What matters after divorce granded


I can’t seem to find anything on this matter in hand.

I have been told that my ex hired a PI. For what, is beyond me. He started having an affair when he got back home to his home state (we were still married). They just broke up at the end of last month. I started dating (kinda) I never slept with him, only talked on the phone, spend a group together with our friends a few times. I rented his home from him for the kids and I. Still never slept with him.

I have ton’s of picture’s on his life when he went back home to his family. Not only that, but also statement from his family on what he has been doing. Statements about where he was staying and allowing our son to watch while his daddy and girlfriend at the time were sleeping together in the same bed with my son in the room as well. Allowing this girl to be around my son, as daddy protrayed her to be with him (like he was use to seeing mommy and daddy).

I never asked for seperation support, or any money. How is it that he can use a PI against me for child custody? I’ve never abused my children, (unlike him). Never left my children alone, never been in trouble, don’t do drugs (never have in my whole life), I have a job (unlike him), and I’m a full time college student.

I just found out that his now ex girlfriend kick not only him out, but also my 3 yr old son. His family didn’t want him moving back in with them, so he moved into a small apartment with his two adult half brothers. So in speaking, there are 3 adult and 1 child in this small apartment. He has been staying there since the end of July maybe the very beginning of Aug. He never told me one thing.

He has given me every single excuse in the book to not bring my son back to me. My son was to be back at the end of July. Then it went to Aug 12th with a promise from his family that my son would be back home. That never happened! We made an agreement that I would meet him half way to get my son this past weekend, that never happened! I would really like my son back home. When I talk to my son, he cries saying he wants to come home.

My ex pulled this on me yesterday. He said that since he live’s in IL that I have to go by IL laws. I guess I’m either stupid or just way stupid! I thought since our order is in NC that he has to obey the order in hand. Am I correct in this?

He left NC, I stayed here. So, if he was told in the courts that he has to drive here to pick up our son and bring him back, doesn’t that apply? He states that since he lives in IL, that IL is that, I have to drive all the way there to get him.

Okay back to the PI stuff. I married my best friend. Yes, the man who I spent countless hours on the phone with during my seperation period, and went out with all our friends together. Now, can he use him against me in our custoday case? Can he use a ‘true’ man with nothing bad ever in his past? A sunday school teacher at that? If there is no solid proof of any inercourse (which there never was, until I had my divorce papers in hand)?

I know this may be odd to ask, but I’m really having to deal with a child (ex) here. He has gotten his family so mad that they don’t even care if he ends up in jail.

He has no job, won’t do anything but for sit around the house and be on the computer. Won’t go to school, and also has failed to return my son as ordered. Any understanding would be greatly needed.

Thank you.


As I have previously advised you, you need to go and get your son and then file a motion to hold the father in contempt here. The NC order is still effective and IL does not have jurisdiction.

Your relationship with your present husband will have not effect n custody unless this man is a danger to your child.


I attempted to do as you have stated before.

I asked my ex one more time, which my attorney asked me too. If he was going to bring my son home, or if i drive all the way there, was he going to give me my son to bring home.
My ex’s response to that was, “My son is better off there”. I called the local law inforcement office and am faxing them a copy of our order as we speak. They told me, they would have to take it to their DA to find out if the order can be forced in their state. If they are allowed to assist me in the matter.

I’ve contacted my attorney yesterday as well and he is going to try to get an emergnancy order signed by the judge to bring him into court. I’ve also contacted the DA here in my county and they are going to the court to get a copy of the order and see if they can get an order called ’ custudian interferance’ something like that.

I balled my eyes out all day yesterda and in class which couldn’t allow me pay attention in class. I had a pounding headache. I tried my best to keep it out of the classroom, but was unable too. This is really making my emotions into a roller coaster.

Are you able to please explain what a ‘Custudian Interferance’ means?


I do not practice in the area of criminal law, however the NC order is enforceable in any of the other states pursuant to full faith and credit. My best advice is to go get your son and file a motion for contempt when you return.



Here is what went on yesterday.

The Chief of police from his home town called yesterday. He said that he received the faxed copy of our order and had taken it to their DA office. The DA said that since the order is over a yr old, (1 yr, 1 month) that they can’t get in the middle of anything. They can’t even honor it.

I asked my ex if I drive there can I get my son, he said, “no, L is better off there”. I have attempted to go your route. If I don’t have the town support of the police department, then how am I able to get my son?

My ex went to the Chief for his appt. The Chief advised him what is right and wrong. Then the chief called me to let me know what happened. Here is it.

My ex told the Chief that his attorney said our order was only for two months. That my ex didn’t have to bring my son home. That his attorney told him basically to do what he please’s. The Chief told me to contact my attorney. I did, and as I was on the phone with the attorney, my ex texts me saying he is calling me. I asked him to hold on because I’m on the phone and will call him.

I called him and ex said that he had three things to say,

  1. that his attorney said that the order was for only two months.
  2. that my attorney said all we have is property to settle and that custody/visitation was already done
  3. that if he knew that what he was signing to only have our son for 4 weeks a year, then he wouldn’t have signed it.

I answered them with this,

  1. No this may be a temp order, but it is the order in hand and you have to go by it.
  2. no that isn’t true. Remember when I called you two or three months ago and told you we needed to sit down and go over visitation? Do you remember that I had gotten a letter from my attorney stating that we need to settle this before the 1 yr mark? He said yes. I then said, let me pull up the email that was sent to my attorney about custody/visitation and property. I did then read it.
  3. I told my ex that this was a temp order. That in our divorce papers it stated that we would handle custody/visitation and property at a later date. No one knew that it would be a yr or so later. I told you to get ahold of your attorney because mine kept trying and we were not getting anything back. You failed to do anything to what I asked of you.

So in saying this, he told me to call my attorney to call his attorney and he would bring my son back home tomorrow (which would be today). So, I called my attorney who called his attorney and my attorney said that his attorney did call him and told him that he needed to bring the child back to me ASAP but for me to be nice by meeting him half way. I said okay.

I texted my ex and asked him if his attorney called him. He said no. I told him to call him. He said he will. I then later asked again, and he said that his attorney would call him back. As of 9pm last night, my ex said he still hasn’t spoken to his attorney. I really don’t know if I should believe him or not. There is only today and tomorrow that he would be able to be on the road to bring my son for me to meet him half way. I feel my ex is going to plan on not talking to his attorney and use the “I don’t have a way there” again, when in fact my ex made it clear to me that his “girl-friend” can bring him either today or tomorrow.

Oh, and my attorney made a statement to me before hanging up. ‘Prepare for trial’ What in the world does that mean?

My ex or I, have been to mediation or the parenting class. I for one haven’t gotten any word on that. He lives in a different state to even do that. What am I going to need for this trial? Do I get people who know me as a person and a mother? What is going to happen?

All I want is for this to be over with and my son home. He is not following an order that was set. Can that be held against him in the trial? I don’t want to drive you crazy with all the questions or concerns, but my attorney is so darn busy that he is hard to get ahold of.

Thank you so much for understand.


If the order is temporary in nature and has expired due to the lapse of one year, law enforcement is correct and the order is expired. Your attorney has asked you to prepare for trial based on your ex’s unreasonable behavior, in other words, it does not seem likely that the custody issues can be resolved by way of agreement and you are headed to court.

Your attorney will be discussing trial preparation with you as you proceed towards a trial date, and you will certainly be calling witnesses to testify to the pertinent facts.


You are correct in your last post to me.


Ex told me that his attorney filed in the courts on custody, which ex says is set for October. Ex said that his attorney has put in for ex to get full custody.

My attorney sent his attorney a messages saying we need to resolve this matter. So ex attorney has placed in the courts that they are going for full custody. Let me explain a few things, then I’ll ask the questions. (I really need a second opinion)


  1. NO stable home, bounced from family home to girlfriends home, then to family home again (with my son at that)
  2. No job, but for 1 weekend a month with USArmy National guard. (what maybe 200.00 a month with that)
  3. Not in college to get a job
  4. Bounces child with family members to have space for himself.
  5. No vehicle (vehicle has been sitting at shop for a year broke down) Won’t pay to fix.


  1. I owe my home and have had a stable home since he was kicked out. (no not the home him and I had)
  2. I did have a part time job working for Domino’s but lost my job last week because I choose to meet to get my son. But that never happened.
  3. I am a full time college student working to finish my nursing degree.
  4. I may not have family here, but my children stay here with me and my husband watches the kids while i was working and now am in school.
  5. I have a vehicle

Now in saying all this, my ex said that since i haven’t held a ‘real’ job, that he is going to win custody. When we were married I worked at the beginning but was told I was high risk with our son, so we agreed for me not to work. I didn’t start working until I kicked him out of the house we were renting. I held that job until I moved last year. When I moved into the town I live now, I found another job. Have been working there for months until Aug 21st. (I thought my son was more important and I was only working fridays and saturday nights because of school).

I started college at which I go to school, Mondays and Wednesdays from 5pm-9:55pm, Tuesdays and Thursday from 6pm til 9:25pm. My husband stays home with all the children, ages 16 yrs of age down to 22 months. I am at home all day with the children, I don’t work during the day. On my breaks I call the house and speak to the children to make sure their homework is done, stay good night and I love them, that I will see them in the morning. At which I’m up at 6am to take care of any and all business that needs to be taken care of for children. When I get home, I spend time with my 22 month old and put her to bed. When my son comes home, I know it will be the same.

Now here are my questions:

  1. Based on the issue’s I’ve stated that came from the ex on how he is going to win custody, can you please explain to me, how?

  2. Is it bad that I don’t have a job right now, and am college at night? It was the only classes available that I needed to finish my degree.

  3. Between ex’s home life and my home life, what seems to be the better one in hand?

  4. Will a judge remove a child that has mainly been raised by me and has siblins that he has been around since birth, even though they don’t have the same dad?

  5. What are the odds of me having some of his family members be interviewed by my attorney on ex’s situation and status to be used in court?

  6. Does me having 6 children in my home have an effect on me getting custody of my son?

I don’t want to be a pain, really I don’t. I just would like another opinion on this situation. Thank you so much.

p.s. His family has also stated to me that he won’ get custody, that there is no way a judge will take our son away from his mother, when I’m not an unfit mother.


Your ex has the right to attempt to prove that it is on your child’s best interest to live with him, whether he will win or not. So long as you are able to care for your child your employment status will not keep a court from awarding you custody.

As for which home life is better, based on the facts you present it seems as though you can provide a better environment. I am not a judge and cannot predict what will happen in court, but I can say that you need to work with your attorney to present a vivid picture of the life you can create for your child.


For what it’s worth, I would stop listening to everything your ex says. It sounds like he is using scare tactics like by saying that you’ll never get custody bc you don’t have a real job. He is not a legal professional and has no idea what a judge would or wouldn’t do. Rely only on what your attorney advises you, and don’t allow him and his threats to get into your head. Good luck at trial!!!


Thank you Erin and Whyme2009.

I did get my son back Sunday. It was great! He jump right into my arms and gave me this tight neck hold. lol

Okay, now back to legal stuff.

When you get ready for a trial, is it with just the judge or do they have people in the community?

Everything that is going to be said in court between either party, does the other attorney have to know about it?


  1. If we have people to stand up in court on my behalf, does ex attorney have to know who those people are as well as mine?

  2. Does our evidence have to also be given to his attorney as well as his attorney to mine?

  3. Doesn’t both of us have to go to mediation and also parenting classes before any of this can be done?

I have never gone through this before, so I don’t understand the NC laws of what happens.

Thank you.


Witness lists and potential exhibits can be obtain by way of formal discovery prior to trial, and custody mediation is required in most counties.


I don’t understand what you just said.

Does all potential exhibits have to go to both attorney’s prior to court?


Witness lists and potential exhibits can be obtain by way of formal discovery prior to trial, and custody mediation is required in most counties.


Another few questions please.

  1. If I was seperated from the ex and I knew I didn’t want to be with him again, because of all the mental abuse going on, and physical abuse he was doing to my children, and I did something with someone else and had a child by them. (Didn’t mean for this to happen, but it did).

Can my ex use that against me in court for custody?

  1. Our son has been running a fever all day yesterday. Late last night I called him to ask a few questions while our son was in his care, it got into an arguement, I hung up. Well I gave our son more tylenol and called the advice nurse. The advice nurse to me to do this and that.

I told the ex what she said. I told the ex if nothing changed then I would let him know that I was taking our son into the ER. Well when I checked on him 3 1/2 hours later, his fever was broke. I went back to bed. At almost 5am this morning he calls my house. He starts with me about how I was suppose to call him over a fever. I reminded him that I told him that if i have to take him in, that i would call and let him know. He came back with a text messages saying this…

ex: I guess it hurts you to wake up and check his temp then, noted.

me: I check it at 2:30am, No fever! I went back to bed.

Ex called my house a 4am and said it was time to take his temp, ummm I did it two and half hours before then. When I was on the phone with the advice nurse it was at 11pm and she said check him 4 hours after I gave him Mortin. I gave him Mortin right before 10:30pm. I think the EX was 2 hours late.

Is it going to be held against me because our son had a fever and I did all that a true parent does to get him better?

The ex has never, ever, been involved in any of the Dr appts, ER visits, etc when we were married. Also even after we seperated. Is he doing this now because we have court next month?

One last thing to ask,

When the ex called three days after I got our son back, our son didn’t want to talk to him. He kept throwing the phone at me or either hide it under the blanket. I kept asking our son to talk to daddy. Son refused. I had the phone on speaker (he did it the whole time with me) and ex got mad. I had no choice but to put it on speaker because our son wouldn’t talk to my ex.

Can the ex hold that against me in court?

Ex called yesterday and I didn’t know becasue I was steam cleaning my carpets and it get loud. So, when I found out that he called it was late at night. (I don’t keep my cell on my hip) Ex got mad and said that I was ignoring his call, when I wasn’t. I didn’t know he called. I didn’t even hear the house phone ring.

Can the ex hold that against me in court?

Sorry for all the questions. Thank you for taking the time to answer.


Your ex can present any relevant evidence in court which has a bearing on your child’s best interests. Your affair can be brought out in court, but can only be considered as a factor (if at all) in a custody determination.

As far as your ex’s behavior when your son was sick, I believe it makes him look bad. You did as you were told by the nurse, and there was no reason for your ex to call you at 4am, other than to harass you.

You would be surprised at how many people think they can step up their parenting skills just before court and get away with it, the judges can clearly see what motivates that behavior.

As for the phone calls, I do not recommend you put your ex on speaker, especially if you don’t know what he is going to say in the presence of your son. It is natural and normal that we miss some calls thoughout the day.