away from me. He would belittle me behind repair. I haven’t been doing anything wrong, but caring for my children. After hearing bad stuff from him, I just didn’t take the time to even eccept a date.

I know I have had my son for over a yr, minus his visitation. I just can’t believe that he had this women around him and was sleeping in the same bedroom while my son was there. I thought it was against the law. Oh, he is in IL. Our divorce is here in NC.

I really don’t think his gram would even do that for me. That is her grandson and she will do what ever it takes to protect him. That is why she kept all this from me and allowed her to stay there while my son was there. They give in to him all the time. He still doesn’t have a job. It has been since June of last year that he got out of the USMC.

His gram will only start talking when she is angry with him. When she is caught in a lie. Other than that, she won’t talk to me. I think after this last phone call, she won’t ever speak to me. I recorded the conversation. She is so mad! She said she is sueing me because it is against the law in IL.

Can I get in trouble?


#12

I would commend you on focusing on your child during this separation instead of pursuing romantic interests of your own. As Erin said, you have had primary custody and there is nothing that you have posted that is cause for that to change. Read over the temporary order again to see if the visitations are stated specifically or if it only says 4 weeks per year. If it is not specific, then I see no reason why all 4 weeks should be at the same time…or even that it should be 7 days in a row. Given that you are the custodial parent with primary custody that would be up to you on when and how visitations take place. Keep all your communications with him in writing if at all possible.

As for your personal life, the changes that you must make are not going to be easy but you are the only one that can make them. Those people that “run to him with photo’s, e-mails, phone calls, ect” should be cut out of your life if at all possible. They are NOT your friends. Repeat to yourself, “It’s NONE of his business”. If they run to him with information, WHO CARES…? What you do is none of his business. As long as your son is taken care of, not being neglected or abused, it’s none of your ex’s business. If you will stop reacting to his calls, answering his questions and aruging with him, you may be surprised to see how quickly it stops. All your communications should be limited to visitation details such as dates and times, and the child’s well being. “You can pick him up X date and I’ll pick him up at X date/time. Please make sure that he takes ___ medication because he’s had a cough…” If the ex begins to get into discussions about you, your life, anything about you, direct the conversation back to the child or end the conversation. Do not give any more information than necessary.
My husband’s ex had men living with her during their separation, was photographed taking her top off at bars, and drinking exessively. None of it means anything in court because it was not done with the children in her care, well, except the men living there, but we could never prove it. YOU have to decide to get out from under his thumb. YOU have to decide that what you do, who you see/date, is not his business and move on. You are an adult and once the absolute divorce is final he has NO say over your life. He may have some input on the child but it is very limited since you are the custodial parent and he has so little visitation. YOU have to stop letting him control your life and your decisions. I know that this can be difficult to do and may take some time before you are comfortable with being your own person and not answering to anyone. Your ONLY responsibilities are to your son and yourself. Do you have family of your own you can turn to for support? Maybe find a support group, or a counselor to talk to…

Find out from your attorney what is being done or what needs to be done to make the temporary custody order permanent. If there is nothing scheduled, request that something be set on the calendar. Since the case is in NC, there’s little that the grandmother can do about you recording phone conversations that you are party to. That is legal in NC. She can still be subpoenaed by you to testify to what she has witnessed. Regardless of whether she would be a willing witness or not a court summons can not be refused unless she’s willing to be in contempt. If she is determined that this is the end of your relationship with her, then that is her decision that you must respect. If she attempts to lie for your ex in court, you have the recorded conversations to prove this. Sadly, this is no longer your family and you must begin to see them that way. She is your child’s grandmother. That is the only relationship that is necessary…
I will keep you in my thoughts.


#13

Thank you again step-mother.

The order that was signed last year stated that he has 4 weeks of visitation, and also a temp order.

I understand fully what your saying. His family is his family. I don’t have family near me for I live thousands of miles away. They are all the way on the west coast. I don’t hang out nor talk to the ppl who run to him. They just see him out and have to relay all things to my STBX. It’s like having a shadow behind you. I tend to stay home all the time because of it. I feel it is not safe for me to live my own house.

Well today I have gotten an email from him. He sent a picture of of myself and a dear friend of mine. It is a picture of us next to eachother that I had myself. He tried to make a threat about it. I laughed and said, “whatever”.

I do have a few questions:

I’m a stay at home parent. Bills are paid every month, food on the table all the time for the kids, clothes on their backs, etc. I did get a job in Aug of last year. I was paying 600.00 a month in daycare cost, gas back and forth. I had to take my paychecks including some child support to pay for daycare. I would bust my butt at work, then turn around and take my full paycheck to the sitter. Within a three month period I made 1,300. Three whole months. So, I actually didn’t make money working.

My question is this, his girlfriend he is with now, is a RN at a hospital. They are looking into her buying a house, with him moving in. She has a good job. He doesn’t work at all. I am heading back to college to finish my degree in May. Now, if she has a good job, a house that is bought, can he take custody of my son?

I rent my home and am going to be heading back to college with no job. How does that effect me?

Both of them have this whole thing planned out and that is why he won’t do the custody part with the divorce. His family is saying that he wants to get custody of our son when they have gotten the house. What are the changes?


#14

Updates from last night.

Threathen text messages from STBX kept coming in last night. He is telling me that if I bring his girlfriend in the mix that he is going to bring a good friend of mine in the mix. (my STBX has a picture from last yr of me and this person take a picture together and with friends as well while we were at a Rodeo) nothing bad in the picture, just two friends taking a picture together.

He also threw up about my baby girl who is 16 months now. She is not his. We were seperated intending on getting a divorce, but we got back together after talking everything out. He promised he would stop meeint girls and lying about me and our children, and I would talk to my daughters father anymore. Child was born under this marriage and he calmed her to be his.

Well he is now going to use that against me in the divorce and custody of our son. the adultery part. Yes, i did do it but we were getting a divorce at the time. But he forgave me and we got back together. Didn’t know the child wasn’t his until i pushed for a DNA two months ago.

Anyhow, I am renting a home from this guy who is in that picture. He doesn’t live here with my children and I, it is only in his name. How can get go after him for it? A friend helping a friend out. Big deal, right? Well not in his eyes. The guy isn’t even in this state right now.

He is saying that he has some kind of proof that this guy lived with me in my STBX old house last year, which isn’t true. The guy had his own place. I know it could only be all talk, but this is really getting out of hand and he is throwing an incidents person in the mix because I found out about his girlfriend.

I think he was trying to keep her a secret saying he has been living a single life, yet he hasn’t. He is so mad! His plan was destroyed. I really need help to understand what is going on and how to push the stress away from me.


#15

It sounds like you need to step back from this a little. Save ALL the messages, texts and e-mails. He’s trying to intimidate you with threats.

Your ex can NOT go after your landlord just because you are friends. If he attempts to file an AofA case against him, it would be interesting to see the “proof” he claims to have since there is none. He’s grasping at straws.

IF he files for primary custody he would have to show the courts why the circumstances that have been in place for the last year are no longer in the best interest of the child. It has NOTHING to do with you not having a job. It has NOTHING to do with you being with someone else and having a child by that person while you were separated…he forgave that so essentially wipes it off the books.
His girlfriend buying a house will be good for her, but won’t do anything for him except free up more of his income for child support. It will not show the courts that he has a “stable” home life because all this time YOU have been the one providing for and caring for your son. Keep in mind that you mentioned HE does not have a job either. His girlfriend’s job, no matter how good it is, is not a factor in your custody case.

I’ve gone back and listened to the tapes of my husband’s conversations that he had with his ex…it’s unreal at the stuff that flies out of her mouth. She argued with him about everything and when he quit arguing or God forbid, begin to get the upper hand, she changed the subject and brought up something else to bitch at him about. The entire time he stayed calm and reasonable and the longer the conversations lasted, the more aggrivated she became. It usually ended with her making empty threats to come after me for “taking her place to raise her kids” which never had anything to do with anything they were discussing.

You are used to this chaos. You have been conditioned to adapt to his moods and what he wants. It’s a learned behavior from emotional abuse. I’ve been there myself, which is why I can see it when other people post about it. He tries to get you ruffled by saying this and when that doesn’t work, he tries another topic. He’s figured out that there are three or four things that bother you or that you feel guilty about and that’s what he’s using. 1. Custody of your son, 2. Your friendship and living arrangement with a male friend. 3. Your current finacial and social situation and 4. Your history and the child that is not biologically his.
If one doesn’t work, he moves on to the next topic until he has you going in circles worried about your own character and mistakes that way you don’t have time to notice how badly he’s acting or to bring up his mistakes. He gets you defending your decisions and your life so that you can’t attack his. Until you change your thinking and quit allowing him to control your life, this will continue.

Let me ask you this…since you have found out about his girlfriend why is he still threatening you with the use of your friendship with your male landlord? You have stated and it can be proven that this person does not live with you. This is his girlfriend and you have proof that he slept in the same bed with her with your son present…which one of those two scenarios do you think the court would look at in a bad light? If you have done nothing wrong then stop acting like you have and quit letting him bully you into feeling badly about what happened in the past. You can’t change it and you can’t fix it. You are about to be divorced and regardless of who did what is not going to change the fact that this is what you must deal with. You need to focus on getting permanent custody and getting the absolute divorce granted. Once those two things are settled, you can sit down and figure out a schedule for your sons visitations, and start living your life again. Give yourself time to adjust but I still suggest that you seek counseling. I will keep you in my thoughts.


#16

I fully understand what you are saying step-mother.

He said he is going to use it all in the custody hearing, at which we are not going to do. He wants to take it to trial. He is going all out and money is running short for me. I now owe the attorney 2,000 more dollars. I never asked for a dime from him. Now I regret it. Yes we are asking for him to pay attorney fees, but who knows if that will happen.

I do speak to someone. They help me out alot. It is my bestest friend that I have known for years. She just doesn’t know the laws here in NC. Well thank you so much.

Oh by the way, since I have found out about her and a few days before finding out, he won’t call his son. I find that pretty crappy of him. He is avoiding all phone calls so our son can talk to him.

Thank you again so much.


#17

Well after the discovery of my STBX 's girlfriend, he hasn’t called his son. Last night I finally get a phone call. It wasn’t bad at all. When he wanted to talk about something, I told him it was either none of his business or don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to talk about the divorce papers and our son.

As far as I know the papers were filed yesterday into the courts. My question is this. Can our attorney be told that we want the divorce to be signed with out our signatures or do we have to sign them? I mean can the attorney go up infront of the judge and tell the judge we want it signed?

I really don’t want to wait another month for all this to go through. I want it over and done with. He has moved on with his life with another female and maybe it is time I move on with my life. I have been waiting over 3 yrs for this to day to finally be here. Yes, we were only seperated for over a year, but the heartache of living life with him for over 3 yrs is finally coming to a close.

Thank you.


#18

I believe that he still has 30 days after being served to respond. You can sign the papers, but it does not mean that the waiting period can end. At the end of the 30 days, if he has not signed, then you would go before a judge and state that the divorce requirements have been met and that custody, ED and support issues either remain in negotiations or have been worked out.

I’m glad that the last communication went better than previous ones. It will take some time but it does get easier. The older your child gets the less communication will have to be strictly between you and your ex also, other than coordinating visits. I don’t think my mother and father spoke after my father remarried. My stepmother stepped into the mediator role. I never even saw them in the same room until I was 19, because I was only 3 when they divorced and have no memories prior to that of them together.
I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you the best of luck.


#19

Thanks.

I’m sorry to hear about your parents. I know when he gets older there will be really no contact between us. We talked on the phone again yesterday and it was a nice one. We mainly talked about child support. He later was on the computer and we did the web cam thing with our son.

I truly believe that he is only being nice because I found out about what he has been doing this whole time. Instead of him accusing me all the time, when I wasn’t doing anything. He was the one doing it all. He may have been feeling bad and being mean to me.

That is my only input on this. Maybe now since I know the truth that he will stop. I really just want this divorce over with. I think this NC law is really crazy. I just don’t understand why you have to still go infront of a judge again to just hear that your divorced. It should be sign automatically after the 1 yr 1 day mark. The law should just be changed to the right way.

Instead of 1 yr 1 mo, they might as well say 1 yr 6 months. This is just crazy. Now what if he signs it and sends it back, can the attorney just take it in to be signed by the judge? Do I have to wait for a court date if we both signed the papers?


#20

If you both sign the papers then I believe that the divorce could be granted prior to the 30 days and there would be no reason to go to court. You would get a copy in the mail or from your attorney when it’s finalized.
I understand that you want this over with but what’s another month after this long?

It sounds like your ex is seeing a little reasoning on the whole subject. Personally, I would be wary of him being nice after so many threats, but that’s just me. Keep your focus. Make sure that you don’t let your guard down too far. Keep in mind that he is no longer your partner and that your “relationship” is strictly based on your child. My husband’s ex tried being nice to him when she first found out we were dating in the hopes that he would tell her something to use for custody. I’m not saying that your ex is doing this or will, but I would hate to see the ground you’ve gained be diminished because your ex is being nice and you don’t want to cause any more issues.