Affair...what to do...need advice


#1

My wife recently told me she wanted to separate and file for divorce. Since then I have discovered that she has been having an affair. Should I confront the other person or just let it go.


#2

Let it go. Let him deal w/her. Keep records of what you find though - should prevent any alimony.


#3

Agree w/ nin_fan. Let it go, keep all records to prevent alimony claims and to use as leverage where you can. Do not ever threaten your STBX with any kind of legal action as it can be construed as extortion if finances are mentioned.

The problem with getting involved with a cheater, is that you’re involved with a cheater. What goes around, comes around. Your paramour will get his come-uppance.


#4

I’ve been cheated on. I’m convinced cheating is one of the most vile things you can do to a person. It really rips you up inside. Here’s the thing: it is your responsibility how you spend your finite amount of energy. The more energy you spend on the affair, the less energy you have to heal. By giving them your energy, you are also giving them your power. Hate happens when you feel someone has taken your power away. Don’t give them that. Take care of yourself and put as much energy as possible into your own healing. That’s the opposite of the way our culture tells us to deal with it. But the bottom line is that the best revenge is a life well lived. Take this time to strategize what you want out of the next chapter of your life.


#5

I would like to applaud you on this post kelly. One of the hardest things in a relationship to deal with and it takes a very strong person to do as you have stated and learn the lesson that is there for the learning. I too chose to put my energy into healing and planning my future…to begin living my life again. Doing things for yourself and taking care of yourself finacially and emotionally is the best remedy for being betrayed. What your spouse has done will come back to them…It always does. Even if you aren’t around to see it. You will realize in doing this that your relationship meant something different to you than it did to your spouse. And that is no way to spend your life. Take time to grieve for the relationship if you need to, but don’t begrudge her giving you an opportunity at a better relationship and a better life in the future.


#6

kelly recently wrote

"I'm convinced cheating is one of the most vile things you can do to a person".

What about a situation where your spouse lets you know a few months in advance of a separation that they’re not content, so the separation is no surprise, then after the separation, they begin an emotional but non sexual relationship with someone else. Is this still vile, albeit less so, or is it merely unfortunate?


#7

I would classify it as unfortunate for you if you still have strong feelings of love. Vile? No. They have informed you that they are not content with the relationship and they want to separate. If they have separated from you, then they are intending to end the relationship at this point in time. Is it ‘vile’ to want to find happiness? How happy would you be if you stayed with someone just because they wanted you to? Are you vile because you refuse to?

However, that is just my opinion and there are others who would disagree with me.

My personal take is that as painful as things may be for me when someone has broken off a relationship:

a.) I don’t want someone to stay with me because they feel that they must.
b.) If I truly love someone, their happiness is more important to me than my need to have them around.
c.) All relationships end, whether by people moving apart, people divorcing, or people dying. It is a simple fact of life.
d.) You cannot force someone to love you. (and sometimes love isn’t always enough)


#8

I have to agree with athos. My advice on this subject is from the perspective that the affair was going on prior to the spouse informing the other that a separation is desired and that the information was only discovered afterwards. In the scenario you mentioned, yes it would be unfortunate. But to me it seems to have been handled without the intention of causing the other spouse grief.

With that being said, the spouse who is having an affair with no intentions of separation and the person they are having the affair with are in a whole different breed of person. I understand that things happen and that feelings change. I do not begrudge anyone wanting a better life or finding a stronger relationship. It happens. It’s human nature. I know that you can fall out of love with someone and how it feels to be with someone that you find out, after many years, never wanted to be there to begin with. I know how it is to feel inadequate and that no one wants to be with you. It’s gut wrenching. It will tear the soul right out of you. And some never recover from this.
But it is not necessary to break your marriage vows and hurt everyone involved. If you are unhappy with your spouse then it should be explored. Turning to another person and putting them in the middle of your marriage is not going to solve any problem and honestly will only cause more pain. There is never a good excuse to cheat on your spouse, not when there are other alternatives. And one thing I know to be true: You can not take someone away from another relationship and expect them to be faithful to you. You are setting yourself up for a failed relationship to begin with. That person will never trust you completely because you have already shown them that you are capable of deceiving the one person in the world that you promised never to deceive.
If you find that you absolutely can not work out your issues and intend to look elsewhere for companionship, leave. Don’t stick around hoping it will change and all the while you’re listing an add for a “discreet” relationship. Don’t make them think it’s their fault that you don’t want to be intimate. Don’t force them to become bitter and confused because you can’t live up to your promises. Rip the bandaid off…don’t tear it off slowly over several years. You may knock the wind out of them, but at least they won’t be deceived and feel like a fool. Let them keep their dignity so that they can keep some hope they will find love again. This is all strictly my opinion though.


#9

two years,

I can speak to that “non sexual emotional” relationship. It is real tough to walk away from that, but I think you have to while things are not settled. These things happen while you are married and committed to the marriage and you know what is right then. IMO, it still is until the marriage is completely dissolved. Just to be clear, I am talking about “accidental emotional impulses”, where an innocent conversation turns into a discussion with a little more meaning because you find you are speaking to a kindred spirit; you connect. Well, you better disconnect before it goes any further. When you aren’t connecting like that with your spouse, it is hard to walk away, but I think you should. Otherwise you may soon be having an affair. I have never cheated but I have had to back away from some friendships that could end up there.