Question


#1

Dear feleciaj:

Greetings. He cannot appoint you as a liason for visitation. He must arrange the visitation and such for his child(ren). I can only imagine how him communicating directly with her will feel to you, but that is what is correct.

She cannot refuse to allow the children to spend time with your husband (regardless of you being present), unless you pose some danger to her children. Since the children are blameless in this situation, and I believe that you realize that, she cannot stop him for seeing the children. Yes, if you file an action in court, you must first go through mediation (however it will just be your husband and her, as you will not be allowed to attend). Thank you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

10925 David Taylor Drive, Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#2

how about if we file for joint custody, and granted…can we both then set up visit, etc…also i was told that as long as we provide 2 contact numbers that she doesn’t have to have the home number is this correct? also is there any where, i can write because it’s not fair as a wife to take back seat to another women… this is telling me the law is on the side of the other women out there who main goal in life is to destroy others life…because she haven’t grew up yet!


#3

Excuse me, but no one held a gun to your husband’s head and made him have an affair while he was married to you, or forced him to father another woman’s child. He CHOSE his path, and you CHOSE to take him back regardless. The law is simply protecting the children that are innocent in this situation…they did not CHOOSE to be born out of wedlock to a father that was already married. You think the other woman hasn’t grown up yet? You should take a close look at your husband if you think that. Ugh…


#4

Hi, If you file for joint custody he may be able to get that but unless she is agreeing You will not have any type of custody, your husband will. He will be responsible for setting up arrangements unless she agrees to allow you to do so. I have been a step mom to my husbands children for 6 years and I have no legal rights at all and personally…It’s better for the children that way. Everything is left between my husband and his ex.
Also, as the mother of the child she has the right to have direct contact information so she should be able to have the phone number. I know that I would not let my children go anywhere without my having the physical address and phone number. I personally think it’s unfair for you to not think she should be entitled to this information. Her child will be spending time there. Would you send your child off not having contact information?
As far as you being on the back burner…It’s between the 2 parents to make arrangements, go through mediation etc… Anytime you have a 3rd party involved there are going to be problems and the law is protecting the children from this. Ultimately, your husband chose to put you on the back burner when he had the affair and you chose to allow this to happen when you took him back.
I know it’s a tough situation and I have been there! But you have to allow them to work this problem out and maybe eventually you will have a more active part but it’s only going to happen if you earn her trust as the stepparent. I can say that during a similar situation, I did eventually get to the point where I would rather deal with my ex-husbands girlfriend rather than him simply b/c it became more civilized and you and her may also get to that point also.
Good luck and I hope for the best for you all!


#5

Dear feleciaj:

Greetings. The judge will always mandate that you provide the phone number of your home and your address, which the other parent is entitled to. Also, yes, your idea of joint custody is a good one. Thank you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

10925 David Taylor Drive, Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#6

No excuse me clancygus! Yes that you are correct and keep in mind that my husband is paying for what he choose to do in the dark! Sometimes we as adults choose to make decision’s that we will have to pay for the rest of lives, but being that we have 4 children together, marry for 20 years I’m trying to be the big person here and allow these kids to be apart of our lives, but I will not have her or anyone else think that they can just push me to the side… She only wants him to be apart of the kids live’s and this an’t gona happen…It’s either all of us or none! This is why we hire a lawyer! Please keep in mind that this wasn’t no divorce, separation etc…this was flat out a women who has very low self esteem, vendictive, jeoulsey…not only do she have 2 kids by my husband but 1 by her sister husband, and 2 by two other men…she thinks her way of getting a man is haveing a baby! If my husband again hung out in the streets, didn’t work, etc he will have been gone! The only time my husband was w/o me and his family was to go to work…this was just a botty call at 8pm ,11pm 1am, 2am, middle of the nite, 5 mins when he was at work at a site…nothing! I’m just trying to have the kids be apart of my children life because it isn’t fair to them what 2 adults choose to do!


#7

Her and your husband can agree to joint custody or even if she has primary custody he will be given visitations. Sad to say that it is between your husband and this other woman. You have no say in the matter. She can not withhold visitations because you are present, unless as Janet said, there is a physical danger to the children. The mediation process will only involve your husband and her. It makes no difference that she has children by another man or what type of person she is or your husband is or isn’t. It sounds to me as though you both want the same thing, to have the two children resulting from his indescretions to be part of your life and your children’s lives. What matters is that your husband is involved in his children’s lives. That is what is in the best interest of the children. In order to accomplish that there needs to be child support and custody/visitations set up through the courts. She will then understand that she can not keep the children from visiting their father and that she has NO right to be there when that happens. You are now a stepmother, welcome to the club[:)]


#8

Thanks stepmother, believ me it’s not by my choice to be a stepmother especially when I’m the first wife, the only wife and they choose to do this behind my back so now I’m just dealing with it because he’s a great father, husband etc…He just choose the wrong path…Everybody in life make’s mistake’s and sadly with this there are a total of 6 kids involved… She can forget about me not being apart of this because I am… And I an’t going anywhere… I made it clear in 2001, 2002, 2004, and last 2005 when she got angry and called me! We requested a third party in regard to visitation etc…whereas instead of us having to deal with her, we deal with a third party person…upon getting visitation we will pick up the kids,talk to this other person etc…She’s still angry that her plan didn’t work due to the fact that she’s contesting visitation request…Oh yea I didn’t have a problem giving her our address, phone number, I just made it clear that she wasn’t come to my house, and when the kids are here we will make sure that in case of an emergency we will call!


#9

It very rarely is our choice to be step-parents. Yes, everyone makes mistakes. We’re all human (no matter what the ex says)and it goes with the territory. It’s just not often that we make the same mistake more than once.
I understand that this is a difficult situation and most women that mess around with married men do not realize that there are only two ways that this works out One: they never leave their wife. Two: they do leave their wife and then they leave their girlfriend. You can’t take someone away from another person and expect them to be faithful to you. If he cheats for you, he will cheat on you.

I would suggest to you, as one woman to another, for your 20th anniversary to your husband. Get him a vasectomy! [;)]


#10

Thanks stepmother for all the support but I think I sure make 1 thing clear here! They were never marry, we never separated, etc…This was an affair that resulted in 2 kids being born, and now I have to deal with the task of helping to raise them along with my husband and raising our children we have together! Yes I was hurt and upset but as I noted 3 stikes and you are out! I don’t have a problem with the children because they are victims also but this women is still angry and I’m not gonna deal with her…We started out talking ok, etc working things outfor the sake of the children but then she realize that it was over for sure and this is when she begin to flip! Ive made it clear to my husband that we get a third party for visitation or we just don’t see them…


#11

I applaud your efforts to keep your marriage intact, but you should look at the price you are paying for that. You are a bigger person than I am to be able to deal with this in the first place. Given the situation, I would have washed my hands of both of them after the first child was born. NO man is THAT good of a father, and the act alone would show me that he’s not a good husband. If I were in this situation, I would take a close look at why I feel the need to defend him and what he has done to continue to DESERVE my love and support. But that’s just me.
I understand that he was never married to her and you have never separated from him. My comments about the mistakes was directed at your post of him having one child 5 years ago with this woman and then having another. If you “forgive” them or take them back because they beg and plead with you and tell you it will never happen again, then they will in essence have gotten away with adultery and deception. If the SAME thing happens again,(another child, another act of adultery)then to me, they were only sorry the first time because they got caught. My last post was because he cheated on you not because he had children with another woman.
Make NO mistake, he cheated on you. I do not care if it’s “just talking” (emotional affair) or “just sex” (physical affair). Cheating is cheating. I assume that this woman knew he was married and should have realized 5 years ago that having a child by this man was not going to result in him leaving you. You did not end your marriage, you did not leave him so he must have realized that he could cheat and would pay no consequences. In the off chance that he cheats again, which is likely since he has not suffered any consequences except another child, I was suggesting a vasectomy so that there would not be 7 children instead of the 6 he already has.

Keep in mind that this is just my opinion, but I have been cheated on. I know what it feels like. There were no children involved thank goodness, but my ex had 23 girlfriends in 11 years, and 5 girls that were just “booty calls” as you said. I only knew about a couple of them but once he figured out that, yes he would have to go through a week or two of me being upset when I found out, but that I wasn’t going to leave him, he just continued to do it. So you could say, “I’ve been there, done that, bought the t-shirt AND had a season pass”.

I would suggest you get an attorney and get child support and visitations set up through the courts. Good Luck!


#12

Hey stepmother thanks! made it very clear that 3 strikes and you are out buddy, so he can try his luck he want to! Yes she knew he was marry,because she work in a store where we use to pay or bills at.She don’t care if the man is marry or what hell she had a baby by her sister husband, yes her own sister.This women started going after my husband in 1997 when I found out she was pregnant, i call her and ask her was that child my husband, and after that i guess she figure hell why not!You see Ive known her since high school when she had her first child at 14…These 2 kids was not about him, it was about getting child support because her husband was a drug addict, no job, no money…7 kids with 4 diff daddy’s, and hell she rack up on child support because her husband didnt work to take care of his 3 so other men did…but you know what all this doesnt matter right now its about the kids,because they didnt ask to be put in the middle…and its LOW for a women to use the kids as pawn. We have hire a lawyer so well let the attoney handle her…oh yea her last words to me was she wish that she could get pregnant! she has her tubes burn so she cant have anymore kids but hey she lied about this to my husband and out pop a second kid so who knows…


#13

Hey stepmother you may know the answer to this but what does sole custody with limited visitation means? Is it what I think it means that she will have control over dates, times, where when how kind of things? I guess some women who are sooo ghetto just will use use the kids anyway how! Well my husband is contesting this with his lawyer due to we aren’t seeking joint custody but just visitation. Oh yea by the way I don’t have to be civilized with this women because this is my husband and if I didn’t want him to be apart of these children lives then he wouldn’t, or he won’t have his family,but I did try to be civilized but this women was the one acting like the witch she is.I’m looking at that it is about the children bc they didn’t ask to be born out of wedlock, but I’m not kissing no one butt bc if she wanna contiune raising her children alone then so be it, he’s here with his children, so she’s use to her children being fatherless but I think at least his children by him deserve to be apart of our life…She sure be thankful I’m trying to be involved bc when they come to my home, she gonna have to one day talk to me! Because I an’t going NO WHERE!


#14

“sole custody” indicating that the parent with possession has most or all of the decision-making authority
The terms “sole custody” and “joint custody” have no special meaning in North Carolina except the meaning you give them in an agreement or the meaning a judge gives these terms in a court order. In other words, it all depends on what else the document says, if anything, about decision-making.

These are from the home site under custody. If she has sole custody in a court order then you will have to look at it to see what it says about decision making and that should include visitations. I would think with sole custody limited visitation would mean that your husband gets visitation when she allows him to. I do not know what the specifics would be about if she has say over where the visitation takes place.
No one is saying that you have to bow down to her, but keep in mind that those two children are his also. No one is saying that you have to be or even should be civilized to her either. In fact, if I were in your position, I would let your husband handle all of this from now on in order to keep the emotional stress off yourself and therefore your own children.
I do not believe that she is entitled to be present at the visitations either, but then again, that will depend on what the order says.
She does sounds like she’s using her children as a “meal ticket” but that is entirely up to her. I have to say, again, that your husband should have known this about her after the first child 5 years ago and cut all ties at that point other then child support and possible visitations. I still believe that he should never have let it happen a second time. I know, I know, she lied. She said her tubes were tied…but that does NOT mean that this is all her fault. And if you are going to continue to put all the blame on her then you are missing the bigger picture. If he hadn’t been messing around with her then there would be no reason for you to even find out that she lied about this. Now, there’s another life to account for, sadly, another child that this woman is responsible for. It sounds as though she doesn’t care. It sounds as though she’s also using these children for power over your husband. And she has it, due to no fault of you or those children she has control. I’m not saying that you should be pushed aside or take a back seat but this is not a situation that you can control. Your husband gave her the control over this situation by having the affair to start with. After that it’s only a matter of how much control you still have over your own life, because you do not have control over your husband’s children by this other woman or over your husband’s responsibility to those children.
You have said that you’re doing all this to so these children will know their father, but you have given your husband an ultimatum that he will lose you and your children if this doesn’t go the way YOU want it to, if you don’t call the shots. You have told him that he will not see these children unless it’s on your terms. In essence, you have put him in a position where he hasn’t a leg to stand on. He’s not asking for joint physical or legal custody so he will have no say in ANYTHING to do with these children. You have more or less told him that he can’t share custody with her because that would mean he would have too much contact with her that you would not be allowed to be involved in. You can’t have it both ways. Either you go for joint custody, which you may not get, and share responsibility with this woman or you leave it with her having sole custody and she makes all the decisions.


#15

Thanks stepmother for responsing to my question. Yes this is true about the control issue but it’s not on my part. The positon I put my husband in is that he can’t have his cake and eat it to. I want him, and his family to be apart of the children life, but I’m not gonna play these games. Really the only thing he is obligated to do is pay child support, but I truly believed that children no matter who produce them sure know their father. We will someday soon get visitation, and I don’t have a problem dealing with her, but I will not be dispected in my home by noone.I think her problem is that the affair is over, and she can’t handle it so she is using the kids as a last resort. I made it very clear to my husband that if he seem these kids outside the marriage then he can push on with them, and her.Yes these are her kids by my husband but ppl only have control of what you allow them to control. When we get visitation, the time they spend with us will be our time, and it’ll be w/o her and this is what she don’t like.She only has control of the kids etc, not my husband because if she did have control then he will be there with her raising the children with her, and this is what she wanted. I never gave my husband a choice because there wasn’t a choice to give until I found out about her, the 1st child, then the 2nd is when I gave him a choice either raise our family. or he go and raise her children with her. She gave him an ultimatum to leave me or lose her, adn once again he choose his family, but now she see’s that he’s serious about the custody etc she’s trying to pull out tricks…If I wated things my way or wanted to be a witch about it I’ll say the heck with it all, she got 7 children so let her raise them alone as she have been, and as far as I’m concern he was just a sperm donor, but then the kids will pay, and it’s not fair! When he goes to mediation, court etc I’ll be there to support him because even through this was his mistake, I choose to be apart of it!


#16

hey stepmother maybe you can help.what is the process for mediation in the state of n.c?


#17

I have been marry to the same man for 19 years going on 20 yrs 2005. We have 3 children with a fourth on the way come november. Well he had an affair and out pop a girl 5 yrs ago, now just 3 months ago I find out by her mouth and partnity test another child…We decided to saty together, and he appointed me as liason to arrange visit, etc…what rights do I have? If any, and if he appoints me to make the appointments is this acceptable? She refuse to allow the kids to spend time with us alone, without her upon request, and also she’s very upset, is it possiable to have mediation assigned upon getting visitation?