To tell a cheater's spouse or not?

Absolutely tell all she has every right to know.

Your Wife may be sued for alienation of affection, if she is sued successfully and you have not resolved ED, this may have an impact on her ability to pay you any portion of the assets she may owe you.

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

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Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
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The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.

So if we do not yet have a separation agreement, have not resolved ED and she is sued successfully, whatever amount that the plantiff is awarded will come out of only whatever assets my wife has after our ED is resolved? Or, would any of our marital assets be fair game to the plantiff? I am not concerned about anything that my wife would owe me, but if the plantiff could possibly be awarded some of the marital assets that I would have been entitled to during ED, that would be a big drawback.

I will also have to consider what effect telling the cheater’s spouse may have on my ability to sue her spouse successfully if I decide to pursue that. She could help me or she could put a quick end to the relationship and prevent me from possibly collecting any more evidence.

This is a difficult situation. I was in a similar situation with my ex who was seeing a married woman. I also felt terrible for her husband and daughter whom I know had no knowledge of this and I was tempted time and again to tell her husband. In the end what stopped me was the belief that her husband would have literally killed my ex. I believe that I would want to know in this situation and to me one of them should not be able to “get away” with it. And while I believe that she does have a right to know, I’m not sure that it would be my place to tell her…
I suggest that you if you do decide to tell her that you do not go into lengthy detail about this. Simply contact her, via telephone, e-mail…however you are able other than going to her home. Let her know that you have reason to believe that your wife and her husband have some sort of relationship going. Let her know that you wanted to let her know before any legal action is taken towards her husband. If she doesn’t believe you, you could give her some things to check out on her own. Then give her a way to contact you again. Maybe send her a letter through snail mail with some of the information you have and your contact information. She may already know or have suspicions also.
I don’t know what type of proof it takes to prove someone is having an affair…I would say that with enough circumstancial proof you may get an admission when confronted.
If I read that right, I think that if she is sued it would come out of her portion of ED and that would affect her ability to reconcile any outstanding debts to you. Marital assets would still be divided but she would not be eligible for any alimony and her 1/2 of the marital assets may have to be sold to pay for the AofA suit against her.

My wife and I are separated - physically but without a signed agreement yet, although this has no bearing on my question really. I am certain that she is having an inappropriate relationship with a married man. I can not prove that they are having sex but I have seen many other things to support my assertion, which I will not go into detail about here.

Yes, I am angry, hurt, etc. but I also feel sorry for his wife who most likely does not know anything about this. In some way, I feel like it is my responsibility to let her know about what has been going on so that she can protect herself, her children, etc. and have all of the information that she deserves to have during a separation and possibly divorce. I would want to know the whole truth if it was me.

Obviously, telling her would be an awkward task and not something that I would enjoy doing.

For the non-lawyers reading this, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

For the lawyers, are there any legal implications of me telling the man’s spouse? Could it be used against me during my separation and divorce?