Ex has had our son last Christmas thru January 12th (?), anyhow I got a text last night of him telling me I need to choice to have him either Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. We have court Dec 7th and my attorney gave me an order not to let him have him again right now because he always fails to keep with the order and return son on time. EX brings son back after threats with court and that is usually a month or so after time son is to be back. Ex knew we were going out of town to family for Thanksgiving about 3 months ago. So, I told him NO he wasnt getting him. He said he was going to contact his attorney and I will have to give him up for either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

We have court again Dec 7th for custody, is a judge going to have me miss this Christmas with him for the EX had him last Christmas and beyond the time is was to be back?

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Normally the courts will have the parents switch off holidays. Was the order your attorney gave you from the previous hearing?

I would think that since your ex had the child last year over Christmas and had to go back to court to get him returned to your custody, the court (Dec 7th) will probably allow you to have your son remain with you this Christmas. They may require you to schedule some other time for him to be with his father, but I would stick with what you are doing now.
You really should quit allowing your ex to manipulate you this way.

For the last 4 years we have had the boys on Halloween. We are on a week to week basis. Last year Halloween fell on her week and we were asked if we could take them that night so she could go to a party…we were glad to have them and enjoyed the extra time very much. This year, it fell on her week also. Saturday afternoon the youngest calls to ask if he can come over. We told him that it was raining, we did not make plans to have trick-or-treaters so…no candy…he was welcome to come over but we were not doing anything for Halloween. My husband’s ex sent him a text yesterday and told him, “I took the boys trick-or-treating since you wouldn’t let them come over to your house.” His ex sends that text like she did something above and beyond her responsibility because she took them trick-or-treating on her weekend. My husband was very upset, but he did not respond to the text.
It’s one thing when the ex sends you messages that inform you of something, but demanding, demeaning or threatening texts shouldn’t be responded to. You should either ignore those types of messages or respond with, have your attorney contact my attorney…do you need the number again? If you let him get you upset about things like this, then he is still manipulating you, even now and he will continue to do so if you continue to let him. You have primary custody of your child while he has visitations. If your attorney has given you advice on a specific situation like this, then you follow it to the letter. Tell him that contacting his attorney is his best course of action because you do not plan to give up either holiday. You can offer to give him time with the child before he comes to town for court or after Christmas. Offer whatever is convenient for you and works with the child’s schedule but do not worry about what he says. He can say anything he wants to say and will…it’s the nature of most ex’s. Just follow the attorney and court order and you’ll be fine.

I have no way of knowing what a judge will do, however since your ex had the child last Christmas, I would be inclined to say it is only fair that you have him this year. Just be sure to present clear evidence that you did not spend Christmas with your son last year.

Oh the ex won’t even go into court and say he didn’t have him last Christmas because then his lawyer would get cause lying. We have big time proof.

last night the ex texted and said that we are having mediation with the lawyers together on Dec 7th, and if we can not agree then we’re to go to court.

I got paperwork from my attorney stating that mediation was done and that we have a court on Dec 7th.

My questions are these:

  1. How can we go back and forthe on this?

  2. Should I just go off on what was filed in the courts?

  3. After almost two years of being seperated and almost 9 months of being divorced and finally getting to court on the custody/visitation case and it taking three months to get a court date, can he have it changed? My attorney had it set to for a Monday so he can spend the weekend traveling to NC. I was told that weekend he will be finishing his truck driving course, so will that stop us from having court that day? If i have to miss school, shouldn’t he?

For Stepmother/stepmom

Was the order your attorney gave you from the previous hearing?

There is no order in place right now stating about who gets what for visitation but for ex only getting son two weeks in Sept and Nov. The ex and I agreed that he would use his 4 weeks during the summer and he went way beyond the 4 weeks and kept him for 9 weeks. I had to threaten court on him just to get my son back because he was going to keep him from me. During that time I also told him that we had plans to go to Florida to family for Thanksgiving. He said it was okay since we didn’t get to do our family vacation in Aug for he didn’t return my son. He had him last Christmas and way beyond on when he was suppose to have returned my son to me. It really seems like a routine to him to keep our son longer and threatens me and everything else.

The first summer he was only suppose to keep him for 4 weeks and it went to 11 weeks, Then Christmas it was 5 weeks, then this past summer was 9weeks. I can’t trust him as far as i can throw him. He doesn’t even take care of our son the whole time. It’s either his family, girlfriend (now financee’), or the TV. So my attorney said no more until we go to court and have a final order in place.

I know it’s hard on the children and parents don’t understand that. I know we all think of ourselves and not our children. BUT I for one think of my children. I know they need to see the other parent but not for the other parent to take advantage of the other. A child has a stable home and it doesn’t need to be taken from them. I do have other children and for my ex to take my 3 yr old away from his siblins is uncalled for. He left the marriage, not me. He destroyed the marriage, not me. I am the only one trying to be strong enough to hold this family together the best that I can.

I got a job to support my children and myself. He lives off his family and finacee’. I’m back in college and doing my best to hold a 4.0. He just now started school to be a truck driver after almost a year and half of getting out of the military and only becasue his unemployment is running out. His family is con’t to bail him out of his financal burden he has caused for himself. I don’t have family support around me and don’t except my family to help me for I left my family along time ago to be an adult.

So, instead of writting a book, How can one take care of a child when one can’t even support himself? Why put a child at risk over your selfishness? His gram and other family members want to be there in court for me but she is so scared that the family will dis-own her. I find that being unfair and them thinking of themselves and not the wel-being of our son. Thank you again for your advice. Life really is hard when a child is placed in the middle. I hate it!

If you have a court date on the 7th, you will have the opportunity to be heard. The judge may ask the lawyers to try and bring about a settlement prior to the hearing, but if one cannot be reached you will have your time in court. If the other side attempts to have the matter continued you will be notified and have the chance to argue a continuance should not be granted.

Unfair -
My husband filed for custody because his ex threatened to take off 5 hours away with the children. They had a separation agreement giving them joint custody with equal time, he pays her $X amount a week and they split everything down the middle. She took everything from the home with few exceptions and she pushed to have the agreement signed so she could go out with her boyfriend in public.
She left him, left the marital home, left the children in the marital home. The first 3 weeks of their separation, the children were with him everynight and did not even get to see her. After we began dating, she began making things difficult for him. She would demand her time with the children though she was not always even there with them. Several times leaving them with a friend or even once with a friend’s boyfriend so she could go bar hopping. She went back to the home and took more items than she originally took and so he was forced to change the locks. When he filed for custody she did a 360. All of a sudden, it was “I’ve always been the one to take care of the boys”…“they’ve never spent the night away from me”…pity me, pity me. We had enough documentation that even at the preliminary hearing the judge was skeptical of her testimony. They had agreed during mediation about switching off the major holidays, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day & Father’s Day…the rest was left to their choice. After the preliminary hearing, her attorney advised her to take the deal that his attorney offered. Essentially, what was in their original agreement with a few minor changes which she did.
I can not tell you what you should do, but my suggestion is to follow the your attorney’s advice. If your attorney says that you are going to court, then you show up at court with documentation ready to present to the judge. If your ex does not show, then it will only look worse for him. If he can not schedule his time in Sept. & Nov. then he needs to show up to mediation. Mediation is where you and he sit down together and work out this schedule. If you have done that and could not agree, then you are going to court. If you have not sat down for mediation then it is required for court. There must be an attempt to settle things before the court will hear. I would say that from this point on, you schedule two weeks in Sept and two weeks in Nov that your ex gets the child and stick to that schedule since it would seem that if you give him a little he will take a lot.
The issues he has with his family and partner will come back on him. Your son will not be a little boy forever and eventually will be old enough to understand some of what is happening. In the mean time, if your ex is in town, allow him to go to dinner with the child. You essentially have primary physical custody, so you should start acting like it. I applaud you putting the child’s needs first but you have got to start putting your foot down with this situation or he will continue to treat you this way.
Hang in there!


I’m sorry your husband went through all that. I hope everything goes his way.

My ex left the state June 2008 and moved back home to IL. He has lived there this whole time. You say I need documentations, What kind of documentation? I do have alot of text messages of stuff but don’t know how to get it off my cell phone. I have emails etc, and even stuff from his present girlfriend saying some un true stuff about me and true stuff about them. Even spending time with my son and being with my ex while we were still married. (I don’t care about them being together for our marriage was over the day I kicked him out).

I do know that my ex is going to try and attack my husband. My husband and I didn’t do anything while I was still married to my EX. Yes we went out but was with a group of friends and the kids. Yes, my husband bought a home for the kids and I, because my ex and I’s lease came up and I had to move. My ex is going to try and use that against me in court for custody.

He is going to try and use against me about me being married before him and having 6 kids to raise. I’ve raised them this far so what is the differences of con’t it until they are 18. My oldest is 16 yrs old and my youngest is 2 yrs old. He is going to use that my youngest was conceive during the marriage, but he fails to forget that we were seperated and I told him about it when we got back together and he said to just wait til she is born but I needed to not ever speak to the man that I thought would also be the father. I stopped talking but he didn’t stop his stuff that he was doing against our marriage, so it lead to me kicking him out.

But he goes home to IL and starts dating, bar hoping, etc, and the only proof I have, I can’t use because his family is scared they will be yelled at, controlled, disowned, etc by him and his mother. It got so bad that his grams blood pressure sky rocketed and she became ill over his misconduct. He controlled her so badly and didn’t respect her. But see you say documantation but I don’t have 100% proof because he lives in IL. It’s all hear say.

He said he hired a PI and told me that my husband vehicle was in my driveway at our old house. (this is when my husband and I, were friends only) I told him go ahead and use that because you knew so and so was going back home and I had the vehicle to use because my vehicle had a flat tire. I have the flight information to proof it. The Ex didn’t say another word after that. I was honest with the EX and told him that I was doing this. Yay maybe I shouldn’t have but he was still my seperated husband at the time.

I am scared of court and i’m not going to lie about it. I am a good mother and feel I’ve been the soul care taker of our son, even since he was born. The ex never got up with him, never took care of him. He didn’t even go to the hospital after our son was born and visit him when he was in NICU for two weeks after being born. It seemed as though the computer was more important than the wel-being of our son. Our son actually died twice in the NICU, he didn’t even show concern but now since our son is 3 now, he acts like he cares to a point. His family tells me it is a control factor. That since his father did it to him with his own mother, that he should do it with me. His mother is trying to do everything in her power to have the ex like her again. So, she is pushing him to get custody of our son.

It even got so bad of them contacting my husbands family lying about me and I had to send her proof of the truth. She still doesn’t believe me because all the court doc’s, police reports, DSS report are all changed by me in her eyes. I don’t understand how that can be done when i don’t only have 1 copy, I have about 5 to 6 copies of each and every documantation there is. I even gave her the court web sites to read for herself but she still thinks I can go on the courts web sites and change the wording on the courts system. Things are that bad. If I had a full day to speak to this forum I would, but I can’t take up their time.

My main thing is, If i have been the primary care taken since Feb 2008, (matter of fact since he was born) will I lose custody of my son. Will the judge say that my son has to move to live with his father in IL when this is his home here in NC? My son has not only me but his siblins which they are all close to eachother? The ages are, 16,15,13,10,6,2, and my son is 3? I pay for everything and even his daycare cost, ex doesn’t. Yes he pays support but he is a little bit behind on that. The support doesn’t even cover one months daycare, It’s only 450.00 a month. Will I be held in a bad light that I quit my job and went back to college fulltime? Ex doesn’t even have a job, but this month starts school on being a truck driver. A truck driver travels around alot and it could be a day, two, or ever a week of being away from home.

I come on here because it cost me everytime I have a question for the attorney. I have spent so much money that it is starting to hurt me. I have to have $1,100 more pay to attorney before Dec 4th. There goes Christmas for the kids, and the Ex doesn’t even care! I do care because that is a special time for the children.

Thank you Erin.

Maybe this could be why he said Mediation with attorney first then court. I just remember my attorney saying, “No Mediation because we can’t agree so we are going to court.”

Thank you again so much your awesome!

I wish you the best. Let us know how things turn out.

You can contact your cell phone provider to see if they can get you a copy of text messages sent to you. The documentation you need is text, e-mails, any and all notes that you have made. I keep a journal so that I can keep up with events concerning the children. I list which nights the boys stay with us and which nights they stay with their mother. Any receipts for daycare, medications, bank statements showing his payments (or non payments) for support, any and all court documents from previous hearings. Take pictures of the child’s room, the home, the neighborhood…anything to show the court what life with you is like.
You can not change how his family views you and you really need to quit trying. You can not make someone believe something they do not want to believe. Your ex’s family is going to support him. They are going to manipulate you and intimidate you and you must quit letting them succeed in this.
I honestly do not believe, given the circumstances that you state, that your ex will win custody of your son. You have a lot of + in your corner. The child has siblings and judges rarely separate siblings, even half sibilings. You have had primary custody for over a year and the ex would have to show why it would be in the child’s best interest to change that. He may be able to get more visitations especially when the child is older but that will have to depend on the child’s school schedule. You asked about it looking bad for quitting your job to go back to school…it could possibly be painted in a bad light if his attorney words it right in court, but since your child is not school age, then you could argue that it’s cheaper than paying daycare for you to be home. You are providing a stable home environment where the child is cared for.
The judge will probably not allow any of the stuff about the car, or what may have gone on previous to your absolute divorce being granted. That has nothing to do with custody at this point. The fact that you have been married before can not be used against you. If he attacks you trying to suggest that you were involved with your now husband prior to the divorce, you simply tell the truth. If you can remember the time frame that you did become involved with him it would be enough. Like “we separated in June and I moved in August. I began dating him around that time but he never stayed at my home until after I was legally divorced.” Remember that this is only about your child with this man. It has nothing to do with your other children other than you have custody of them and that they live with you.
Your ex is keeping you so focused on details and past events that you fail to realize that getting custody is more difficult than keeping custody. You already have primary physical custody. If the situations brought up do not directly involve or affect the child in question, there is no reason to worry about it. And no reason to argue about it.
If you have not had mediation, you will need to contact your attorney and find out if that is scheduled prior to court date.
To be honest, your ex may not even show up for this and if that’s the case he will have his attorney reschedule. More than likely that will mean that it will be after the first of the year. Spend your Thanksgiving how you previously told the ex you were planning to. Your ex had the child last year at Christmas so it would be reasonable to think this year the child will be with you. Any communication after you notify your ex of this schedule, make sure it’s in writing and keep copies. Forward any e-mail that seem threatening to you to your attorney. The worst case scenario is that he shows up for court and attempts to take the child with him. Don’t let this happen. The local authorities will only get involved with a court order. If you quit responding to each little jab your ex makes, eventually you will realize that he no longer has that power over you.