Mal,
That’s a really great update on your stepson… thanks for sharing it.
APPLAUSE Well said!
I have to say that custodyresearcher has done his homework and more. I appreciate everything that you have added to these forums. I firmly believe that children need both parents also and with few exceptions. Regardless of whether that parent ALWAYS does what’s best for the child, he or she is still that child’s parent. Children do not come with instructions so even biological parents make mistakes.
What I’ve seen is that if the parents are constantly arguing over every little detail then the children are actually not getting the attention they deserve and sometimes need. The child does not care that dad took them to the movies or the pool instead of mom or that mom bought them new shoes instead of dad…all they care about is that they saw a cool movie or got to go swimming or got new shoes. Instinctively, that child loves both parents.
My stepsons have a home with both their mother and their father. They know this. No it’s not fair that they have to be with their parents separately but who said life was fair? Children of divorce often grow up quicker than other children and that is just the way things are. AND just to make a point. I changed classrooms every day in school…I had one teacher for each subject and occasionally the subject changed completely…Didn’t everyone? The only thing constant in life is change. Our lives can change at any moment, with any breath we take. Now if you were meaning to say chaning schools every week, the school system would not let them do that and that is precisely why joint custody 50/50 does not work in some situations. IMHO, it’s more of a disruptions to a child’s life to have one parent no longer involved than it is to have to split time with each parent…
mal, I’m so glad that your stepson is improving. My husband’s ex made things so much easier on us once she realized that she and I were not in competition. The children have room in their lives to love and be loved by more than one person and it does not have to affect the feelings they already have…
Without reading every post here (since there are many and detailed) I just wanted to express my thoughts.
First I would never ‘split’ my children. If there was 50/50 custody then for me, each parent would share the time with all children at the same time. To me, splitting the children seems to be limiting their ability to have a relationship with one another as well. And personally I think that a sibling bond is as important as a parental bond. Also as in the case with the original poster, if one of the parents make the decision to move out of the living area, then they waive their ability to 50/50 and it reverts to visitation.
I DO believe that children can have two homes and still be raised, healthy and happy without minimal confusion. But in order to do this, all adults need to be able to act like adults and not be petty or try to use the children as pawns in getting back at the other parent. I know that when many children have two homes, that is just what they have. They have clothes at each, toys at each, so none of those items have to be taken back and forth. I think that when a child has to ‘pack’ to go see mommy or daddy, that it isn’t a home situation. I believe that in a respectful and responsible situation with the adults, you share the awards (make copies and alternate turns for getting the original). Or make a scrapbook that the child can share between homes. Or again, the award that is earned by the child, goes to the home where that parent was the main one involved, like mom was the group parent or dad coached (which is a limited situation).
I just really honestly believe that if we, as adults, can set aside our bitterness for our ex’s, that the children will benefit from it and learn a great deal more than if they are being pulled between places.
There have been all kinds of issues with the choices of child custody. Ideally 50/50 is the “magic” soultion. I guess it is the lesser of two evils when it comes to the financial and emotional parts of the parent, but what about the kid? How would you feel if you had to change homes every other week, or in the case of my husband’s kids… from Friday night to Monday morning. What if one parent lives too far away for you to participate in extracurricular activities… baseball, scouts with weekend meetings, sleepovers, birthday parties??? Then there is the different sets of rules and inconsistant discipline. The benefits are what? The parents feel that they are in control. Who is going to be the one the child goes to when they need help in an assignment… especially a long term assignemt. They don’t go to either. They (the kids)put off the assigment and play one side against the other. That is for the parents who actually pay attention to what is going on at school with their kids… what about those who don’t? Those parents don;t know anything until it gets so bad the school calls. With 50/50 we are putting too much responsibility on kids… this is fine with older kids, but what about elementary school kids? For a time my husband’s ex wanted to split the kids… she takes one he has the other. The has moved from NC to VA and back to NC all within the last 3yrs. At last she lives close enough that the oldest boy can participate in karate… the classes were on Friday night and it was too much of a burden to go back and forth before. She had promised to put him in an activity where she was living, but never did, even though his younger sister was in cheer with us. The thing is… where is these chidren’s home? When they get an award which wall will they hang it on? When I was little my momma and daddy were divorced. Although my daddy really didn;t make an effort to see us, my brother and I spent alot of time with my grandma (his momma) while my momma was at work. I do know of friends I had who had the week on week off situation… they hated it. One little girl… Wendy… she felt she never knew if she was coming or going. Honestly Divorce sucks no matter which way you cut it. But it is better than the alternitive of living together and hating your situation. There is no perfect soulution, there never will be. My ex is smart enough to know he isn’t emotionally secure enough to be responsible for all my son’s needs. I had no trouble with establishing primary custody. My son sees his father every weekend… I do not interfere in their relationship… but his HOME is with me. He knows it, he is assured by it, to the point that if anything were to happen to me, he’d keep things as they are with my current husband having custody. Even at 14 he knows where home is. My husband is a great father and his kid’s momma, while she has unusual priorities, loves her kids. Would it be fair for him/her to give up time in order to make the kids more secure? Not to the adult, but definately to the kids. You need to look at who is best able to provide a stable environment. We’ve become such a homogonized nation that we forget that yes, bad things happen and it’s nobody’s fault. We have to deal with them and move on with life. There are many ways to be involved in your kids life without counting the number of “nights” they spend with you. Who goes to confrences? who schedules dr & dentist appts? That school play that Junior plays an apple in… who went to see that? Why not take them to their piano lesson? Phone calls, emails, day trips, even the grocery store are all oppritunities to be with your kids. Stop deviding them like they are a slice of bread… where is their owm personality??? in the momma half or the daddy half? Again… these are my OPINIONS and there are families that make the50/50 work for them (as we do) but is it really fair to the kids?
I have a 50/50 joint custody situation. However, I basically have no say in the major decisions for my son and I am the mother. My judge set things up in such a way that my ex can make decisions and spend my money. I have to pay 50% of all extracurricular activities when my income is 20% of the ex’s income. He takes my custodial time in the summer for expensive camps that I have to pay for. He made the decision to change schools for my son. In Court, I told the judge that I had not consented to the move. The judge asked me for “evidence”. I told him the only evidence I had was that I was my son’s mother and that I had signed nothing transferring my son. He then stated, “No evidence”. So, I live my life as a “secondary parent” because I know the Court will refute my rights. Due to the divorce, I work 9 to 10 hours per day while the ex works about 4 hours per day. My son is a superb tennis player, but I miss many of his matches due to my work schedule. The ex can always attend. So, I went from being a stay at home mother who did everything for the children, always the one to “be there” (dad was fooling around with his girlfriends) to one who cannot be there and must do without things to foot 50% of these extravagant things dad comes up with. I’ve had no vacation in four years, but my son has had numerous opportunities that I have had to struggle to provide…even taking a cash advance off my credit card. For the record…dad is a physician and I’m a school teacher. The Court awarded me 6% of dad’s income, but expects me to live “like dad”. I lost my house, my rights, my money is not my own…so, some dads do win. In my case, my ex won big.
I think 50/50 could work in almost every scenario in which the parents are capable of putting their children’s needs first instead of their own.
People say that it can’t work unless the parent’s are capable of co-parenting their children. So what is the first thing that happens? People(usually mom) that want control start showing that it’s impossible to co-parent with the other parent. The fights over stupid things start up and the conflicts keep going on. In the end one person has majority while the other has one night a week for dinner and every other weekend. The “prize” is won but the poor kids pay the price.
I have seen both sides. I have an ex that I can get along with (wasn’t always the case)and the kids are benefiting the most from that. We can sit together at a soccer game with my husband and the kids can bounce from lap to lap without feeling like they are in the middle. They call their dad whenever they want to and vs. versa. We follow of papers but loosely because we believe that clauses like “other times as agreed upon by the parties” really means what it says. We have joint legal and the kids do not spend 50/50 time with each of us currently but ONLY because distance/work doesn’t work out for their dad.
On the other side is the fight and thousands of dollars that DH had to spend in the beginning to see his children that he was primary caregiver off prior to the separation. Emails and phone calls from her SCREAMING at him (with the kids right there) because of nail polish, I brushed kids hair, he has no right to sign homework slip before she does, how dare he this that or the other thing. In one breathe she will say how worthless he is in front of the children and then in the next tell my SS how he’s just like his father. She will interpret papers to her pleasing and has never until recently when it became a need for her would allow extra time. She is mean and hateful every step of the way. She thinks men only want 50/50 because of a lessen child support obligation and it’s the first thing she will bring up. Well in my mind that works BOTH ways. She doesn’t want to get less money. They are HER kids!
With 50/50 though I think it would actually LESSEN these issues. Instead of having to see her 3-4 times a week and have the opportunity for conflict, they could exchange at school and rarely have to see each other. I think Parellel Parenting is the term i’m looking for here.
You can’t make people “co-parent” or put their kids TRUE best interests about the conflict. You can’t make people stop intentionally creating conflicts. The whole system is really a mess to me.
custodyresearch i so would like to get in contact with you for some strong advice. How can i do that?
I would just like to say that my husband and I are going through a custody battle right now. we actually go to court in a couple of weeks. my husband had a child out of wedlock. we have been very active in his son’s life. i don’t see how anyone could feel like a father should not have equal time with their children. it’s not that his mother physically abuses him or anything, but she has moved about 10 times in 5 years, she got him to school late over 20 times this year even though she has no job. my husband has never said that he wants to take him from her, he just wants to be there for the little things. i don’t thing anyone should be able to deny a father equal time with his child. he is just as much a parent as the mother and sometimes a better choice.
In my case… 50/50 just is not working. We both had the best of intentions but since he has remarried and moved an hour away in his new wife’s house its just getting more and more difficult and the children are the ones suffering. I cannot put them in any activities because they’re only here every other week. When they’re with their Father they’re in the car traveling two hours a day. They go home, eat and go to bed. School work and projects are being lost. Just recently my youngest sat out of recess for two weeks because her midterm went to her fathers and was never signed. I never even saw it! I had to go to the teacher in person and have her show it to me to release my daughter from her punishment. They also have been late to school 26 times since school started (august-jan) all of those being from their long drive in (minus one on a morning the one daughter was sick making the other one late when she was with me). My youngest daughter is failing her grade because of constant tardies, absences where he was working from home and decided not to drive them in, or he didn’t feel well.
If he were still living a few miles down the road like when we first split then maybe there would be no issues. 50/50 can work, and it cannot work. We all evolve ya know? He evolved and remarried, and the girls are evolving in ways where their school is becoming more intense, and they need more attention.
I agree it is SO important for children to have time with both parents. With my own situation that is what hurts me the most as I’m moving towards a change in our schedule. I’m giving him everything I possibly can with ensuring that the children have a stable home for their schooling. That HAS to be the number one priority here. So I’m offering a 50/50 in the summers, every school break (except actual holidays being rotating), and teacher work days. I’m racking my brain here trying to make sure that my girls as much time with their father as possible.
My situation, my 2 cents.
[quote=“Tuezday”]In my case… 50/50 just is not working. We both had the best of intentions but since he has remarried and moved an hour away in his new wife’s house its just getting more and more difficult and the children are the ones suffering. I cannot put them in any activities because they’re only here every other week. When they’re with their Father they’re in the car traveling two hours a day. They go home, eat and go to bed. School work and projects are being lost. Just recently my youngest sat out of recess for two weeks because her midterm went to her fathers and was never signed. I never even saw it! I had to go to the teacher in person and have her show it to me to release my daughter from her punishment. They also have been late to school 26 times since school started (august-jan) all of those being from their long drive in (minus one on a morning the one daughter was sick making the other one late when she was with me). My youngest daughter is failing her grade because of constant tardies, absences where he was working from home and decided not to drive them in, or he didn’t feel well.
If he were still living a few miles down the road like when we first split then maybe there would be no issues. 50/50 can work, and it cannot work. We all evolve ya know? He evolved and remarried, and the girls are evolving in ways where their school is becoming more intense, and they need more attention.
I agree it is SO important for children to have time with both parents. With my own situation that is what hurts me the most as I’m moving towards a change in our schedule. I’m giving him everything I possibly can with ensuring that the children have a stable home for their schooling. That HAS to be the number one priority here. So I’m offering a 50/50 in the summers, every school break (except actual holidays being rotating), and teacher work days. I’m racking my brain here trying to make sure that my girls as much time with their father as possible.
My situation, my 2 cents.[/quote]
I agree in your situation it sounds like it is no longer working because of the distance he chose to create when he moved. It is probably time to change the arrangement so the kids aren’t suffering with their school work. He’s still close enough to get every other weekend and I would probably add that to what you are offering. He could easily have one dinner a week as well. You might also want to consider instead of 50/50 in the summer, that you flip the custody arrangement so that he’s primary and you are secondary. You take the kids every other weekend maybe from Friday through Monday. Just tossing ideas out there for you.
Few questions for people who do 50/50 or would contemplate it…
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What happens when one remarries?
Had a friend that had a son with 50/50 custody and they liked it. Dad remarried, moved 30 min away, and voluntarily relinquished his custody changing to every other weekend. His new wife had 3 kids of her own. How does this kid get over being “replaced” by a new family? When this decision is made, it should be made until the child is out of the house, not until a different lifestyle comes along. -
Would you be willing to have a “primary” house and each parent at that house 50/50?
I agree with many that the parent’s needs are put before the children many times. I think the child should have both parents in their life. But why does the child have to get the brunt of the hassle when it wasn’t their fault? Why can’t their room not change, their schedule not change? We don’t think twice about putting our kids through it. But how many adults would do it? -
Do the courts “favor” moms more, because as a rule, they are considered the “primary caregiver”?
In “typical” household (for which there are exeptions), the mom is the one who stays home or works part time. The mom is the one making appts, taking them to classes, cooking, and doing all the day to day activities. I have a friend who has always said her husband would be better at being primary caregiver because that is his role now. I think primary caregiver should be decided by the child’s history. Whether dad, mom, grandparent. -
If parents don’t get along when they are married, how are they supposed to agree on a 50/50 basis?
If one parent knows “better” than the other. If one parent has to have control. If one parent is concerned more about the money. If one parent is more concerned about “winning”. -
If both parents truly cared about what is best for the child, would they be in court?
I think instead of specifying a time frame of when the child is where, the situation would be decided by two mature, consenting adults willing to work together to place their childs needs over anyone else’s. The definition could be different for each couple. For me, having a “primary” care provider to provide some sort of consistency. And custody would change according to the child’s needs…maybe the teen years they need more time with dad if it’s a boy, mom if it’s a girl. They would feel comfortable enough to go back and forth and to make plans, knowing it can be done even if they are with a certain parent.
I think we all love our children and truly want what is best. But sometimes the hard feelings of divorce can get in the way, and for a lot of people, it may take some time before they can put their child’s needs above what they want and think.
Just my opinion.
Good read! Thanks!