Children


#1

You’d be surprised. It’s not all that unique. There are simply some people who believe that their need for revenge outweighs the needs of themselves, their family, and their children. You are going through very similar to what I’m going through, except you are divorced.

It sounds as though your ex needs to control people…and she knows the one way to still get to you is through the kids. Now that you have a girlfriend, she is feeling replaced not only in your mind, but possibly even more importantly, in the minds of her children. This is what is triggering her to behave in this manner. When you offered to give up your rights, she saw that possibility of control going away and found a way to reinstate it by threatening you with “making you pay forever.”

Do not give up on your kids, for their sakes. Eventually, if you stay calm and professional when dealing with the mom, they will grow to see the situation as it is. Insist upon seeing your children. If the ex refuses, document that in writing and date it every single time it happens. Keep evidence that will later demonstrate to your children and to the courts that you made every attempt to maintain contact with them. (Even if you have to send letters to them certified mail, return receipt requested.)

Do not allow your ex to emotionally draw you in to fight. Document everything, all threats, all broken promises, all conversations. Document when the kids demonstrate behaviour that is worrisome. Develop a calendar, record conversations, put the majority of your communications in emails (save them with their headers, make backups). Treat every discussion as evidence.

Set boundaries with your ex and do not let her cross them. When she finds that a certain series of her actions are ineffective, she will try another route. Don’t give her the satisfaction of reaction, unless it is something you want. Reward your ex for good behaviour, punish her with non-reaction for poor behaviour. This will also help you with your GF as she probably feels like her life is being controlled by a 3rd party. (Keep the lines of discussion open between you two.)

As far as legal advice goes, if you can’t afford a lawyer, I’m not sure what to do, but I can tell you that if she draws you into court, have as much evidence as you can muster on your side.

As an aside…and this is just a hunch since it so closely parallels my situation, read everything you can on borderline personality disorder. Mediation rarely works with those who have this disorder. They will agree on things only to change their mind when their mood shifts or when a new trigger causes them to feel inadequate.

Good luck and God Bless.


#2

Is there currently a custody order in place?

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com/live for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Durham & Chapel Hill Office
1829 East Franklin Street
Building 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
(919) 321.0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#3

there is a custody order in place that allows me to get the children at 4pm on every other friday and return them on sunday at 4pm. but because I said that I would give them up, she is refusing to allow me to see them or talk to them at all. she has even said, that I could get every law enforcement officer from the surrounding areas to come to her house and I would not get them.

Can she do this? I have a parenting agreement, signed by a judge, can she keep me from my children if I go there with a police officer? Or can the police get them for me?

More inportantly, is getting the police involved, having them take the children and give them to me this way, the best thing for the children?

This is what I am faced with. Which evil is the lesser when it comes to their best interest?

Jonathan


#4

If you have a custody order in place, and have not REPLACED that order with a new one, then she is in contempt. I don’t care if she lives with the whole police force, she is in violation of the order and you can issue a show cause and drag her into court to explain WHY she is refusing to let you see your children.

DO NOT agree to reduced visitation. DO NOT EVER give up your rights to your kids simply because your ex is a demon and you don’t want to deal with her. Do you want her to outweigh your children??? You will regret it for sure one day if you let her “win”.

Document all days you have been forced to miss because of her refusal to let you see the kids. I believe you can file a Show Cause yourself and have it served to her. Yes she will be mad and yes she will fuss, scream and holler, but you have to stand your ground. You’re asking for time with YOUR children. A court will not deny this to you and if she’s holding them from you, she will be held accountable.


#5

The best interest for the children is to know both of their parents…unless one of them is an abuser or has some sort of major psychological issues. Don’t let your ex bully you and don’t give up your rights to see your children. If you do this will come back to haunt you. Your children will feel as though you abandoned them. My husband’s ex maintained that joint custody would be too traumatic for their son. That he didn’t want to spend the additional time with his father. That driving 10 miles would be too much of a hassle. She fought it tooth and nail. What does an 8 yr old child know or understand? Since we “won” joint custody he has blossomed into a great kid, lost weight,gotten more athletic, loves being around his dad and is secure in knowing that he has 2 homes where he is welcome and his parents love and support him.


#6

Please do not let her continue to do this. You have a custody order and though you agreed to reduce the visitation, you still could have a case.
Show up to pick up your children on your schedule time. DO NOT pull into the driveway. Have your copy of the order with you. Call and ask that the children come outside. When that doesn’t work, contact the police department to come to the residence and show them the court order. Her husband should know that a court order must be followed. Think about a loan or something because it sounds like you can’t afford NOT to have an attorney.

Keep in mind that you do not HAVE to deal with her fussing, screaming, arguing. If it’s not a valid reason having to do with you picking the children up, dropping the children off or any other situation you do not have to listen to it. Hang up on her. Let her rant and rave to her husband. If she calls about school, your girlfriend, hang up. If she calls and requests a parent/teacher conference again, make sure that you are there. Though I’m not certain of the regulations, your girlfriend should inform her boss of the situation in case there are more issues. She won’t be your son’s teacher forever, but until your ex is knocked down a peg or two by the courts, disclosure is the best advice I could give.

Get a recorder on your telephone. Record her stating that she would agree to this or that…record anything that you think you may be able to use later. You don’t have to tell her that she’s being recorded.
If she’s anything like my husband’s ex, when she gets mad enough she gloats about what she’s done or going to do…like admitting she keyed my car…we got the recorder the next day but couldn’t get it on record then. She began calling his cell phone and we wouldn’t have been able to hide the recording device from the children. My husband’s ex fed off his anger so the more she said that angered him the better she felt. I found it amusing that she was on her 4th boyfriend when he and I met and this one was living with her and she was still soooo angry that he was moving on.
My suggestion to him was to quit arguing with her. What happened during the marriage and even after is over and done with and there’s nothing you can do to change any of it. If it was ever your job to “make things right” with her, she fired you from that job when she left.
What is going on in your life right now is none of her business and she has no control over it. Talk to her boyfriend (if you can), ask him if it bothers him that his girlfriend is this worried about what her ex is doing. Keep in mind though that he is on her side.
It’s not affecting the children. Tell her your sorry that you moving on is upsetting her this way but that there’s nothing you can do about it.
Document everything. Document everything. Keep receipts, and you both let your bosses know what is going on in case there are problems down the road. Do as much communicating in writing as you can and keep that for documentation.
Most importantly do NOT give up on your children. They need you even if their mother will never admit that.


#7

You can enforce your current custody order by utilizing the police. If that continues to be a problem you can go back to court and ask them to modify the exchange procedures so that you and your ex do not have to have any contact.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com/live for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Durham & Chapel Hill Office
1829 East Franklin Street
Building 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
(919) 321.0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#8

I have what I think is a unique problem.
My ex and I have been divorced since Sept. 2007 and seperated since Sept. 2005. I left because of the constant arguing one week before my youngest child was born. I was at my limit. Our seperation agreement was signed in january of 2006 and everything was running pretty smoothly. My ex placed the children into daycare in april of 2006 and I had to start paying half of this money, no problem. I had to take on a part time job in order to do so, but no problem. When my son (4 at the time) started preschool, the daycare expenses dropped, no problem. I met my son’s teacher and we hit it off and started dating. We were very careful not to bring the children into our relationship so that my son would not take advantage of this in the classroom. We did not inform my ex that we were dating for this reason as well and because she would have caused problems.
In January, she found out that we were dating by requseting a parent teacher conference and confronting my girlfriend. My girlfriend told her that we were in fact dating and that the particulars of our relationship together were none of her business. This inraged my ex and since then she has made it her mission to split my girlfriend and I up and make my life a living hell. She has tried to get my girlfriend fired from her job, created problems for her there and began in March, refusing to let me see or talk to the two children. My ex, is living with a Detective with the local sherriff’s department and has developed an attitude that she is untouchable. The local police will not inforce any action unless it is signed by a judge, and I went until the end of May without seeing my children and not being able to do anything about it.
My ex filed a motion to modify the custody order in March and on the 24th of March we started mediation. Everything that I suggested to try and resolve our issues was met with opposition, and ended up with me regretfully accepting a reduced visitation agreement than I originally had. More argueing insued and I finally told my ex that I could no longer put my children through the torment that they were going through. She had on many occasions suggested that I give up my partental rights and it would be over. I told her that I would give them up and she an I would no longer have to deal with each other. SHe refused to do this, stating that I was going to pay. I agreed to continue paying child support on the two children and she agreed that she would no longer hold me responsible for the uninsured medical expenses, medical insurance or half the work related daycare. When I asked her to get it in writting a few days later, she refused, stating that I was gong to pay til the day that I die.
What can I do to get something settled with my ex? The strain has caused my girlfriend and I many problems, the children many problems that are becoming visible, and just generally making my life more difficult than I can handle.
I realize that I haven’t touched every aspect of the situation in this posting, that would be intirely to long to read. But any help from anybody would be great. Because I have no Idea what to do, my ex has already contacted Legal Aide, and I do not have the money to hire an attorney.
I just want this all to end and be settled so that I can move on with my life and start over.

Please help me?

Jonathan

Jonathan