This is just a personal opinion. But since you are divorced now, why should it matter? It will only show that you haven’t moved on and that you are jealous. Your ex is trying to keep a friendship going for your son’s sake. Don’t make matter’s worse, not saying you are. Please for your son, don’t make things bad between you two.
My children are sent off to their dad during the Holidays and I have to make sure it is done. If you know in your heart that your son is going to be safe then move on with your life. Go have fun and enjoy life being mother less for a week or two. Just call your son every day and talk to him. But get some rest.
The marriage is over. Be the better person and let it go. You can’t stop your son from seeing daddy because you are made over his girlfriend being pregnant.
I disagree. I see what she is saying. The kid is 5 years old. Is it a good idea for him to learn, over a Christmas visit, that his unmarried dad is going to give him a half brother from a woman he may not even know? That is a bit much for his age. He’s at the age where little things like that can impact him a bit in the short run but certainly more in the long run. Whether or not you should do anything, dont know. Thats up to you. I’m sure you could get an order for the husband to not talk about it but I’m not sure the judge would see it as a big issue and may just dismiss it. You might want to try to reason with your x and see how that goes. At the least, try to get him to wait until towards the end of the visit before he breaks the news.
Just my 2 cents.
Denny Crane
My 5 cents. Children are malleable. They get strongly affected by things we think are trivial and they don’t even register things that we think are traumatic. There is one certainty, though, children DO notice the way their parents react to situations and they learn from that. 5 year olds do not struggle with morality the way adults do, they simply take in information, process it, then react accordingly.
I understand that your morality is different from your STBX. (maybe that’s why he’s an ex, idk.) I do agree with young_fool that your original post does reek of disapproval and control. (e.g. the mention of overnight visits…if he didnt’ get the GF pregnant while the son was in the house, then why bring this up? Obviously he didn’t because the son ‘has no knowledge of this girlfriend’. It is immaterial to the matter at hand.)
Adjusting the Xmas visitation because you disapprove of your ex’s lifestyle and decision, is simply an attempt to control something that will have to have to come out in the wash one way or another…and soon. You cannot prevent him from learning about the unmarried, pregnant GF or his soon to be half-sibling, but you can be there to help him adjust to the situation.
You have a right to raise your child with the morals you sit fit, but so does your ex. Choosing to have a child while unmarried isn’t an absence of morals, but a different set of morals. It is his right to inform his 5 year old of a pending younger sibling. Whether this is to be done during or after Xmas is between the two of you.
Your ex will have to tell the child something soon, otherwise it’ll appear as though he hid it (lied?) from the child’s perspective. And what happens if he meets the GF and asks why she is so fat? Should the ex lie because it’ll make you feel more comfortable? Worse, what happens if you do prevent your son from learning about the GF and sibling until after the sibling is born? That’s a whole other world of potential problems right there.
Personally, I think springing both the GF AND the baby on him at the same time is a mistake. It would be overwhelming for your son to have to process both at the same time. He should’ve introduced the GF a while back so that your son didn’t get hit with the double-whammy at once. However, I don’t think preventing the child from seeing the father at Xmas is the answer.
I agree with all of you. I am reacting somewhat out of emotion. My son and I live out of state. He will see him at Christmas and again for spring break. The problem I have is suddeness of all of this. I don’t think there is a good solution. Just three weeks ago his father came here and stayed with us while our son had surgery. We got along well and discussed at length the importance of continuing to be a joint part in his life. My son has never met this woman, has up until this point been told by both of us (His father and I) that although we are not married he is our number one and nothing will ever come between that. We had agreed to put of dating until he was a little older and for the past year his father has steadfastly agreed that it would be detrimental to our child. I guess nature will play its course. He said he has no intention of marrying this woman. I know her and wonder if I should try to foster some sort of relationship with her to the benefit of my child and his future brother/sister. I am just thankful this is on him and not me. I am not jealousm I feel sorry for the both children. I am upset because my son is 5 and for the first time in a long time he is happy. So happy. Why? Why could he father be so selfish.
Who knows what decision he made and why…or if he even thought about potential outcomes? People have biological urges and under stress, those urges become stronger. (leaving out any talk of morality or immorality here…) So, he might have lied about dating or he may not have considered what he did with this woman actually dating…who knows? Either way, it is what it is and now everyone has to find a way to best make it all work and put the kids first. I don’t envy you this. It’s complex.
FWIW, it doesn’t automatically follow that your son will suddenly become unhappy because of this new child. He might even be relieved that he isn’t alone in all of this! (I used to wish for another sibling simply because I was tired of always getting the full punishment of getting into trouble.) I think a lot of that is dependent upon how all the adults react in this situation.
I think if the GF is willing, that it would be a good idea to let her know that you are open and accepting of forming some kind of relationship for the good of all the children. And, truthfully, it sounds like you have much to offer experience-wise to her as both a parent and as someone who was in a relationship previously to the father of her child. I wouldn’t push the relationship, but just let her know that you are open to it.
quote:[i]Originally posted by misty[/i]
[br]I agree with all of you. I am reacting somewhat out of emotion. My son and I live out of state. He will see him at Christmas and again for spring break. The problem I have is suddeness of all of this. I don't think there is a good solution. Just three weeks ago his father came here and stayed with us while our son had surgery. We got along well and discussed at length the importance of continuing to be a joint part in his life. My son has never met this woman, has up until this point been told by both of us (His father and I) that although we are not married he is our number one and nothing will ever come between that. We had agreed to put of dating until he was a little older and for the past year his father has steadfastly agreed that it would be detrimental to our child. I guess nature will play its course. He said he has no intention of marrying this woman. I know her and wonder if I should try to foster some sort of relationship with her to the benefit of my child and his future brother/sister. I am just thankful this is on him and not me. I am not jealousm I feel sorry for the both children. I am upset because my son is 5 and for the first time in a long time he is happy. So happy. Why? Why could he father be so selfish.
I have three children & the man that I have been seeing has one (the two youngest are 7 & 5). We are in the situation of your ex. We have never stayed with one another in the same bed with the children in the house, our children only know that we are friends. But we are expecting. It was not planned, but not to long ago when his son was at the dentist for the first time they got him on video saying that he wanted to be a big brother. My youngest would love a baby in the house. We are hoping to wait until after the holidays to tell the children so that his ex doesn’t freak out & ruin the holidays for everyone (although she has a bf, this will bother her b/c she didn’t want any siblings for her son). I understand that you are hurting, it just reinforces that your life with this man is over, but honestly sweetie, your son will read your sincere feelings about this and he will feed off of those. It will not be easy, but find some way to let go of the pain and be happy for your son. He has the chance to be happy and can be a big brother. I’d ask your ex to let you know ahead of time what day and about when he plans to tell your son so that you can be sure to have a good deal of time to talk to him that night incase he wants to tell you about it. He may be protective over mommy, so the key will be to be open to whatever he is feeling. If it is negative, just don’t discourage or encourage it. Instead, support whatever he feels and let him talk to you openly about it. If he is unhappy, help him to find things that will make him happy about the situation (he’s going to be a big brother & can teach the baby a lot of things, let him drawn pictures to send and all). In the meantime, morally you and your ex may be different, but it sounds like you are both on the same page for your son. It is better to not wait until the baby gets here to tell him, he may feel like he was treated unfairly and that may certainly cause some resentment. Don’t interfer with the visit, allow your ex to maybe be with someone that can turn him back into the man that you fell in love with. And for you sweetie, move forward, don’t put your life on hold. You deserve someone in your life that makes you happy, if you are happy with a good man in your life, your son will see it.
I agree it may be hard for your son to hear this news, but if he does not see his dad again until spring break to you think it would be harder for him to find out after the baby is already here? Sometimes visitation can be changed if another child arrives, however you would need to prove that other circumstances surrounding the birth of the child have changed, such as his ability to care for the child.
P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com for details
Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax
Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044
Sutton Station
5826 Fayetteville Rd. Suite 205
Durham, NC 27713
Phone: (919) 321-0780
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.
He told me tonight that he doesn’t think he will be coming down for his birthday in January (my ex’s, not my sons) and he does not think it would be a good idea for my son to go up there for spring break. I think this may be the begining of the end for him. That would be 6 months between visitation. Ouch!
Sorry to hear that, I am sure it will be hard for your son.
P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com for details
Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax
Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044
Sutton Station
5826 Fayetteville Rd. Suite 205
Durham, NC 27713
Phone: (919) 321-0780
The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.
Misty, I am so sorry that your ex is becoming like this. It really sounded like you had a decent relationship with him to begin with. Sadly, this sounds like this is your ex’s true colors though and if this is how he is going to be, then maybe it will be better now than for it to be drug out for a long period of time. Your son will hurt for a while, but it definitely sounds like he has an awesome mommy that can help him through it.
If there is anything that I can do or if you just need to talk, email me using the account linked to my user name. Not all men are like this, I am sorry for your son that your ex husband is.
Sometimes adults do not think or behave like adults. It is sad that children have to deal with whatever the adults decide. The “new” baby could be a “blessing” or a “curse”, but just like your son, this new baby has no choice in the matter. It’s a mess what divorce wreaks on the kids. And no. I do not think the mother of this 5 year old child is bitter, angry, or controlling. But, I do see the mother of this 5 year old eventually raising her son alone and probably the unmarried girlfriend of her ex-husband will raise that child alone too.
We were separated on March 27, 2007, custody was finalized January 22, 2008, divorce was finalized September 22, 2008 all done in NC. I live in Alabama and have custody of our 5 year old son. He lives in NC and our custody agreement states that he cannot have overnight visits from any unmarried person of the opposite sex. I found out today that he has been dating a girl for over a year and they have a baby due Jan/Feb. They are not married and not living together. My son has no knowledge of this girlfriend or the baby but my ex plans to tell him while my son is in NC for Christmas. Should I do anything? Is there anything that can be done?
I think it is innapropriate to tell him over Christmas. I think it is morally wrong and I feel that his visitation should be adjusted. Any advice would be great.