The reality of the situation is that unless your ex is using drugs or you have proof that she is abusing the children or committing crimes the courts will not take the children out of your ex’s life. If she is battling you over custody that means that she wants to be a part of their life and the court will do what is in the best interest of the children, which normally is to have both parents in their lives. If you are intent on being getting primary custody you will need to show why it is in the children’s best interest to be with you.
-can you provide a stable home environment
-will they be able to go to the same school
-are they currently with you and doing well in school
-do you have proof that their mother has done things that were not in their best interest
Remember that children often reflect the emotions of their parents and are unbelievably sensitive to what is going on around them.
Thanks for the response. Yes, I understand the “reality” of my situation. That’s the whole problem. The reality is that my ex has breasts and I don’t. I get it. Mothers have custody in 90% of the cases. Yadda Yadda Yadda.
It is very distressing to me that her years of adultery don’t count against her. It is very distressing to me that her constant attempts to alienate me from my children doesn’t count against her. It also bothers me that she snatched the kids out of my life - literally disappeared one day without warning - and turned up living 3 hours away from me… and it doesn’t count against her. Her emails, dozens of them, refusing to allow me to be a part of my kids lives don’t count against her. The bruises on my childrens arms from her “firm” discipline don’t count against her because my kids are too afraid to confirm that she is the one doing it to them. The suicide threats from my kids, because she keeps yanking them away from me anytime I get close, doesn’t count against her. The fact that, once again, I am trying to move closer to my kids and she has promised to flee again, doesn’t count against her.
You know why NONE of this counts against her? You know why I am estranged from my kids even though I have a stable life, am a better parent, and can provide a better financial future for them?
IT’S BECAUSE SHE IS THE “RIGHT” GENDER. Aside from beating my kids enough to put them in an emergency room or her ending up in jail for committing murder, I understand that it is unlikely that I will get custody of my kids. FINE.
What I want is primary custody so that they get more out of life than they get from her. She is an adulterous hick on welfare who refuses to get a job to support the kids. She alienates me from my kids because my few minutes when I pick up/drop off the kids makes my ex’s lover jealous. But none of that really matters. I get it.
Now, since I am posting in the “emotional issues” forum, can anyone give me resources that will give me encouragement or support and just save me the “realities” of my situation for another time?
I can’t believe that this country allows good people like me to kicked out of our children’s lives just because we are the “wrong” gender.
your wife having an affair does not necessarily mean she is a bad mother and the courts won’t think so either. You loved her, married her and had children with her so she can’t be that much of a monster, right? Instead of fighting her so hard why not work towards a better relationship for the sake of the kids? Why not enjoy the time you have with the children and focus on being the best father possible. Fight for as much custdy as you can get. Assemble all the facts that you can but keep in mind that your children will at some point need their mother and will want to be the ones to make the decision whether or not she should be in their lives.
Mal,
When I want brutally honest assessments of my current legal issues I post my inquiries in the LEGAL QUESTIONS forum where an attorney and well-meaning list members may share their opinions with me. When I need emotional support I come to the EMOTIONAL ISSUES forum. I stated very clearly, more than once, that I am aware of the difficulties of my situation. I also stated that I wasn’t looking for anyone, you in particular, to remind me of the “realities” of my situation, how hard my case is going to be, or to lecture me . I asked for information or resources that would give me a feeling of hope or that would give me a feeling of support. I am feeling very worried for my children and was looking for words of support. Either you didn’t read my message to understand what I was looking for, or you simple didn’t care. Either way, since you insist on perpetuating your lecture, I will set aside my propriety and respond to your diatribe directly.
You wrote: “your wife having an affair does not necessarily mean she is a bad mother”. Thank-you for your brilliant analysis. However, when my wife was having sex with another man in the same room as my daughter, would that not be considered “bad”? What about the number of times she strapped my daughter into a car seat so she couldn’t get up and plopped her in front of the television for an hour so she could go screw our plumber in my bed? Would that be considered GOOD parenting? What about the fact that my children were sometimes left at school with no way to get home because their mother was at home in bed with a man other than their father and lost track of time. How does that strike you?
I could let you go, but I turned the other cheek once with you already. I’m not doing it again. I don’t appreciate your pushiness - especially when I specifically told you once already that I am in this forum for support, not for stark reminders of my plight.
So, adultery doesn’t make a parent bad, eh? Explain this one to me… their mother was taking them to church each week. That was a good thing, right? Only, she was committing adultery nearly every Saturday night before church. My oldest children have figured this hypocricy out and are now lamenting the need for spirituality because they’ve seen what a “christian” woman is allowed to do and get away with. They can’t reconcile her actions with what they were taught at church. But, the spiritual lives of children doesn’t matter, does it? Parents aren’t responsible for a child’s spiritual guidance!
What about taking my children back and forth from my home to her lover’s home in the car and then telling them lies each time to explain what she was doing? I suppose the fact that my older children know their mother lied to them repeatedly and that they feel they can’t trust her doesn’t matter in a parent/child relationship. No, adultery has no impact on one’s ability to parent. We ALL know that!
Hmm… I also recall that the children overheard their mother swear “on the lives of my children” to me that she wasn’t having an affair. Whoops! It’s a good thing that swearing on their lives to a lie doesn’t make them feel belittled emotionally. Yeah, kids aren’t affected by stuff like that. Whew! If these kids weren’t hard as rocks they might actually feel some kind of confusion or rejection or pain or emotional distress over their mother using them to cover up her sordid activities. I mean, my 7 year old getting caught twice trying to hang himself in a school bathroom stall was all just fun and games! That darn kid! If I didn’t know better from smart people like you that adultery doesn’t make someone a bad parent, well, I’d think my little boy’s suicide attempt might have been related to the actions resulting from their adulterous mother. Thanks for sparing me that misunderstanding!
Her adultery didn’t lead to bad parenting! No! Of course not! I mean, she didn’t stick the kids in the car one day (while I was cooking dinner for the family) and drive off with them without any warning to any of us - NEVER to return again. Heck, what child wouldn’t just LOVE to not have the opportunity to say goodbye to their father when mama decides to flee across the country with them! I figure that most kids would give their right thumbs for such a privilege!
Mom puts the teenage boy to bed every night by 7pm, even during summer months, so she can spend the night talking on the phone with the man she had an affair with. My kids hear every word of the conversation and feel like mom cares more for her lover than she does for them. But that’s ok. Their just silly children. They’ll grow out of it. They’ll also probably forget the cruel words and coldness that her lover speaks to them when he comes to visit.
And the shack they are living in? It rocks! The neighborhood has only had 4 break ins over the past month. Good thing mom stays home watching Jerry Springer reruns all day instead of getting a job… that way she can protect them! Besides, if she got a job her food stamps and other welfare benefits might decline. What does that have to do with adultery? Well, her wonderful lover is a part time plumber and can’t afford to take on several more children unless mom is getting free food and housing perks from the government! Adultery rules! I love it!
And the best part? Mom’s lover is SOOOO jealous of her former husband that she agrees to not let daddy see his kids anymore. Why? Because mom might fall in love with dad again or something. (One can’t really understand the jealous mind of a lovestruck, homewrecking plumber!) So mom’s adultery yields a total alienation of dad from his kids. And when dad says he is going to pick up his life and relocate to be close to the kids mom replies that she’ll just flee again. So go ahead dad! Just TRY to have a relationship with the kids.
I’m so glad that adultery doesn’t make someone a bad parent!
I’m sick and tired of you people that feel self-righteous enough to lecture innocent victims like me and my children about how we should just “work towards a better relationship” with mom. I’VE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS! That monster of a woman, yes, I said MONSTER, stole my kids away from me - ripped them out of my life - and has thwarted every single attempt that I’ve made to maintain some measure of a relationship with them.
I DID NOTHING WRONG. I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. I WAS A GOOD HUSBAND AND AN EVEN BETTER FATHER!
To any of you who feel the need to lecture me on how I’m not doing good enough to “just get along” with the people who utterly refuse to let me have any relationship with my kids… keep your traps shut. I don’t want to hear it. At least not in THIS forum. I have spent years NOT taking my ex to court. I have spent years pleading with her to just let me be a part of my kids lives. I’m not begging anymore. My children have suffered at her hands and I’m not going to allow it to continue. I have NEVER suggested to my ex or to anyone in any forum that I want my ex to have any less than 50% of the time with our kids. I’m not a jilted husband seeking revenge. I love my kids, and because of that I want them to have as much time with their mom as they want. BUT I DESERVE TIME WITH THEM TOO! THEY DESERVE THE RIGHT TO ENJOY A FATHER’S LOVING GUIDANCE!
Mal, if you don’t like the way I responded to you perhaps you can learn a lesson. If someone goes into an EMOTIONAL ISSUES forum saying that he feels powerless, hopeless and begs people to offer some positive words of support - well… I suggest you keep your lectures about how we all just need to get along with the enemies that ripped out our hearts from our chests and tore our children out of our lives.
WOW that was a rant. I don’t think you are being fair to mal. They’re just trying to help. But I wanted to respond that there are men who have primary custody. My husband has it with his two. Although they go to their momma’s on the weekends, they are with us for the important stuff. No, she hasn’t taken them and run, but she does live 3 hours away. About once a year she will bring up some kind of issue with the custody, but logic and communication usually strengthens our stand. I do not know of any site that gives emotional support, although I have a feeling you have done the google thing and have found some on your own. Yes, if she is as bad as you say, then she shouldn’t have primary custody. One thing you need to remember though, no matter how much you dislike her or her actions, do not let yourself fall into hating her. Think about it, your children are 1/2 her. If you hate her, you are hating 1/2 of your children. Some days that is the only logical thought that keeps my anger at my ex in check. And from what I have seen, parents (custodial parent or not) are as involved in their child’s life as they want to be. Talk to teachers, coaches, and councelors. If there are school activities, go. If there are sports events, go. If there are church programs, go. Talk to them when they are away from you. Send them letters, registered if need be. I am not saying you haven’t tried. But you’re going to have to compensate for her actions. It is not fair, but being a parent is hardly ever fair. You can rip my advise like you did mal’s, that is your choice. But putting you info on here you are asking for input. I wish you luck. Ohhh, I had a thought, why does the ex need to know you moved closer? Sure she’ll find out eventually, but if you can establish yourself first, maybe you will have a better chance to show your intent is honorable and hers is malicious.
My youngest stepson went through much the same thing along with anxiety attacks. He would physically hit himself in the head, scream and cry that he wanted his mother. This was when he was only 6 or 7. The counselor told us not to make a big deal out of that behavior and to make sure that he didn’t hurt himself. Getting his mind off of it and in ten minutes he was fine. He is a very emotional and dramatic child anyway and from what I have been able to tell he gets this from his mother. He only knew how to “throw a temper tantrum” or a fit to get his feelings out. He loves me, I have no doubt about that but he wanted his mom and dad together and didn’t feel it was fair that he couldn’t spend time with both of them at the same time. He didn’t understand and though the marriage was miserable, that was what he was used to. He’s getting better at dealing with his emotions as he gets older, but then again, he’s 9 now so we haven’t hit the teenage years yet. Teenagers are prone to more emotional outbursts, mood swings and dramatic behavior if they aren’t ignoring you all together…
Your children have all these emotions and feelings about you and their mother separating but they do not know how to express them. They are angry, scared, hurt. But please do not make the mistake of believing that though they are unhappy, they do not still love their mother and want to be with her. I realize more and more that my husband’s ex isn’t very nurturing as a mother nor is she very mature. She wants to be their friend more than a parent. I do not believe that either of them respect her, but they still love her. I know that all this will come back around to her later…it always does. I have faith that the children will turn out alright because we have already seen, when they are with us that they are fairly normal given all they have been through in the last couple of years.
If your children are depressed and unhappy then you need to get them in to talk with a family counselor. The best thing that happened was when my oldest stepson found out that there were other kids in his class that had divorced parents too. It made him realize that he was not alone and that there were others that had gone through the same issues or worse and were ok. If they are hurting themselves, file for emergency custody and gather all the facts to show that the situation they are in now is why they are behaving this way and get them attention on this. Children learn how to handle situations and emotions by example. It sounds as though you are very level headed about all this and though desperate and a little depressed, I don’t believe that they have been around you enough to have gotten this drastic behavior from you.
I’m not sure that there is anyone that can tell you somewhere to read or something that will “give you hope”. You have to find it in yourself and believe that they will be alright regardless of what happens. You have to be strong for them and for yourself. You have to make sure that they know beyond any doubt that you are there for them regardless of where you are physically or how long it’s been. Your ex’s boyfriend is never going to be as nice to your children as you would like, because those are not his children or stepchildren. He has nothing invested in them and it sounds like he really does not care. If your ex is not paying attention to that fact then you have to. This is a possibility with anyone that either of you date, btw. But if she does not have her children’s well-being foremost in her life then that should be able to be shown in court with a few of the instances you mentioned…Make sure they have a way to contact you any time they need to.
Find someone to talk to about this. Whether it’s a girlfriend, a co-worker that has gone through it also, or a support group, it doesn’t matter who as long as they are on your side.
The court system is not always what we believe it should be. The more responsible parent does not always get custody. The other parent does not ever get enough visitation time. Parents argue over things about the children that, were they still married, they would never even worry about, like who bought their last pair of shoes. Instead, what it all boils down to is who has more money to afford the longer court battle and better attorney. The attorneys and even the judge does not have to live with the repercussions of their decisions. They do not have to worry if something that they say in court is going to ruin a child’s life. They get paid to do a job. Sometimes they win and sometimes they don’t…they still get paid.
Try reading some on www.f4j.com if you haven’t already been to those sights. Also, when your searching for an attorney, find out what they believe on marriage and children before hiring one to represent you and your children. You want an attorney who has the same morals that you have with knowledge of the law.
Hopefully, some of the other fathers on this site, that have had some of the same issues with custody will respond also…
EDIT: the last poster had a good point about moving closer and not informing the ex until you are established…
And also about your previous post towards mal. If I remember correctly, mal and her husband just went through the process recently as you are doing to get more time with his child/children…
Most of us on here have gone through similar situations and worse and have experiences that you can gain information and insight from. All we can do is relate what we know or try to give what we consider to be helpful information. We’ve all been bitter, angry and hurt at one time or another and understand the need to lash out at someone since we can’t get a hold of the ex (or would do jail time if we did). That is the reason that we sometimes posts things that we know, having been through the court system, are useless to even dwell on because it will have no effect on the current situation. And that in the long run you would be better off letting go of. It’s not always easy to separate the emotion from the legal in something that affects you and your children so much and something that changed your life so drastically.
Your wife cheated on you. Your wife left you and took the children. She is mean to the children and so is her boyfriend. He is trying to do everything possible to keep you out of her life because he doesn’t trust her, so therefore, she is trying to keep you out of the children’s lives so there will be minimal contact with her.
What you can do is to file for primary custody, gather your information, hire a good attorney and pray. Accept what happened and focus all your energy on your children and what you CAN do for them, instead of on what your ex does or doesn’t do. Your job is to show the court that you are in the best position to care for your children. That it would be in their best interest to be with you. Don’t worry about showing that your ex is a bad mother, but that you are a better father.
Have faith that your ex will pay one day for what she did to you and your family. I have seen it happen. Have faith that the guy she is with will never trust her because what she did to you, she could do to him. Have faith that it will take a lot for her to ever be truly happy and it’s quite possible that she will be miserable.
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to get carried away but things I have been through and the experiences I have had make me constantly look at the big picture and what the end result may be instead of worrying myself sick over the details. Those expriences have made me realize I was wasting my energy on situations that I couldn’t contol and in the mean time I was neglecting the important things in life. I had to learn to pick my battles and realize that things work out the way they are supposed to regardless of whether or not it’s the way I want them to be. I also wouldn’t change anything if I could…because all of those experiences make me who I am now.
I do wish you the best of luck and hope that you will keep us posted about your situation. We are here to support you, even if it doesn’t seem that way to you right now.
Thanks for your responses. I am especially appreciative of Stepmother’s empathy.
I’m sorry, Mal, for my terse attitude. I know you were only trying to help.
I have never wanted to take our children away from their mom. I have never, not a single time in 2 years, insulted or spoken to her in a demeaning way. I don’t particularly like her, but as Mal said, she was okay enough for me to marry her in the first place.
Yesterday I was at the end of my ability to deal rationally with this situation. My former wife has engaged in a concerted effort to alienate me from our children. In the meantime, our children have been made to suffer. I only want to help them. Everything I had been hearing and reading yesterday told me that I can’t help my children because I’m a man and the courts don’t typically support men in their roles as fathers. All I needed were words of empathy rather than cold, hard, truth.
Again, I’m sorry for feeling so hurt by all this as to cause me to misinterpret your well-meaning intent, Mal.
I hate conflict! All this court junk eats away at me. I don’t like to fight. I feel like I have no choice though. Hopefully mediation will make a difference.
no worries, it actually sounds a lot what my husband went through with his ex. He was totally in your shoes, angry, bitter, hurt, betrayed…it took a couple of years and a lot of praying before he was able to get himself through it. This was before I ever met him. He won’t let himself dwell on all the bad things she did like leaving her children alone to rendezvous with a married man. Stepmother is right, we went through a custody thing for almost 8 months…he had to pay a lawyer and a counselor for months of sessions and sit across from his ex as she smirked and asked why he wanted to be around his young son. It took every ounce of energy for him not to throttle her. My understanding is that in NC the courts will try and give joint custody. You must keep your records, record phone calls, keep e-mails, take photos…whatever it takes to prove your case. Your judge doesn’t care if your ex was adulterous - he just wants to what is in the best interest of the children - and that is what you need to want as well and you need to say that and be able to prove that YOU can provide them with stability, security etc.
In all likelihood your lawyers will settle before it ever gets in front of a judge. Be prepared that filing for custody does not mean you immediately get a court date, you will have to go through counseling to try and achieve some sort of agreement. The counselor will meet with you several times and will meet with the children and then write up a recommendation which you and the lawyers get. If you and your ex don’t agree with that recommendation it goes on to your lawyers and a court date. If the lawyers can’t make you come to an agreement it will go in front of the judge.
The websites that Stepmother cited were very helpful to us.
I somewhat agree with the original poster… sex matters in NC.
i am in same boat as he basically and doubt I can win, not because I am not a good father and she a bad mother but because even though I am a good father, and she is a bad mother, she isn’t bad enough. Minor child abuse isn’t enough to take a kid away from their mother. it is enough to take a kid away from his father and put daddy in jail however. That isn’t my situation but based on the domestic viloence mess i have been in during the past with my ex, that’s what happens. SHE violated a restraining order against HER 3 times, and got off basically scott free. She Had to take some classes - i had to beg and plead for that as the ‘victim’, some of which she didn’t complete yet and the case was dismissed/closed because she tried and did some of them. What a crock wake county. If I was the defendent, I would have been in jail on the 1st offense. It isn’t fair, it sucks. That’s why, I can’t get my kids. Gender bias and discrimination. All I would do is pay some lawyer good money I can’t really afford to blow on losing, and pay the judges etc during the process by keeping them alittle busy. It’s a game. Not who is the better parent, but who can pay to be the better parent. Now if I had $1,000,000 I could win. If I was female and had 5-10k, easy as long as the father didn’t have $1,000,000 to fight. So, all i can do is treat my kids well when i have them, make good memories with them and hope they don’t end up as criminals and hope they go onto college like I did (and unlike their mother did). There mother is lazy, no ambition and doesn’t even care anything about the kids except of course the >$1,000/month check she gets from me. SHe works part-time because she has to not wants to. SHe is a big huge leach. It is a shame. Thanks North carolina for screwing my kids up. Yeah, I married her, but she changed for the worse and enough was enough…
AVICTIM,
I started posting in these forums over a month ago because I am in the middle of disputing custody with my former wife. I have never asked for for more than a fair amount of visitation. Currently I get about 4 days a month… not what any rational person would consider “fair”. Anyway, I had 13 years of history with this woman and knew her nature. I had strong suspicions that she would try to thwart my relocation to my children’s town so I could be close to them by repeating a previous tactic she had used: she fled to another part of the state. I came to these forums seeking advice on what I could do should she try to run off again.
I knew she was a malicious and controlling person, but I was caught off guard by what happened next. Rather than preempt my relocation by running away again, she decided to utilize the most despicable tactic any vindictive mother can use: she filed a sexual abuse charge against me.
I am now in the fight for my life. At this point, I can’t even think about custody. I am facing the potential of losing all contact of every kind with my children, of going to jail, of having to pay all of her attorney and “expert witness” fees in addition to my own, and the list goes on. This has the potential to ruin my new family. I have recently remarried and have stepchildren. Who will support them if I’m thrown in jail?
Let me tell you this much - I feel your pain! You are totally right… there is little justice to be found in North Carolina (and most of the US for that matter) if you are a man. The fact that you are an exceptional father with dozens of witness willing to attest to your superior parenting, the fact that your ex has borderline personality disorder, the fact that your children have been severely mentally abused by being taught that “daddy molested you”… none of that really matters.
I have assembled hundreds of pages of resource material and about 50 or so helpful web sites to educate myself. I recommend that you purchase some books on child custody and learn as much as you can. I truly believe, after all I studied, that it IS possible for a father to win custody. But you have to play it smart. Come up with a strategy and document, document, document. Don’t communicate with your ex unless you have to - anything you say will be used against you. Keep the necessary communications short, polite and respectful. It is not against the law in NC to secretly audio or video tape your conversations with her.
Don’t you wimp out! If you love your children then realize that they need you to fight for them! You and I both need to vent sometimes about how unfair things are… but once it is out of your system take action! Be proactive. Become an expert in custody matters for fathers. Children need both parents to grow up secure and with good mental health. Fight for THEM!
Now. Do something today to prepare for your battle. If you know that you absolutely won’t be able to come up with enough money, then learn all you can and make preparations to fight pro-se if you have to. Just don’t roll over and let her eliminate your rightful place in your children’s lives.
Trust me, it is not just sex that matters but who you know. And I am 100% with you about a cheating parent being a BAD parent. Maybe if the was in the laws, cheating spouse doen NOT get but minimal right to children, these self centered idiots might think twice. If not, we KNOW for sure they don’t care about their kids(who are we kidding, all NON cheaters are on one side and cheaters say oh I love my kids…boohoo). If you love your kids, you do what is right, not what feels good. WE all know that is true. If you love your kids, you won’t make them have a stigma of having an adulterous parent whom people judge. Including the child when they grow up. Go ahead an defend an adulterer. As if they care about anyone but themselves.
Kid yourself some more people. They care about themselves and that is why they find another loser that does it with them…may they all have it done back to them by THAT person and more!!!
Nice to hear there is a nice faithful god fearing man out there. Not to stereotype but I am mad at male species right now…female too who am I kidding. Head up my friend…you certainly can’t do worse that the loser you lost!!!
ldb
Oh Custodyresearcher, I am so sorry for your pain and plight. When you became angry at Mal and somewhat ranted, I read every word and I really wish things will get better for you.
I see the post was written in 07, so maybe things have become better? What has happened with the sex abuse charge?
I am a woman but I agree that men often get shafted in the custody process. I am so sorry you are going through this.
melaniekitty,
Eventually the sex abuse allegation was unsubstantiated. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. As time went on I came to discover that my ex had made a second child sex abuse allegation against me. I also discovered that she had made 2 previous attempts to get DSS to investigate me during the previous 2 years. In the process of all this madness she has had my little girl examined repeatedly for signs of sex abuse. These repeated examinations and continued brainwashing have been very traumatic for her. The result has been that my daughter has developed some very severe emotional problems that are impacting her mental and physical health. She has developed an eating disorder and has started wetting the bed again - in addition to other significant problems. I recently snuck my daughter to a doctor without my ex knowing to have her evaluated and was told that she displays many signs that she has been experiencing extreme emotional abuse by her mom and needs professional help as soon as possible.
I have a hearing in a month to petition the court to compel a full physical and psychological evaluation for my children (all of whom have displayed numerous symptoms of abuse, including suicide threats and self-inflicted physical punishments). I’m very distraught. My children are being tormented by a mother who uses them as instruments to try to hurt me with and right now there isn’t much I can do about it.
My attorney has advised me not to try to go through child protective services for a number of reasons, including the fact that they will simply see my claims as retaliation for my ex’s sex abuse allegations against me. Also, CPS isn’t very well equipped or trained to handle cases of emotional abuse because this kind of abuse rarely leaves physical evidence. Instead, we are going to try to have the children evaluated by professionals for abuse and use their recommendations to petition for a change in custody to protect them from their abuser. The evaluation is going to cost me almost $5,000. On top of what I’m paying for this high priced (but very successful) attorney, I’m feeling great financial strain on top of the emotional burden all this is inflicting on my family.
Custodyresearcher, what that woman is doing is so sickening and horrible. A good loving father should never have to face such horrific lies and accusations. It’s so obvious how much you care about, and are worried about, your children, and their mental state, whereas she just seems to be using them as a pawn in her malicious game. Even if she’s not physically abusing them (I can’t remember if you said she was or not,), she is definitely, DEFINITELY abusing them. Her claims of sexual abuse is what is sexual abuse, in my opinion. I’m sure she’s interrogating the child and probably telling her what to say to DSS and etc etc… isn’t that how it usually goes in such cases? So in a way, I feel that the mother brainwashing the daughter into saying she’s sexually abused (or whatever the case may be) is sexual abuse, because she’s a child and shouldn’t have such knowledge. And of course it’s mental/emotional abuse. And it has happened so many times before, when a vindictive woman is trying to keep control of her kids, she claims abuse, violence, or even worse, sexual abuse. What goes around comes around, and one day she’ll get hers. I feel so bad for you and your children… the financial burden must be hard, I understand. But definitely worth it in the long run. A quality evaluator should be able to see the signs of the kids brainwashing, coaching, and mental/emotional abuse and write a very favorable report for you. Maybe ex-wife should be evaluated to show that she definitely has some mental issues.
DSS and etc sucks… they really aren’t equipped to handle such stuff, I agree. The evaluation is a really great idea no matter how pricey. I hope things work out for the best… Those children really need to be away from that horrible woman. I’m all for father’s rights! 50/50 is usually the best thing to do when both parents are good parents. I read another post of yours where you said it’s not right how judges often decide how much time you get to spend with your kids and I agree fully. And when you mentioned how judges will do like, 70/30 and the father is the one recieving the 30… when it’s their children too!. Well, I agree with your position on the issues completely.
In NC statues, supposedly the law is that there is no bias between men and women nowadays, there is no parental preference, but that’s a bunch of bull****, there is definitely very strong gender bias. Anyway, like I said, 50/50 is the best thing in most cases. However in this particular case, I think it would be better for you to have full custody until she gets the mental help that she needs. I hope a judge will order that she recieves mental help. Stay strong!
I forgot to add something: I hope you continue to post updates on your case! A lot of people post once and then never return to post the update of what happened. I’ve been on this website a couple of years gathering as much info as I can for my child’s father and have never seen the same person post twice, for the most part (except for the poster Stepmother.) I particularly am interested in hearing your updates and victories because like I said, I am for father’s rights, equal parental rights, and it p*sses me off so bad when good fathers get screwed over. A lot of posts by some of the users here are the same-old, same-old, but in your case I strongly empthasize. So, I hope you will continue to update. 
I am a father. My wife ran off with our kids after I discovered her affair. I have spent the last two years battling her over custody issues out of court. I want to have a better custody arrangement than I have now. Everything I read indicates that gender bias is so strong that there is very little chance of me getting primary custody of my children. Their mother isn’t a very good parent - but that apparently doesn’t matter. I am filled with fear and stress. My children are depressed and unhappy. One of them has hurt himself physically several times over the situation. I feel powerless to help them.
Can anyone direct me to a resource such as articles, message boards, books or ANYTHING that can give me hope? I feel worn down and helpless.