Wife leaving


10 years ago my wife informed me she would leave me once all our children were out of school. Now I have found evidence she is trying to lease a home. Also she is gathering financial documentation of my paychecks, bills, etc. She works, but i pay all bills, all of them. We have not had intimate relations in 12 years. She has not cooked or done anything to maintain the upkeep of the house. I do it all. Yet, she is trying to claim I had an affair. I know this is just part of her effort for more allimony when she leaves or as her reason to the children why she is leaving.
She has her own checking account, which I have no access to, but my account is joint with her. I found out today she changed the mailing address for the statement to her work address.
It is inevitable we will seperate, but am I allowed to open my own checking account to pay bills with to keep her from stealing all the money? Does she have a chance at alimony considering the last 10 years?


Make sure you yourself retain copies of all bills and financial documentation. If there’s a way you can prove the bills were paid by you, then make sure you have this too.

I think you can safely remove half the money from the joint account and put it in your own private account.

As far as alimony goes, it depends. She works, but does she make far less than you? If so, then, yes, she would probably have a reasonable claim for alimony. If the pay is about even, then no. If she makes considerably more than you do, then you could file for alimony yourself.

Also, on the affair accusations, she’ll need proof. She can’t just blindly accuse you without evidence to support it. And also, having an affair is not fault in a divorce and will not affect the divorce with one exception. If the dependent spouse (one who makes less $) has an affair, then any claim to alimony is barred.


I bring home about 3 times what she does, but when i say I pay everything I mean everythng. Mortgage, car payments for her and 3 kids, private school, college, groceries, cell phone, cable. She pays absolutely nothing.
And there is no affair, she is just looking for a way to blame me.
Isnt there something in the law about a wife who denys her husband intimatcy for that long? I slept on couch for 12 years, literally.
She hasnt cooked in 10 years, even for kids, or cleaned once. All housework is dont by kids and me.
My friends have begged me to leave for years, but I couldnt leave the kids.
Now they are almost gone, I have to get out to keep what little santity I have.
All she cares about is money. She never once put a dime into our “joint” account.


My personal situation is a carbon copy of yours, so you have my sympathy. I just posted for the first time with a couple of financial questions. Heck, in addition to every fixed cost I’ve been so foolish as to pay my wife’s income taxes every year. When she started work ten years ago and made very little money it seemed like the right thing to do. What a mistake. Now every time she gets an increase I lose cash-flow. But it sounds like you’ve made the same decision I have, meaning to stick it out in order to avoid the whole custody time-share mess with kids. It’ll be interesting to see what response you get from an actual lawyer, but in my research it seems the court really doesn’t care about where you’ve slept or who has paid bills. As a practical matter the judge doesn’t have time to care, so unless you have a Paul McCartney-sized income you can figure on paying her alimony such that you both start with about the same take-home. But hey, try to see the bright side. I know plenty of guys who have found themselves divorced in mid-life, think they are going to be alone for the rest of their years, only to realize there are many many single women out there of all ages.


Thanks for the advice.

That seems very unfair, to of paid everything, and still paying tuition for kids.

If the court rules we have same take home, she needs to help pay the bills. Would the court rule to make her to that? Either way I am fine, I dont have much left over anyway. Actually even thought I bring home 3 times what she does, she pays nothing. She brings home 2,700 a month and pays zero.

Like you I paid her delinguent credit cards off two years ago.
Plus we owe the IRS 20,000, so even though she is not paying any of that now, I imagine she would have to start helping.

Do most divorces go to court or are they mediated, or do the lawyers work it out before court and it is just a formality?

I want to fight for what I earn, but dont want a long drawn out messy divorce, again for kids sake.

sorry for all the questions. 54 years old and never been here or done this.


You may certainly open your own checking account and have all of your income directed to that account.
Your wife will likely be entitled to alimony if she has constantly earned less than you and has depended on your income. Since you earn 3 times what she does, that should be pretty easy for her to prove.
Her decision to leave the marriage will not affect the fact that you owe her a duty of support (assuming she did not have an affair), neither will her refusal to sleep with you.


I just saw the response from the lawyer. Consistent with what I expected. Take the advice, open your own checking account, and keep your income out of your wife’s sight.

By bringing your wife’s income (through alimony) up to what you are left with, I mean you’ll have to pay her an amount such that she has roughly the same as you have in order to pay bills and to live on. She’ll then have to pay her own bills, while you’ll pay yours. If you agree to continue paying tuition, then during that time frame you can argue to have your alimony obligation reduced, since you will be covering both your and her obligation to your child. Or, you could agree to give her something in lieu of an ongoing payment (like your equity in your home for example), thereby paying alimony in a lump sum. Think of it as buying her out as compensation for all of the happiness she has provided! How long, expensive and messy the whole divorce process is depends on the attitudes of both you. However, owing money to the IRS, now that is serious. If your comments have been truthful in your posts, then you need to bite the bullet and see an attorney IMMEDIATELY!


Amazing a woman can be worthless to her children and husband and we all worked together to make up for her lackings, then she can get half of everything which he contributed zero to building up. Not even taking care of the children.
I know the law is the law, but in the case, good guys finish last.


I wish I had been told that when I agreed to let my STBXW be a SAHM that I was leaving myself horribly exposed if she decided to leave.

She bailed in 2008. Thank god I have proof of an affair, though bringing fault in will require a jury trial if she won’t settle. Then, at least, I’ll only have spent tens of thousands of dollars in PSS.

I’ve had to fight to get 50/50 custody (because she was primary caregiver and said I was incompetent), I have to continue to work full time and support her while she “makes the transition” back to working over years. This summer she isn’t working, again, while I continue to work full time as usual.

If you are a spouse with a SAHM/SAHD and you think you are going to separate, better if you make them get a job first!