Adultery, separation


#1

He moved out this year, and in NC divorce cannot happen within a year of that, so you two are married. While still married he had sex with another woman, so he is guilty of adultery. I don’t see too much wiggle room here. From what I know that gives you a huge advantage in terms of alimony and custody. If he loses his job because of that, that is of his own doing. Maybe he will learn from this and make better choices in the future.

I have no idea about the ramifications of cybersex with a daughter in the same room, but it sounds bad. If this can be connected to her emotional issues, I think that would count as him being a negligent parent. Are you just finding out about this, or have you implicitly condonned it for the past few years? This could haunt both of you. In any case, get her to a professional if you haven’t already done so. Contacting Social Services might be a good idea too. The well being of your girls should be your highest priority here as they are young kids and innocent bystanders.

I don’t think porn is illegal in and of itself, but it can be one more black mark against him. Ditto for online dating profiles. The fact that the women he contacts are married is not an issue for you, but between them and thier husbands.

If he has entered the house after he moved out, he is guilty of breaking and entering, even if he still has a key. As he is a cop, he should know this. If he took stuff that wasn’t his from before the marriage, that would be theft.

I don’t know how legal it is for you to have his hard drive recovered if you are trying to reclaim email. I believe that there is a bit of gray in terms of the status of email as telecommunication, so this might qualify as an unlawful wiretap. That would get you into some hot water. This is a topic for your lawyer.

As for going to court, why would you want that? Have your lawyer get the best terms that he (or she) can, and settle without spending the extra money. The only reason for going to court would be if he decided to fight, and that strikes me as being foolish on his part.

Don’t worry that he calls you a bitch. I certainly say that about my STBX when I’m in a foul mood. It comes with the territory.

Since you say that you already have an attorney, I think you are posting more to be reassured than to learn anything. From what you are saying, you are holding all the cards and he is trying to browbeat you into accepting terms that are more favorable to him. Just calm down, ride it out, and talk to your lawyer when you can. You seem to have a very strong position and very little to fear.


#2

First thing, who has the children in their custody? If he still has the keys to the martial home then he has a right to come in(I think). Sounds like you initally thought the grass was greener on the other side but we you find out he moved on(after you put him out) you gets mad. You tried to reconcile what you started it didn’t go the way you planned and now you want to try to make him look like a unfit parent and husband. The best thing you can do for the sake of your kids is to go ahead get a divorce and come up with a agreement that good for the both of you and move on with your life, because once you get attorney and the courts in your life you will end up hating each other and spending thousands of dollars and the only people that suffers is the kids. Trust me I know


#3

I have to agree with both the previous posts. Yes, he’s guilty of adultery but that is a misdemeanor and will probably only be helpful if you are trying to get alimony.
I don’t think him entering the house up until you changed the locks would be considered illegal. Your attempt at reconciliation and him still having a key would show your consent for him to be on the property. Now that the locks are changed it is a whole different scenario.
The e-mails that he wrote after he moved out are really none of your business. Regardless of having a separation agreement or not, you both are free to see who you want and do what you want as if you were never married with the exception of sex, which as I said is a misdemeanor and would have to be proved. Describing acts in an e-mail does not necessarily prove the act was done. I could write a convincing e-mail if I wanted someone to believe something.
Hopefully, you did not know about his online dating before the attempt to reconcile.
In my opinion, it will not matter in court that he looked at porn, had cybersex or online dating as you can not show a specific person that would have alienated his affections for you and there was no actual intercourse with another person. Now, your daughter being in the room may be cause to worry, but her emotional issues may have little to do with any of this and you should get her in to talk with someone. If there is a true issue with this from what your STBX did, then it will come out, otherwise, it is just something that needs to be dealt with.
If you insist on this going to court then be prepared for EVERY dirty secret you have had during your marriage to come out in public. It makes no difference that these secrets may not seem to be very harmful while married but this will be in court…where your family and friends will be subpoenaed and be asked to testify on your character and everything and anything they ever saw you do or say. The ONLY people who win in court are the lawyers, because ultimately they do not have to live with the judges decision. They get paid and they win or lose.
Coparenting is almost always the best option. My husband and his ex had an agreement for equal time with their two children and they were switching days during the week. They have changed it now so that the children stay week to week at either house. DO NOT use the children to make your STBX suffer, it will not only hurt him but the children also. Children need both parents! Your best solution is to use the child support calculator, get an agreement drawn up for equitable distribution, joint legal and physical custody with equal time (times can be worked out between you), and child support. Come to some sort of agreement and move on with the separation and divorce.
If you’re going to sling mud, be prepared to get a little muddy yourself. If you just want out of the marriage and to have a different life, then do just that. Protect yourself and your children but not at the expense of their wellbeing or your peace of mind. What is it going to really accomplish for him to lose his job over cybersex? It will not benefit you for this to happen, and in the long run, it could hurt you. What happens if he can not get another job because of this and then there’s no money for your children…?
Regardless of how you feel about your SBTX now, keep in mind that he is their father. In the next 10 months, things will be consistantly changing. Your opinions and attitudes about what the STBX does or says is going to change, sometimes hourly. Make up your mind now that the end result should be you and your STBX raising your children separatly and being able to discuss things like adults and work towards that now instead of trying to see how mad you can make each other and how much you can hurt the other. But this is all just my opinion…


#4

As a side note; My husband and his ex had their original agreement drawn up in separation with equitable distribution, joint legal and physical custody with equal time, child support paid directly to her weekly with him carrying insurance and them splitting the cost of everything to do with the children.
He spent $10,000 in one payment for a “good” attorney at the beginning of all their custody mess. She paid $2,000 at every visit to her attorney so they ended up spending about the same amount. They went to court once. They ended up with almost the same arrangement they had only after $20,000 spent it is now a court order. The only difference is that he pays less in child support monthly to the state. Custody arrangements, time and days spent with the children, have been changed to suit their needs in the past two years. It went from switching children every other day to weekly. From splitting cost of clothing twice a year to buying for individual houses. He agreed and pays for 1/2 daycare during the summer now since it’s more to help out. He still carries insurance and child support but everything else gets switched around so that it works for everyone.
They work together to raise the children so that the children know they can not manipulate them to get what they want. Believe me, it does happen and if your daughters think you and their father aren’t speaking to find out the truth, they will do it to some extent, regardless of their age. Just some things to think about…


#5

Dear jdl1108:

Greetings. I am not sure what your legal questions are. No, I cannot see anything that you are doing wrong. Of course adultery is wrong, but it happens. The issue is what is in the best interests of the children and how is the cash flow going to work. Let me know if I did not answer your question. Thank you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.


#6

Keep this in mind. Until a court orders otherwise both you and your husband(he is still your husband) have equal rights to any property gained during the marriage as well as the children. Obviously putting the safety of the children first but remember if you deny him contact with his kids or property regaurdless of whether he is paying child support or not could come back to haunt you if this does go before a judge. Since you have an attorney I would consult him/her about these issues.


#7

I have been separated (no papers drawn) since October 4th. I asked for the separation. Husband moved to his parent’s home. I have made attempts to reconcile. At counseling he spent an hour blaming me and saying very hurtful things. I have since found emails that have me furious. Six days after he left he wrote an email to a married woman talking about our problems and invited her to a party, it seems he had known her for a long time. He said he was ready to have sex. She went and they did have sex which is described in these emails. He is a police officer. They have continued this relationship. He has paid me $216.00 since he left. We have a four and five year old girls. During our marriage he was constantly on the internet, porn, online dating profiles, and cybersex. I have the hard drive being recovered. I took the emails to my lawyer. I had to have the locks changed because he kept entering while I was not home. I work in the next county and want to move, he says we will have biweekly parenting and I will owe him child support. He works 3 nights one week and four nights the next, meaning his parents will have the girls the majority of the week. He says I am a bitch beacuse I am using a “legality” to get my way in this divorce. He says what he did when he left was not my business and he says we are not married and it is not adultery. He says his internet behavior is justified beacuse he was miserable in the marriage. His family has no idea what has occurred and is hateful toward me. As a note, we co-slept with our children. The four year old slept with him. The computer was in our room and the cybersex occurred while she was in the bed asleep. she has had emotional issues since about age one. I am so livid and have hired a private investigator for hard evidence. I was willing to settle out of court and now I want this to go to court. He will lose his job if this does. Am I doing the wrong thing? It is adultery right? We have no agreement. He is also talking to 4 other women, one of those is married as well. Help? He keeps telling me I do not have a leg to stand on. I have an attorney, a good one. But it is the holidays and I can not reach him at present.