Refusing kids to have contact with adulteress


#1

It is obvious you are angry and hurt, however, here is the situation:

  1. Your husband will eventually divorce you - not the children - he will still be their father.
  2. Despite his actions and behavior he is and will always be their father.
  3. You will not gain any ground by disparaging him to his children or denying him visitation with his children and this may in fact hurt your ability to have joint custody of the children.
    Your best bet is to draw up some sort of mutually agreeable custody situation so you don’t have to address this in court, though it sounds as though you are headed in this direction. There is no courtor judge that will prohibit your soon to be ex from having visitation with his children unless there are drug or domestic violence involved.

#2
quote:
[i]Originally posted by mal[/i] [br]It is obvious you are angry and hurt, however, here is the situation: 1. Your husband will eventually divorce you - not the children - he will still be their father. 2. Despite his actions and behavior he is and will always be their father. 3. You will not gain any ground by disparaging him to his children or denying him visitation with his children and this may in fact hurt your ability to have joint custody of the children. Your best bet is to draw up some sort of mutually agreeable custody situation so you don't have to address this in court, though it sounds as though you are headed in this direction. There is no courtor judge that will prohibit your soon to be ex from having visitation with his children unless drugs or domestic violence are involved.

#3

You sound very bitter, judgemental and narrow-minded. Sometimes marriages just don’t work out. People grow apart and realize that the person they married is not what they thought they were getting. Sounds like maybe your bible-thumping, narrow-minded fundie mentality drove him away and he is trying to forge a new life with someone who is much less judgemental, happier with herself, and possibly a better mother and role model for his children.

Please don’t continue to poison your children’s attitudes toward others. The father and daughters have a right to choose how much time they want to spend together.


#4

I am simply asking for respect.

Yes, couples fall out of love for each other and into love with another partner. BUT, when you are married 20 years and you have 4 children, then you show decency and respect to your children and to the mother of your children by ending one relationship before starting another.

This is how I (we) raised our children.


#5

You can have incorporated into your custody order that neither one of you will have overnight guests of the opposite sex while the children are in physical custody. My order has that in it, but it does not stop the ex from violating it. I am sorry that one of the responses seemed to show disrespect. You have three daughters of impressionable ages. Although you cannot control who or what your ex associates with, I can understand the concern you have for your children. I believe the 16 year old can determine her own “custody” to some extent. Please contact an attorney to see what can be done.
If you are not divorced yet, then him openly living with a woman can work in your favor…still married and openly co-habitating??? Lawyer told me during the separation, “no men, period.”


#6

We are ony separated, not divorced.

I do have an attorney and right now we are concentrating on the post separation needs hearing which in the AM. In May, there is a hearing for visitation. My husband and I have not been able to just sit down and agree on anything, therefore everything is just going to the attorney/judge/courts. The adultery has caused bitterness in me, that is only natural I would think. I know this just raises the $$$, but I have certain strong convictions and both of us are stubborn, I guess, but this is my financial future and the furture of the children.

Thanks for all the responses. I would still like to have rosen comment on children and visitation with father’s mistress while still married, and not just divorced. What steps do I have to go through to insure no contact. (She has not shown great respect for our children. She was in the car when he drove in our driveway to drop off something and she stuck her tongue out at one of the girls)


#7

I can understand your frustration with this sitatuion but the fact of the matter is that you and your husband are separated and obviously heading for divorce. Just because you may have lost your husband to another woman, does not mean that the children have lost their father. If he wants to spend time with them in his home he has a right to do that. Yes, there can be a clause in the agreement about no one of the opposite sex overnight while the children are there but in the end is that really going to matter since they know that this is the situation. The best advice I can give you is to live YOUR life so that your daughters will know what you believe is right. Your STBX obviously has changed his views on some of the things that you as a couple believed. This is something that you will either have to accept and live with or be miserable.
Now, there are actions that you can take to “make her pay” but in reality you can not keep your STBX from having your daughters around another woman. The psychologist may agree but that she has no say in the matter. What he should do and can do legally are two different things. The only thing that you can control is that either she or they do not spend the night with him during their visits but that is only until the divorce. You can not legally keep them from having contact with her if he wants her around. In my opinion you are only prolonging the inevitable and you are not doing your daughters any favors by not allowing them to stay overnight with thier father. If you are feeding their feelings about this situation with your own judgements, you should take a step back and rethink things. If your children have a strong enough faith as you believe they do then THEY will let their father know that they do not agree with this situation and THEY will force him to make some changes.
None of the children can decide their custody. They can have a say in it to a certain extent but unless they are in danger or being neglected, there is no court that I know of that will not allow him visitations. It must be decided for them. It sounds as though you have primary custody and he has visitations. At 18 they can decide not to visit their father any longer but until then it is up to you to enforce visitations. Just because YOU do not agree with a situation or like it does not meant that you have the right to keep his children from him.
I would suggest that you speak with him. Let him know that he is not to bring her with him to your home, for any reason, even if she stays in the car. And that he needs to speak to her about respecting your children and being civilized to them. It may also be a good idea for you to speak to your daughters about this. This woman, even though she is not their mother is another adult and they should respect her. You have the ability right now to make things difficult for him, her, your children, and even yourself but whether you choose to do that is up to you. In my opinion, it would be better for everyone involved if you accepted the fact and work on making things easier for everyone. You can protect your own and your children’s future finacially while being fair instead of vengeful. You can decide to be the “bigger” person and let your children get to know this woman…what happens if he marries her??? What happens when/if you meet someone else?? Someone that has children from a previous marriage? Would you want those children to treat you badly and be disrespectful to you because you are not their mother? You have to set a standard for your children to learn by and this is not something that I think you want them to learn. While you are trying to look ahead for your finacial future, you should try looking ahead to your emotional future also. I do understand bitterness and dealing with the “other woman” but it’s up to you on how you handle it. I know that you aren’t divorced yet, but I’m telling you from experience, YOU have the power to make this difficult or easy for your children and they are going to mimic your reactions and learn from you how you treat someone who hurts you. What kind of lesson are you teaching them? Your STBX and this woman are committing adultery, so it’s up to you to make sure they are punished?
Save your money, trust me, it will come back around to them. Live your life the way YOU believe is right so that your daughters learn by example. This is just my opinion though.


#8
quote:
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br]"What kind of lesson are you teaching them? Your STBX and this woman are committing adultery, so it's up to you to make sure they are punished? Save your money, trust me, it will come back around to them. Live your life the way YOU believe is right so that your daughters learn by example. This is just my opinion though.

If NC would just drop the biblebelt backwardness and join the 21st century, we wouldn’t have all this retrictiveness about who a person chooses to live/sleep with. If you can get married without a waiting perion, you should be able to get divorced without one too.

I agree with the other reply, the husband obviously doesn’t want to associate with the ex-spouse anymore and is trying to move on with his life. Her using her stiff-necked morality to keep the kids from him is petty and vindictive. “fundie mentality” is an apt term, ncspouse.


#9

I applaud Stepmother. Well said.

There is nothing you can do to change the past. In the long run, your children will make their own minds up based on how they were raised. What comes around-goes around in the end, on it’s own.

Concentrate on you and your kids when you have them. Concentrate on your own emotional health. Do not linger on him and how he is living his life. It is none of your concern anymore and it will only eat at you if you let it. I understand feelings of betrayal and hurt-that is normal. But time will heal those feelings.


#10

Please do not misunderstand, I was not trying to be ugly or harsh in my post. I wouldn’t disagree that NC should change some of it’s laws but I do believe that waiting one year is a good thing for the most part. Regardless of the reasons behind divorce, or who’s at fault, it’s ONE year out of your life to think about the commitment you made to this other person, to decide if what you are giving up is worth it, and to provide for your own future by deciding which path you are taking next. It gives everyone time to calm down, some of the emotions and hurt will lessen and at times you can look at the entire situation differently. In 6 months, you are amazed to find out that things have changed so drastically since spouse first moved out, or since you left. Things that you would agree to right now just to get out of it, wouldn’t look like as good of an arrangement in a year or even 5 years from now. I don’t agree that the government should make these decisions for you but it’s a good idea that since that time is a requirement for divorce, use it to make a new life for yourself and to figure out some things.
While I believe that you should set a good example for children, I also believe that children are more resilient than we give them credit for. But sometimes it does take longer for them to understand the situation and accept it. If the adults don’t adjust to new circumstances it will take the children even longer and will be emotionally more difficult on them. Children do not understand why you don’t want them to like Mom’s new boyfriend or Dad’s new girlfriend and they should not be made to choose. They love you as much as they love their other parent. The boyfriends, girlfriends, and stepparents are NEVER going to replace the parents that they have but it’s up to the parents to let them know it’s not going to affect your feelings for them if they like or even love the person in their other parent’s life.


#11

What many folks don’t see sometimes is that marriages can deteriorate over time and when a separation / divorce finally happens, there may NOT be a needed time of waiting emotionally for people. The separation / divorce is a relief. It may still be sad and you may miss some things, but overall, you know you made the right choice. The OTHER person may see it differently (ie: get mad, vengeful, sad…) as would be understandable.

The other woman sticking her tongue out is childish, I agree, as well as disrespectful. I have mixed feelings on the 1 year waiting period and kindof having your life “on hold” so to speak as far as other relationships-if you look at the legal aspects of that.

You can’t deny access of the kids to your STBX. Whether you agree or disagree with how he lives his life matters not. Your children will see their Dad and make their own decisions based on how you raised them AND how you model to them. Being strong and moving on dispite your pain shows your strength and ability to ‘forgive’. Not badmouthing him in front of them is key too. It’s unfair to them. As HARD as it may be, you shouldn’t do that. EVEN IF HE DOES, you shouldn’t-you rise above that. In the end, your children will see that you are the role model-not him. My mother did that when my Dad left, and I remember having really bad feelings toward her and what she said. She also used me and my sister as ‘moles’-to find out what he was doing, who he was seeing etc. That was unfair too.

It doesn’t sound like you have a separation agreement or if you do, it doesn’t address visitation. I have a feeling that if it comes out in court that he is LIVING with another woman, and it’s a relationship (though he may claim it’s only a ‘roommate’). I don’t see how a judge would allow overnight stays-especially during separation period. I would be interested to know how the judge rules in this case when presented with all the circumstances. I hope you keep us informed.


#12

I was deeply disturbed when reading the comments regarding your post Kateyoung123. I will even go so far as to say directly to beachlover and ncspouse78 that you two must not have any morals left in your entire being. The problem nowadays is that people are too openminded about issues and morals that we grew up with and it makes it easier for people to have the attitude that oh well, if the marriage doesnt work out we can always get divorced. PLEASE! I have been married twice. The first time, my husband would actually pack right in front of me to go and spend the weekend with his mistress while I took care of his son from a previous relationship. Believe me, I know the pain that adultery can cause, it makes you feel as you did everything wrong and that you werent good enough for him/her. I am here to tell you kateyoung123, you are better off without that cheating man and I am living proof that you can find love again in time. My current husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am a mother of one and a stepmother of 2. I wasnt even around when my husband and his ex split up, but his exwife will not speak to me unless it is in anger. She actually called me when I was about 5 months pregnant telling me that she never intended for her children to have half/stepbrothers/sisters. That hurt! Alot! And yes, she keeps her kids away from my precious baby girl who has never hurt a soul. Give yourself time to grieve for the love you have lost and seek counseling to help you get through this, but please do not punish the kids by keeping them from their father. I do agree that he should not have the kids when he has an overnight guests. I agree that it sends a bad message to our children that its ok to treat people however you want because you can always find someone new. I guess we are the last of a dying breed my dear girl. dont give up on your beliefs and true morals-pass that along to your wonderful daughters. My husband and I made a pact that we would never, ever speak badly of his ex no matter the circumstance or our feelings in front of the kids, although i cant say the same about her. Someday when they are older, they will think back upon this time and see the things that happened and understand. They will respect you more if you dont put them in the middle of this tug of war. Because bottom line is, none of this is their fault. Shower them with love and pray that God will protect you and guide you in the future. Concentrate on the things you can change and not the things you cant. If for no other reason than to show him and his new “friend” that they arent going to dictate your life and how you live it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


#13
quote:
[i]Originally posted by misledandconfused[/i] [br]The problem nowadays is that people are too openminded

Closed-minded is better?


#14

““The problem nowadays is that people are too openminded””

Spoken like a true fundie…

[:D]


#15

I am not saying closed minded is better. But take a look at the world in which we live in today. The violence, hatred, sexual exploitation.
All I know is that I worry about my 3 year old daughter growing up in a world where anything goes and people are not held accountable for their actions. I assume I am speaking to a couple of you (beachlover and ncspouse78) that have never been through a cheating spouse or perhaps you were cheating spouses yourselves. Why else would you lash out at a woman who is trying to come to terms with her 20 some year marriage falling apart and knowing that it is due at least in part to another woman. I just felt so bad when you seemed to want to make her the bad person, when right now she is the victim and should be encouraged to do the right thing and think things through. Have you not ever just let all your frustations out because you were hurting so bad and just wanted to hurt the person that caused you this pain? evidently not if you can be so quick to put the blame on the woman, why? just because she does have values? i thought it very unfair for you to insinuate that she ran her husband off. you know, sometimes a cheat is just a cheat, a scumbag is just a scumbag. And that my friends is exactly my point. The world we live in today, makes excuses for a man/woman who cheats on their spouse by saying that the spouse must not have been doing something right for them to cheat. To that I would say bs. Sometimes, really good people get hurt by people who are “open-minded”. kateyoung123 hang in there girl. The best is yet to come…


#16

Dear kateyoung123:

Greetings. No, you are not likely to get no contact and even if you did, if he is joining this woman into his life, then she will be in your children’s life. Even though she does not have the morals you would like, helping your children to include her in their lives in a positive way may be the best for the long term. Best I can tell you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#17
quote:
[i]Originally posted by misledandconfused[/i] [br]But take a look at the world in which we live in today. The violence, hatred, sexual exploitation.

Right, cuz, y’know, we’ve never had any of that kinda stuff in past human history. And most certainly not in the name of religion! [;)]


#18

Dear beachlover:

LOL - it is often hard when someone is the parent that is cheated on not to “help” the children with their beliefs about the other’s parent’s affair and how that affects the children. This is generally alienation, even if not completely intended. Yeah, it happens all the time and is USUALLY with the good intentions of the hurt parent. Thank you and good luck.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#19

Hey Janet- wanna know the real funny thing?
I was the one that was cheated on- caught her at it. Tried to hold the marriage together, begged her to go to marriage counseling. ended up walking away from the marriage and everything material built in 10 years of marriage so the kids wouldn’t have to watch us fight over material things and suffer.
I found someone new - rebuilt my life- now she is trying to give me the shaft by using the kids against me as a weapon. Basically disparaging me to my son always telling him that I am wrong about everything, etc- you know the game I am sure you’ve heard it before.
and now she touts HER christian values and miss goody two shoes personality to the court and claims that I am immoral and not a good role model for my son etc - ALL because I found someone new that acts like an adult and treats me 200% better than she EVER did.
Broken people need to get help.

Just had to voice how


#20

Amazing how beachlover that you are trying to turn this situation into a problem about religion. So yeah, I will tell you right now that I will pray for your soul. I have never tried to push my views about religion, politics etc on someone else, everyone has their own beliefs or non-beliefs. So, tell me why is it that you feel the need to bash religion so intensely? Alot of people turn to religion or a higher being when they feel alone in their life or have suffered grief. I think the true point to make here is that kateyoung123 tries her best to encourage open communication between the kids and their father and whatever helps her do this is her right. do you not think that since everything is still so new that the kids might also feel abandoned by their father that he would choose to live somewhere else without them. And if you have any kids, you would know that that is exactly how kids feel at first thinking that it is all their fault.
And as for your comment about not having those things before now, violence, sexual exploitation etc… I didnt imply that it didnt exist my point is that it is worse now than it ever was and we should try to instill in our children morals and the difference between right and wrong. Whether you are religious or not, cheating spouses are cheating spouses and its wrong morally and ethically. I wouldnt wish a cheating spouse on my worse enemy, the pain and anguish you go through. May you never have to go through that beachlover, but every fiber in my being tells me that you are probably the cheating kind and have probably have given more grief than you have received. Watch out, what goes around comes around. and just to aggravate you a little more, I will pray that somehow, someway you will finally understand…