The majority of all courts are biased towards women. On average, women get custody 87-90% of the time. Your situation is a little different as mom has some serious issues. In your situation, a judge may overlook some of mom’s problems unless they’re serious and/or show repeated behavior. I would suggest the both of you contact father’s for justice, as they just started a group there in North Carolina. They can give you suggestions, advice, and moral support for the upcoming case.
How do you know shes addicted to crack , been evicted or has not completed court ordered task.you don’t know. The best thing you can do is encourage your fiancee to do what hes suppose to do and not worry about what the ex does, stop trying to put the ex down it only makes him look like a bad father/ person and you a stupid fiancee because you probably encourage it. If he has a LCSW and someone checking living condition then I’m pretty sure that the right dicission will be made, but untill you become wifey you are just a girlfriend in the courts eyes (a possible distraction) so the best thing you can do is have no words for anyone concerning his situation, so keep your hateful thoughts towards his ex to youself because your actions are also look at. Don’t let your actions cause him to lose his child.
Hawkman, thanks for the advice, I’ll definitely look into that Fathersjustice group.
FATHERDORIGHT, kiss my ass. I am not a stupid fiancee nor is my fiance a bad person. Nor are we slandering the ex. There is all proof to everything I said. The court is already aware of it, the lawyer has already got evidence while he’s been building up the case. The ex’s own mother is a witness to all of this. Honey, there is no way I am causing him to lose his own child. Speaking of keeping “hateful thoughts to oneself”, I’d appreciate it if YOU keep your hateful comments out of any posts I make in the future.
My hubby and I went through court with his ex and he has 50/50 joint of his kids, based on HIS agreement.
Unfortunatly he’s on his way back for contempt of court already and the ink on the papers are only dry since the begining of Nov.
Get pissed all you want, The facts still remain him nor the ex has custody of their child and the question is WHY. I’m telling you these thing not to slander you or him but to let you see whats coming down the road, its funny how people get write about all the bad thing their ex has done but forget about the thing they done, I’ve been through this in the courts and I got my child(full custody) but I went through hell and there was no question about my parenting so all I’m telling you the courts have questioned your fiancees and his ex parenting for them to give custody to a grandparent. so before you throw stone at me check yourself because I have my child and at the time I was going through what hes going through now I had a fiancee to but she was behind the scene, understand this women hate to see that their man has moved on escpecially if he is bringing their kids around another woman, the game changes into “Lets make him and his new Bitch misserable”.
The best thing to do would be to focus on the children. I was subpeonaed to court when my now husband went for his child custody and I was only his girlfriend at the time. The courts want to hear from anyone the children will be spending any amounts of time with. They can look into your background with requests from her attorney as well as your family. The courts can do anything to assure that the children are going to be looked after and treated well in the care of either parent. It’s possible in this situation that his mother’s temporary custody will be extended until both parties do as ordered. His visitations could be changed so that they are no longer supervised since he has done what was ordered to do. He could end up with primary custody and she still has supervised visitations.
The ex…well, let the courts find out that she hasn’t done what she was supposed to do. To the courts, this will show that she is not concerned with getting custody of her children. I do not think that you need to worry about the courts letting her have full custody in this scenario. If you have proof of some of the things that you think the courts do not know about that may improve his chances of getting custody give that information to his attorney and let him make the call. The courts do tend to frown on men and women throwing accusations at each other just to make the other look bad. Especially when it comes to custody. You don’t want him to look like he’s being vindictive, so my advice is, gather all the information and give to the attorney. I did a lot of research when my husband was going through his divorce and custody. I kept records of any incidents that had to do with her, the children and all of us. I made the files for him to take to his attorney. I did all this because he was so emotionally tied to this that he couldn’t tell if her threats of suing him for slander were viable. His ex threatened to sue him for slander after reading the papers from the courts. She said that he had no reason to attack her like that. I had to make sure he knew that slander is speaking about someone falsely, in a way that ruins their reputation, or causes them harm and they have to show that it was intended to cause them harm emotionally, physically, or finacially. Telling your attorney things that your STBX did with your children or while you were married and putting that into a custody motion is not considered talking publicly. If you have witnesses or proof, then they are not false statements. Keep that in mind.
Bottom line…do whatever is necessary to make him look good to the courts. Take pictures of his home, the children’s rooms, the neighborhood or community they play in and their school. Have witnesses that have seen him with the children and know their relationship. It will not make him look any better to make her look bad. Good luck and keep us posted.
OH! and btw, as a stepmother [:)]welcome to the club
Well Fatherdoright, you’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just the way you responded initially came off as a bit offensive, but I shouldn’t have been so rude in my response. It’s great that you have your child, obviously you earned it. And you’re right, obviously the courts have questioned both of their parenting or they wouldn’t have given temporary custody to a grandparent. Hopefully this will change though. Would you mind giving me some more straight-up advice and tips? How did you do it? What sort of things did you do to gain custody of your child, being a father in NC? I would be so grateful if you could help.
Thank you Stepmother, that was a very helpful post! And I am proud to be part of the stepmothers club.
I have one question though. My fiance is not yet divorced (we started dating after they were seperated.) If the courts wanted to talk to me, wouldn’t they consider that as a negative thing, for me to be around his daughter because he’s not yet divorced? I read somewhere courts will take into account a parent’s significant other, especially if the child is young, because the courts don’t want a child to be witness to such things? Or something like that. Plus on this site I read that technically what he’s doing is considered “adultery” because he’s still married, even though he’s seperated from her. I don’t really consider it adultery but I read somewhere legally it is. Wouldn’t the courts be against me and him for that?
Kayleee, what does 50/50 mean? One parent has the child for one half of the year, and the other parent for the other half? Or something like that? My parents had a weird custody agreement where my dad had us kids for 2 weeks, and my mom for the next 2 weeks.
I hope they don’t give 50/50 to my fiance, that wouldn’t be cool as his wife has been investigated by DSS for abuse & neglect and we would be worried about his daughter. Not trying to throw around slander or hate, just fact. I wonder if they would give 50/50 to him and his mom, if I stayed behind the scenes as fatherdoright suggested. But that’s not what he wants, he’s sick of his mother running rverything and calling the shots and making stupid excuses as to why his daughter can’t come over for her visits. “The house isn’t clean”… etc. “The house wasn’t clean the last two times I came over…” blah blah. It’s utter bullsh*t because I clean all of the time. It looks great in here.
We’re concerned that his mom is trying to take over FULL custody because she keeps making excuses for things. What does everyone suggest we do??
If his mom goes for full custody, I have a feeling they’ll likely give it to her, being that the judge gave her temporary custody in the first place. My fiance claims that the judge asked his mom if she would take on temporary custody but I think perhaps she filed for it. Never heard of a judge just asking someone if they wanted it…
h, and let me just add, his mother told me herself, private and personally, that her son was a good father. And he had his daughter alone for many months at a time because DSS would remove his wife from the home, and he would be the primary caretaker and by all accounts, he did an excellent job. I will swear to it in court if necessary that his mother told me that, because she did.
But we think she’s grown far too attached and doesn’t want his daughter to become attached to someone else, and just doesn’t want to give her up now. She told me she was going to tell the Lawyer “no, he can’t have her back” if asked her personal opinion, because supposedly he wasn’t spending time with her and wasn’t having his visits. Come to find out it’s because she keeps making excuses for it, like ‘the house isn’t clean’ or “we have somewhere else to be today.” Even though he has supervised visitation, his mother has let him take his daughter out to town, to eat and to the park and such, yet other times will make excuses for a real straight out supervised visit. It’s odd how she illegally lets him have unsupervised visits but now that it’s getting close to the custody case, she’s making excuses for why he can’t see the girl!
Doesn’t that sound suspicious?
You or your fiancee need to keep a record of everytime he has visitation or has tried and been refused!!!
I kept records for my SO and it really helped in court. I bought a calendar and marked every time he called and talked or called and was not allowed to talk. Every time he had visitation or visitation was refused, I also marked this on the calendar. In a notebook, I kept notes for the conversations and confrontations with dates that corresponded to the dates on my calendar. He took this to court and when the judge asked questions, he was able to have dates and the general conversations handy.
Most people are usually nervous in court and that makes it hard to remember important things. This calendar with corresponding notes helps to bring up any important issues and also prevents the Grandmother from saying he did not try to see his child. I would not let anyone know until it is needed that you are doing this.
I have not read all the posts, but will respond to what was intially posted.
There is not a bias towards mothers and fathers in the courts. The courts make a determination of custody based on the best interest of the child. The court will make a determination of the most stable and healthy environment for the childre or children, that could be the mother or the father.
It sounds like your fiance has been compliant with the orders of the court and that will play out positively for him when he goes back in front of the judge. The best thing he can do is to keep improving himself.
Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax
10925 David Taylor Drive, Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax
1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.
Thank you for the advice again, guys. I appreciate it.
To say that there is not a bias towards women in domestic courts is ABSOLUTLEY not true. How can you say that? That misconception is exactly why fathers, and grandparents go through the hell that they do in domestic courts. First off, there are statistics proving otherwise, and studies showing the effects of this bias n the kids.
I have seen a mother who keeps bouncing from job to job be ordered to pay $25 a month in support for 3 kids, and on the next case on the docket a man was ordered to pay 60% of his income in support. I’ve seen courts overlook BASIC procedures of law, and hand custody to a woman, when the court didn’t even have jurisdiction over the case, or even notify the father of the hearing. I’ve seen a mother who attempted murder/suicide with the kids in the car, be given full custody, after she claimed the father “beat her up” and the court discovered that her injuries were from her attempted suicide.
If there is no bias towards women, then why does North Carolina provide a free attorney for the mother, but not the father? How do all these things not fall into “bias”?
Yes legally he is still married and it would be considered adultery, but adultery is a misdemeanor and is rarely prosecuted. The courts may want to talk with you since you will likely play a large role in the child’s life. They are most interested in the child’s well-being and that will include whoever will be spending time with the child. As long as you are conservative in your displays of affection as you probably would be around ANY child I don’t think that the courts would look on this as the child witnessing anything. The courts should not look on it negative that he is engaged to someone since his divorce is not final. This happens more often than not so while it may be “frowned” upon, the courts may also see it as the child will have a more stable home with you and her father, than she has now.
You really need to record his mother making the excuses for not allowing him to have visits. He is entitled to his visits regardless of her opinion and if it’s a court order that he has visitation even supervised and is not allowed those then his mother could be held in contempt. Go get a recorder for the phone! Keep a calendar of events and incidents. Take pictures of his home. The house not being clean sounds to be an excuse. Unless you allow your home to be a health hazzard, and if you’ve had home visits to check living conditions, she should not be allowed to use this reasoning. If his mother is giving him excuses about visitations have it on record so that when she tries to say he isn’t visiting his child you guys will be prepared with that evidence as to why.
You can stay in the background to some extent because ultimately custody is between him and his ex, and his mother it would seem. I do not see the courts giving a grandmother permanent primary custody over one of the parents. It’s possible I suppose but I would say that the courts gave her temporary custody so that one or both parents could get their act together. One of them has. More than likely one of the lawyer’s will subpeona you to court, but I would go even if you are not required, as support for your fiancee and so that the judge can see that he has that support there.
My husband and his ex have joint legal and physical custody with 50/50 time. Their boys stay with us one week and then they go to their mother’s for one week. I’m not sure if the custody would be split with him and his mother…
I’ll be interested to hear how this turns out. Keep us posted.
The best advice is for him to be a father, award the child when need as well as discipline when necessary. 95% of custody battles are won by women because the man gives up, I here so many men complain about baby mama drama but if men stop listening to their girlfriends they wouldn’t have it,meaning stop taking your girlfriend over to your ex house to pick up your child, 9 time outof 10 your child is being questioned by your ex when they return home so don’t talk grown people talk around your child and if possible don’t bring women around when you have your child unless its a serious relationship.
Hawkman, I hope your do win your children. It sucks that the courts seem so biased.
Stepmother, thanks again for the help. You’ve been most helpful! I just hope that if they do subpoena me to court, I won’t be too nervous. It might make me look bad. I’ll be sweating with anxiety. The very thought of being up on a stand or something and being questioned terrifies me.
Fatherdoright, thank you very much for the advice. We’ll definitely implement it.
I’ll definitely keep you guys posted, because more than likely in the future I’ll have more questions to ask.
I had anxiety medication when I went to court. I thought I was going to be sick the entire time because I was terrified too. I went over everything in my past that could possibly be brought up. My parents even went with us. I had my calendar and all my notes with me too so that I could refer back to them if necessary but after all this I didn’t even have to testify.
Once I got in the room though, I realized that there weren’t that many people in there, it’s family court so it’s not like you see on TV, and everyone was there for the same reason. The children. They are all used to seeing people nervous. But some advice, dress nicely, no jeans. If you have to testify, when asked a question repeat it in your mind to give the attorney enough time to object to the question. Sustained means you don’t answer or “Shut your mouth”, overrulled, answer or “open your mouth”, easiest way to remember it. When you do answer, keep your answers honest, polite and short. Keep in mind that you know the truth about yourself regardless of what others think and be positive because you are there to support your fiancee and for his children.
Is it true that the mother usually gets full custody in NC? Currently my fiance is about to go back to court for custody of his daughter. The first time in court, he and his wife made several allegations about each other and the judge gave both of them supervised visitation. The judge granted my fiance’s mother temporary custody. He ordered both my fiance and his estranged wife to a) get evaluated by a LCSW, b) take parenting classes, and c) have a home visit to check living conditions.
My fiance has completed all of these things and has a steady job and owns a mobile home. The estranged wife has done none of the things the judge has ordered and is addicted to crack and has been evicted from a few different places.
Being that the mother probably won’t get full custody, does it look like my fiance has a shot? Or will his mother likely just get full custody while he just gets visitation? I heard somewhere that the courts in NC are biased towards women as full custodial parents and since his mother is currently the temporary custodial guardian, does that mean the courts will be in favor or her rather than him, although he’s done what the courts asked?