I cannot advise you to leave the state without personally meeting with you. However, it sounds like you are on the right track by attempting to draft an agreement before leaving and consulting with an attorney. Those are the actions I would recommend.
Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax
Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044
Durham & Chapel Hill Office
1829 East Franklin Street
Building 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
(919) 321.0780
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.
I am not an ATTY just a father in the same boat as your ex is about to be in(long distance fatherhood), though my distance is only 2.5 hours away. I as the father would never agree to this. If he does, he obviously doesn’t want to be in his children’s lives OR has money to visit at least 2x/month long distance. With that said, If he does not agree then maybe you should leave the children with him down here? Just because you have to move up to NY because it’s cheaper for you, doesn’t mean he loses access to his children. I think the children seeing both parents frequently overrides one parent having an easier time at bettering their life???
I understand completely where you are coming from, and I’m sure you are a pretty intelligent man to know that if he wanted to he could contest it.
You need to ask yourself (I’m talking from the I’ve already talked with a lawyer about this, so I know what I am talking about) why isn’t he contesting this divorce or the custody arrangement. The fact of the matter is that if he did, they would find out at work of his infidelities (all the proof that goes along with it) with his friend’s spouse (trust me I have all kinds of proof from the both of them talking, detailed everything…he is definately in a tough spot)…not to mention that he is bi-polar…so he would probably get dishonorable discharge (not from that but from this other behavior that not even his friends know about). That means no child support for me, our house would foreclose, he would have no options of ever becoming a cop like he wants to be, his military career would end, he would not get custody of our son because of other things, so he knows as well as I do that life as he knew it (being pretty darn nice, and goes with the flow) would be over. It would go from one day having a family and a career to…nothing absolutely nothing. And the fact that he would lose his best friend out of all of this that he claims hasn’t done anything wrong too.lol Man does he have his friend brainwashed! I swear if his friend just looked at his wife’s cell phone bill it would make him go…hmmm…what the??? So yeah I am being completely flexible considering all the horrible stuff he has done to me. Will I tell his BF, heck no. He is obviously stupid if he can’t see what is going on right under his nose. I know I caught it early enough.
If he does contest it, that’s okay it will just cost him more money in the end. People are allowed to make mistakes, and I forgive him for that. But it doesn’t mean I want him, nor do I want to be his friend. I’ll be civil and polite and nice to him infront of my son, as well as not talk bad about his daddy to him or in front of him either. I’m so numb from all of this, and so very sick to my stomach I don’t stop to think about what it actually is. So I stay busy. Mine and his family is going to get our son through this as smoothly as possible. We have never ever been around family constantly for our son to experience that, and he needs it more than ever now. So do I. By outing my husband I am ruining his chances of ever being a father with his son. I won’t do that, that would be horrible for our son & just because he mucked up our relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to muck up his and our son’s.
I want this to go as smoothly as possible, and trust me with someone who can function around his friends and at work (well minus all the lies he tells everyone because he is so horrible at lying, that is all he does is lie, it’s awful) and then saving it for us at home he is gonig to start coming out to people when we are gone. I just hope he gets the help he needs. I know I tried, and tried, and tried, and probably should of given up years ago. I think I just wanted to him to get help and me not leave him until he did, without even realizing that he will always be abusive, lying, controlling, and manipulative. What kind of marriage is that? That’s more like a bully picking on the nerds at school and I’m the nerd. No thanks. AT least this way I can be around my friends I’ve known for almost 20 years, as well as my family. He never allowed me to visit them, and once I started that’s when his actions got out of control (the last couple of years). He is seriously at a delusional point in his mania right now (you can sometimes get him to be normal, but then as soon as it comes it’s gone). And right now moving up to my family’s is going to help our son out the most. Everything will all come out in the wash in the end, but at least this way I am doing what needs to be done for our son. I’m sure you’ll understand that. My life went from being okay it’s a little complicated to nothing will save us now.
I need to put my son first, and actually take care of me now instead of my husband. He is my son’s father, but other than that I’m sure you can understand if I really could care less about what happens to my husband because I know in the end I have my ducks in a row and I can support my son and I…whereas dealing with my husbands problems is no longer my problem!
My husband and I agreed to get a divorce, and we are in the process (starting today) to separate.
All of my family and his family live in NY, and I have no support system here in NC. I have been a full-time student / homemaker / caregiver (for my son) for the last 3 years. If I stay in NC I will have to pay for daycare, and work (making minimum wage), not to mention drop college because of the financial obligation of taking care of the house and bills (and I can not rely on anyone else for help with that down here seeing how that is up in the air). I need to go to school (in NY I can start in the spring, just like I was going to do here in NC this spring), as well as have someone watch my son for free while attending school & working, and living with my parents (until on my feet) for free. Not to mention the fact that I have my whole family to support me and I can visit (which the last 6 years I have seen them 4 times because I can’t afford gas and hotel for a trip like that all the time). So moving up there I can save money for a place to live, still pay my bills (without going into debt), finish school (to obtain skills for a career which is what I’ve been doing), and also have the positive family (mine and my husbands family too) influence on our son that he does not have down here at all. Can I leave the state to ensure my son’s overall well being vs. staying and living in who knows what kind of situation? Should I get a court order or paperwork drawn up for my husband to agree upon regarding child custody? If I do need to do something, what should I do (I plan to leave the day after Christmas for NY)? I have talked to my husband about this, needless to say he doesn’t like the situation but he agrees on the scenario and how beneficial it will be for our son vs. staying down here. BUT I don’t know how he will feel next week seeing how his moods change very rapidly, and so does his remembrance on things. I would feel more comfortable having something in writing so I won’t get arrested down the line for this, or have it come back and bite me in the butt as abandonment (because it’s not, I just have no where else to go, and no one else to help me). What should I do (I do have an appt. with an attorney but not until next friday). Is there something i can do before then at legal aid- paperwork to fill out and file, etc.- before the appointment (and before my husband changes his mind!)?
Truly,
RN