She keeps winning it all


[size=100]I truly don’t understand what we have done pertaining to the laws of our state on divorce, ED and custody. I’m in the middle of ED and child custody dispute. We were granted a divorce through separation (That’s because there is no “adultery” claim in this state anymore… When did we decide to throw THAT out???)

She admittedly, (and by a written statement from her now new husband), had an affair after nearly 3 years of marriage to me and a 2-year-old daughter. Even though she has extreme emotional problems, she convinced both her attorney and mine… (I have since fired this one and hired a new one), that she have primary custody and I can have my daughter “any time I want her”… which now, is FOUR DAYS A MONTH…down from “whenever you want her”… Her new husband gets to see my child every day, talk to her, read her stories, tuck her in bed… I only get her when she “allows” me to… my FOUR days a month.

I have been fighting for custody since the split and she keeps winning at every turn. They tell me that, even though I keep asking for more time with my daughter, it’s “up to her” whether I get it or not, (because she is the primary caregiver), even though I have done nothing wrong… . NOTHING…

In fact, I tried to keep the marriage together but she kept bouncing back and forth between her lover and me. She left me and took my daughter… and left me with all the bills… (which she never contributed to anyway)…

Now, she is refusing to sign with the realty company so I can get the $1,000 dollar mortgage off my back every month. (I’m also paying nearly $650.00 a month in CS on top of it all.) She is insisting on using “HER” choice of real estate brokers… or she won’t sign. Another example of her manipulation.

She also insists on a sum for the house that we will never get… Of course, she wants “her 50 % share” of the profits… even though I will probably be forced to pay complete closing costs, too, all by myself. Is there any way to ask for a judge to intervene so I can sell this property under these circumstances?

How can she, if she has NEVER paid a dime, expect 50% of the profits? She moved out of our house several months ago. And, by the way, took everything in the house the court order told her NOT TO. And, they tell me I can’t force her to pay half of any bill on the house or for the house because the deed only says she will get it if I die… and she is NOT on the mortgage itself. I guess I better watch my back, eh?

Can I do anything about her taking items out of the house after a court order says neither of us can take anything out of it other than personal items?

Next, I just found out tonight that she has just left the state with my child… There is a court order stating she cannot leave the state with her. My community law enforcement officer tells me tonight, “it’s a civil matter… take it up with your attorney”… and refused to help in any way. It was “her” weekend with the child… and she can’t be made to bring her back. Besides, she will just receive a “slap on the wrist” for doing it anyway. (Their words exactly). Is this true and what can I do legally now??

Is this all that is protecting my daughter?? If I had been the one to leave with her, I would be behind bars before morning and probably face a court martial… She would make sure of it.

All those thousands of dollars that we all have paid for divorces, legal agreements, custody determinations, what good are they if we can’t enforce them??? Why is it she ALWAYS wins??? She had the affair on ME…and had several of them I just found out last week from old mutual friends of ours (which, by the way, are willing to testify).

Then she told the attorney that I was never around my child (which is a lie)… because I was always gone… I have done several tours in Iraq, but I have taken care of that little girl every night she headed for the bar and then some! I have evidence and witnesses to prove it.

Now, she will NOT LET me see my daughter unless it is within my four day period, but her new husband gets to see her every day… I had to agree to four days a month so I could see her at all after she hid her from me for over two months this past January. My first attorney told me to just sign her agreement that “my ex was willing to let me see her whenever I wanted. Don’t worry.”

I was desperate at the time to see her… Still am… and it’s worse than before. Now she has a new “daddy” with her every day.

This is an atrocity of justice… There is so much more to this story. How she has won at every turn… I have several MONTHS worth of recordings to prove my every word I’m saying… She is evil… manipulating… and a pathological liar and I can prove it all but no one seems to care… “Just wait until discovery…”… Which will be “sometime in the fall.” What happens between then and now and what will she get by with by then? She’s wanting to MOVE out of the state entirely!! Can she do that and take my daughter without my permission? Will I be overruled by the judge if I resist?? I’ll never see my child again if this happens. She wants to take her to California!!

I hope my daughter doesn’t forget me by then… I hope someday she will grow up and realize that daddy fought so hard for her… And I’m betting that my ex will try her best to see that she doesn’t.

Sorry this is so long… but I’m so tired of all of this and very worried about my daughter. I am loosing hope fast that I will ever have any part in her life. [size=12][/size][/size]


I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time going through this process. I can only assume that you fought your hardest with respect to custody, unfortunately the courts don’t always get it right. It sounds like you are operating under a temporary custody order right now, and after you have completed your discovery in the fall, you will have the opportunity to present all of your evidence at the trial for permanent custody. It will be difficult for your ex to move out of state your child if you remain here. Judges are hesitant to allow one parent to relocate if the other parent will remain here.
With respect to the home, you may make a motion for interim distribution to have the home listed, if you can’t agree to the terms of the sale, or the sale price, the court will rule on those issues.
North Carolina presumes that a 50% distribution to each party is equitable, though that is not always the case. There are many factors that a court may consider in making a distribution. If your complaint (or counterclaim) alleges that you are entitled to a distribution that is more than 50% in your favor you may argue these factors in court.
The court shall consider all of the following factors:
(1) The income, property, and liabilities of each party at the time the division of property is to become effective.
(2) Any obligation for support arising out of a prior marriage.
(3) The duration of the marriage and the age and physical and mental health of both parties.
(4) The need of a parent with custody of a child or children of the marriage to occupy or own the marital residence and to use or own its household effects.
(5) The expectation of pension, retirement, or other deferred compensation rights that are not marital property.
(6) Any equitable claim to, interest in, or direct or indirect contribution made to the acquisition of such marital property by the party not having title, including joint efforts or expenditures and contributions and services, or lack thereof, as a spouse, parent, wage earner or homemaker.
(7) Any direct or indirect contribution made by one spouse to help educate or develop the career potential of the other spouse.
(8) Any direct contribution to an increase in value of separate property which occurs during the course of the marriage.
(9) The liquid or nonliquid character of all marital property and divisible property.
(10) The difficulty of evaluating any component asset or any interest in a business, corporation or profession, and the economic desirability of retaining such asset or interest, intact and free from any claim or interference by the other party.
(11) The tax consequences to each party.
(11a) Acts of either party to maintain, preserve, develop, or expand; or to waste, neglect, devalue or convert the marital property or divisible property, or both, during the period after separation of the parties and before the time of distribution.
(11b) In the event of the death of either party prior to the entry of any order for the distribution of property made pursuant to this subsection:
a. Property passing to the surviving spouse by will or through intestacy due to the death of a spouse.
b. Property held as tenants by the entirety or as joint tenants with rights of survivorship passing to the surviving spouse due to the death of a spouse.
c. Property passing to the surviving spouse from life insurance, individual retirement accounts, pension or profit-sharing plans, any private or governmental retirement plan or annuity of which the decedent controlled the designation of beneficiary (excluding any benefits under the federal social security system), or any other retirement accounts or contracts, due to the death of a spouse.
d. The surviving spouse’s right to claim an “elective share” pursuant to G.S. 30-3.1 through G.S. 30-33, unless otherwise waived.
(12) Any other factor which the court finds to be just and proper.
If your ex took property from the home which she was ordered not to, you should file a motion to hold her in contempt of that order, and for the order regarding her travel with your child. She may only receive a “slap on the wrist” the first time, but it will set her up for some real consequences down the road if she continues to disobey and order of the court. It will also give the judge an idea as to what her character is, and may hurt her credibility moving forward.


I wanted to say thank you, Ms. Clarey, for the response you have given me. Even though I am, and will continue to be, very stressed over these issues, I am thankful for your reply. I will heed your advice and try to remember that these trials will some day be over.

I actually have a lot of evidence that attests to her decreasing morals and erratic behavior, especially in front of our daughter. I try to keep telling myself that all is not lost but it is very hard when I keep getting told there is nothing that can be done now.

I try to remember that there will be a time when I will have my day in court. I hope the judge will really take my evidence into consideration. If not, I will not get to see my daughter more than four days a month until she is eighteen, unless the courts intervene.

Yes, we are working on temporary custody. I wish a thousand times that I would not have signed that first agreement but my attorney pushed me to do so and I was so desperate to see my baby, that I did. I hope others read this and learn to never sign anything that you don’t agree to in the hopes, “she will allow you to see her all you want,” even when the agreement says otherwise. GET IT IN WRITING!

Once it is signed, you are not free to see your child anymore. You’ve just signed them over to your ex because they can use that agreement to dangle your child in front of you and you will only get to visit with them on their say so. Even the attorney will tell you there is little hope of changing that agreement until you go to court for permanent custody, which could take MONTHS.

I’m counting the days until I can get to court. It just can’t happen fast enough. I miss my little girl and miss being a part of her life. As it stands, I’m just the daddy she sees every other weekend. I think she will soon forget me and not care about me anymore if we don’t get to court soon.

Thank you for your assistance. I will act on your advice and I truly appreciate your time and trouble.


She’s done it again… This time she did a good job of it. The way it stands, I just found out that she can take my child out of state, (which is where she is right now with her), and even back to her home country in Europe WITHOUT my permission.

When the exparte order was first made, it hindered either of us from taking our daughter out of North Carolina. After this temporary custody order was made, the first attorney told me to sign it even though I did NOT agree with only having my child four days a month. She told me that the judge would say, and I quote her, “That would not be fair to the mother for her to only have her child during the week and let you have her on all the weekends.”

I never did understand why, but she told me at that time that I would NOT win this issue in court because of that. Even though her mother actually took her to work with her every day. I never understood how that was fair…

Now, since we have revisited this order today, I have just been told that there is no restriction on the temporary order on her. My ex parte order is now null and void. I was NOT TOLD THIS by the first attorney.

She is free to move about the world with her, even without telling me. As long as she returns her every other weekend for my visitation, there is nothing I can say or do. And I can not get any other time with my child because she won’t let me. You can’t convince me that anything will happen to her if she does not show up every other weekend with my girl. She will not be extradited back even if she is caught. It’s not that important to anyone but me. Nothing will happen to her at all.

She has threated to take her to California or to Europe to live. She says she is NOT living here anymore.

At what point am I going to totally loose my child now? At what point is the judge going to say, you can’t have her anymore and the mother has every right to live anywhere in the world she wants to with her. All it took was signing ONE DOCUMENT in desperation that has changed my daughter and I’s entire life. There is not hope in changing this I’ve been told now.

I wished a million times over I hadn’t let that first attorney convince me that I would not be offered anything else or anymore else. I should have taken my chances in court but I felt so beaten even then and all I cared about was seeing my daughter.

I’ve just been told that, legally, all is lost. I have lost my child to her because of that one paper I signed in desperation to see her because her mother hid her for several months from me.

I don’t even know who this man is that her mother married except that he was my subordinant and she had an affair with him. In fact, he lost rank and money because of it. They were caught red handed.

Do I have any options left? Really… Is there any chance that I can sue this first attorney for totalling eliminating my chance to even see my daughter more than four days a month or having her live in anther state or country? Can I report them to the bar at least? What good would any of that do…? Would it mean a chance for me at all?

I am just about completely broken… I don’t have much hope left at all at this point. I’m loosing my will to fight this and I haven’t even gotten to court yet. I understand how people give up in these court cases now. I truly do.


While I am sorry you are unhappy with the current custodial arrangement, I have to agree with your attorney in that judges don’t normally award one parent all of the weekend time. Perhaps when you have your permanent custody trial you should work towards another arrangement that gives you more time, either extending your weekends, or having some time during the week.
Ex parte orders are only in effect until the court revisits the issue usually within 10 days. If you had not signed a temporary order, the court would have held a hearing on the issue and the ex parte would have been overridden with a new order.
Your ex cannot make the decision to move away, the court will have to decide that issue at the permanent hearing.

You have not lost your child. A temporary order is just that, temporary. You will have your day in court at the permanent trial.
I really don’t see that you have any action to take against your attorney. The order is temporary in nature, and if you signed the document it will be presumed that you consented to do so.