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[i]Originally posted by misledandconfused[/i] [br]... just to aggravate you a little more, I will pray that somehow, someway you will finally understand.........
LOL, why would you think that the idea of you prattling off to your little imaginary creature in the sky would bother me? [:D]
Beachlover this is not a contest to see who is right or wrong. You believe what you do and I believe what I do. Its rather funny really that you insist on trying to provoke me. But no matter what you say, I know the truth in my heart, and I guess we will see who laughs last on judgement day. [:)]
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[i]Originally posted by misledandconfused[/i] [br]...I guess we will see who laughs last on judgement day. [:)]
You envision yourself gleefully laughing at the misfortunes of others on this mythical “judgement day” of yours?
How very christian of you. [;)]
Awww beachlover, with you everything is an argument huh? Can’t we just agree to disagree? You live in your world and I will live in mine. Go on believing that you evolved from the apes if you want to, and when you die? what then? I prefer to believe in God and all that he created and that one day when I pass from this earth, I will live in eternal peace. How can anyone argue with that? Why would anyone want to? My thoughts and beliefs are my own. And that is my God given right. Yep, I said it- GOD given. Do not belittle my beliefs just because they are not your own. Whatever it is that you believe in or dont believe in, I wish you much happiness and love in your life. And that’s my Christian attitude. Take care…
Kateyoung123 -
I wanted to let you know that the replies that I posted were with the best intentions for your daughters. I really do uderstand what you feel as far as your STBX cheating. I have been there. Though I do not have children that have gone through this I have seen how my husband’s two boys reacted to the way their mother treated me. My husband and I met about a month after she left him for another man. She had been content to leave the boys with him several nights a week while she went out with her single friends. This went on for 3 years before she left. She pushed for the separation agreement so that she could be seen in public with her boyfriend. She was still content to leave the children with him until she found out that he was also dating again (me). She hit the roof. She vowed that her children wouldn’t be allowed to be around me because she was their mother and I was not going to raise them.
I’m not a violent person and I would NEVER do anything to harm a child physically or emotionally. During the year that they were separated waiting on divorce, there were 7 incidents where I was threatened with bodily harm, cursed at, yelled at and harrassed in general. Most of these were in front of her children, and two involved the police. She keyed my car and followed us on several occasions. This entire time, she has had her boyfriend living with her. She has since gone through 3 other men and recently broke up with one that was living with her for the last 2 years. I never spent the night with my husband while his children were there until we got married. This was not solely due to their agreement but it was because we agreed that neither of us wanted the children to see that this was the “right” way to live. I have never once spoken a single word to her, or said anything negative to the children about her and yet, the youngest, who is 9 now, still occasionally asks me why his mom doesn’t like me. The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back was at his Christmas program year before last where his mother caused a scene, in front of the children and other family members, with no provication. Both children told their mother that night, in front of me that they were sick of it. They were tired of her talking about me and they didn’t want to hear it any more.
I am telling you this because I want you to understand that I’ve seen what this type of behavior can do to children. If this is how she’s treating them, it will come back to her. Your job is to make sure that your daughters do not act this way toward her, as difficult as that is because that is not how a true “lady” acts. Your STBX will probably see that eventually. Most parents will not tolerate someone specifically being mean to their children. I do not suggest that you try to be friends with her, because there’s no reason for that. In fact, after letting your ex know that he is not to bring her to your home, you should ignore that she even exists. Don’t talk to her, don’t look at her, don’t acknowledge her existence. If she does end up being someone important to your STBX then deal with ONLY her treatment of your children at that point. Please do not waste time and energy on her that you could be spending on your children.
I apologize if some of the people on this forum didn’t respect the fact that you were reaching out for support and I hope that you will keep us posted.
I understand everyone’s comments. Stepmother, it sounds like you were considersate to your husband’s children while you were dating. Myself and the children, though, feel as if this other woman came in and “stole” husband and dad away. Yes, men don’t leave a happy mariage and it takes two to have an affair, but husband was suffering inside I think from issues that could have been handled differently. Two months before he left home he stopped drinking alcohol completely and he was a self confessed alcoholic. he also stopped his depression meds. He was a MD himself so he would never seek medical help. He treated himself.He never went to any AA or counselling. I almost feel in way he is trading one addiction for another. He only met the lady a month before he left to live with her.
Anyway, I certainly want dad to spend time with the girls but he refuses to see them more than once a week for a restaurant dinner unless they are allowed to go to his house and be with him and his girlfriend. The girls do want that either. They are seeing that dad is putting his girlfriend before them. He is being controlling and maybe I’m being stubborn.The girls tell their psychologist that they are happy with the once weekly dinner.
Stepmother, before your husband was divorced did you go with him to the kids school or their other activities or did you respect the fact that he was still married? Just curious. It sounds like his kids were younger, though
Kate:
I also have been reading these posts and I can tell you that it is difficult whichever ‘side’ you’re on. It is also still pretty fresh in your emotions too. I am sure it is difficult to see your husband move on-even if you think he may NOT be moving on as you think he should. You never know—given a few months, he may SEE that he made a mistake. We ALL make mistakes. Going from one addicition to another is common-be that addiction from alcohol, to smoking or drugs or porn or another woman.
I know that you want the best for your children. Unfortunately, you can’t mold their time with thier Dad–even if THEY say they don’t like it. They can express those feelings to their Dad and then maybe HE will modify. Your husband will only take your advise and desires as interference in his life and that will lead to worse feelings all the way around.
I dont know if this makes it worse or better, but I was told by my preacher that once certain things were done in a marriage (ie: deceit, adultry, lying…) then marriage vows have been broken (but not irreparable). Yes you are still legally married on paper, but there are more aspects of ‘marriage’ (trust, honor, true love, respect…). Those parts need 2 folks to repair. If he doesn’t want it-you’ll never get it back and you just have to resolve to accept it and move on. That means YOU could find Mr. Wonderful while you’re still married too.
Actually, the one Christmas program is the only thing I ever went to. It wasn’t out of respect for him still being married though. He and I talked a great deal about his marriage and separation and I made it painfully clear to him that I was not going to put myself into a position to get hurt if he decided to make his marriage work. I did not want there to be a possibility of that and it be on MY conscience that his family wasn’t together. I made sure that he understood that he was going to have to make that decision whether I was in the picture or not and I did not want to influence. Before we started dating seriously he made a decision about his marriage. She had left him for another man and I guess it’s lucky for me that he’s a one chance type of man. He would not take her back regardless of my involvement and that was the only reason that he and I started dating.
The boys asked me in the past to go to Fall Festivals and other functions but there was just too much risk. We couldn’t go anywhere with or without the children without running the risk of their mother showing up because she found out we would be there. Their mother would scream and yell, curse and make rude gestures all in front of her boys. The boys apologized to me for the way their mom acted. I told them that it didn’t bother me and that it was not their place to apologize or even worry about it. I could tell that it bothered them and that hurt me even more. I’ve never felt so bad in all my life as the day that I happened to looked at her as we were picking up the boys. She jumped out of her car, pounding on the window for me to get out and face her. The boys are in the back seat and begging me not to look at her or listen to her. All I wanted to do was shake her really hard and make her see what she was doing to her own children.
It’s been over a year now since I’ve even seen her because of all this, though she is now on medication. There’s just no reason for me to have any contact with her. Her and my husband deal with everything about the children between themselves and it doesn’t need to involve me. I know about it but I don’t insert myself into everything. I’m sure there will be a time down the road that it will not be this easy…all I can hope is that when that time comes, she behaves herself. It would be a shame to have to have her arrested at one of the boys weddings [;)]
I know that your husband leaving and moving in with someone else is very painful and that it would be nice if you had some say in this. Needinganswers was correct in his original post about him living with someone during the separation may help on custody, but sadly, that will not get his rights to visitations taken away. If this goes to court, and it would be easier if it didn’t, he will probably still get every other weekend visits and it will be a court order. Which means that you will be in violation if you do not enforce it. (Make them go) I know this is lousy, and I know it’s difficult. This is why almost all of us are trying to get you to understand that it will be easier on your children if you swallow your feelings and work something out. Let him live in chaos if he chooses.
Your children do not have a say in this. If they are not in danger they will have to visit their father. If he is choosing to put his girlfriend before his children, it will come back to him in the long run. I think this may be something alot of children feel, especially if one parent isn’t “dating”. You have all of your time to devote to your children while your STBX is devoting part of his time to his girlfriend. I’m not making excuses for him, he may be a lousy father, but what I am saying is that you do not know his side of it and may never know. You do not know what truly happens on their visits and it’s really none of your concern as long as they are not harmed.
You were living with an alcolholic, I do know a little something about that too…my ex. It took me a long time to figure out afterwards that the only thing I can control is me. He’s going to do things and say things that infuriate me, humiliate me and hurt me. I can’t stop him from doing or saying those things. I can however control my reaction and how I let that stuff affect me. Has it occured to you that your ex is putting her under your nose because he KNOWS it will push buttons? Because he knows it bothers you so much?
“Misled”: Nice bit o’ claw retraction there. Very creative. [;)]
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[i]Originally posted by beachlover[/i] [br]"Misled": Nice bit o' claw retraction there. Very creative. [;)]
I have held back, but Beachlover: What the heck is your problem/story/point to the majority of your posts? I don’t think I’ve read a truly sympathetic, advisory, or non-smartassed, non-sarcastic comment from you. This forum is not to criticize others’ views concerning their current situation, morals or religious beliefs. I read Stepmother’s post on the Other Forum and agree 100%. You need to read it and refrain from negative comments. They don’t do any good other than rile folks up and cause them to defend their thoughts/beliefs. This is a LEGAL forum, not a personal or moral one. If you want a ‘fight’ or ‘lively debate’, then take it elsewhere.
My sincerest apologies kateyoung123 for my participation in the debate here dealing with religion. I want you to know I have been where you are now and I know the hurt you are feeling. The last thing I wanted was to turn your forum topic into a battlefield when you have so much to deal with as it is. I pray that you will find the strength and wisdom you need in the days ahead. Also, my apology extends to all who have read or written here. [:I]
Husband moved out in Oct and within 10 days bought another home and has another women living with him (she left her husband at the same time) Have 3 daughters (16, 13, 10). I have not allowed children to visit in his home as they are actively living in adultery. Children have been raised with Christian values (attend catholic church regularly)
Girls go to psychologist and she agrees dad should visit girls in a neutral spot or family home and i would not interfere with visit. Husband refuses to cooperate and wants to take it to the judge and he says his attorney told him the children will be allowed to have overnight visits. (of note he has very little contact with children -once a week for a dinner at a restaurant. Girls don’t wish to see him anymore than that and he doesn’t contact them inbetween visits)
Can I force that my children have no contact with this “lady” and for how long. (I would like forever) She doesn’t exhibit the same morals we (I) have taught these girls. They (the girls) know adultery is wrong and they think what their dad is doing is disgusting