Sole Custody & Divorce

It sounds like more than a “slight” form of bipolar. I’m glad that you have gotten out of that situation. I assume that from what you have said, everything is in your name? Property distribution includes marital assets and debts so he is just as responsible for those debts as you are. Get an attorney, if you can’t afford that contact DSS at least for the child support and do whatever is necessary for you to survive until things let up a little. It sounds as though you’ve never been able to rely on him finacially so I wouldn’t suggest starting now.
Find out if there is a support group in your area for Codependency or Al-Anon for spouses/friends/relatives of alcolholics. You would be surprised at how many people are in or have been in those relationships and how much it can affect the other areas in your life.
As far as sole custody, that may be something that DSS could help you with also.

Sounds like he’s in the 5% of fathers that are dirtbags. I hate to admit it but dss or child support will be your best bet. They’ll even furnish an attorney for you in most cases.

Here’s my update: I was able to borrow enough $$ from parents to condition the house, get it on the market, and accepted my first offer 10 days after I got it on the market.
We closed today, and my husband showed up with his new live in girlfriend … this is the first time I met her, and I only found out about her a few days ago.
Good luck to him, let him move on and leave me alone.
However, since we’re not even legally separated, and he’s not paying any childsupport, not paying any of the $49K unsecured debt he left me with … do I still need to be worried about him trying to get Alimony from me???
His new girlfriend has 3 young boys, by the way.[:0]

I’m not sure that alimony is relevant:

If the court finds that the dependent spouse participated in an act of illicit sexual behavior, as defined in G.S. 50-16.1A(3)a., during the marriage and prior to or on the date of separation, the court shall not award alimony.

(3) “Marital misconduct” means any of the following acts that occur during the marriage and prior to or on the date of separation:

a. Illicit sexual behavior. For the purpose of this section, illicit sexual behavior means acts of sexual or deviate sexual intercourse, deviate sexual acts, or sexual acts defined in G.S. 14-27.1(4), voluntarily engaged in by a spouse with someone other than the other spouse;

b. Involuntary separation of the spouses in consequence of a criminal act committed prior to the proceeding in which alimony is sought;

c. Abandonment of the other spouse;

d. Malicious turning out-of-doors of the other spouse;

e. Cruel or barbarous treatment endangering the life of the other spouse;

f. Indignities rendering the condition of the other spouse intolerable and life burdensome;

g. Reckless spending of the income of either party, or the destruction, waste, diversion, or concealment of assets;

h. Excessive use of alcohol or drugs so as to render the condition of the other spouse intolerable and life burdensome;

i. Willful failure to provide necessary subsistence according to one’s means and condition so as to render the condition of the other spouse intolerable and life burdensome.

Get as much information about the situation as you can. The “live in” girlfriend thing, that could be adultery if he’s having sex with her. Since your not divorced that is a crime. You are legally separated starting the day that he moved out and you began living separate and apart. But even with a separation agreement, you still aren’t allowed to have sex with someone other than your spouse in NC. I understand that you don’t care and this situation will probably make things easier on you. If there is other unsecured debt (credit cards and such) you could consider contacting them and letting them know the situation and that you are still willing to pay but that without distribution of marital assets and debts that you will not be paying the entire amount as it is 1/2 his. The parents, that may be a different situation. It may have to be put in front of the court and find out what they would say is his responsibility. My husband paid back his ex’s mother over $1000 that she gave them to go on vacation the year before she left. He reminded her that 1/2 that money was her daughter’s but she didn’t seem to care since she said she had physically given the money to him. She turned around and gave the money to her daughter so in reality, that paid for his ex to get an appointment with an attorney.

Since he wouldn’t agree with the separation agreement that you drew up previously it will have to be settled in court. I would suggest that you at least talk to an attorney to find out what you can do as far as filing separation and incorporating equitable distribution. The child support is based on guidelines set by the state so if $750 is what he will owe you monthly based on both your incomes then that is what he will have to pay. Contact DSS or child support enforcement agency. There should be no charge to you for these agencies to help. He should have started paying you some child support as soon as the separation started but in some situations that’s not realistic. As far as the marital debt, it’s 1/2 his and the court will have to enforce that. Keep us posted and good luck.

Thank you for your information. This man has a very high libido, and had a hard time just going a week without sex. I met her at our closing yesterday, for the first time, and she looks like an exotic dancer-type of person, so I’m sure that they are having sex. What’s the best way to find out? I can try to find out by asking in a round about way … I’m sure they’ll lie if I ask outright. He’s actually told me that anything else is “none of my business”. Or do I hire someone to watch them (not that I have that kind of money).
Thank you

I would say that it’s very difficult to prove beyond a shadow of doubt unless you hire someone and there are photographs taken while in the act. My husband’s ex admitted to him that she had slept with two other men by the time he and I met (they had been separated a month by then. She tried to get him to admit to her by being very friendly and asking him if he had “gotten any”. He avoided answering, but he had his lawyer ask her in court, while under oath, how many men she had had sex with since the separation started. By this time it was 4, and he had other witnesses lined up to testify that she had bragged about it to them also, like her best friend.
The only reason you would need this information is if he tries to get you for alimony.
You are still entitled to some child support and help on the debt, that’s a different matter.

Dear The Mommy:

Greetings again. The answer to “How do I get sole custody?” is that you file a claim for child custody. Clearly based on the facts presented alone you should win primary custody, although it is likely the court will give him some visitation. Thank you and Happy Halloween.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax


The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

My husband and I have been separated since 8/18/05, when I had to have him police-escorted from the home (he held a gun to my head, and told me they’d never find my body … all while our 18 month old at the time was in the other room). Since then, I’m pretty sure he has some slight form of Bipolar disorder.
Long-story short: I endured 7 years of mental, verbal, and physical abuse which gradually got worse, while he kept losing one job after another, and would fall off the wagon, drinking after I went to bed alone, or smoking pot … denying all of that, even as I was finding all of the evidence. I tried to leave him before my daughter was conceived, but he convinced me to give him one more shot, we went to a few counseling sessions, and he joined the Army to get straight. 3 months later, he was discharged from the Army “medically” for bad back (didn’t help that he joined when he was 33). Baby girl was already on the way, though.
The threats, sneaking up on me during the night, and the gun, and my daughter being in that environment, were enough for me to get him out.
Now he is threatening to file bankruptcy, leaving me to continue paying the $49K of unsecured debt that I’ve been borrowing from my parents to pay. I moved out of the house back in with my parents, b/c he was stalking me and it wasn’t safe, and he’s finally agreed to let me put it on the market (he is living with his mom and step father in Greensboro). I’ve been paying for EVERYTHING, and I can’t do it anymore. Plus, daycare is $198/wk, of which he pays nothing.
I was trying to lie low, until the house sold, before I pushed again for child support … turns out b/c of my salary, I might only get $416/mo from him. But, my debt to income ratio is 110% debt, and I can’t do this anymore.
Now he is saying that he is getting “straight” with keeping a $12/hr job and going to get his time back with our daugther.
I don’t want him to have her at ALL unless at my discretion, and with his mother present, maybe once a month to start.
I can’t be a sitting duck, but I’m still intimidated by him at the same time, and don’t want to P.O. him b/c he’ll retailiate and start making my life hell again (phone calls, stalking, annoying, just enough to get me freaked out and unable to focus on daughter, work, house, etc).
How do I get sole custody?
I had separation agreement drawn up ($750), but he never agreed to it.